Deep Space Nine Caption Contest 99: Major Pain for Quark

[Smellincoffee]

Next up in the countdown is the station's second-in-command, but one of its strongest characters -- Major Kira Nerys. Former terrorist, now XO (Quark might disagree with the "ex" part), she keeps Bajor's enemies and the Federation in line.

But first, last week's winners -- lots of new faces!

O'Brien: I swear if Rom says that tenors joke one more time...
Rom (off screen): ...Get it? The team that plays after us...

Quark: You will find my secret stash of latinum in the cargo bay marked...aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh. (dies)

O'Brien: Okay you unwashed savages, let me go and I'll bring back the sun.

O'BRIEN: Even my clones get tortured?

"I'm detecting lens flare. We must be in an alternate timeline."

The Changeling Award goes to....

Couldn't resist improving my previous submission.

​

O'Brien: So Sisko got tossed.
Bashir: Yup.
O'Brien: And I'm in charge.
Bashir: Yup.
O'Brien: And I have to devise the strategy that will lead our team to a come from behind victory.
Bashir: Yup.
O'Brien: OK, I just have one question.
Bashir: What's that?
O'Brien: Is the "baseball" the small white sphere, or the long wooden stick?

And now, here she is, everyone's fiery redhead--- THE MAJOR.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Thanks for the wins!

RIKER: Come on Nerys. I'm one square away from winning 'Species Bingo'.
KIRA: So find a Bajoran dabo girl!

Kira is shocked to find out she actually likes Cardassian porn.

ILYANA: Kira? Who's Kira? I'm llyana, a Cardassian undercover agent.
SISKO: Wait. You're not Kira?
ILYANA: No! Thanks for rescuing me though. Now I'm free to keep killing dissidents!

RUSOT: Kill her Damar! She is suggesting a sensible course of action. That is not the Cardassian way!

ODO: You know cigarettes are bad for you.
KIRA: It's okay. I saw a vision of myself from the Prophets like thirty years in the future. I've got a destiny and crap so I can't get cancer.
ODO: Ahh. Carry on othen.

 

[Finn]

Riker: I love you, Beverly…

Kira: Who's Beverly?

Riker: Damn…wrong redhead

Odo: *whispers at the flame* Laas…please go away…

The wine glass: Okay….

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Riker: Woah, woah, easy there Major. Those shoulder pads could put someone's eye out!

Kira: Oh Prophets, couldn't those two girls find another cup?

Kira: Garak, let's get out of here. Security forces are on their way!
Garak: My dear Nerys, we have nothing to worry about. They will have a hard time..

(puts on Cardassian sunglasses)

...keeping up with us Cardassians.

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Rusot: I swear by the Galor Banner, if you call me Neroon one more time, I will end you.

Odo: Is this what humans mean when they say you are "smoking hot"?

 

[Smellincoffee]

Reading Odo's ever-expanding file on Quark, abusive comments included, never got old.

Sisko: You look different, Major. Your...hair? Shoes?
Kira: I look like a Cardassian, Caption.
Sisko: I'm sure it's just the light in here.

Kira: SSHHH. Bidding war.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RUSOT: Hold my calls. Get me a scotch and come to my office for some "dictation".

KIRA: You gotta lay off the "Mad Men" holos.

 

[Praxius]

Riker: "Come here, I'll show you a magic trick. I can make you close your eyes without touching them....." *blows in her face*

Kira:"Mmmm.... Worf's backside has ridges too? Facinating Selfie Mr. Worf. Me Like'y."

Kira: "It's alright guys, I'll handle this. When I'm finished with this scum, he'll wish I jammed a phaser in his mouth set to self destruct and his brains were fed to a tribble...."
Garak: "Wait, what?"
Sisko: "The'hell's wrong with you?"

Odo: "Why, yes Kira, it is a nice dress, but It's.... a bit tight and um..... um..... ah'ummmmm... whoa, whoops, I seemed to have dropped my glass....."

Rusot: "Kira! I see you didn't wash the three seashells in the bathroom again. This is the 5th time now. If I have to ask you again, I swear I will replace them with a Pinecone on a Stick! I know I can handle it, but the question Colonel, is whether you can." *DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNNN - Commercial*

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Kira: All those positions, Odo?!

Kira: Rusot, I'm feeling very "Emissary" today. None of that touchy, feely "Duet" stuff is going to happen. Now , get me the closest thing you have to Raktajino. And Prophets help you if there is anyting resembling fish juice in it.

Tom Riker: You call me Will, and I'll call you Laren, and (winces in pain).

 

[f14peter]

KKIRA: "Okay, what's on today's To-Do list ... aggravate Quark ... Advise Sisko on the Prophets ... yell at Dukat ... aggravate Quark ... get mildly frustrated with Odo ... wish Rom would shut up ... aggravate Quark ... find someway to work my exploits as a freedom fighter into a conversation ... punch Damar in his boney nose ... aggravate Quark ... argue with a vedek ... pick up my dry-cleaning ... aggravate Quark ... "

ODO: "Major, I don't understand ... what exactly does 'shaken not stirred' mean?"
KIRA: "shut up Odo, can't you see it's finally 4:20, I never thought this day would end"

 

[Nerys Myk]

ODO: I thought the custom was to smoke a cigarette after sex?

KIRA: Oh, you weren't done?

 

[Nebusj]

Kira unwittingly activates the Defiant's new Emergency Smooching Hologram.

``You know, when I was a kid they promised us flying tea mugs, and did we get them? No.''

``Don't move! These Battlestar Galactica models are fully loaded with spring-launched Viper mini-toys and ready to put an eye out!''

``I hate these Cardassian man-caves.''

``Major, you're lighting a piece of chalk.''

 

[Finn]

Cardie Guard: Is that you? It has been ages since I saw you at that camp. You were so tiny back then.

Kira: For the last time, I'm not Ro. The next person who thinks I'm Ro will have his spoon pulled out by Rom

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Rusot: Nerys, why won't you return my calls? Last night you said I was the Gul of your dreams!

 

[Nerys Myk]

Rusot: Nerys, why won't you return my calls? Last night you said I was the Gul of your dreams!

Nerys: I usually kill people who make puns. But since it's your first day, I'm just going to maim you,

 

[Nerys Myk]

RUSOT: Hi, Nerys. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.

KIRA: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.

RUSOT: Yeah. Did you get that memo?

KIRA: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.

RUSOT: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!

 

[Avro Arrow]

Thanks for the EC, Smellincoffee!

Riker: Come with me to the Casbah, we will make ze beautiful music together!

Kira: You *really* need to lay off the Pepe Le Pew cartoons!!

Kira: What?! "Apple announces iPhone 184"? I just bought the 183!

Sisko: You look *really* familiar, but I can't place you. Who are you, exactly?

Kira: It's me, Sisko!

Sisko: No, I'm pretty sure *I'm* Sisko...

Kira: AAARRGGHH!! Stupid bird! Stupid pipes!

Rusot: Um, it's just a game, commander. Perhaps you should take a small break?

Kira: If you want me to use this console to give you a colonoscopy, just keep talking!

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRA: Whoa, When I said some one on one time, I meant comparing notes as First Officers!

 

[LeadHead]

Riker: Oh, I saw you there!

Kira: Don't you mean you didn't see me there?

Riker: I know what I said.

Kira: What's this?

Sisko: Jake's latest work: "100 Shades of Grey." It's a love story set on Cardassia.

Sisko: Great job, Major. In one sentence you managed to offend Humans and Cardassians.

Kira: Damar! I think Rusot is working for the Mimbari Governm- uh oh.

Odo: Computer, reprogram the Kira hologram to not repulse me from kissing her permanently.

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRA: I can't believe Sisko had this cup made especially for me.

 

[Schistocerca]

Scraping Kira's lunchtime lasagne from his eyes, Riker realised why you do the Heimlich maneuver with the patient facing the other way!

Kira: This Cigarette tastes odd?
Odo: That is because you just lit up the wrong end!

Whilst she was distracted reading, Odo liked to hold his oddly shaped mug near Kira's left ear for the strange sexual thrill it gave him!

Kira to Sisko: No, we all agreed it was come as a Cardassian tonight. Look perhaps the concept of cos-play is a bit beyond you!