DS9 Caption Contest #19: Gift Giving

[LeadHead]

Welcome back to the Promenade kids, time for a new caption contest!

Lets get to our winners!

First, The "Beginning of The Badass Sisko" Award goes to:

Sisko: "Put it down now, or so help me, I'll shave my head, grow a chin beard, and bitch slap your pansy ass all 'round this here station."

Next, the "Fix it yourself or The Incredible O'Brien will attack" Award goes to:

O'Brien (thinking to himself) : "Chief, the replicators are down again, Chief, the transporter isn't working, Chief, when are you going to fix that docking port?"

(Aloud) "Computer, lock phasers and prepare to fire!"

Next, the "Creative uses for Shapeshifting" Award goes to:

Sisko os: "Major, have you seen the Constable?"

Kira: "... mmm, huh? What was that?"

Sisko: "Constable Odo?"

Kira: "No, not at all today."

...

...

...

Kira's uniform: "Think he suspects?"

Kira: "No, and shut up and get back to what you were doing."

Next, "Be careful what you say around married women" Award goes to:

O'Brien: "Listen, you oomox freak, Keiko may not know that a Ferengi discussing earrings is the same as a human discussing sex toys, but I do! Don't let it happen again!"

Next, the "Pay attention or you'll miss the good parts" Award goes to:

Bashir: "Zzz"
Dax: "So there we were in our panties, when out of nowhere Leeta smacks me with her pillow..."
Bashir: "Zz... Wait, what?"
Dax: "I was telling Kira about the latest trends in trans-neutrino flux warp routing...."
Bashir: "Zzz"
Dax: "So then in comes that Troi-woman from the Enterprise and she's absolutely covered in whipped cream..."

There were a lot of great Photoshops this week, but two of them I liked too much to decide between them, so double Photoshop winners!

Miles: The asteroid from the opening credits!!!! Evasive maneuvers!

And...

Congratulations to all of our winners!

Now, since this one is trying to be holiday themed, I'm planning on having it go for just one week. Possibly to be concluded on the 25th, depending on how busy the holiday ends up being.

Happy Holidays to all!

 

[LeadHead]

Bashir: What is it?

Garak: The Isolinear rod I borrowed from you two years ago. Happy holidays!

Odo: To Odo, From Quark. How thoughtful!

Opens gift

Odo: It's evidence against 3 criminals!

Quark: They didn't cut me in, thought might as well kill 2 birds with one stone.

Sisko: A picture of you and me Jake? Wow, guess writing really isn't making you any money.

Quark: I'll give the bat'leth back to you on the condition that you do NOT kill me with it.

Worf: Captain-

Sisko: I wanted to thank you for this, I love it!

Worf: Do you know what it is?

Sisko: Nope.

Worf: Me either. The dollar store is just great isn't it?

Odo: I may cry, this is so touching. Morn getting alone with Klingons.

Morn punches Klingon, knocking him out cold.

Odo: Morn, how would you feel about becoming a deputy?

 

[Nerys Myk]

BASHIR: But I didn't get you anything.

GARAK: Don't worry, I have a good idea what your "gift" to me can be.

ODO: What is it?

QUARK: No idea. That's why I'm re-gifting it.

SISKO: What the hell is a "nook"?

QUARK: So, what's this worth on e-bay?

WORF: Sir....

SISKO: Quiet, playing Bajoran Simon is hard!

ODO: Come on guys, I'm the bloody Constable! Show some respect! At least wait till my back is turned before you conduct an illegal transaction!

 

[AdmiralGarak]

Bashir: "Thank you for the... umm... single unwrapped Slim Jim."
Garak: "No, thank you for the all expenses paid trip to Risa."

After losing the staring contest one hundred forty-two straight times, Sisko was certain that this time Willie Mays would blink first.

Quark's bat'leth fighting stance left some room for improvement.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Quark: The lady of the lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft EXCALIBUR from the bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Quark, son of Keldar, was to carry her to you and enoble your house. THAT is why you must marry me.
Grilka: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a lifelong committment, you deranged p'taq!

Sisko: ...damn! Sniped again. Who is this 'BigLobes', and why is he so determined to deny me my Buck Bokai playing card?
Quark, OS: Say, Sisko, I might have a business proposition for you --

Bashir: A holoprogram?
Garak: One I thought you'd enjoy, my good doctor -- set during the Peloponnesian Wars.
Bashir: ..excellent! Miles and I will give it a try tomorrow night.
Garak: Oh, I doubt Mrs. O'Brien would approve. In fact, I thought you and I might...explore Spartan culture together.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the win.

Bashir: "Thanks for the program, Garak. But, there was no need for a ribbon."
Garak: "What ribbon?"
Bashir: "The ribbon bow that you wrapped it with."
Garak: "There is no ribbon bow."
Bashir: "Garak, there is clearly a ribbon."
Garak: "You are mistaken Doctor, there is no ribbon."
Bashir: "There is a ribbon, Garak."
Garak: "I must insist, Doctor. There is no ribbon. Perhaps you wish to discuss this further."
Bashir: "Will you cut it out with your stupid Cardassian interrogation techniques?!"
Garak: "I have to stay in practice."

 

[ares93]

Bashir: What is it?
Garak: I heard that your computer crashed and you want to save you medical files. If anything goes wrong you can just plug this and everything will work again. We used it in the Obsidian Order.
Bashir: Really?
Garak: Really. Its running Windows Vista.

Odo: Is this ticking?
Quark: *shakes head* No, of course not. Why would it?

Sisko: Driver_IRQL_not_less_or_equal? O'BRIEN!!!!!!!

Sisko: Not now, Worf. My bajoran sun clock is running late...

 

[Gul Re'jal]

Thanks for the win.

Bashir: "Thanks for the program, Garak. But, there was no need for a ribbon."
Garak: "What ribbon?"
Bashir: "The ribbon bow that you wrapped it with."
Garak: "There is no ribbon bow."
Bashir: "Garak, there is clearly a ribbon."
Garak: "You are mistaken Doctor, there is no ribbon."
Bashir: "There is a ribbon, Garak."
Garak: "I must insist, Doctor. There is no ribbon. Perhaps you wish to discuss this further."
Bashir: "Will you cut it out with your stupid Cardassian interrogation techniques?!"
Garak: "I have to stay in practice."

There is no ribbon, there are FOUR LIGHTS!

 

[Finn]

From a lost episode where the Defiant travelled back the mid 20th Century in a transporter mishap...

Jake: I bought this 1951 Jackie Robinson card
at the auction. He looks just like you. Who knew, Dad?

Sisko: *under his breath* "Crap...first Gabriel Bell. Now him. They are gonna kill me...."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Thanks for the win!

Bashir: Oh, thanks! That's so thoughtful! It's a...it's a...what the hell is it?"

Odo: "Ah, Quark! Glad I ran into you! I thought you might like to buy this used basic digital recorder for 6,500 bars of gold-pressed latinum."
Quark: "What!?"
Odo: "Yeah, it's practically brand new! It's only been used once...to record conversations in your private office for the last two months."
Quark: "*sigh* Will you take a check?"

Sisko: "Whaaa?! Dammit, Mott, I said a little off the top and over the ears! No wonder they kicked your ass off the Enterprise!"

Quark: "Six months of bat'leth training! What do you think?"
Klingon: "Your grip still needs a lot of work."

Klingon: "I am here to defend my wife's honor! Are you Morn, the one they say is hung like a Gorn?"

 

[Thor Damar]

Doctor Bashir (for it is he): "Thanks for the gift Garak, (Laughing) am I supposed to eat this one as well?

Garaksmiling politely) "Not exactly, my dear doctor..."

(the good doctor gives his Cardassian friend what is known as an 'old fashioned' look)

"Good evening,thank you for shopping at Drex's luxury emporium!" (Hands bag to Morn)
"And have a nice death sir."

Quark: "Look, no hands!"

Klingon: "It'll be no head in a minute you lousy barkeep!"

Quark (laughing): "Ah, you drunks and your jokes..."

Klingon: "Who's joking?"

Quark: (gulping nervously): "Oh boy..."

 

[AdmiralGarak]

Odo: "A gift. How uncharacteristically thoughtful, Quark. You shouldn't have."
Quark: "No, YOU shouldn't have. HEY EVERYONE, LOOK! ODO'S TAKING BRIBES! ARREST HIM! TAKE AWAY HIS BADGE!"

Klingon: "At last, the Sword of Kahless has been ret... This is not the Sword of Kahless!"
Quark: "Oh... err... Gasp! It's not?"
Klingon: "And what's this receipt here? What is a 'pawn shop', Ferengi?"

Worf: "What is it, sir?"
Sisko: "I don't know, but check out this cool glowing egg it just laid."

 

[LeadHead]

Worf: Sir, I think I should be above Kira in the Command Structure of the Defiant.

Sisko: (not listening) Fine, Sure.

Worf: And I think I should get better quarters than the rest of the crew.

Sisko: Sure, no problem.

Worf: Also, I'm the one who wrote "I love Football" on your Baseball bat.

Sisko: Would you let me finish this already?!

 

[Vassa]

Odo: Still pulling that "Mint condition PS1" scam I see, Quark.

 

[DS9 Gal AZ]

Bashir: Damn! You know that DS9 Gal AZ is going to have field day captioning this one! Just you wait, there's going to be some kind of sexual innuendo about the two of us...
Garak: Um, I just gave you a phallic symbol wrapped in a bow. Isn't the sexual innuendo already there? I don't think she even has to try...

Odo: What is it?
Quark: A Christmas present.
Odo: *blank look*
Quark: You know, Christmas. It's a human religious holiday which commemorates -
Odo: Shh, Quark! Humans don't have religion in this century!
Quark: *confused* They don't?
Odo: Not according to the writers.
Quark: But what about that time Kasidy Yates mentioned wanting to be married by a Minister -
Odo: Shh, stop! *blocks ears* La la la not listening!

Sisko: You know, looking at this old picture of myself pre-goatee and shaved head, I'm starting to realize why Major Kira was constantly challenging my authority early on. This guy looks like a total wuss!

Grilka: What is it?
Quark: A Christmas present.
Grilka: *blank look*
Quark: You know, Christmas. It's a human religious holiday which commemorates -
Grilka: Shh, Quark! Humans don't have religion in this century!
Quark: Not again ...

Worf: What is it?
Sisko: *sharply* It's a clock. *suddenly* Give me a phaser! I'll get rid of Kira!
Worf: What?!
Sisko: Oh sorry, I was having a flashback to a season 1 episode. You wouldn't remember, you weren't even here yet.

Klingon: Here, Morn, it's a Christmas present.
Morn: *blank look*
Klingon: You know, Christmas. It's a human religious holiday which commemorates -
Odo: Shh! Humans don't have religion in this - yeesh, this is getting old...

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Sisko: "It's some kind of exotic alien timepiece. But...I can't figure out how to make it stop flashing '12:00'!"

 

[Isis]

Bashir: "Thank you, Garak, it's lovely."

<brief pause>

Bashir (to self): "Between this one and the one my 2-year-old nephew made in daycare, I now have two of these."

Odo: "Happy holidays, Quark."

Quark (to self): "Just don't let it be that hew-mahn abomination, a regifted fruitcake."

Morn: "So you're sure this 'coal' that Quark gave me is one of the most sought-after Christmas presents?"

 

[Velocity]

Bashir: So you didn't like the drink I invented, Garak, but did you have to break my little umbrella?
Garak: I have "heard" that the Obsidian order has killed men with little umbrellas. You are getting off easy.

 

[alte]

Re: DS9 Caption Contest #19: Drag Giving

 

[tharpdevenport]

Bashier: "pleasedon'tbeblue, pleasedon'tbeblue, pleasedon'tbeblue ... fuck. Jadzia's pregnant."

Garak: "With a baby, right?"

Bashier: "Of course, don't be silly, what el ... do Trill lay eggs in their hosts?"

Garak: "Hum. I think this may call for a sudden and untimely death."

Odo: "Thank you, Quark -- I thought for sure you'd not get me anything for Christmas. What is it?"

Quark: "A Latinum GoldCard scanner; your tabs due."