DS9 Caption Contest #46: QUAAAAAAAAAAARK!

[LeadHead]

Happy Holidays everyone! My apologies for not getting this started earlier in that day. Traditionally on X-Mas I have a big gap of time in the middle of the day, not so much this year.

Lets get things started with the "Nobody Messes with The Sisko" Award, going to:

Sisko: Go Ahead, make my century.

Next, we have the "Gotta see it to believe it" Award, going to:

Once the crew had discovered Spock's face in the comet from the opening credits, they couldn't resist flying a Runabout up his nose.

Next, we have the "Poor Command Decisions" Award, going to:

Bashir: Worf, I really don't think it's wise to play chicken with an asteroid.

Next, we have the "You have been Warned" Award, going to:

O'BRIEN: And if I catch you running that "Fair Haven" holo program again, I'll thump you twice as hard!

Next up we have the "But, he did mean to stare at Nana Visitor, right?" Award, going to:

"No! I never ment to stare at you, Nerys!"

Our Photoshop Award goes to:

Julian: "Hey, what's with the balloons?"
Dax & Kira: "Happy Birthday, Julian!!"

Julian : So......it WAS a pistol in your pocket! But are you still pleased to see me?

Thanks to everyone who participated and congratulations to all of our winners! And now, everyone's favorite Nagus for 5 minutes, Quark!

Off we go!

 

[LeadHead]

Quark: And now, The Quark Variety Hour!

O'Brien: You have me Replicated Beer?!

Quark: Hello, Odo. Welcome to your worst nightmare.

Quark: So Morn what was your first word?

Morn burps.

Quark: Not to judge your piloting skills, but why are we flying at Warp Speed directly toward an asteroid?

 

[Rush Limborg]

Quark: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...it is with greatest pride--and deepest pleasure...that we welcome you tonight! AND NOW, the dining room PROUDLY PRESENTS...

...your dinner.

(Lights dim)

Be. Our. Guest. Be our guest...

Quark: Look, guys--don't shoot the messenger, all right? I don't want any trouble. But...when I said, "We're all out"--I meant, "We're all out!"

Quark: You see, Constable...some of us CAN be in two places at once.

Odo: Or three.

Quark: Or more...

Morn: That's retty...

Quark: ZING! You spoke on camera!

Morn: There's a camera?

Quark: Down there.

Morn: DANGIT!!!

Quark: It's...quite possible this asteroid is not entirely--

Jadzia: Wrong universe, Quark!

Quark: I'm just saying...

Worf: Shut him up, or shut him down.

 

[Nerys Myk]

(Shamelessly stolen from Monty Python)

QUARK:How was it?

BASHIR:Top-hole. Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.

Quark's Universal Translator explodes.

 

[NathanielM]

Quark demonstrates twenty-fourth century DISCO!

Quark is in denial for his unscrupulous pot smoking ways:

Odo: You know you are kinda cute quark:

Quark I got the mistletoe right here, how bout a smooch.

Quark: Here's the plan, we steal Jadzia underpants and we wear them over our clothes....
Morn: And.....

All of a sudden Jadzia felt a strange prodding from behind and realized what Quark was really trying to do.

 

[Nerys Myk]

QUARK:Drinks are on the house!!!!

DAX: Free drinks???

QUARK: Perish the thought! I was pointing out the new bar expansion up stairs!

 

[DS9 Gal AZ]

Worf was suprisingly moved when Quark broke out in a rendition of his favorite Klingon Opera.

Quark: Please, spare me! I swear, I didn't start the rumor about that you and Bashir were lovers - the rumor I started was about the doctor and Garak!

Odo: Oh, so this is what Hell would be like. *sigh* Could it get any worse?
One of the Quarks: Well, if you'll look over there, Kira's busy making out with First Minister Shakkar and forgetting you even exist ...
Odo: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Quark: No Morn! Don't jump! You have so much to live for! Like your unpaid bar tab, for starters ....

Quark: You're not gonna let him kill me, right?
Jadzia: Relax Quark, you're not wearing a red shirt, nothing bad will happen to you. If anything, Worf is the one that has to worry.
Quark: Oh well good then ... hey, wait a second, I thought the redshirt thing was only on TOS!
Jadzia: *sigh* Okay, so you got me Quark, I was just trying to make you feel better. He is going to kill you.

 

[Gary7]

Thanks for the Photoshop pick, Leadhead.

Odo: "Quark, I don't mind you employing robots to assist with the bar, but was it really necessary for them to look like you?"
Quark: "Anything to get under your 'skin', Odo."

Quark: "Seriously, Morn. After all this time, you really think this... this latinum bauble is going to settle your bar tab?"

Worf: "We have arrived. The Grand Anus Nebula."
Dax: "I'd heard of it, but always thought it was just a rumor."
Quark: "It's... it's beautiful!"

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Dax: "You know, Quark, just because the House wins, doesn't mean you actually did anything. You have to earn the flourish".

Odo: "This is your first music video?"

Quark: "The various versions of me strut up to the camera and rap the chorus. There are random closeups of the me back at the dabo table sort of interspersed among it in a jarring way, which kind of matches the beat. Then a rewind where the server me "walks backward" and then forward again. Still rapping".

Odo: "And this is the Ferengi idea of art?"

Quark: "Alas, my Trellian Brandy. I knew it, Morn; a liquor of infinite zest, of most excellent finish; it hath borne me on its rush a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here sat those dregs that I have slurped I know not how oft. Where be your potent presence now?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

QUARK: Staffing the bar with my clones was a mistake.

ODO: Why is that?

QUARK: I don't trust me.

 

[NathanielM]

Quark demonstrates that he is the bastard child of Mary Lou Reton

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Quark: "I know the ad said 'Monday Is Half-Price Night!' But...that really depends on what your definition of 'is' is."

 

[Gary7]

Quark: "Alas, my Trellian Brandy. I knew it, Morn; a liquor of infinite zest, of most excellent finish; it hath borne me on its rush a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here sat those dregs that I have slurped I know not how oft. Where be your potent presence now?"

Seriously profound prose you got going there, DN.

QUARK: Staffing the bar with my clones was a mistake.

ODO: Why is that?

QUARK: I don't trust me.

 

[Ln X]

Quark: And upstairs ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy the holosuites, also featuring the latest must have holoprograms about 'Hollywood'. It's dark, it's tacky, it's sexy and it's for wannabe lobeless idiots-sorry-ahem! People with good taste. So what are you waiting for?

Quark: You can't be serious! Are you really from 20th century earth?
Pilot: Uh huh, we saw some lights in the sky above our Boeing B-29 somewhere in France, next thing we know we got abducted by aliens and we arrived here...
Quark: Right... Do you have money?

It was bad enough for Odo to watch over one Quark, but it sucked up his entire life watching over Quark's clones.

Quark: It's bad Morn, if Odo finds out my involvement in the Yrridian smuggling ring... Well... Either I bribe my way out of this mess and use the bar as collateral, or I get arrested and spend the next fifty years in prison. (a long pause) Aren't you going to say anything Morn?
Morn: (shrugs)

Quark: You know me and I happen to here things about people... You want to know what Worf did on the Enterprise?
Jadzia: Go on...
Quark: He was terrible with the ladies, and there's a simple reason why. From certain knowledgeable sources, I heard he went out with Riker-
Worf: Be quiet you Ferengi Pateq!
Jadzia: Worf is this true?
Worf: Well...
Jadzia: Oh God! My Par'machai is...
Worf: I was just experimenting.
Jadzia: Experimenting... Right...

 

[Thor Damar]

Odo: "Quark, why am I here? I have a lot of work to do."

Quark: "My dear constable, I just had to show you my latest business idea, its genius! {smiles widely} You see after undertaking a beneficial trading expedition to the Gamma quadrant I was able to purchase, through some very brilliant business acumen..."

Odo: {interrupting} "Ha!"

Quark: "A very valuable item indeed.A Vorta cloning vat! Which I have now used to clone myself and thus replace my old staff with...me!"

Odo: "And you see no problem with this?"

Quark:"what's not to love? I can cut wages and make them work longer hours and they can't do squat since we all know that clones are inherently less intelligent than the original and..."

{Quark is cut off mid sentence by the arrival of QuarkA}

QuarkA: "Actually I've just come to tell you that we've brought you out."

Quark: "WHAT!"

QuarkA: "yep, since we're all shareholders in Quark Enterprises we held a board meeting and decided that the best way to increase profits is to cut overhead by deceasing wages and diversifying the brand. To that end as the highest paid member of the staff...you're fired!"

Quark: "what about rule of Acquisition 33, 'always suck up to the boss'?"

QuarkA: "You're not the boss, you're us. And the rule clearly states 'it never hurts to suck up to the boss'. So since we have the majority share and the entrepreneurial drive to take this business to the top of the market, out you go...

its just good business."

Quark: "how dare you..I...I"

Odo: {with a big grin on his face} You just got outQuarked.
{walks of chucking loudly}


Quark: "I hate Ferengi!"

"Ladies and gentlemen..Mr Conway Twitty!"

 

[Isis]

Quark: "Welcome. Tonight we have a really big shoe."

Jadzia: "Exactly who'll be performing, Quark?"

Worf: "Yes, who's performing?"

Quark: "What do you mean, 'performing'? I'm just trying to find out who left their shoe here last night. Anyone wear a Size 22 Triple F?"

 

[Mistral]

Quark: "Relax, people-I don't have a case of Jazz Hands. Its just a single jazz hand and that's not contagious!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

[/QUOTE] Quarks revival of "Springtime for Hitler" met with mixed reviews,

 

[DS9 Gal AZ]

Jadzia: Quark, are you sure those star charts you sold us to get back home are accurate?
Quark: Of course I'm sure, why?
Jadzia: Because that does not look like Deep Space Nine.
Worf: They're hailing us.
Ivanova, over com: Babylon 5 to unidentified vessel ...
Quark: Aw crap.

I had to do one more!

 

[LeadHead]

Quark: And now, we have stairs to the upper level!

Dax: Those were there before.

Quark: Yeah but we finally bolted them to something.