DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Here)

[LeadHead]

Good evening! Thanks to all for your continued patience! The last week has been a big one!

First up to the plate, we have the "Where everybody knows your name?" Award, going to:

Jake: "Hey, guys! What'd I miss?"
*everyone turns to look at Jake*
Kira: "Who the hell are you?"

Next, we have the "Not so Mint Condition Anymore" Award, going to:

Sisko: "Since we ran out of paper drinking cups, I didn't think you'd mind if I unwrapped a few of the plastic ones in your quarters for tonight's dinner."

Jake: "Well, those were my mint-condition Star Trek Tumblers(R) from Burger King."

Next, we have the "Tell it to Magistrate Joan Rivers" Award, going to:

When Odo joined the fashion police, he didn't have too many slow periods.

Next, we have the "Either that or Odo set his shirt on fire" Award, going to:

So strong was Jake's unrequited love for Kira that his heart exploded with passion...

Next, we have "The Truth Comes Out at Last!" Award, going to:

Jem'hadar First: "My lord Jake oh divine Puppet master, phrase thirty one of the Human agenda nears completion. What is thy bidding my master?"

Jake:"Not in front of the Ferengi you witless cretin! You'll ruin everything. Prepare the mind wiper!"

Next, we have the "Attentive Father" Award, going to:

Sisko: "Jake! My long lost son! I've missed you after all these years! Welcome to DS9!"
(Nog whispers)
Sisko: "He's been here for how long!?"

Our Photoshop Award goes to:

Badass Sisko: "You better release my boy, or there'll be hell to pay."

Sisko: "So, Nog, what do you think of Louisiana-style chocolate covered maggots?"

Thanks again to everyone for your patience! Congrats to our winners! Thanks to all participants! Lets rock!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Bashir: Table for 2, Please. Garak, beat it.

Jem'Hadar: You will dance, or you will die!

Ezri: It happens to a lot of men. Especially Cardassians in exile with no hope of ever going home or being happy ever again.

Garak: Can I request a different Counselor please?

Worf: This is a High Security Area, Captain.

Sisko: Look, Mister Worf, I know Garak can be a concern.

Worf: Please Proceed Garak. Captain, you will have to leave.

Garak: They forget to pay the electric bill again?

 

[Skywalker]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Thanks for the win!

Bashir: "I have a reservation. The name's Bashir."
Maitre d': "Of course, Monsieur Bashir! Ah...it seems your reservation was for two, not three."
*Garak clears his throat, clearly annoyed*
Bashir: "Well, what was I supposed to do, Garak? She insisted on joining us!"

Garak: "Chief, why does Deep Space Nine look so...off-kilter?"
O'Brien: "Oh, sorry about that. Hold on a second."
*O'Brien adjusts the runabout's heading until the station appears horizontal again*
Garak: "That's better. For a moment, you had me thinking that space was three-dimensional!"

 

[AdmiralGarak]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Miatre'd: "Ah, Mr. Bashir. It's the strangest thing. The party seated at your favorite table has inexplicably vanished, and we suddenly have room to seat you."
Bashir: "How odd."
Garak: (whistles non-nonchalantly)

Jem'Hadar: "Keep searching. Nobody leaves here until we've found fossil evidence that we Jem'Hadar evolved from the mighty T-Rex."

Dax: "You think your claustrophobia is bad? Try being a claustrophobic symbiont. Now, that's rough."

Sisko: "Bad news Mister Worf. Morn's sister is getting married."
Worf: "Why is that bad, sir?"
Garak: "Because you're the exact same size as her, and we need someone to wear the wedding dress while I do some alterations."

Nog: "Chief, we're approaching the station at the wrong orientation."
O'Brien: "Are we? Or has the entire universe collapsed to one side and we're the only right-side up people left to fix things?"
Nog: "Oh, no!"
O'Brien: "I blame Q."

(Unintentional bonus- Try reading O'Brien's lines in Zapp Brannigan's voice )

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Dax: "Hey there, sport. Still feeling bad about millions of your people getting senselessly slaughtered by the Dominion? Would an ice cream cone make you feel better?"

 

[Finn]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Kira: He doesn't look anything like that Talaxian Barclay kept talking about.

 

[boco]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Garak(thinking): Don't look at her boobs.. don't look at her boobs..Damn it!

Ezri: C'mon, don't be afraid! a cardassian spy is never afraid! Afterall is just a colonoscopy you must do.. If you want I'll come and I'll hold your hand..
GArak: NO!

Damn, so many hem'jadar on the planet and only one bathroom..

 

[Thor Damar]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

"Sir, are you aware of that rather odd smell accompanying your party."

"Why no I...

(beat)


GARAK!"


"dreadfully sorry my dear doctor. Its a Cardassian thing..."

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

"The expedition out to the old shed commences. We'll be heading across the park green, so I want to see sunscreen. And remember, men, we do not stop for the ice cream stand, we do not stop for the swings and slide, we may stop for the puppet show if it's on today. Did everyone pack their sandwich and juice carton? Then let's go. ...This spider better be as big as you said it was, Garak...".

Garak: "Who would have thought that unscrewing the shower cap in Nog's quarters could have caused so much chaos and woe?"

O'Brien: "Had I known it would blow the fuse on the integrated life support circuit, which in turn collapsed the environmental controls in cargo bay six, which necessitated rerouting power from the forcefield around docking port three, which allowed the shipment of Rigellian cockroaches to chew through the deck plating, which caused reactor fuel to drip onto Quark's stash of Lissepian Fireworks, which set the promenade ablaze, I wouldn't have done it".

Garak: "How many other survivors?"

Nog: "I think this is it".

 

[jespah]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Kira: It's called polyamory. We keep a schedule. But, uh, I still have Sundays free, handsome.

Thanks for the moral support while I kill the jester and his pal.

Next time, Buckaroo, you're gonna hit that home run.

Don't let him in; he doesn't have any ridges.

No, you idiot! North is that way!

 

[Nerys Myk]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

GARAK: (thinking): Don't worry, she's just a beard.

GARAK: What the hell? A quarry? I didn't sign up for some cheapass Doctor Who crap!!!!

 

[Nerys Myk]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

GARAK: They really need to use higher quality string in the FX department.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Bashir (sotto voce to Kira): "If I were about to go out with the back of my head looking like that, you'd tell me, right?"

Dax: "Oooo, nice muscles!"
Garak: "It's not muscle. It's bony exo-skeleton."
Dax: "Gah! Just kill the mood, why doncha!"

Sisko: "Garak wants to know why there are no tanning beds on the station."

 

[DS9 Gal AZ]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Oh, you just know I'm gonna have a field day with this one, don't ya?

Garak: *thinking* I must devise a way to get rid of her! She's a clear rival for my darling Julian's affections!

Garak: *thinking* When I pledged to follow Julian anywhere, I didn't think it meant I'd be dying on some barren wasteland with a Ferengi. *sigh* Ah, but love makes fools of us all ...

Ezri: I'm sorry, Garak, but Julian has chosen me. You just have to let go now.
Garak: And to think all this time I thought it was Kira who my real competition for the dear doctor's heart ....

Garak: Damn it Worf, get out of my way! I've got to stop this wedding!
Worf: Garak, there's nothing you can do. Ezri and Bashir are in love.
Garak: This isn't fair! She's only been on one season! I was coming onto Julian from day one! *sobs*
Sisko: It's gonna be okay, man.

O'Brien: What the bloody hell happened?
Garak: Isn't it obvious? The Babylon 5 people came here, saw how much we ripped off from their show, and decided to retaliate!
John Sheridan (offscreen): Payback's a bitch, motherf***ers! *Maniacal laughter*

 

[Thor Damar]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

O'Brien: "By all the dark and terrible heathen Gods of my Celtic ancestors! What the hell is going on out there!"

Nog:"I don't know chief...senors can't detect anything."

Garak: "Relax gentlemen, we obviously triggered an automated self defense node on Empok Nor. I fact I can see that its adopted the pattered Vesnan maneuver."

O'Brien: "The bloody thing's just listing lazily to the left!"

Garak: "Exactly"

{Long silence}

Bolian Guy: "Thor Damar's not very good at these is he?"

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

O'Brien: Would somebody tell me why the computer won't stop playing The Blue Danube?

 

[Nerys Myk]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

O'BRIEN: Well, piloting is out. Have you thought about engineering?

 

[inflatabledalek]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Kira: Ah, is this handsome young man your date Garak?

Garak: For the last time, I'm not actually gay. You can be a bit camp and not be gay you know, all you're doing is feeding negative stereotypes.

Bashir: Plus, it's Berman era Star Trek, you're only allowed to be gay if you're a dominatrix leather clad evil universe counterpart.

Garak: Right, we're not leaving here till we find those Jem'Hedar.

Garak: The Vulcan nerve pinch... you're doing it wrong.

Worf: Welcome to future zone! Behind this door is a three minute game, automatic lock in...

Garak: I don't think this Crystal Maze remake is going to work.

The effects team hopped desperately no one would notice one of the wires on the model had snapped...

 

[Nerys Myk]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #48: Garak, (Insert Occupation of the Week Her

Bashir: "The Garak-bot is programmed superbly. I downloaded the entire database on vague and elusive conversation into its memory circuits, and it offers non-factual statements at random intervals, often in a vaguely omnisexual manner".

Kira: "Why do we have a Garak-bot again?"

Bashir: "One more malpractice suit and I'm done. As far as the captain knows, he survived".