Thank you, LaxScrutiny.
Do open relationships work?
- Thread starter Joe Washington
- Start date
Interesting... I've known a number of couples who have tried open relationships, none have been successful. But I did refer to the relationship that I was forced to watch play out in person for an extended period.
And LaxScrutiny, what is sufficient data? By that standard, no one has sufficient data. All we have are our personal experiences. The first two questions (Does such relationships work? Do you know of any successful ones?) weren't limited to successful ones, and I didn't even attempt to answer the final question (How do they work exactly?) as I've never seen one work.
If you guys aren't going to be happy with honest answers, don't ask the questions.
And stop attacking the messenger if you don't like the message. I've been attacked a lot in this thread for giving an honest answer... including having my honest and open (discussing my personal life in public) answer being characterized as not being honest and open.
And Joe, you're welcome for my time in giving you an honest answer. Sorry you weren't looking for that.
By the way... are you the one asking for the open relationship? Just curious.
I'm asking these questions because I'm doing research for this story idea of mine. After the couple gets back together following a break, I'm wondering if they should have an open or semi-open relationship like Brian and Justin from Queer as Folk to add some spice to their dynamic to keep their relationship from becoming something boring and dead in the water. What do you guys think?
It will definitely do that!
In my experiences, it is never boring and there is tons of drama.
This story relationship is getting less and less realistic. Cancer, abuse, and an open relationship is not exactly an average run for a couple.
Out of curiosity for anyone who wants to answer what do you mean when you say you have an open relationship? This could mean several things.
You swing? Your extra-marital activity is a group affair where you go to orgies or invite other people or couples to join you. You never have extra-marital sex without your partner present though.
You're not monogamous? You can go to professionals or have one-night stands, but nothing lasting or emotional.
You're polygamous? You actually have deep intimate relationships with others. You have a regular sexual partner you care a lot about and see regularly.
And are your friends, family, or children aware of your chosen lifestyle?
You swing? Your extra-marital activity is a group affair where you go to orgies or invite other people or couples to join you. You never have extra-marital sex without your partner present though.
You're not monogamous? You can go to professionals or have one-night stands, but nothing lasting or emotional.
You're polygamous? You actually have deep intimate relationships with others. You have a regular sexual partner you care a lot about and see regularly.
And are your friends, family, or children aware of your chosen lifestyle?
I doubt this -- at least no different than are the "rules" between non-Trekkie guys and girls.
Besides, the guy I was with was the one who provided the DVD's!
And speaking of pigeonholing.
Maybe not one person forever, as such, but one person at a time does not seem so unusual. (Although, bigdaddy, you did just say that it's not for everyone. So which is it?)
What the hell is this, Brave New World? Free love gone mad? Everyone belongs to everyone?
Then it looks like you're still missing my point. If you value emotional intimacy over sexual intimacy, why don't you demand emotional exclusivity along with sexual exclusivity?^ No.
Nobody belongs to anyone; people aren't machines. What do you mean by "Free love gone mad?" You think there should be limits on love?What the hell is this, Brave New World? Free love gone mad? Everyone belongs to everyone?
^ 
I just don't think it's unhealthy for some people, such as myself, to only want one sexual partner at a time.
I just don't think it's unhealthy for some people, such as myself, to only want one sexual partner at a time.
Gep has it exactly right. The problem with this issue is that, because of religious history and widespread insecurity, most people put sexuality in a separate category where the normal rules of Human relationships do not apply. In every other area of life, most people have multiple "partners," and derive some kind of happiness or gratification from them, each in a unique way. And, certainly, there are common jealousies in these relationships, but seldom does anybody expect a friendship to be exclusive in the way of a sexual or romantic relationship.
I wasn't talking about friends. Obviously both partners should have friends. Just not necessarily fucking those friends. To not be into that sort of thing, is not necessarily unhealthy.
Put it another way: If by 'closed' you mean, two people see only each other and never interact with anyone else and have no friends or anything like that, then I agree, that's not healthy.
But if by 'closed' you simply mean that two people only date/fuck/marry (or any combination of those
Look at it this way: You are freaked out by the thought of your girlfriend or wife having another sexual partner, but suppose she had a close friendship with someone she's known since childhood? How would you feel knowing that you can never share the same kind of emotional intimacy with her or that she might seek a kind of support from this person that she wouldn't seek from you? Would it make a difference if that person were female or male?
This is all very interesting conversation. I think the definitions in these relationships cause a bit of a conundrum from the get go.
Say you enter into a relationship with a person and then you tell a coworker that you are now an 'item.' When you introduce each other, you even say, "This is my girlfriend, Paratpara." You have just defined an exclusive relationship. You are the core, you set the parameters around you two, even if you and your partner have multiple friends, lovers, pets, bedbugs, etc. at the end of the day, as the country song goes, "She's Going Home with Me." There is a center relationship. Unless it's a type of commune.
Now based on this, it seems, you would deepen in your emotional love and intimacy with that one person as time passes and trials come and go. This does not mean you can't have deep and loving relationships otherwise, but all relationships must grow and become stronger if they are to survive any significant amount of time. Can equal intimacy be built in this poly-doohicky world?
However, the broader idea seems to be gaining in popularity because of the positive spin on polyamorous relationships. Jealousy and possessiveness are not hidden, but communicated about and accepted as just part of the lifestyle to work with.
Still, I would think the stumbling block would be the make-up of humans in relation to bonding...neurological and physical, and all the blah blah blah about oxytocin, etc.
I knew a couple that was "open" in college (university professors and artists. They were swingers-- a bit older). They were both exceptionally liberal about everything. I imagine they both subscribed to a belief that sexuality can be detached from emotional interest and started a relationship that stressed sexual freedom from the beginning. They certainly seemed happy enough!
It's definitely not for me... I don't care for casual intimacy. I'm also the jealous type
.
It's definitely not for me... I don't care for casual intimacy. I'm also the jealous type
.
Perhaps not average, but certainly possible, considering all those things went on with my wife and me.
I'm not shy about the fact that I'm in an open relationship. My wife and I have been together for 12 years, and I'm 28, so you can do the math there. We've gone through a lot, but we're still together, and the open relationship thing still works for us.
I'm in a monogamous relation with my wife of 25 years. I have no issues with those in other relationships, if it works for them who am I to judge.
That said, I'm not sure I would have an issue with an open relationship. Sexual release need not be linked to a deep emotional relationship. Can I say this for sure? No, I have never had to face the reality of such a situation. I can only guess what my reaction would be.
That said, I'm not sure I would have an issue with an open relationship. Sexual release need not be linked to a deep emotional relationship. Can I say this for sure? No, I have never had to face the reality of such a situation. I can only guess what my reaction would be.
Rarely in the long run.
Open relationships are mostly code for one side wanting to fuck around and the other being too afraid of losing them or just simply ending the relationship so they play along.
As soon as one side really has sex with others (and to make it worse maybe in front of the partner while in a swinger club for example) deep wounds appear which may never heal.
Open relationships are mostly code for one side wanting to fuck around and the other being too afraid of losing them or just simply ending the relationship so they play along.
As soon as one side really has sex with others (and to make it worse maybe in front of the partner while in a swinger club for example) deep wounds appear which may never heal.
I would think that would be the case for those who go into open relationships for the wrong reasons, not for everyone who are involved in that kind of relationship.
I've still been working on this issue a lot since the last thread on the general topic some months ago.
My situation is more of a poly one, there is nothing promiscuous, or non-emotional, about it, and there is only 3 people in total. All live separately. I am the new person. It's less than a year in at this point.
These days I am more and more grateful for the honest challenge of it all. Grateful that it is all rooted in love, which makes it clear, if not necessarily easy. There have been difficult junctures to be sure, and it is hard to say what the future will look like. This is a kind of blessing also. A purification of intent. Eliminating false pretense. Truly walking into this thing that is love, and letting it breathe.
As an animal, male being, yes. I would like to be the only lover. I understand this where others are saying likewise. Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. Or is it the other way around? Male birds toss others' eggs from the nest. Male lions kill others' cubs. We have this within us and it should be acknowledged, as positively as possible, because it's not going away. As an emotional being, the stretching is difficult.
But there is a truth in it all that I am thankful for. An unexpected alchemy. The challenges are very difficult, but still seem small when considering finding a truly deep, resounding, 100% real soul-love vibration. There's just nothing like it. May everyone be so blessed as to experience such a love-bomb. These were just the circumstances in which I found her.
I appreciate RJDiogenes' words.
Demands a high level of self-honesty as well.
One can't be developing a Jesus Complex. Have to own one's choices, and walk in strength.
I'm about the love. The mystical, spiritual, physical, mental, journey of love in one's life. The healing and the medicine of it. There are no set parameters, but it has to be free to be real. We are children of the Universe and a main component of why we are here is to learn about love. Maybe your journey in this life is the long monogamy, kids and grandkids. My journey seems different, but I know it in my heart, and must walk it, as long and as far as it seems right to do so. This is essentially no different from what anyone else does. To turn from such a gift would be like denying sunlight to a tree. To stay in a relationship with bad energy would be to do likewise, and yet many would falsely call that "success".
Glory, glory
Hallellujiah
Since I laid my burden down
My situation is more of a poly one, there is nothing promiscuous, or non-emotional, about it, and there is only 3 people in total. All live separately. I am the new person. It's less than a year in at this point.
These days I am more and more grateful for the honest challenge of it all. Grateful that it is all rooted in love, which makes it clear, if not necessarily easy. There have been difficult junctures to be sure, and it is hard to say what the future will look like. This is a kind of blessing also. A purification of intent. Eliminating false pretense. Truly walking into this thing that is love, and letting it breathe.
As an animal, male being, yes. I would like to be the only lover. I understand this where others are saying likewise. Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. Or is it the other way around? Male birds toss others' eggs from the nest. Male lions kill others' cubs. We have this within us and it should be acknowledged, as positively as possible, because it's not going away. As an emotional being, the stretching is difficult.
But there is a truth in it all that I am thankful for. An unexpected alchemy. The challenges are very difficult, but still seem small when considering finding a truly deep, resounding, 100% real soul-love vibration. There's just nothing like it. May everyone be so blessed as to experience such a love-bomb. These were just the circumstances in which I found her.
I appreciate RJDiogenes' words.
Demands a high level of self-honesty as well.
One can't be developing a Jesus Complex. Have to own one's choices, and walk in strength.
I'm about the love. The mystical, spiritual, physical, mental, journey of love in one's life. The healing and the medicine of it. There are no set parameters, but it has to be free to be real. We are children of the Universe and a main component of why we are here is to learn about love. Maybe your journey in this life is the long monogamy, kids and grandkids. My journey seems different, but I know it in my heart, and must walk it, as long and as far as it seems right to do so. This is essentially no different from what anyone else does. To turn from such a gift would be like denying sunlight to a tree. To stay in a relationship with bad energy would be to do likewise, and yet many would falsely call that "success".
Glory, glory
Hallellujiah
Since I laid my burden down
I doubt this -- at least no different than are the "rules" between non-Trekkie guys and girls.
Besides, the guy I was with was the one who provided the DVD's!
Exactly. No matter who you are, you have to deal with issues of compatibility. I surely hope that Trek doesn't define someone as a person. There's a lot of different aspects to liking someone.
As for the guy providing the DVD's, sounds like a fair trade to me
