Estranged Family Members?

[Kestra]

I've been dealing with a situation in my personal life for a long time now, and I think it's going to result in an estrangement between myself, and a close family member. Even with me trying to minimize confrontation, there's already a huge strain on our relationship and I'm at the point where I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to just give up.

But I was raised with this whole "love your family unconditionally" mindset and over the years I'd like to think we've been pretty close. So I wonder if I'm being too selfish, or not living up to my responsibility, and I feel guilty and overwhelmed.

This is a personal issue and obviously no one here can tell me what to do, so I'm not looking for that. I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation, and how you dealt with it. If later you resolved things, or if you regret the way you handled the situation.

I'd like to hear any experiences that people are willing to share. Thanks in advance.

 

[SeerSGB]

Not wanting to deal with a person isn't being selfish. And you have NO responsiblity to associate yourself with family you don't want to, no one has the right to make too. I understand how you was raised, I got that noise when I was growing up. But the truth is that only person you have to be happy with is yourself.

 

[Hermiod]

^+1.

I will have nothing to do with my father for reasons that have already been documented here enough times.

 

[Spot's Meow]

It would be very difficult to be estranged from my immediate family (parents or three sisters) because of the logistical problems it would create, but I guess you could say I'm sort of estranged from my dad's side of the family. We never got in a big fight and shunned each other or anything, but I have never gotten along with them. My step-grandma and her daughters (my aunts) have always seemed to hold some grudge against me. They resent it when I am successful (my step-grandma was upset when she learned I got a full scholarship for college because her daughters had never gotten one). When I was a teenager and still had to attend family functions along with my parents I put up with it, was polite, and went through some times of hell with them.

Since I moved out a few years ago I just never call them or go see them. They don't call me or try to see me either so I'm not upset about it. I just don't care about them (by the way I am blood-related to all of them except the step-grandma). But, I have never been a big family person. To me, a family is just people you share genes with. They are NOT the people I would have chosen to be in my life as friends or even acquaintances. So why should I have to hang out with people I don't really like or get along with? In some cases it is necessary, like some holidays, but I just try to avoid them during those events and ignore them the rest of the year. If you have a family you get along with and can be close with, that is awesome. But if you don't like the people, there's no need to subject yourself to them. Of course this also means that later on in life when you may need something you cannot count on these certain people, but I am willing to accept that as I believe that the pain of having them in my life would be more than it's worth. I also have other family that I know I can count on, so no big loss.

 

[Kestra]

It would be very difficult to be estranged from my immediate family (parents or three sisters) because of the logistical problems it would create...

Yeah, that's what I'm looking at. Even despite logistical problems and flat out concern for this person, I don't think I can handle it anymore.

 

[SeerSGB]

Just do what is right for you. You can't babysit or watch over someone their whole lives just because you are "suppose to". There's concern, then there's letting someone using that concern to control you. At some point we all have to stand on our own two feet, and we all have to make the life we want to live.

 

[Spot's Meow]

I think that when I was young I felt some responsibility to take care of my sisters, and I will always be responsible to take care of my parents, but once siblings have grown into adults I don't think you have any responsibility towards them. You are simply two adults who share the same parents. Hopefully you can be good friends, but if not then you have to recognize that you are two very different people. It is coming to this point with one of my sisters, though I am cutting her some slack because she's only 17 right now. We have conflicting personalities and I don't foresee it getting any better. But I think you treat the situation sort of how two divorced parents do...you may dislike each other but you put your issues aside when it comes to being there for your kids. For siblings, you would avoid each other but come together when it is necessary to be there for your parents. That's how I could see my situation turning out.

 

[Shatmandu]

I'd like to hear any experiences that people are willing to share. Thanks in advance.

First, I'm sorry you're going through troubles.

I cut off all contact with my father about twelve years ago. Best thing I ever did.

He was a complete and utter ass to our family for thirty-odd years, and I decided life is too short to spend time dealing with asses. If you have cancer, you cut it out.

I wrote the following about "love your family unconditionally" in a Father's Day thread last week:

I've got two problems with that silly old saying about blood being thicker than water.

1. A hemroid the size of a banana is related to you by blood, but you'd still have the damned thing sliced off.

2. If family meant anything to him, if blood was thicker than water, he wouldn't have treated you the way he did. He would have been out shitting on a stranger.

You are not your brother's keeper. You deserve a life free of constant assholery.

Joe, free

 

[SeerSGB]

Hells, I've already decided that once things change and me and the wife are completely back on our own 2 feet, we're moving, I'm changing my last name to her family name and cutting all ties to my relatives. Why? Cause I'm tired of the stupid drama and the whole "well you're the oldest of the grandkids, you should straighten <insert cousin here> out, you've got step up to your responsibility"

Yeah, fuck 'em. I'm not the first to do what I'm talking about. Last month my cousin moved to Cali to be with her husband (they met online, lived in TN for the last several months till my Aunt ran him off with her bullshit) and she sent word back don't call her, don't e-mail her, don't even send her a letter, she's done with the bullshit and we could all consider her dead if that's what it took for us to stay out of her life.

 

[Aurian]

Well.. Yeah, I have been in such a situation with my twinsister.

After my mother died, my sister and I got into a huge fight. Cat fight actually. She hit me and I did NOT back down.
After that she and I had a VERY FREAKING STRAINED relationship for about a year and a half, only spending time together if it was absolutly necessary in order not to upset my father. I missed my twinsister (as in the good part of her), but she made me feel like a stranger in my family due to the ironhold she has on the family in general.
After that period of time, we had a talk (after I took her up on an invite to her birthdayparty with the rest of the family) and even though we still don't agree on "who started it or why's" we decided to get past it and just work on our relationship from now on.
But it could just as well have been that we never really spoken to eachother again.

It is working for the most part. She butts out of my life as much as she can (and believe me it is hard for her, so i forgive her when she meddles) and I make sure to not push her "annoyance buttons" too much, and we try to be generous with eachother. In many ways, we have a much better relationship now than when we were younger, and I love her.

What I am saying, is that sometimes time apart is the best thing.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

I think your relationship with your family should be entirely dependent on how they act and not on some notion of familial love. I haven't spoken to my brother in over 15 years. We were close as children, but in my teen years I went through some difficult times and he basically kind of abandoned me. After that we didn't have one nice thing to say to each other and eventually stopped talking altogether.

My brother is also estranged from the rest of the family. He and my mother used to argue constantly and one day he estranged himself from her. That wouldn't be so bad but he cut himself off from our father too. Even after my father got cancer and it was obvious he only had a certain amount of time to live. My father died about 18 months ago and he didn't attend the funeral and didn't respond to our calls.

My girlfriend didn't speak to her biological father after she was about 12. He wanted to start a new family and for some reason he thought it necessary to cut her out of his life going so far as to try and deny he was her real father to her face.

When people's actions indicate they don't want you as a family member you are under no obligation to treat them as family anymore.

 

[Michael Chris]

Having seen this with my own family, I would recommend that you do everything you can to preserve your family bonds.

 

[Kestra]

But it could just as well have been that we never really spoken to eachother again.

That's the thing. I feel like I can't look at this as some sort of temporary break, but a very real possibility that we will never be close again. Because there are no guarantees of any sort.

 

[Aurian]

But it could just as well have been that we never really spoken to eachother again.

That's the thing. I feel like I can't look at this as some sort of temporary break, but a very real possibility that we will never be close again. Because there are no guarantees of any sort.

I felt that way too. After she hit me- with her knowing that I have been beaten before- I truly felt it was over, and that I would never be close with her again or forgive. But I guess in the end I could. But if we had not talked it through in painful detail and let all the air and anger out, made a mutual agreement and most importantly- stuck to that... we prolly still would have been angrily ignoring eachother.

 

[Brent]

Sometimes it is hard, but sometimes someone has to stand up and be the better person, the hero. It is hard to do the right thing. Obviously, if a family member is hurting you, get away, if they are causing you grief, separate yourself. Otherwise, just be kind, nice and let them know you are there for them should they ever need it. You don't want to get into a situation where you just simply refuse to help them at all in a time of need, they are after all your family.

It is hard to constantly be berated, unwelcomed, and used, yet still be the better person, smile, be kind, and just be the better person about it all. I've had some similar lessons I've had to learn this past year, when I moved 1,000 miles away to try and help a family member. It started out great at first, but hasn't gone as I had hoped or planned, I am learning the hard way what it means to be the better person, and it is certainly not easy to keep doing. I live in the comfort that I know I at least have done the right thing, and that I have not done anything wrong, everything I have done and do is out of good intentions. So I'm just going to keep doing the right thing, as hard as it is, hopefully it will make an impact.

I told this person once, friends come and go, but you'll always have your family to fall back on. Family to me, is very important.

 

[Meredith]

I have a sister who estranged herself from the family after getting married to a religious nutjob and having 14 children. Her husband needs to cross a barbed wire fence halfway and walk down it a mile for her sake.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I am estranged from my eldest son, Daniel.

He was difficult as a child but it wasn't until he was an adult that I started to dislike him. When he was in his early 20 he spent a coiuple of years livingon the Mainland and when he returned to Tasmania he was a different person. I suspect it is a result of drugs.

He has managed to alienate everyone in my family - his brothers, my mother and father, my sisters and my brother, my niece and my nephews as well as my former neighbours and my friends. For example


When my father, a normally tolerant man, was dying he said he didn't want Daniel to visit.

On one occasion he visited my mother but mother wouldn't let him in because he was acting strange. My sister, who was visiting from Adelaide at the time, armed herself with a golfclub in case Daniel tried to enter the house.

He has stolen from me, his brothers, my sister and from a couple of my neighbours.

He says he hates my best friend. When asked why he answered that he hates the sunglasses she wears and when she wears them he want to punch her face in.

He says that the reason he cannot get a job is because his grandmother refused to buy him a car when he returned from the Mainland.

He is a compulsive liar.

Once he turned up at the casino where my niece worked on the reception desk. My niece saw him coming and hid in a storage room because she didn't want him to know that she worked there.

I feel a failure when it come to this son but as my other two sons have grown into fine, young men I guess I can't be that bad a mother.

 

[Me-Ike]

I am currently in a situation which could end in estrangement or, at the other end of the spectrum, at least a partial healing of the relationship with my father.
I'm trying to hold onto it, especially because we used to have such a special relationship. But holding on also means fights, arguments, and getting hurt. The minute I don't want to deal with that anymore, it becomes a relationship based on seeing each other during family meet-ups. I'm not there yet.

However this will turn out, I hope that you will be dealing with your situation in which ever way is best for you personally and that you don't get hurt too much on the way.

 

[An Officer]

If there is a rotten fruit on the tree, I have no qualms cutting it off. If however, it is merely ailing a little and can be nursed back to heath, absolutely.

Everyone will disappoint you sooner or later, people do what they want to do, not want you want them to do. If you cut those off one by one, you may soon find there's no one left, and that's a rather tragic and unkind end.

I've cut off at least half a dozen family members... the repetitive trauma, headaches, and stress, were simply no longer worth it to me. Just because you respect someone as your blood, it does not mean they consider you the same way. I have been a lot happier since I have gotten out of the shadow of certain people. Thankfully not immediate family - first cousins and such, still I considered them close to me. Maybe one day, those will be repaired, too, who knows. Everyone changes, I'm sure I will too.

 

[Kestra]

First, I'm sorry you're going through troubles.

Thank you, and thanks to everyone who has responded so far. I'm not responding to each personally, but I am reading them all and I appreciate what you are sharing with me.

It's helping me put some perspective on the matter, in a way. There are things that I thought happened to other people or other families, but that mine was some completely unique situation that was the exception. And while each situation is unique, I'm beginning to realize that it may not be an exception.

I'm not taking any decision lightly. Anyone who knows me well, even online, knows that I value friendship and loyalty, try to see the best in people, and really want everyone to get along. So for me to consider cutting a close family member out of my life is a huge, heart-wrenching decision.

Regardless of what I decide to do, thanks again to everyone who has shared stories.