^Wow! You are more than 2 of me!
This'll be a long post, but I could really use some support and I have a very unique situation that I think needs some explaining:
As some of you may know (especially after my Misc. thread), I have type 1 diabetes. And I have bipolar disorder. Which is not a good combination.
I was in excellent health as a kid, with a health-nut mom and an active lifestyle -- prior to the presentation of the disease, that is, during which I lost 20 pounds and had to be hospitalized for two weeks. Once I was diagnosed (at age 12) and treated, though, I regained my general health. And since I was diagnosed I had pristine control of my weight and blood sugars.
Save for a spell of about 3 months when, at age 14, I developed diabulimia, that is. Diabulimia is an eating disorder unique to individuals with juvenile diabetes. Up to 80% of girls with type 1 diabetes develop eating disorders, which are really hard to treat because the standard treatment of anorexia and bulimia is to teach the sufferer not to obsess about food. Obsessing over food and weight is what causes eating disorders. But if you have type one diabetes you have to obsess over food and weight. A person with diabulimia manipulates her insulin doses to keep her blood sugar high. When your blood sugar is high enough to produce ketones you start losing weight -- fast. Really fast. A dress size in a week fast. From a size 10 to a size 2 in a month fast. Still, I regained control and kept it until age 21.
For the past three years I've been having trouble controlling my blood sugars, and I've gained 15 pounds. Now that I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder I am working very hard on getting my moods regulated, and getting my diabetes back under control. But it's not easy, so I thought, Why not join in the support thread?
Most days I have very good control, but when I am so depressed that I can barely get out of bed or go to work, it is hard to keep my blood sugars stable (I don't have any problems when I am manic because I go crazy -- literally -- with my checking and medicating.) When I am depressed I either forget to eat for days on end, or go on a crazy diet of nothing but a box of chocolate creme Oreos all day long for a week, or a jar of olives and a bunch of bananas, or a pint of Ben and Jerry's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner -- basically whatever is laying about the place. This results in either a binge of 3500 calories (which is a lot for a 135 pound girl as opposed to 2/3 of RAMA's diet!), or a reasonable 1700 calories but coming entirely from sugars.
I am almost always physically active, even when depressed because I find long walks soothing. I walk home 4-7 times a week over the Williamsburg bridge, which is about 4 miles. Add to that the 5 miles an average New Yorker walks (which is probably about right for me -- it's 10 minutes to the grocery store, 10 to the train, up and down the stairs, round about town); and a job where I am literally on my feet all the time (I teach art and movement to 2nd graders; and hatha yoga for ten minutes each morning and an hour 1-3 days a week; I don't think exercise is a problem.
It's my eating habits that are the problem, but I'm not sure what to do to gain control. Even on good days my habits are out of whack. I'll go all morning without eating -- maybe a glass of tea -- and then eat my daily allowance of 1700-2000 calories from healthy food from 3 to 10 at night. If I eat something too starchy my blood sugar goes up and I feel miserable, but I do it anyway because I can't resist temptation.
I'm not at an extremely unhealthy weight, because I am a muscle-bound girl, but I do need to lose 15 pounds to be at my ideal weight (I'm 135 and 5'2") and for a diabetic losing even 5 pounds reduces blood sugars naturally.
I am terrified of gaining back the 5 pounds I lost so far, and feel the temptation to fall back into insulin manipulation. The 15 pounds that could take months to lose if I do it healthily (it is much harder for a diabetic to lose weight than for a healthy individual), well, I could lose that 15 pounds in as many days if I stop taking my insulin. And the best part is the more I sugars and carbs I eat the faster I'll lose the weight. Cookies and pasta and doughnuts and bagels will make me thinner, not fatter!
I just don't know what to do. The temptation is so strong that I relapsed a couple of weeks ago, for the first time since I was 14. I fell into a bout of depression. I was suicidal -- not actively so, like planning it out, but bad enough that I had to force myself not to jump in front of the train every time I was on the platform. I kept my blood sugar at 400 for 2 days, even though I felt dead tired, had unquenchable thirst, and a saccharin sweet taste always in my mouth. But my psychiatrist gave me an antipsychotic and I'm feeling much better. I came to my senses before I lost any weight or did any real damage to my body.
Today I visited my endocrinologist and she reinforced the fact that I need better control.
Anyway, that is where I'm at. Thank you very, very much for listening. I need support, but my friends have never had trouble with their weight and don't really understand. Maybe just checking in with others who are trying to get healthier will be the answer.
Oof.
)
Congrats!
