Harrasment

[MetalPants]

Over the course of my career, I've dealt with some women who have been harrassed.
One girl had been beat up so bad mentally, that she felt that she could never do anything right. As her supervisor, it was almost as if I had to give her constant assurance that I was happy with her performance and that she was in fact doing a good job. Even then, it was difficult for her to take praise, and she was always so self deprecating. Whenever I did have to correct her, you would have thought it was the end of the world, instead of a slight "adjustment" in the way she did her job.
Another girl that I have dealt with was being sexually harrassed. A guy wouldn't leave her alone, constantly asking her on dates, saying that he was fertile, and other crap. Dealing with the girl, I have had to constantly reassure her that she didn't deserve that kind of treatment, at work or anywhere. The thing that gets me though, is the girl's reaction. She was so afraid to come forward to me and tell me these things. She has been so afraid that she was doing something wrong, or that she would get in trouble. I think to my self, "Why would you get in trouble? For wanting to be treated like a person instead of just some mindless piece of meat?"
I hate it that there are people out there who can mistreat others so badly that they tear them down to such low levels. That through just a few actions, a person can be made to feel so absolutely low.
Anyone else ever deal with harrasment? Whether dealing with someone who has been harrased or you were the one being harrased. How did you deal with it? And another question, why do people treat others so badly? WHY??????????

 

[John Picard]

^^ It's all about control. Like you, I detest that kind of behavior. I find men who want a woman to be dumb and be at his beck and call to be pathetic. I had a girlfriend who would wait on me hand-and-foot and it drove me nuts.

 

[SomniumRabidum]

And another question, why do people treat others so badly? WHY??????????

Honestly, because you're weak. Not necessarily you, I obviously don't know you, but people who asks questions like that are most often victimized.

Don't ask dumb questions. People are inherently greedy and selfish, it's the source of all our strength and success while simultaneously being one of the biggest things holding us back.

I want something. You have something. I am strong. You are weak. See where this is going?

The only thing that can curb harassment like that is for a strong person to insist that it stops. Whining doesn't work, coddling doesn't work. Asking "why, oh why, booo hooo" doesn't work.

Of course, the only reason a strong person would step in is if they see something in it for themselves, which goes back to the aforementioned selfishness.

Either you have to be strong, and help them put a stop to it, or you need to help the victims become stronger people so that they can stop it themselves. Weak people will be victimized forever, that will never change.

 

[Jadzia]

I think to my self, "Why would you get in trouble? For wanting to be treated like a person instead of just some mindless piece of meat?"

It isn't necessarily a fear of "getting into trouble", even though that might be the excuse which is given for having not said something earlier.

The real reason might be because when somebody says something that is hurtful or harassing, you don't necessarily want to repeat those words by reporting it, because it just replays that hurt in your own mind, reinforcing the memory, making it more significant, etc.

Also there is also a feared social stigma. Do you want everyone to think of you as the girl who was harassed. Some people would try to avoid that. There can also be an underlying risk/fear that it might make the situation worse, eg. what if the supervisor didn't take the complaint seriously, and started adding to the comments?

People who are suffering at the hands of another can find many reasons for not reporting it.

 

[CaptainStoner]

And another question, why do people treat others so badly? WHY??????????

Honestly, because you're weak. Not necessarily you, I obviously don't know you, but people who asks questions like that are most often victimized.

Don't ask dumb questions. People are inherently greedy and selfish, it's the source of all our strength and success while simultaneously being one of the biggest things holding us back.

I want something. You have something. I am strong. You are weak. See where this is going?

The only thing that can curb harassment like that is for a strong person to insist that it stops. Whining doesn't work, coddling doesn't work. Asking "why, oh why, booo hooo" doesn't work.

Of course, the only reason a strong person would step in is if they see something in it for themselves, which goes back to the aforementioned selfishness.

Either you have to be strong, and help them put a stop to it, or you need to help the victims become stronger people so that they can stop it themselves. Weak people will be victimized forever, that will never change.

Asking why is not fruitless. Because what you're referring to as a "strong" person is a bully, and a bully isn't strong. A bully takes out their insecurities on others when they think its safe. They are cowards. That's why the solution you mention works. If they were "strong", they would stick to their guns when confronted. Well the bully may hold on to their position, and become defensive, but once confronted they generally have no ground to stand on.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

Over the course of my career, I've dealt with some women who have been harrassed.
One girl had been beat up so bad mentally, that she felt that she could never do anything right. As her supervisor, it was almost as if I had to give her constant assurance that I was happy with her performance and that she was in fact doing a good job. Even then, it was difficult for her to take praise, and she was always so self deprecating. Whenever I did have to correct her, you would have thought it was the end of the world, instead of a slight "adjustment" in the way she did her job.
Another girl that I have dealt with was being sexually harrassed. A guy wouldn't leave her alone, constantly asking her on dates, saying that he was fertile, and other crap. Dealing with the girl, I have had to constantly reassure her that she didn't deserve that kind of treatment, at work or anywhere. The thing that gets me though, is the girl's reaction. She was so afraid to come forward to me and tell me these things. She has been so afraid that she was doing something wrong, or that she would get in trouble. I think to my self, "Why would you get in trouble? For wanting to be treated like a person instead of just some mindless piece of meat?"
I hate it that there are people out there who can mistreat others so badly that they tear them down to such low levels. That through just a few actions, a person can be made to feel so absolutely low.
Anyone else ever deal with harrasment? Whether dealing with someone who has been harrased or you were the one being harrased. How did you deal with it? And another question, why do people treat others so badly? WHY??????????

Why don't these women just stand up for themselves? Please...

 

[SomniumRabidum]

Why don't these women just stand up for themselves? Please...

Because they all have father issues.... unresolved father issues that have been nurtured through a society that favors the "oh, poooor yoooou " approach to taking a little personal accountability for your life.

 

[Misfit Toy]

Over the course of my career, I've dealt with some women who have been harrassed.
One girl had been beat up so bad mentally, that she felt that she could never do anything right. As her supervisor, it was almost as if I had to give her constant assurance that I was happy with her performance and that she was in fact doing a good job. Even then, it was difficult for her to take praise, and she was always so self deprecating. Whenever I did have to correct her, you would have thought it was the end of the world, instead of a slight "adjustment" in the way she did her job.
Another girl that I have dealt with was being sexually harrassed. A guy wouldn't leave her alone, constantly asking her on dates, saying that he was fertile, and other crap. Dealing with the girl, I have had to constantly reassure her that she didn't deserve that kind of treatment, at work or anywhere. The thing that gets me though, is the girl's reaction. She was so afraid to come forward to me and tell me these things. She has been so afraid that she was doing something wrong, or that she would get in trouble. I think to my self, "Why would you get in trouble? For wanting to be treated like a person instead of just some mindless piece of meat?"
I hate it that there are people out there who can mistreat others so badly that they tear them down to such low levels. That through just a few actions, a person can be made to feel so absolutely low.
Anyone else ever deal with harrasment? Whether dealing with someone who has been harrased or you were the one being harrased. How did you deal with it? And another question, why do people treat others so badly? WHY??????????

Why don't these women just stand up for themselves? Please...

Why don't people educate themselves before asking ridiculous and insulting questions like that one?

 

[propita]

I was the example in the OP--not the sexually harrassed one--the constant reassurance one. Many think the need for constant reassurance in people like me is/was all an act, to get people to say how good they are. NOPE! "We" likely won't believe you, will resist you, will verbally fight you--we will not and cannot believe we are worthy because we can see with our own eyes the "proof" that we are not.

My thought was "If I was any good, I wouldn't be having this problem, or not having it anymore."

My problem was that I had NO lasting self-confidence (as I've posted in other threads, evidently a neurochemical problem). But this allowed my supervising engineer (also a woman) who was insecure in their own right to constantly make...oh...tiny sniping remarks which would be otherwise insignificant. But in me they succeeded in keeping me down, depressed, insecure, etc.

Until I would lose it and pretty much cave in. Then she'd be surprised and prop me up a bit. Thing is, she NEEDED me there to get the work done but was--I was told later--totally threatened by me. No idea why. She had a EE degree, I had an AA (engineer-by-degree v. engineer-by-title).

People may be "weak" because they literally don't have what it take to be strong.

If I weren't facing the Bar in 3 months, I wouldn't be having the self-doubts I'm currently having--but it was going to law school that got me diagnosed. So I guess it all works out IF one does not give up the fight.

Even with getting better lately, I'm worry that my self-confidence sounds like arrogance. My shrink said that arrogance is not something I likely will ever have to worry about--that I'm still on the minus side of that a bit.

I feel very strongly on this subject, having contended with it my entire life. Anyone who needs to "talk," feel free to pm me.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

I think to my self, "Why would you get in trouble? For wanting to be treated like a person instead of just some mindless piece of meat?"

Also there is also a feared social stigma. Do you want everyone to think of you as the girl who was harassed.

People who are suffering at the hands of another can find many reasons for not reporting it.

How about people not caring what someone else thinks of them? If they don't report it or handle it themselves they're basically saying it's okay.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

Over the course of my career, I've dealt with some women who have been harrassed.
One girl had been beat up so bad mentally, that she felt that she could never do anything right. As her supervisor, it was almost as if I had to give her constant assurance that I was happy with her performance and that she was in fact doing a good job. Even then, it was difficult for her to take praise, and she was always so self deprecating. Whenever I did have to correct her, you would have thought it was the end of the world, instead of a slight "adjustment" in the way she did her job.
Another girl that I have dealt with was being sexually harrassed. A guy wouldn't leave her alone, constantly asking her on dates, saying that he was fertile, and other crap. Dealing with the girl, I have had to constantly reassure her that she didn't deserve that kind of treatment, at work or anywhere. The thing that gets me though, is the girl's reaction. She was so afraid to come forward to me and tell me these things. She has been so afraid that she was doing something wrong, or that she would get in trouble. I think to my self, "Why would you get in trouble? For wanting to be treated like a person instead of just some mindless piece of meat?"
I hate it that there are people out there who can mistreat others so badly that they tear them down to such low levels. That through just a few actions, a person can be made to feel so absolutely low.
Anyone else ever deal with harrasment? Whether dealing with someone who has been harrased or you were the one being harrased. How did you deal with it? And another question, why do people treat others so badly? WHY??????????

Why don't these women just stand up for themselves? Please...

Why don't people educate themselves before asking ridiculous and insulting questions like that one?

Educate themselves? Okay. Here's lesson #1. If someone harrasses you you deal with it head on. Life seems to work better that way in my opinion.

And instead of following me around these forums harrassing me, why don't you offer some concrete opinions of your own that address the actual question? See how I confronted that?

 

[Misfit Toy]

And instead of following me around these forums harrassing me, why don't you offer some concrete opinions of your own that address the actual question? See how I confronted that?

I was commenting on your callous post, not on you personally. As far as my opinion on the matter at hand, I believe I was clear in expressing my belief that simply telling harrassed or battered women to "stand up for themselves... please" is uninformed and insulting. Perhaps if your approach exhibited more Christian compassion you would understand.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

And instead of following me around these forums harrassing me, why don't you offer some concrete opinions of your own that address the actual question? See how I confronted that?

I was commenting on your callous post, not on you personally. As far as my opinion on the matter at hand, I believe I was clear in expressing my belief that simply telling harrassed or battered women to "stand up for themselves... please" is uninformed and insulting. Perhaps if your approach exhibited more Christian compassion you would understand.

Being a Christian is all about personal responsibility and accountability. Hence, that's why I posted it.

 

[Misfit Toy]

And instead of following me around these forums harrassing me, why don't you offer some concrete opinions of your own that address the actual question? See how I confronted that?

I was commenting on your callous post, not on you personally. As far as my opinion on the matter at hand, I believe I was clear in expressing my belief that simply telling harrassed or battered women to "stand up for themselves... please" is uninformed and insulting. Perhaps if your approach exhibited more Christian compassion you would understand.

Being a Christian is all about personal responsibility and accountibility. Hence, that's why I posted it.

So you are taking responsibility for your ill-informed comments? It doesn't look like it.

Here - learn something:

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Become Informed
Gather all the information you can about domestic
violence. Contact programs and services in your area
that assist battered women and their children. These
programs will provide advocacy, support, and other
needed services.
Be aware that your own feelings about violence may
make it difficult for you to confront the situation.
Contact your local domestic violence hotline or
program to talk to staff about your concerns. Battered
women’s advocates can be an excellent source of
support for both you and your friend.

Listen
Letting your friend or relation know that you care and
are willing to listen may be the best help you can offer.
Don’t force the issue, but allow her to confide in you
at her own pace. Keep your mind open and really
listen to what she tells you. Never blame her for
what’s happening or underestimate her fear of
potential danger. Remember that your friend must
make her own decisions about her life. Focus on
supporting her right to make her own choices

Focus on Her Strengths
Battered women live with emotional as well as
physical abuse. Your friend is probably continually
told by her abuser that she is a bad woman, bad wife,
and a bad mother. Without positive reinforcement
from outside the home, she may begin to believe she
can’t do anything right—that there really is something
wrong with her. Give her the emotional support she
needs to believe that she is a good person. Help her
examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she
deserves a life that is free from violence.

Be a Friend
Tell her you’re there for her when she needs you.
Provide whatever you can: transportation, child care,
financial assistance.

Guide Her to Community Services
When she asks for advice on what she should do, share
the information you’ve gathered with her privately. Let
her know she is not alone and that caring people are
available to help her. Encourage her to seek the
assistance of battered women’s advocates at the local
domestic violence hotline or program. Assure her that
any information she shares with them will be kept
strictly confidential.

Confront Her With the Danger
At some point, you may find it difficult to be supportive
of your friend or relation if she remains in the violent
relationship or returns to her abuser after a temporary
separation. Let her know that not everyone lives with
abuse. Be willing to confront her with the physical and
emotional harm that she and her children will suffer if
she stays. Help her face up to the dangerous
reality of living with an abusive partner.

Help Her Develop a Safety Plan
Encourage your friend to develop a safety plan by
thinking through steps to take when her partner
becomes abusive again. Make a list of people she could
call in an emergency. Suggest she put together and hide
a suitcase of clothing, personal items, money, social
security cards, bank books, children’s birth certificates
and school records, and other important documents.
Encourage her to call a local battered women’s shelter
for assistance with a cell phone.

If She Decides to Leave
The safest place your friend should contact is the local
domestic violence hotline or shelter. Shelter workers
will help her examine her options. Be very careful when
offering and providing safety in your home. The
battered woman frequently faces the most physical
danger when she attempts to flee. Be very discreet and
talk to your local shelter staff about the best way
to handle this.

When to Intervene: If you are a neighbor or otherwise
know that a battering incident is occurring, call 911
immediately. This is the most effective way to protect the
woman and her children from immediate harm.

Link.

 

[SomniumRabidum]

Why doesn't everyone hold hands and cry it out?

 

[Jadzia]

People who are suffering at the hands of another can find many reasons for not reporting it.

How about people not caring what someone else thinks of them?

Nobody is invincible.

 

[CaptainStoner]

Why doesn't everyone hold hands and cry it out?

Why do people like you think abuse and battery is funny?

 

[kimc]

And another question, why do people treat others so badly? WHY??????????

Honestly, because you're weak. Not necessarily you, I obviously don't know you, but people who asks questions like that are most often victimized.

Don't ask dumb questions. People are inherently greedy and selfish, it's the source of all our strength and success while simultaneously being one of the biggest things holding us back.

I want something. You have something. I am strong. You are weak. See where this is going?

I'm not sure it's strength vs weakness. After all the biggest bullies are often the biggest cowards when the tables are turned on them.

Personally I think it's insecurity on the part of the harrasser: "I'm not confident I can charm a woman into going out with me so I will try to intimidate her doing whatever I want." Men who are secure in their masculinity don't need to resort to those tactics.

 

[RAMA]

And instead of following me around these forums harrassing me, why don't you offer some concrete opinions of your own that address the actual question? See how I confronted that?

I was commenting on your callous post, not on you personally. As far as my opinion on the matter at hand, I believe I was clear in expressing my belief that simply telling harrassed or battered women to "stand up for themselves... please" is uninformed and insulting. Perhaps if your approach exhibited more Christian compassion you would understand.

Being a Christian is all about personal responsibility and accountability. Hence, that's why I posted it.

Isn't being a Christian about telling everyone what they should think based on an outdated, ancient philosophy? Hardly something that requires independent, ciritical thinking or even accountability. How long did it take the Pope to apologize for Galileo. Will they apologize for the crusades, or their stance on birth control, which has literally caused the death of millions in under-developed countries? Eh probably not, no accountability.

RAMA

 

[thestrangequark]

And another question, why do people treat others so badly? WHY??????????

Honestly, because you're weak. Not necessarily you, I obviously don't know you, but people who asks questions like that are most often victimized.

Don't ask dumb questions. People are inherently greedy and selfish, it's the source of all our strength and success while simultaneously being one of the biggest things holding us back.

I want something. You have something. I am strong. You are weak. See where this is going?

The only thing that can curb harassment like that is for a strong person to insist that it stops. Whining doesn't work, coddling doesn't work. Asking "why, oh why, booo hooo" doesn't work.

Of course, the only reason a strong person would step in is if they see something in it for themselves, which goes back to the aforementioned selfishness.

Either you have to be strong, and help them put a stop to it, or you need to help the victims become stronger people so that they can stop it themselves. Weak people will be victimized forever, that will never change.

I'm calling BS. I am a strong person, I haven't a "victim complex," and my daddy issues have absolutely nothing to do with how others treat me. The same goes for other women. Blaming the harassed for the behavior of the harassers is ignorant and illogical. I deal with street harassment on a daily basis, and while it's not usually as extreme as other forms of harassment, there's also very little one can do about it. Changing my behavior doesn't change my harassers' behavior -- I know because I've tried. I've been harassed in professional atmospheres twice, both in college. One instance was a professor who was inappropriate with several female students; enough of us came forward that something was done. The other was an acquaintance who became a stalker. Fortunately, his behavior stopped before it became too serious and intervention wasn't needed. Now, in both of these instances I had options to deal with the harassment, for many women the options are far more limited.

As for street harassment, I have almost no options. Until society changes as a whole in regards to the treatment of women, young women will just have to put up with it. And that sucks.