Do open relationships work?

[Venardhi]

It doesn't work for me and, in about 90% of the cases I've seen, it doesn't work for many. Often the term 'open relationship' is used to mean "I can cheat on you." by one or the other. Often that same person will be the one applying arbitrary rules to the other person (a man saying that his girlfriend can only be with other girls, not other guys) that the first person doesn't have to(or intend to) follow. They usually involve a lot of deceit, if not outright lying, and someone usually ends up hurt in the end (often, it is a third person who was being led on).

As I see it: if you can't be satisfied by the person you're in love with, then fucking someone else probably isn't going to solve your relationship ills.

I have seen it work, short term, for some people though. It needs to be on completely equal footing, and the third parties need to be chosen for their compatibility with the entire situation, not just how well they'll fit against someone's naughty bits. As soon as one part of a couple is lying to or manipulating the other in any way, the entire thing is going to either become extremely unhealthy or fall apart entirely. The 'significant other' needs to come well before the secondary and tertiary others, otherwise why would you even consider it anything more than dating?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

All relationships are open; it's just a matter of degree. A closed relationship is not healthy.

Explain.

If you're saying it's not healthy for someone to only want to be with one person at a time? I'd have to disagree vehemently.

 

[Gepard]

I think RJ's point is that, for example, married couples have friends and social lives outside the influence of their partner. Some of those friendships are going to be casual, but others can be very close. One can argue that people in open marriages just carry it further than most.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I think RJ's point is that, for example, married couples have friends and social lives outside the influence of their partner. Some of those friendships are going to be casual, but others can be very close. One can argue that people in open marriages just carry it further than most.

I wasn't talking about friends. Obviously both partners should have friends. Just not necessarily fucking those friends. To not be into that sort of thing, is not necessarily unhealthy.

Put it another way: If by 'closed' you mean, two people see only each other and never interact with anyone else and have no friends or anything like that, then I agree, that's not healthy.

But if by 'closed' you simply mean that two people only date/fuck/marry (or any combination of those ) each other, yet still have normal friendships outside that circle, then I disagree with you. As casual as society is demanding that we be nowadays, I still think it's not unreasonable to only want to be with one person at a time, if you choose to do so. Why are we so tolerant of everything but that?

 

[Ood Sigma]

I'll refrain from getting into the details this time, but I'll just say that I'm in one and have been for nearly 2 years. Sometimes it's not easy, sometimes it is, but it can work if you want it to.

And based on the myriad responses I've seen, I'd say there's no one way that they "work". I'm sure it's different in every case.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ Exactly. You are in such a relationship, and I'm guessing that it's working for you. That's totally fine. But I'm also guessing that you would NOT claim that anyone who is not in such a relationship is "unhealthy". Would you?

 

[Ood Sigma]

^ Exactly. You are in such a relationship, and I'm guessing that it's working for you. That's totally fine. But I'm also guessing that you would NOT claim that anyone who is not in such a relationship is "unhealthy". Would you?

Certainly not. I think it's a rare thing for it to even have a chance of working. Most people are too jealous. Some may not be jealous but just find it to be a logistical or financial nightmare.

Having said that, at one point I was certain that it would not work for me. And it has... so never say never.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I don't know if I'd call it jealousy, but I suppose it is that. If I was in a relationship with two women, what if they each accuse me of loving the other more? Or, conversely, if I and another guy are both dating the same woman, how do I know she doesn't love him more than me? Those are why I can't do this. I don't think I should be forced to share, and I would never want to BE shared. That's not unhealthy, it's just what I'm used to. It's what I am equipped to handle.

 

[Rii]

My father is pathologically incapable of a monogamous relationship. No judgement on that per se, it's merely unfortunate that he produced two children by two marriages before figuring it out. Of the innumerable - and, from my perspective, largely interchangeable - women he's been with involved with since, I only know of one that was certainly an open relationship. That didn't work out either, but I wouldn't necessarily put that down to the fact that it was an open relationship. In fact I suspect the issue there was of an entirely different nature.

I'm not longer in a position where I'm forced to be - however peripherally - involved with such matters, but I'd certainly prefer that all of my father's future relationships follow a similar model, rather than the deceit and heartbreak which is the inevitable alternative.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I guess that any relationship could theoretically work, as long as there's trust and communication between EVERYONE involved. As long as they all know what is and is not allowed, within the parameters of that relationship, and don't violate those guidelines.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I think RJ's point is that, for example, married couples have friends and social lives outside the influence of their partner. Some of those friendships are going to be casual, but others can be very close. One can argue that people in open marriages just carry it further than most.

I wasn't talking about friends. Obviously both partners should have friends. Just not necessarily fucking those friends. To not be into that sort of thing, is not necessarily unhealthy.

Put it another way: If by 'closed' you mean, two people see only each other and never interact with anyone else and have no friends or anything like that, then I agree, that's not healthy.

But if by 'closed' you simply mean that two people only date/fuck/marry (or any combination of those ) each other, yet still have normal friendships outside that circle, then I disagree with you. As casual as society is demanding that we be nowadays, I still think it's not unreasonable to only want to be with one person at a time, if you choose to do so. Why are we so tolerant of everything but that?

Gep has it exactly right. The problem with this issue is that, because of religious history and widespread insecurity, most people put sexuality in a separate category where the normal rules of Human relationships do not apply. In every other area of life, most people have multiple "partners," and derive some kind of happiness or gratification from them, each in a unique way. And, certainly, there are common jealousies in these relationships, but seldom does anybody expect a friendship to be exclusive in the way of a sexual or romantic relationship.

Look at it this way: You are freaked out by the thought of your girlfriend or wife having another sexual partner, but suppose she had a close friendship with someone she's known since childhood? How would you feel knowing that you can never share the same kind of emotional intimacy with her or that she might seek a kind of support from this person that she wouldn't seek from you? Would it make a difference if that person were female or male?

 

[iguana_tonante]

From what I can tell, it works best for those who shouldn't be in relationships to begin with. Or who consider the person they are with good enough for now. Odds are if the person you are with is asking for an open relationship, what they are really saying is that they're just waiting for something better to happen along.

If you don't mind being the fall back person who could be discarded at any time... or have a low opinion of the person you are with and consider them expendable, then it might be a good fit.

Isn't it lovely when people go all judgmental and patronizing in the same post?

^I lost my virginity with The Next Generation on TV in the background -- Tekkies can get laid just fine!

I couldn't agree more.

 

[Guartho]

^I lost my virginity with The Next Generation on TV in the background -- Tekkies can get laid just fine!

There are different rules for Trekkie girls.

 

[MNM]

Isn't it lovely when people go all judgmental and patronizing in the same post?

How is it either judgemental or patronising for someone to say they think most people in "open relationships" are only in them because they dont want to or cant commit to one person at a time? If they could, they wouldnt want to be in an open relationship would they?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

You are freaked out by the thought of your girlfriend or wife having another sexual partner

Yeah, I would be. Why shouldn't I?

, but suppose she had a close friendship with someone she's known since childhood? How would you feel knowing that you can never share the same kind of emotional intimacy with her or that she might seek a kind of support from this person that she wouldn't seek from you? Would it make a difference if that person were female or male?

Well, she has the right to have whatever friends she wants. If she's not fucking them behind my back, I'll call it even.

 

[Joe Washington]

I think there are some people who are in open relationships not because they can't commit, but because they have sexual appetites that can't be satisfied by a single partner. The two in the relationship love to each other which gives them an emotional connection unlike the people they sleep which they only share casual sexual connections with.

Like iguana tonante, I am amzed how people are being so ridiculous on this subject. All I'm looking for honest, open-minded answers. That's all.

 

[Shaw]

Like iguana tonante, I am amzed how people are being so ridiculous on this subject. All I'm looking for honest, open-minded answers. That's all.

Actually... you aren't.

Honest answers would include a wide variety of responses, not just the ones you were hoping for.

You are free to disregard those responses you wish to, but it is disingenuous to characterize them as not being honest.

Of course it would have been nice if you were honest with us... by specifically asking for only positive experiences and opinions of open relationships. But you asked in the title of this thread Do open relationships work? And I could not have given you a more honest answer. I could have given you a dishonest answer that you might have liked, but it wouldn't have been an honest one.

Maybe both you and iguana tonante would rather have heard something else... but we don't always get what we want. If you are going to venture into open relationships, you had better be prepared for that.

 

[RJDiogenes]

You are freaked out by the thought of your girlfriend or wife having another sexual partner

Yeah, I would be. Why shouldn't I?

, but suppose she had a close friendship with someone she's known since childhood? How would you feel knowing that you can never share the same kind of emotional intimacy with her or that she might seek a kind of support from this person that she wouldn't seek from you? Would it make a difference if that person were female or male?

Well, she has the right to have whatever friends she wants. If she's not fucking them behind my back, I'll call it even.

You're missing my point. Do you value sexual intimacy above emotional intimacy?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ No.

 

[LaxScrutiny]

Does such relationships work? Do you know of any successful ones? How do they work exactly?

Of course it would have been nice if you were honest with us... by specifically asking for only positive experiences and opinions of open relationships. But you asked in the title of this thread Do open relationships work? And I could not have given you a more honest answer. I could have given you a dishonest answer that you might have liked, but it wouldn't have been an honest one.

The OP asked if anyone knew of successful relationships, and how they work, neither question you were willing or able to answer. As far as the question, "Do such relationships work?" was not answered by you as you couldn't possibly have sufficient data, nor did you quote any. So don't slag anyone else's intellectual honesty here. The OP was being totally upfront about what they were asking for.