DS9 Caption Contest #63: Welcome Aboard!

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Lets go!

First up to the plate, we have the "Take that, Dukat!" Award, going to:

Kira: That's right Dukat, you've just been Occupied by Bajor!

Next, we have the "Well, this will make contract negotiations more interesting" Award, going to:

Am not drinking too much! And since we're being canceled this season, this is what I REALLY think of those @###$$$% studio heads!

Next, we have the "Dang, and they were just 3 days away from Health Benefits" Award, going to:

Martok: "Gentleman. It's time for your quarter annual performance evaluation. Over the course of this informal review process I'll be testing you each on a wide range of--THINK FAST!" {STAB} "You failed."

Next, we have the "Secrets Saving Lives" Award, going to:

Sisko: "What a great surprise! You remembered my birthday is in three weeks!"

Bashir (to self): "Do I have the heart to tell him this is our regular Saturday night drinking party and we finally invited him?"

Odo: "Now, according to this, the character contests are over, at least for the time being. That means Keiko isn't getting one, and I can finally release her from protective custody".

Kira: "Zek and Ishka?"

Odo: "We'll keep them a while longer; they're rather more exploitable when it comes to comedy".

Bashir: Hey captain, guess which one of us will eventually be replaced by a Changeling? Me or the ambassador guy?
Sisko: Um ...
Bashir: Here's a hint, it's a trick question.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

O'Brien: Well, that takes care of all of the witnesses. Lets get the hell outta here!

O'Brien: A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Annoying.

Sisko: The word you were supposed to spell was "Cardassians."

O'Brien: I heard you loud and clear, Sir.

Quark: What are ya gonna do, shoot me?

Odo: Actually...

Eddington: Did I remember to use the stun setting?

Bashir: We parked somewhere over there.

Jake: Next time, I'm driving.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Quark: "Wait! Mimes only make how much per year?! Well, screw this!"

Eddington: "Dammit, now that is your own fault! Do not creep up behind me before I've had my morning coffee!"

 

[bullethead]

Bashir and O'Brien agreed to never play the XCOM holonovel on Classic difficulty with Ironman mode and the command staff as characters after the base assault mission killed everyone but them.

Sisko: Gentlemen, you are all here for a reason. You all participated in a plot to embarrass the Kai... and you failed to embarrassed Kai Winn enough to get rid of her. What do you have to say for yourselves?

Quark: Alright Constable, I'll tell you where I got the jujubes... and the dozens of data rods that I used to distribute all those erotic holonovels involving you and Major Kira.

-Lt. Commander Eddington panicked and took a reaction shot!
-Major Kira is stunned.

Jake and Bashir, on their lonely quest for the Holy Grail, discover a new member just off camera.

 

[shivkala]

O'Brien: Damn it guys, can't I make corned beef and cabbage once a year for St. Patrick's day without everyone making a big fuss.
Bashir: Now, Miles, you heard Commander Sisko, no Irish cooking! Now what say we get a drink at Quark's. He's colored the synthehol green and only increased the price by one bar of gold pressed latinum!

Sisko: They told me I was crazy to even try it, but damn it, it's worth a shot! So thank you all for volunteering for the first annual station-wide production of "Fiddler on the Room." Now, it might be a little difficult, seeing as how none of us are Jewish and, well, half of you are Cardassians, but that's why it's called acting, people!

Quark: Woah, things got out of hand here, really quick. See, one someone suggests that you do that to yourself, Odo, you don't actually have to do it. Though, hold on, let me get my holovid camera, it's not my cup of snail juice, but someone out there just might pay to see this...

Eddington: Okay, Mikey-boy, think, think. You've got to get your story straight. Okay, the Major tried to come on to you and you had to...oh, no one's going to believe that. Alright, um, damn, I thought she was a changeling. Yeah, that might work...oh to Hell with it, I'll just join the Marquis and pretend this was part of my plan all along...

Bashir: I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque!

 

[R. Star]

Thanks for the win!

Bashir: Miles! You killed them all! Why?
O'brien: I hate Doctors.
Bashir: You didn't shoot me.
O'brien: My gun ran out of pow-- let me see your gun for a second Julian.

Sisko: You will all find a phaser under your chair. It will fire one shot, and one shot only, so pick your target carefully. Welcome to Cardassian roulette. I'll be back in an hour to see if any of you are still alive.

Quark: I'm sorry Odo, I just thought you'd be much more attractive as a naked Orion slave girl.

Eddington: Hmm, on second thought maybe I shouldn't have phasered the one person on the station who hates Cardassians as much as we do.

Bashir: Maybe we could ask directions at that gas station over there.
Jake: Actually, I think that's the Q Continuum.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

O'Brien: "Did Heisenberg ever show up?"
Bashir: "Yeah. But he didn't do anything about our compensators. He just mixed a bunch of chemicals together and started them cooking in this big vat."
O'Brien: "Crap! Wrong Heisenberg!"

 

[Bob Karo]

Bashir: MILES!?

O'Brien: They stole me Mum's potato recipe...

 

[Nerys Myk]

O'BRIEN: You simply do not get between an Irishman and his whiskey.

SISKO: I believe Mr O'Brien has something to say. Chief...

O'BRIEN: I'm sorry I called you a spoonhead.

SISKO: And

OBRIEN: You're not all sadistic Neo-fascist thugs.

SISKO: And

O'BRIEN: I never actually saw you swallow a rabbit whole.

QUARK I didn't do it!!!!!

ODO: All I said was hello.

SIDDIG: Come on, it's not like an entire TV production crew could pack and leave without a trace. They've gotta be around here somewhere.

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Bashir: "Wow, this party's really smokin', huh?"

O'Brien: "We're no longer friends."

Sisko: "I have called this meeting of representatives from around the galaxy; Bajor, Cardassia, and Ireland, to address a single critical question: why does everyone in the universe wear these goofy ankle boots?"

Quark: "Jazz hands?"

Eddington: "Sorry, Major, I needed the TV. And seeing as its the 90s and we don't have DVRs in the future yet-"

Jake: "We're lost on a strange alien world-"

Bashir: "Look! An In-N-Out!"

Jake: "-or it could be southern California."

Sisko: You will all find a phaser under your chair. It will fire one shot, and one shot only, so pick your target carefully. Welcome to Cardassian roulette. I'll be back in an hour to see if any of you are still alive.

O'Brien: "You do know that we're all going to shoot Dukat, right?"

Sisko: "Shhh."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Jake: "So...why are we following the mugatu tracks?"
Bashir: "Hmm...now that you mention it, that's not really very smart, is it."

 

[Triskelion]

Sisko: And the Doctor traced the toxin we all ingested to last night's pot luck. Keiko's Blowfish Casserole.

Dukat: Japanese?

O'Brien: Psycho.

No cavity searches from no shapeshifter! Just push me out an airlock!

O'Brien: We met some resistance, Captain. But we managed to put the space kettle on.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

So far, all the captions for the "Cardassians" scene have been fantastic. I don't envy LeadHead choosing a winner there.

Thanks for the win last time, by the way.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Bashir: "Okay, let's go over this. I come back from the vending machine, I've got my can of coke in hand, I find everyone dead, the lab in ruins, and your rifle smoking suspiciously. What do you have to say to this, Miles?"

O'Brien: "I might be a replicant, or experiencing trauma after 20 years in jail. Or else my wife is being held hostage by a pah-wraith and I have to do what it wants".

Bashir: *sigh*. And which of those excuses are we using this time, Miles?".

Sisko: "So, Rugal. You take the blue father and the story ends. You go back to Bajor and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red father and you stay in Cardassia and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes".

Dukat: "It goes deep, kid, believe me".

"Play dead, Major! Eddington can't see you if you don't move!"

Bashir: "The cave set's in that direction, but the matte painting is back the way we came."

Jake: "I knew we shouldn't have left the promenade set".

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Bashir: "The temporal accelerator retrograde dimension interstitial supercompensator console appears to have overloaded."
O'Brien: "Look, you're British, I'm Irish, we both saw the TV show, let's call it a Tardis console, between us two. It'll save time."

Sisko: "So a Bajoran, three Cardassians, and an Irishman walk into a bar..."

everyone scowls

"Wow! Tough crowd."

Kira os: "What did you do to Quark? You just leave him to have free run of your security office?"
Odo: "I had him hypnotised to believe that he's a mime. He's been in an invisible box for the last three weeks."

Eddington: "They told us in security training not to use stun setting 1 on Bajorans... I wonder why..."

ZAPPPP

"Oh... ohh... that's not nice. Oh god. Oh no! I'm so sorry Major! Now I know why Bajoran shock troops go into battle wearing diapers. Yeesh"

Bashir: "Let's try over the next ridge."
Jake: "How can you forget where the Alamo is? This is your holoprogram."

 

[BennyRussel]

Bashir: Don't you think you're overreacting?
O'Brien: When I say "Double Strong Double Sweet", dammit, I mean bloody "Double Strong Double Sweet!"

 

[Thor Damar]

Sisko: 'Gentlemen, I've called you all here today because there has been a murder and you are all suspects ...ah what the hell, we all know that it'll be Dukat.'

[everyone turns and stares at Dukat]

Dukat: 'WHAT! Me? I've never killed anyone, at least not directly'

Pa'dar: 'great Alkeen's ghost but you suck Skrain...'

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Sisko: 'Gentlemen, I've called you all here today because there has been a murder and you are all suspects...'

"Gentleman. There has been a murder. A dead Cardassian from a military/political family. He was found with the words "REMEMBER SETLIK III, DEATH TO ALL SPOONHEADS! PS: THIS FAMILY OF TRAITORS DESTROYED CARDASSIA!" carved into his body with a Bajoran dagger. Now I've had a very long day, gentlemen, and I'm not in the mood for the usual games. Either one of you admits it and explains the scheme or I'm just jailing all of you".

 

[Thor Damar]

Sisko: 'Gentlemen, I've called you all here today because there has been a murder and you are all suspects...'

"Gentleman. There has been a murder. A dead Cardassian from a military/political family. He was found with the words "REMEMBER SETLIK III, DEATH TO ALL SPOONHEADS! PS: THIS FAMILY OF TRAITORS DESTROYED CARDASSIA!" carved into his body with a Bajoran dagger. Now I've had a very long day, gentlemen, and I'm not in the mood for the usual games. Either one of you admits it and explains the scheme or I'm just jailing all of you".

{Sotto voice}'Oh yeah, like you'd never commit any morally ambiguous actions that would result in the deaths or dispossession of various innocent and not so innocent individuals for an alleged higher cause? Oh no not the saintly Benjamin Sisko of Bajor...'

Sisko: {heatedly} 'Okay, who's is the wise guy then?'

{everyone else looks at Sisko with mock innocence}

 

[grabthars hammer]

[

O'Brien: They seem to die and revive repeatedly!
Bashir: Makes sense, actually; judging by their art, they all worship Kenny from South Park.

VO: On the latest episode of Benny Sisko, its time to face the music for one of these Deadbeat Dads and their Angry Kids!

Eddington: Sorry Major... I did set it on 'stun' though; having some redeemable feature raises my odds of becoming a recurring character.

Bashir: Over there, Jake... I think there's some intelligent civilization!
Jake: Looks like North Hollywood.
Bashir: Oh well, lets try another direction...