I agree, because it's usually not talking that degrades and destroys things over time. Especially if you're unhappy with something. Especially if you think not talking will preserve the relationship.
In search of someone to listen...
- Thread starter Ood Sigma
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I agree, because it's usually not talking that degrades and destroys things over time. Especially if you're unhappy with something. Especially if you think not talking will preserve the relationship.
Thirded. In mono relationships, good communication is the difference between a good relationship and a bad one. With poly, good communication is the difference between a good relationship and complete fucking disaster. I'd need to talk with you more before I can offer any input about how to change this.
Also, it might be a good idea to go to polyamory.com and read some threads. Do a tag search for "mono/poly" or something. Or post a thread. The people there will probably point out some relevant threads and/or respond directly. I post over there too, under a different name, so I can talk about people without them finding out.
Privacy is not the same thing as secrecy. You shouldn't feel like you're sneaking around behind your wife's back if you go to counseling without her knowledge (or if you seek advice here, for that matter). No matter how intimate or loving a relationship is, everybody is entitled to, and in fact needs, that level of individual retreat.
Quick enquiry here. You say in your opening post that what you need is someone to listen. What you're largely getting here is people to give advice, which is not the same thing at all.
Before going any further and sharing stuff you prefer to keep private with people you might want to reflect on what it is you want/need. Do you want a listening ear? Someone to reflect back to you what you are saying/feeling? Or someone to hear your story and offer advice from their own perspective?
On an internet forum you will almost inevitably get advice. If that's not actually what you seek, but rather someone who will listen and support while you work stuff out for yourself you'd be better off seeking someone IRL - if not a professional counsellor then someone who you can trust just as a friend or confidente.
Before going any further and sharing stuff you prefer to keep private with people you might want to reflect on what it is you want/need. Do you want a listening ear? Someone to reflect back to you what you are saying/feeling? Or someone to hear your story and offer advice from their own perspective?
On an internet forum you will almost inevitably get advice. If that's not actually what you seek, but rather someone who will listen and support while you work stuff out for yourself you'd be better off seeking someone IRL - if not a professional counsellor then someone who you can trust just as a friend or confidente.
Oh yeah! I registered there once many moons ago (3 years I'm guessing). I should probably go there again; that would be a good place for advice.
That's an interesting point of view. I am not sure why I am differentiating seeking help from a professional vs. the Internet. I guess in my mind getting professional help is a step beyond asking a random person to lend an ear.
Piglet you are right - I did ask for someone to listen. That is primarily what I am seeking. I guess what I really wanted was to find a small group of people (even as small as 1) to listen to my situation, validate that my feelings are normal, and then possibly to help lead me on a path where I can come to a resolution, because I hate the fact that it lingers. What that resolution is - I don't know. And how they lead me on that path is also up in the air - be it by giving me advice directly, or just nudging me toward what is best.
I already feel better just by typing out many of the responses here both publicly and privately. People ARE listening and giving me what I need. So a big thank you to everyone who has done so, so far.
