With the controversy surrounding Harlan Ellison and the Guardian of Forever reaching a fever pitch, eclipsing more trivial news stories about the war in Iraq and general mayhem across the globe, a recent interview with J.J. Abrams in "Coming Out" magazine sets the record straight.
J.J. eagerly embraced his opportunity to tell his side of the story. "Look, we thought we could get away with it," explained Abrams. "We were going to heavily feature Harlan's Guardian of Forever in a 150 million dollar movie which would be shown all over the world. We just figured Harlan wouldn't notice. That way, we'd never have to pay him. I mean, with a low-profile project like this flying under the radar and all, who would've suspected that he would have ever figured it out? Who knew the old bat even owned a computer?"
Various news sources indicate that Ellison was tipped off when he read an internet rumor that his Guardian would play a large part in the film. Ellison responds: "Look, these idiots post nonsense all day on the internet. None of it is true. It's all bullshit. So I saw something that one of these lying idiots wrote and I naturally assumed it was true. And I relied heavily on the truthfulness of that. The more I thought about this lying bullshitter, the more I got upset about the obvious truthfulness of what he wrote. I mean, these idiots spend all day ranting on the internet just to get attention. So I spent the rest of the day ranting on the internet about how this lying bullshitter better not be telling the truth. I guess I was just trying to get attention. Then, later on, I found out it was all bullshit. But who could have ever seen that coming? How was I to know?"
Ellison's attorney, Ethan Sakata, Esq., had this to say: "I'm watching this stuff unfold all over the news. Would it kill Harlan to pick up the phone and call me? For a thousand bucks, I could spend three minutes cranking out a cease and desist template that would cover the cost of my lunch at Nobu. But no, the bastard goes straight to the internet and rants and raves. Instead of poising myself to suck millions of dollars out of Paramount, I've got to ready a defensive posture to protect Harlan from his own defamatory accusations. How's a lawyer supposed to make a buck? Do you know how much money these Star Wars movies generate? What's the use, anyway? Last time I sent Harlan a bill, he picketed in front of my condo for a week."
Abrams provided a behind-the-scenes recount. "Yeah, we used it. I already admitted to that. So when Harlan found out, we had a real problem on our hands. We got Hans from maintenance and sent him out to find Harlan on the picket line. Hans' English isn't so good, but he convinced Harlan that he had seen the script and the Guardian wasn't in it. Did Harlan buy it? We can't be sure, but he took his rant about us off of his website and replaced it with a scathing commentary about how the milk in his refrigerator was one day past the expiration date, and if his part-time, live-in caregiver didn't do something about it, heads were going to roll. So we figure we're safe for now."
When pressed about how he was going to proceed and whether he had obtained Ellison's blessing, Abrams responded: "The word... is 'no.' I am therefore using it anyway. We changed the shape of it from round to square and changed the name of the damned thing to 'The Guardian of Pretty Much All the Time.' Problem is, because of the writers' strike, we can't change the script. So it will only be called the Guardian of Pretty Much All the Time in the novelization. In the movie, whenever an actor needs to say the name, he'll say 'Look out! It's the Guardian of...' and then we'll hear the red alert klaxon sound effect. It's genius."
Abrams, when asked about the still questionable legality of moving forward with the Guardian concept without Ellison's permission, had this to say: "The studio lawyers tell us we're covered. 'Doctrine of necessity,' they call it." When pressed to elaborate, Abrams explained: "Look, I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know all the little intricacies and whatnot, but it goes something like this: The doctrine of necessity excuses us from liability from an otherwise illegal act when we have unavoidably been forced to make a choice of evils."
The interviewer was obviously confused. Abrams, fidgeting in his seat, continued: "We set up a think tank of twenty of the world's best science-fiction writers. This movie is all about time travel, so we needed a device to make that happen. All those heads together, and no one could come up with anything better than a giant styrofoam donut. Let's face it, Ellison was a visionary. The man's a genius! There's no way around it. We have no choice. We have to use it. We expect juries to be sympathetic, if it comes to that. Let's see the jury come up with something better!"
Harlan Ellison, still visibly shaken by the events of the last few weeks, is not defeated. "All this talk about the Guardian has made me dust off some of my old ideas. You see, I own the Guardian of Forever and Edith Keeler. They're mine. So I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to make the movie. 'City on the Edge of Forever Begins.' I've got a lot of studios interested. Basically, it's all about Edith Keeler, rolling around in the Guardian of Forever, fighting crime in the streets of 1930's Chicago. Think 'Knight Rider' during the Great Depression, but with a big talking, rolling stone donut instead of a Trans-Am."
When Ellison was asked if Joan Collins would reprise the role she made famous, he responded: "The script is done. We're trying to find a way to work her in, but we're hampered by the fact that her character was killed in an automobile accident at the end of the episode. Maybe a cameo."
Collins was not available for comment, but her press agent responded with: "Joan Collins does not do cameos."
Privately, Collins is reported to have told a friend, "They would be foolish to ignore the financial success that I brought to that character."
When Ellison was asked what actress would play the younger Keeler, he responded with "that girl from 'Heroes.'" Ellison could not remember the actress' name, but assured the interviewer that she was a dead ringer for Keeler.
Long-time fans will be thrilled to hear that Ellison is currently in talks with Mary Statier to reprise her role as Joan Collins' stunt double from the original "City on the Edge of Forever."
"And if we can set aside enough money in the budget," beamed Ellison, "We can get Hal Baylor to reprise his role as 'Policeman.' Unfortunately, John Harmon (who played 'Rodent' in the original episode) had demands that simply could not be met."
When asked about guest appearances by Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, Ellison became angry. He mumbled unintelligibly, a string of profanity mixed with references to llamas. He started to inch towards his computer to post an angry rant, but then took a few deep breaths and answered the question. "No. I don't own those characters. I just own Keeler and the Guardian. But I think that's enough. Spock, Kirk, McCoy... They were incidental to the story. I don't think the fans will really want to see that."
So what are eager fans supposed to do until "City on the Edge of Forever Begins" premieres (ironically, on Christmas Day 2008, the same day that Abrams' "Star Trek" is scheduled to be released)?
Ellison expounds: "Well, the fans are already going nuts trying to figure out how the new Guardian of Forever is going to look. All I'm going to say is that it is going to be substantially re-imagined, but it will still have the same iconic donut shape."
Early spy photos have indicated that that girl from 'Heroes' will be wearing a pink dress in the film, which has outraged many fans. One fan had this to say: "Everybody frelling knows that her dress was green. I'm going to frakking boycott this movie, and so is my girlfriend, as soon as I get one."
Internet rumors predict that a teaser trailer for the film (featuring the Guardian of Forever under construction) will appear before the straight-to-DVD release of "Starship Troopers 3" in mid-January.
When asked to respond to this rumor, Ellison, visibly upset, stated, "They better not be using the Starship Troopers without my permission. I created those characters. Heads will roll. I have to get back to my blog. This interview is over."
"City on the Edge of Forever Begins" opens on Christmas Day, 2008.
J.J. eagerly embraced his opportunity to tell his side of the story. "Look, we thought we could get away with it," explained Abrams. "We were going to heavily feature Harlan's Guardian of Forever in a 150 million dollar movie which would be shown all over the world. We just figured Harlan wouldn't notice. That way, we'd never have to pay him. I mean, with a low-profile project like this flying under the radar and all, who would've suspected that he would have ever figured it out? Who knew the old bat even owned a computer?"
Various news sources indicate that Ellison was tipped off when he read an internet rumor that his Guardian would play a large part in the film. Ellison responds: "Look, these idiots post nonsense all day on the internet. None of it is true. It's all bullshit. So I saw something that one of these lying idiots wrote and I naturally assumed it was true. And I relied heavily on the truthfulness of that. The more I thought about this lying bullshitter, the more I got upset about the obvious truthfulness of what he wrote. I mean, these idiots spend all day ranting on the internet just to get attention. So I spent the rest of the day ranting on the internet about how this lying bullshitter better not be telling the truth. I guess I was just trying to get attention. Then, later on, I found out it was all bullshit. But who could have ever seen that coming? How was I to know?"
Ellison's attorney, Ethan Sakata, Esq., had this to say: "I'm watching this stuff unfold all over the news. Would it kill Harlan to pick up the phone and call me? For a thousand bucks, I could spend three minutes cranking out a cease and desist template that would cover the cost of my lunch at Nobu. But no, the bastard goes straight to the internet and rants and raves. Instead of poising myself to suck millions of dollars out of Paramount, I've got to ready a defensive posture to protect Harlan from his own defamatory accusations. How's a lawyer supposed to make a buck? Do you know how much money these Star Wars movies generate? What's the use, anyway? Last time I sent Harlan a bill, he picketed in front of my condo for a week."
Abrams provided a behind-the-scenes recount. "Yeah, we used it. I already admitted to that. So when Harlan found out, we had a real problem on our hands. We got Hans from maintenance and sent him out to find Harlan on the picket line. Hans' English isn't so good, but he convinced Harlan that he had seen the script and the Guardian wasn't in it. Did Harlan buy it? We can't be sure, but he took his rant about us off of his website and replaced it with a scathing commentary about how the milk in his refrigerator was one day past the expiration date, and if his part-time, live-in caregiver didn't do something about it, heads were going to roll. So we figure we're safe for now."
When pressed about how he was going to proceed and whether he had obtained Ellison's blessing, Abrams responded: "The word... is 'no.' I am therefore using it anyway. We changed the shape of it from round to square and changed the name of the damned thing to 'The Guardian of Pretty Much All the Time.' Problem is, because of the writers' strike, we can't change the script. So it will only be called the Guardian of Pretty Much All the Time in the novelization. In the movie, whenever an actor needs to say the name, he'll say 'Look out! It's the Guardian of...' and then we'll hear the red alert klaxon sound effect. It's genius."
Abrams, when asked about the still questionable legality of moving forward with the Guardian concept without Ellison's permission, had this to say: "The studio lawyers tell us we're covered. 'Doctrine of necessity,' they call it." When pressed to elaborate, Abrams explained: "Look, I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know all the little intricacies and whatnot, but it goes something like this: The doctrine of necessity excuses us from liability from an otherwise illegal act when we have unavoidably been forced to make a choice of evils."
The interviewer was obviously confused. Abrams, fidgeting in his seat, continued: "We set up a think tank of twenty of the world's best science-fiction writers. This movie is all about time travel, so we needed a device to make that happen. All those heads together, and no one could come up with anything better than a giant styrofoam donut. Let's face it, Ellison was a visionary. The man's a genius! There's no way around it. We have no choice. We have to use it. We expect juries to be sympathetic, if it comes to that. Let's see the jury come up with something better!"
Harlan Ellison, still visibly shaken by the events of the last few weeks, is not defeated. "All this talk about the Guardian has made me dust off some of my old ideas. You see, I own the Guardian of Forever and Edith Keeler. They're mine. So I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to make the movie. 'City on the Edge of Forever Begins.' I've got a lot of studios interested. Basically, it's all about Edith Keeler, rolling around in the Guardian of Forever, fighting crime in the streets of 1930's Chicago. Think 'Knight Rider' during the Great Depression, but with a big talking, rolling stone donut instead of a Trans-Am."
When Ellison was asked if Joan Collins would reprise the role she made famous, he responded: "The script is done. We're trying to find a way to work her in, but we're hampered by the fact that her character was killed in an automobile accident at the end of the episode. Maybe a cameo."
Collins was not available for comment, but her press agent responded with: "Joan Collins does not do cameos."
Privately, Collins is reported to have told a friend, "They would be foolish to ignore the financial success that I brought to that character."
When Ellison was asked what actress would play the younger Keeler, he responded with "that girl from 'Heroes.'" Ellison could not remember the actress' name, but assured the interviewer that she was a dead ringer for Keeler.
Long-time fans will be thrilled to hear that Ellison is currently in talks with Mary Statier to reprise her role as Joan Collins' stunt double from the original "City on the Edge of Forever."
"And if we can set aside enough money in the budget," beamed Ellison, "We can get Hal Baylor to reprise his role as 'Policeman.' Unfortunately, John Harmon (who played 'Rodent' in the original episode) had demands that simply could not be met."
When asked about guest appearances by Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, Ellison became angry. He mumbled unintelligibly, a string of profanity mixed with references to llamas. He started to inch towards his computer to post an angry rant, but then took a few deep breaths and answered the question. "No. I don't own those characters. I just own Keeler and the Guardian. But I think that's enough. Spock, Kirk, McCoy... They were incidental to the story. I don't think the fans will really want to see that."
So what are eager fans supposed to do until "City on the Edge of Forever Begins" premieres (ironically, on Christmas Day 2008, the same day that Abrams' "Star Trek" is scheduled to be released)?
Ellison expounds: "Well, the fans are already going nuts trying to figure out how the new Guardian of Forever is going to look. All I'm going to say is that it is going to be substantially re-imagined, but it will still have the same iconic donut shape."
Early spy photos have indicated that that girl from 'Heroes' will be wearing a pink dress in the film, which has outraged many fans. One fan had this to say: "Everybody frelling knows that her dress was green. I'm going to frakking boycott this movie, and so is my girlfriend, as soon as I get one."
Internet rumors predict that a teaser trailer for the film (featuring the Guardian of Forever under construction) will appear before the straight-to-DVD release of "Starship Troopers 3" in mid-January.
When asked to respond to this rumor, Ellison, visibly upset, stated, "They better not be using the Starship Troopers without my permission. I created those characters. Heads will roll. I have to get back to my blog. This interview is over."
"City on the Edge of Forever Begins" opens on Christmas Day, 2008.
