Dumped

[Roshi]

I feel sorry for you, Apostle. Like many other posters have said here, I may not agree with you on many subjects, but it does not mean you deserve suffering. Hang on, you will feel better later on. Trust me. It will take time, you will need to evacuate all of this in order to feel better again. Since you like shooting, go have some rounds in one of your places where you shoot, change scenery, go to the country side, go trekking, spend sometime outdoors. Shout out loud.
And then return to TNZ with your threads!

 

[pookha]

it is comforting that you do have the dog to care for .
and you might be right. the philosophical stuff could be only a small part of it with such a big move and her being such a long distance away.

maybe you both should consider this a little bit of a break with the potential of seeing where both of you are at when she is able to come back home in the winter.

it is very possible her views may change as she is exposed to more people, reading ect..

she is going to learn faith isnt perfect because man isnt perfect.

 

[PlainSimpleJoel]

Best of luck with your problems apostle83.

I'm already his appointed tormentor.

Oh, for God's sake.

Fine. I'll take Wrongway Janeway.

We should have a mod auction. Think of how much being the arch nemesis of Anthony or T'Bonz would go for.

It's been done ... and but never hurts to do it again.

Might be an idea to auction Emh first?

 

[cultcross]

To everyone who has expressed sympathies, thank you.

I've done much thinking and prayer. I have also spoken with my ex several more times. We rescued a dog together in April (I believe). Since she is returning to school to finish her masters in cello performance this fall in MA, the plan was always for me to have the dog then. This is... still the plan.

We are meeting this weekend to swap the dog. I think that this will be one of the hardest meetings that I will ever have.

You have to understand that I completely adore my ex.

One of my fears is that with all the change of moving and going back to school that she got scared and it made our differences glare. While she has deeply hurt me, right now I cannot imagine my life without her. She implied that she isn't sure the relationship is over forever. I hope not, because I still love her.

I took today off of work, but am going in Wednesday. In between tears tonight, I planned several things to do tomorrow and for the indefinate future while not at work. I want my time to be so busy, and my life at home to be so tired, that I don't have time to think about her. I'm hitting the gym at six am, and tomorrow night am buying what I need to eat healthy. With the extra time I have, there is no reason for me to not eat healthy, work out, and regulate my sleeping patterns.

I'm so ripped apart right now. I feel like my insides are exploding and slamming into a clear wall that is there for no discernable reason.

This is a good attitude to take, apostle, and the very best of luck in extracting something positive for yourself out of this. In times of loss or sadness, I find keeping busy really is the best medicine; avoid long periods of Anne Rice tortured soul brooding because that will only prolong the worst of the pain.

 

[Jim Steele]

You have my sympathies.

The reason for the break up seems a tad ridiculous though, to be frank. It's like breaking up over a misheard lyric.

 

[Scout101]

that sucks, sorry man. Been through something similiar myself a few years back, and it sucks. No way around that one. In my experience, at least, you're better off trying to make a clean break, at least for a while, rather than keep holding on. Just draws things out, and eventually it gets nasty, because while one side has been done with the relationship for a while, the other really hasn't let go, so there's a whole "second" breakup, and this time, the other side isn't as close to the issue, comes off as cruel, and you feel worse about it. Just my experience.

Another vote for the camp that feels that the religion aspect really wasn't that big a part of it. It's the reason she went with, but partially because it's something you couldn't refute, couldn't promise to change. (Mine was from Michigan, and said she couldn't see herself staying in New England, and didn't want to ask me to move. To show that that wasn't really the issue, she still lives in roughly the same area, 4 years later, so she wasn't in SUCH a big hurry to move, I guess).

In your case, sounds like some doubts, the strain of a long-distance relationship (religion aside, not having sex when you ARE together has to make a long-distance thing even tougher), and her getting ready to move and start another chapter in her life.

The bit with the dog is going to be tough. Makes sense that you get it, since she's continuing school, plus it's your favorite kind of dog, named after your childhood pet, etc. It's going to be tough with him around, though. One more thing to constantly remind you of the ex, and either depress you or make you less excited to see the dog, which isn't fair. Makes it tougher to move on from her, as well. Doesn't sound like she can take him, though, and not fair to the dog to get rid of him, so gotta do the best you can there, I guess.

Just as an aside (and not trying to wreck the thread at all, maybe it can spawn a different thread if it sidetracks too far?), but I don't understand your position on the religious debate, I don't think. You seemed to indicate that once someone is "saved", that they're saved no matter what, and that can't be revoked. Really? I would tend to think that even if you're a perfect Christian, take Jesus into your heart, etc, your salvation would still depend on what happens after. If a good, Saved person snaps after a tragedy and ends up sinning (say, killing another, or themselves, or whatnot), shouldn't that have an effect? If you can choose to walk into the light, can't you choose to leave? I would tend to think it could be revoked, otherwise your actions in life are meaningless. If you're a good child in Sunday School, get Confirmed, etc, then you should already be considered Saved at that point if you were to die, right? Plenty of those children later stray, however. Would think you could be "saved" again later if you come back and repent, but "once saved, always saved" doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, from a logical standpoint...

 

[Alpha Romeo]

Sorry man...agree with the above. She had other reasons. Time to move on. Strip club for you!

 

[Danoz]

Your religious debate sounds a little nuanced, to me. She may not have left you because of your opinion, it sounds like you guys separated because she hated the fighting. I ducked out of a 2 year relationship because we fought all the time. Take the fighting in your relationship and multiply it by 10, and that's how much you'd have probably fought in your marriage.

Even so, I know the pain of breaking up (even for the person actually doing the breaking up). When I ended it with the girl I had been dating I cried like a 10 year old girl the entire way home... breaking up is hard to do. Actually I remember being broken-up with a little more bearable, because you could climb back to your friends and family and be hurt puppy of a victim that everybody buys shots for while you start to think about the prospect of new love!

 

[apostle83]

that sucks, sorry man. Been through something similiar myself a few years back, and it sucks. No way around that one. In my experience, at least, you're better off trying to make a clean break, at least for a while, rather than keep holding on. Just draws things out, and eventually it gets nasty, because while one side has been done with the relationship for a while, the other really hasn't let go, so there's a whole "second" breakup, and this time, the other side isn't as close to the issue, comes off as cruel, and you feel worse about it. Just my experience.

Another vote for the camp that feels that the religion aspect really wasn't that big a part of it. It's the reason she went with, but partially because it's something you couldn't refute, couldn't promise to change. (Mine was from Michigan, and said she couldn't see herself staying in New England, and didn't want to ask me to move. To show that that wasn't really the issue, she still lives in roughly the same area, 4 years later, so she wasn't in SUCH a big hurry to move, I guess).

In your case, sounds like some doubts, the strain of a long-distance relationship (religion aside, not having sex when you ARE together has to make a long-distance thing even tougher), and her getting ready to move and start another chapter in her life.

The bit with the dog is going to be tough. Makes sense that you get it, since she's continuing school, plus it's your favorite kind of dog, named after your childhood pet, etc. It's going to be tough with him around, though. One more thing to constantly remind you of the ex, and either depress you or make you less excited to see the dog, which isn't fair. Makes it tougher to move on from her, as well. Doesn't sound like she can take him, though, and not fair to the dog to get rid of him, so gotta do the best you can there, I guess.

Just as an aside (and not trying to wreck the thread at all, maybe it can spawn a different thread if it sidetracks too far?), but I don't understand your position on the religious debate, I don't think. You seemed to indicate that once someone is "saved", that they're saved no matter what, and that can't be revoked. Really? I would tend to think that even if you're a perfect Christian, take Jesus into your heart, etc, your salvation would still depend on what happens after. If a good, Saved person snaps after a tragedy and ends up sinning (say, killing another, or themselves, or whatnot), shouldn't that have an effect? If you can choose to walk into the light, can't you choose to leave? I would tend to think it could be revoked, otherwise your actions in life are meaningless. If you're a good child in Sunday School, get Confirmed, etc, then you should already be considered Saved at that point if you were to die, right? Plenty of those children later stray, however. Would think you could be "saved" again later if you come back and repent, but "once saved, always saved" doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, from a logical standpoint...

I believe that you have to make a conscious decision to seperate yourself from the love of God, scout, once you've entered it.

I'm at work now and... I'm not doing so well working.

 

[apostle83]

Your religious debate sounds a little nuanced, to me. She may not have left you because of your opinion, it sounds like you guys separated because she hated the fighting.

But we never FOUGHT! In 15 months, no yelling. No anger. We had disagreements but our passion went into the things that we shared...

No more 1812 Overture with her whispering to me the history of the song. No more trying new restaurants with her. No more walking in the park with her and the dog on Sundays.

I have a little picture frame here at work that has a little dog on it and a picture of her. It says "I love you" at the top.

 

[Deckerd]

Can I just say that marriage is a compromise. All the married (and equivalent) people on this board will agree with what I'm saying here. Living your life with another human being means you have to compromise most of the personal space in your life. If you have problems reconciling yourself to this compromise before you have committed yourself, then my gut feeling is that this was not meant to be. If you are up for it, relishing the challenge, then that is the right person for you.

 

[Danoz]

Your religious debate sounds a little nuanced, to me. She may not have left you because of your opinion, it sounds like you guys separated because she hated the fighting.

But we never FOUGHT! In 15 months, no yelling. No anger. We had disagreements but our passion went into the things that we shared...

No more 1812 Overture with her whispering to me the history of the song. No more trying new restaurants with her. No more walking in the park with her and the dog on Sundays.

I have a little picture frame here at work that has a little dog on it and a picture of her. It says "I love you" at the top.

Nobody here knows the situation as well as you do.

Maybe it's not over? I've had relationships end and come back!

 

[Crusher Disciple]

But we never FOUGHT! In 15 months, no yelling. No anger. We had disagreements but our passion went into the things that we shared...

Speaking from experience, never fighting in a relationship is a symptom that's something's wrong. All couples will disagree, argue and get angry at each other. It's just part of a healthy relationship. If you don't then someone is holding their feelings back and that's keeping the relationship from becoming whole.

 

[apostle83]

But we never FOUGHT! In 15 months, no yelling. No anger. We had disagreements but our passion went into the things that we shared...

Speaking from experience, never fighting in a relationship is a symptom that's something's wrong. All couples will disagree, argue and get angry at each other. It's just part of a healthy relationship. If you don't then someone is holding their feelings back and that's keeping the relationship from becoming whole.

Well, that's the thing. She tended to hold things in and then burst it all out at once. We would then work it out.

When I say fighting, I'm talking yelling, going crazy - you know.

 

[TheBrew]

I'm at work now and... I'm not doing so well working.

Either suck it up and get back to work or stop going to work. Doing work half-heartedly is going to be bad for you and bad for the business. Either get over it or take a vacation.

Hell, go to the shooting range. That might help work out some frustration. Go see your pastor, talk it out with him.

Face the fact that you two obviously didn't love each other enough, or something like this wouldn't break your relationship. This is the most minor of religious quibbles. A stronger relationship would last through this. So either prove me wrong and get back together with her, or move on. Blubbering about it just continues to hurt you and your work.

 

[Mr Awe]

Apostle, we've had our disagreements but I'm sorry about your loss.

I'm not religous so it seems a small reason to break up over. But, it's important to the both of you so I'll definitely grant that it's an important thing to you both. It was probably a mistake for both of you to keep rubbing that one difference in each others' face.

However, if you both generally agree in your religous outlook, get to work in repairing the relationship. If this was the major difference, get over it. Crap, even tell her that you were perhaps too insistent on your point of view. Was this issue worth sacrificing the relationship over?

On the other hand, if this was the tip of the iceberg in terms of your differences, perhaps not.

I wish you the best of luck,
Mr Awe

 

[Mr Awe]

You broke up over "Once saved, always saved?!!"

At least that appears to be her reason. I suspect there's been some sort of warning signs or hints that this has been coming for a while, and he didn't notice the train a coming.

That's probably true, at least judging by the personality he presents on this BBS.

Mr Awe

 

[Crusher Disciple]

But we never FOUGHT! In 15 months, no yelling. No anger. We had disagreements but our passion went into the things that we shared...

Speaking from experience, never fighting in a relationship is a symptom that's something's wrong. All couples will disagree, argue and get angry at each other. It's just part of a healthy relationship. If you don't then someone is holding their feelings back and that's keeping the relationship from becoming whole.

Well, that's the thing. She tended to hold things in and then burst it all out at once. We would then work it out.

When I say fighting, I'm talking yelling, going crazy - you know.

Yeah, sweetie- I know. I was the same; I just held things in and exploded one day. And it was the wrong thing to do. I should've been honest with him about what I wanted and what my feelings were, but I let him run all over me.

I had to be honest with myself and admit that it went way back into childhood when I was told subtly or overtly that I had an obligation to put my needs aside for others.

And I have no idea if that's what's going on with her or not, but I do want to let you know that sometimes when people do stupid things like that there's some longstanding things that make them do that. It's not right, but it's something that they've neglected to deal with and it' s affecting how they interact with other people.

Chin up. After the crying constatntly part, you'll get strong and get past this.

ETA: And I know how much it hurts to lose the relationship you really in your heart thought was "the one." The heartbreak is so intense you don't think you can breathe. But you will get past it, eventually. Don't put yourself on a timetable or tell yourself you "should" or "should not" be feeling any emotion. It's all part of the healing process and it's all for your good.

 

[Scout101]

Yep, that sorta thing doesn't go away quickly. In my case, it was probably the better part of a year before it wasn't a constant thing (I was at the ring-shopping stage myself). And that was with going on a few dates and such. It'll mostly go away eventually, but when you let someone in that deep, they'll always be there. Still have an occasional pang about the old ex, or a random dream with her in it..

 

[doubleohfive]

Speaking from experience, never fighting in a relationship is a symptom that's something's wrong. All couples will disagree, argue and get angry at each other. It's just part of a healthy relationship. If you don't then someone is holding their feelings back and that's keeping the relationship from becoming whole.

Well, that's the thing. She tended to hold things in and then burst it all out at once. We would then work it out.

When I say fighting, I'm talking yelling, going crazy - you know.

Yeah, sweetie- I know. I was the same; I just held things in and exploded one day. And it was the wrong thing to do. I should've been honest with him about what I wanted and what my feelings were, but I let him run all over me.

I had to be honest with myself and admit that it went way back into childhood when I was told subtly or overtly that I had an obligation to put my needs aside for others.

And I have no idea if that's what's going on with her or not, but I do want to let you know that sometimes when people do stupid things like that there's some longstanding things that make them do that. It's not right, but it's something that they've neglected to deal with and it' s affecting how they interact with other people.

Chin up. After the crying constatntly part, you'll get strong and get past this.

ETA: And I know how much it hurts to lose the relationship you really in your heart thought was "the one." The heartbreak is so intense you don't think you can breathe. But you will get past it, eventually. Don't put yourself on a timetable or tell yourself you "should" or "should not" be feeling any emotion. It's all part of the healing process and it's all for your good.

This advice is most intriguing.