The first one is the hardest. Won't feel a thing after that... 
Just kidding with you a bit.
Just kidding with you a bit.
Estranged Family Members?
- Thread starter Kestra
- Start date
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I really hope the situation improves for you.
My story was pretty well documented in January, when everything went down.
I had a younger sister, my only sibling. She was an alcoholic. A raging one. A True Professional.
Anyone who has dealt with substance abuse in a family member knows what it's like. Everything is someone else's fault. She was completely irrational, verbally abusive, and made terrible decisions which my parents were left to clean up. After our Mother died in 1999 things got much worse. It was like nothing could stop her anymore, no one could talk sense into her.
I never made a formal declaration or anything, but we just stopped talking. I lived about 300 miles away, so there was no need to see her. When we went home to LA for holidays and such she never showed up anyway. For my own sanity, I had to let her go. It's not that I didn't love her anymore, or that I wished ill upon her, it's just that I could not subject myself and my family to her craziness any longer. It would have been more fruitful to talk to a brick wall.
Fast forward to 2008. She was diagnosed with cirhossis of the liver (now up to a half gallon of vodka a day). She did not get help, she did not go to rehab. She accepted her death sentence and partied even harder. Christmas Eve 2008, she was in the hospital when they told her there was nothing more they could do for her. They arranged hospice care for her, and gave her about 4 weeks to live. The nurses found an empty vodka bottle in her hospital room nightstand.
Trying to condense this a bit....after a while the hospice folks made it clear that they would not be able to continue caring for her and giving her medication for the pain unless someone "responsible" from the family was there. Her husband was a useless drunk, and her boyfriend who lived with them (don't ask) was pleasant enough but a drunk and rather stupid individual. My dad lived 3000 miles away and wanted nothing to do with her. My other relatives pitched in, but there was a firm limit to how much they would do. So after all those years, enter Big Brother.
I took a leave of absence from work, and went to LA to take care of her as she died. When I arrived the nurse told her someone was here to see her. She looked up from her bed at me. She was unable to speak anymore, but her eyes got very wide, she reached out her hand to me, and then she started crying. For that one brief moment, all was forgiven and forgotten.
Her house looked like a crack house. It was filthy and disgusting on every level. I cleaned, I washed, I organized while her dumbass husband stayed in the bedroom and drank all day. Her boyfirend tried to help, but was so wrapped up in his own grief and alcoholism he couldn't do much. I made sure she got her medicine, and tried to make her comfortable. She was only conscious for a little bit once I got there. 40 hours after I arrived, I sat at the foot of her bed and watched her take her last breath. She had died right in front of me. The hospice nurse and director told me she was waiting for me to come so that she could move on. She was 38 years old.
So...what's the moral? I don't know if there is one. Sometimes, for our own good we have to detach from toxic things. Sometimes those toxic things are family members. It doesn't really matter, as everyone has a right to defend themselves and live their own lives.
On the other hand, you never know what twists and turns life has in store for you. Or them. You never know what kind of situation you'll be faced with, and what you will have to decide.
So I guess there is a moral after all: Take care of yourself, but never say never. You don't know what the future holds.
I had a younger sister, my only sibling. She was an alcoholic. A raging one. A True Professional.
Anyone who has dealt with substance abuse in a family member knows what it's like. Everything is someone else's fault. She was completely irrational, verbally abusive, and made terrible decisions which my parents were left to clean up. After our Mother died in 1999 things got much worse. It was like nothing could stop her anymore, no one could talk sense into her.
I never made a formal declaration or anything, but we just stopped talking. I lived about 300 miles away, so there was no need to see her. When we went home to LA for holidays and such she never showed up anyway. For my own sanity, I had to let her go. It's not that I didn't love her anymore, or that I wished ill upon her, it's just that I could not subject myself and my family to her craziness any longer. It would have been more fruitful to talk to a brick wall.
Fast forward to 2008. She was diagnosed with cirhossis of the liver (now up to a half gallon of vodka a day). She did not get help, she did not go to rehab. She accepted her death sentence and partied even harder. Christmas Eve 2008, she was in the hospital when they told her there was nothing more they could do for her. They arranged hospice care for her, and gave her about 4 weeks to live. The nurses found an empty vodka bottle in her hospital room nightstand.
Trying to condense this a bit....after a while the hospice folks made it clear that they would not be able to continue caring for her and giving her medication for the pain unless someone "responsible" from the family was there. Her husband was a useless drunk, and her boyfriend who lived with them (don't ask) was pleasant enough but a drunk and rather stupid individual. My dad lived 3000 miles away and wanted nothing to do with her. My other relatives pitched in, but there was a firm limit to how much they would do. So after all those years, enter Big Brother.
I took a leave of absence from work, and went to LA to take care of her as she died. When I arrived the nurse told her someone was here to see her. She looked up from her bed at me. She was unable to speak anymore, but her eyes got very wide, she reached out her hand to me, and then she started crying. For that one brief moment, all was forgiven and forgotten.
Her house looked like a crack house. It was filthy and disgusting on every level. I cleaned, I washed, I organized while her dumbass husband stayed in the bedroom and drank all day. Her boyfirend tried to help, but was so wrapped up in his own grief and alcoholism he couldn't do much. I made sure she got her medicine, and tried to make her comfortable. She was only conscious for a little bit once I got there. 40 hours after I arrived, I sat at the foot of her bed and watched her take her last breath. She had died right in front of me. The hospice nurse and director told me she was waiting for me to come so that she could move on. She was 38 years old.
So...what's the moral? I don't know if there is one. Sometimes, for our own good we have to detach from toxic things. Sometimes those toxic things are family members. It doesn't really matter, as everyone has a right to defend themselves and live their own lives.
On the other hand, you never know what twists and turns life has in store for you. Or them. You never know what kind of situation you'll be faced with, and what you will have to decide.
So I guess there is a moral after all: Take care of yourself, but never say never. You don't know what the future holds.
I enjoy a healthy relationship with my family now, at 42, but when I was in my early teens, I was a lying, thieving, drama-filled train wreck and in retrospect would have fully understood as an adult if they had sent me away to foster care and never bothered with me again. Also, though I love her dearly today and am close to her, I would have cheerfully strangled my stepsister to death when we were younger, if left undisturbed with her jump rope for thirty seconds.
I am eternally grateful to my mom, dad, and stepmother for putting up with my shit, and they have congratulated me on growing up into a responsible law-abiding family man. Dealing with my own teenagers, I am reminded that just because they act a certain way at this point in their lives, that doesn't necessarily mean that they are destined to be that way forever, and patience and faith bestow their own rewards. Just because someone is a toxic personality at this particular point in their life doesn't mean there's no hope.
That having been said, you do need to weigh the pros and cons of having someone toxic in your life if they're a grown adult and still being that way, with little likelihood of change for the better.
I am eternally grateful to my mom, dad, and stepmother for putting up with my shit, and they have congratulated me on growing up into a responsible law-abiding family man. Dealing with my own teenagers, I am reminded that just because they act a certain way at this point in their lives, that doesn't necessarily mean that they are destined to be that way forever, and patience and faith bestow their own rewards. Just because someone is a toxic personality at this particular point in their life doesn't mean there's no hope.
That having been said, you do need to weigh the pros and cons of having someone toxic in your life if they're a grown adult and still being that way, with little likelihood of change for the better.
I'm estranged from my grandparents on my father's side. It's a long and complicated story, but suffice so say they have done some things to my father that no parents should ever do to their son. I also spent a few months living with them after my father and I had a rather heated argument (he and I were both in a terrible depression at that point, and we took it out on eachother.) Living with them was hell. They're very controlling and rude people that cannot understand how hurtful they can be.. They try to creep their way back into my life every once in a while, but I repeat that I want nothing to do with them. My life is far happier without them in it. I don't care if someone is family. If they are a drain on your happiness, then they must be removed.
I was never estranged from any family members. Had a little trouble with some of the fundamentalist ones occasionally, but they lived far away and were still basically wonderful people.
My father wasn't crazy about me going into the arts and writing, but mostly because he knew how hard it would be, and he was right. His final year, when his illness kicked in, he finally said as long as being in the arts made me happy, it was okay. I suspect it was more a surrender than an approval, but it was nice to hear.
--Ted
My father wasn't crazy about me going into the arts and writing, but mostly because he knew how hard it would be, and he was right. His final year, when his illness kicked in, he finally said as long as being in the arts made me happy, it was okay. I suspect it was more a surrender than an approval, but it was nice to hear.
--Ted
cut off my older younger sister a few years ago, she always a bit of a cow but we tolerated it however she met up with a complete wanker to excuse my language , he talked her into making crank calls at all times of the night and day ordering pizzas to be sent to my partners house, threatening my little niece who was 6 at the time then she turned on me mum started the old threats and the like, we could hear him in the back ground and that done it for me.so me and a few frineds paid them a visit kick the crap out of him and told my sister to go f*** her self and dont show her self any where near the family again.the good thing that came out of this is that it pulled the rest of the family together including my partner was being included into the family (mum decieded my partner was ok after all) and now we're stronger then we've ever have been for a long while.
Yeah, sucks, but thats life. If someoen is causing that much pain, better off with out them. I, my sister, and my parents have all but cut my little brother out of my life. Short of the long is in the end, it wasnt worth it to maintain the relationship when we knew we were only viewed as conveniences to him. Yeah it still kinda sucks, but in the end we are all better off with out him.
I call it "pruning the family tree". Sometimes you have to prune off a sick branch to save the tree.
I have some experience with this kind of thing. My maternal grandmother is a person who lies pathologically. She deliberately would try to set one family member against another by telling flat out lies. My cousin, the daughter of my mother's sister, was just like her and always resentful of my sister and myself. The family just puts up with their shit, but nearly 20 years ago they both pushed me too far. I had had enough and I cut all ties.
For years after, my mother and my sister would try to change my mind about my grandmother at least. But I told them my reasons, a real long story I won't bore you all with, and stuck to my guns. At first they thought I hated them, but came to realize my true feelings over time. That I just don't care about them anymore. My grandmother and cousin may as well be strangers to me for all I care. Had my maternal grandfather still been alive, the man who was more of a father to me than my own ever hoped to be, he would not have put up with their shit either and, being the patriarch of the family, would have put them in their place. But I was the youngest of the family and didn't have the power to do that. So I pulled out the figurative chainsaw and cut off the sick branch from my family tree, and it was the best thing I could have done for it.
I have some experience with this kind of thing. My maternal grandmother is a person who lies pathologically. She deliberately would try to set one family member against another by telling flat out lies. My cousin, the daughter of my mother's sister, was just like her and always resentful of my sister and myself. The family just puts up with their shit, but nearly 20 years ago they both pushed me too far. I had had enough and I cut all ties.
For years after, my mother and my sister would try to change my mind about my grandmother at least. But I told them my reasons, a real long story I won't bore you all with, and stuck to my guns. At first they thought I hated them, but came to realize my true feelings over time. That I just don't care about them anymore. My grandmother and cousin may as well be strangers to me for all I care. Had my maternal grandfather still been alive, the man who was more of a father to me than my own ever hoped to be, he would not have put up with their shit either and, being the patriarch of the family, would have put them in their place. But I was the youngest of the family and didn't have the power to do that. So I pulled out the figurative chainsaw and cut off the sick branch from my family tree, and it was the best thing I could have done for it.
To me, if it gets to the point where you feel "obliged" to like anyone - it's time to walk away. With distance and time to yourselves you may well start to be able to get along again, but it won't resolve while you are feeling the frustration of feeling that you "have" to like this person.
Well, I've talked to everyone else in my immediate family about this and they all support me, even without knowing the extent of my issues with her. As it is, I'm pretty much the last person in our family that was reaching out to her, and they all think I've put up with far more than I should. But even as they were telling me they supported my decision, I felt like trying to change everyone's minds and reach out to her again. I know it wouldn't do anything but it's just the way I'm wired.
I'm going to try to stick to this, but it's really difficult. I feel like I've just lost half of myself.
I do have to say though, I'm surprised by the amount of responses in this thread. It's helped me think things through.
I'm going to try to stick to this, but it's really difficult. I feel like I've just lost half of myself.
I do have to say though, I'm surprised by the amount of responses in this thread. It's helped me think things through.
Kaestra: so sorry to read of your family woes. I don't know what I would do if my family ever cut off ties with me or estranged me. I know I couldn't ever estrange them from anything. I can't imagine what it's been like for you these past few years. I'll bet it sucks having a family member that is constantly in your face, telling you how to live your life. I would feel like telling that family member: hey if I wanted a lecture I'd go to a lecture hall! I'm sure it's really rough on you..I'd probably, if I were in your situation, try to keep things civil in the family. Of course, I'm the type of person that likes to AVOID conflict at all costs though. Good luck with that. I know it's got to be hard on you and is putting a strain in your personal life.
You're not being selfish. I wanted to cut my dad out of my life since I was five, and my brother's drinking, and the constant emotional abuse I recieved from both of them made me want to be rid of them for years, but until my mom died I was not allowed to. She believed that everybody should love everybody else not matter what, and also took their abuse. Only she did it willingly, which is one of the things that I believe helped contribute to her death. Since she died I have had not contact with either, and while I would like to patch things up with my brother, I have no plans to speak to either of them ever again.
There comes a point where you simply have to put yourself first. Espcially when it starts to affect your health as this situation did mine.
There comes a point where you simply have to put yourself first. Espcially when it starts to affect your health as this situation did mine.
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