Dating

[Capn Flukie]

*the newly-single Flukie reads the entire thread*

Aw, I gotta go through all this stuff again...

Oh well, live and learn, and live again...

 

[sidious618]

JoeZhang is absolutely 100% correct...you never tell them you're a "nice guy", because nice guys finish last, and that is also code for whiner, and (not to sound misogynistic or anything) women don't want to hear us whine...that privilege is reserved for them. Ladies, am I wrong?

I would hope so. If you're partners with someone you should be able to hear their problems and give them some support.

 

[Danoz]

p.s. shes very attractive and likes Trek... two qualities I did not think could co-exist in a woman.

Come by the picture thread. It will prove you wrong, my friend.

This is a common misconception. I've met very hot girls who like Star Trek, they just aren't necessarily broadcasting it. Also, it's not hard to get a girl to like trek if you start them off with "Inner Light" and "Tapestry" and then go through a string of lighthearted Data episodes in his quest for humanity. Then, go in for the kill with "Homeward." Once she loves the characters, you'll golden.

I have some experience with this .

 

[TremblingBluStar]

I don't necessary want to meet a girl into Trek, scifi, or even any shows or movies I like. It would suffice to meet someone who has a mind of her own, and enjoys subjects beyond what is the latest flavor of the month and what beauty cream looks best.

Unfortunately, I'm not in the best area of the U.S. for dating.

 

[Emher]

JoeZhang is absolutely 100% correct...you never tell them you're a "nice guy", because nice guys finish last, and that is also code for whiner, and (not to sound misogynistic or anything) women don't want to hear us whine...that privilege is reserved for them. Ladies, am I wrong? You don't really TELL them you just want to be their friend; you just treat them like anyone else, not any more special because they're a girl, but not like they're not important, either. And, yes, it is a tad disingeneous, but women are so used to us trying to get into their pants that it kind of takes them aback when they DON'T have to deal with that from a guy, for a change. It puts them at ease, and when they're not on the defensive they're easier to talk to.

So tell me this: I never say I'm a nice guy, never say I just want to be friends, generally treat women better though since I for some reason think it is easier relating to women then to men, and yet I'm always the friend, I'm never the love intrest. Any answers to that?

 

[LaxScrutiny]

JoeZhang is absolutely 100% correct...you never tell them you're a "nice guy", because nice guys finish last, and that is also code for whiner, and (not to sound misogynistic or anything) women don't want to hear us whine...that privilege is reserved for them. Ladies, am I wrong? You don't really TELL them you just want to be their friend; you just treat them like anyone else, not any more special because they're a girl, but not like they're not important, either. And, yes, it is a tad disingeneous, but women are so used to us trying to get into their pants that it kind of takes them aback when they DON'T have to deal with that from a guy, for a change. It puts them at ease, and when they're not on the defensive they're easier to talk to.

So tell me this: I never say I'm a nice guy, never say I just want to be friends, generally treat women better though since I for some reason think it is easier relating to women then to men, and yet I'm always the friend, I'm never the love intrest. Any answers to that?

You need more money, a nicer car and to learn to play guitar.

 

[Emher]

I can fix the two first, the last is no good. I tried for years.

 

[msbae]

So tell me this: I never say I'm a nice guy, never say I just want to be friends, generally treat women better though since I for some reason think it is easier relating to women then to men, and yet I'm always the friend, I'm never the love intrest. Any answers to that?

I second this motion.

 

[Venardhi]

Every woman is different, just like guys have at least some semblance of unique personality. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your lady problems. The first step though is not to worry so much and not to think of them as something you have to beat to get the prize. Just treat em like people.

 

[Noname Given]

You'll do a better job attracting women if you're self-confident without being overbearing or cocky, with a touch of self-deprication. Come across with a good sense of humor and they'll warm up to you. Don't try to get into their pants, make an attempt to be their friend. Every woman, every single one, has at least one female friend who is in your boat, who has no confidence, who would like to find someone, and making a woman your friend is the key to finding her. And I have discovered that quite often they're generally hotter than the one you were pursuing, whether hotter looking, or more like-minded and appealing to your sense of intelligence. I had more hook-ups with female friends of my ladyfriends than I did striking out on my own. And while you're at it, check out older women...having a younger guy check them out appeals to their sense of vanity. I'm a happily-married guy in his 40s, but the hands-down most wild sex I ever had was when I was 22, with a lady who was 33. Every once in a while I'll be somewhere, smell a certain perfume, and immediately get a pinky.

Sorry to digress.

Anyway, the last thing you want to do is to appear pushy or desparate. Women can smell desparation. Like dogshit. When they smell that, or otherwise sense it (such as your willingness to immediately adjust your schedule to accomodate changes in theirs), they feel they have the upper hand and since it's no longer a challenge to them, you'll remain alone. It's a far stretch to say there's someone for everyone out there...but there are, to coin a phrase, a lot of fish in the sea, and if you keep on meeting people and having an open mind and establishing friendships with women (never understimate the chubby or homely ones...every woman has her own charm), and ultimately you will find someone who you can enjoy time with. Will that lead to something more? Who knows? But it doesn't happen overnight. It requires time and patience and effort. Saying "Hang in there, buddy" implies it will happen without effort. It is more likely to happen if you're out there circulating yourself, making friends, getting to know people, networking, and establishing friendships with women without the expectations of trying to get into their pants, which women can detect a mile away and generally find off-putting. Oh, and one last thing...women enjoy the company of the bad boy, but end up marrying the reliable grown-up man.

Hope this helps.

Not to diparage this poster above BUT - as someone who has tried both the 'nice guy/friend' approach; and the aloof/assholish method, the LATTER is more likely to get you laid. When you're the 'Nice Guy', she'll tell you everything (in great detail) about the jerk who she's actually screwing around with; and thank you for 'being there' for her; but will never want to get close/physical because that will 'wreck the friendship'.

And as always, you CAN find the one or two women who ARE exceptions to this 'rule'; but for the most part being the 'nice guy/friend' doesn't get you near your goal of getting intimate (if that's what you ultimately want).

Women want to screw/reform the 'bad seed'; and it makes them more interested in you physically. They also hate it and actually get MORE attracted if, once you have a fledgeling relationship, you occassionally feign disinterest; or stop paying them attention in certain ways. They start throwing themselves in you face and call you. The problem is, you need to walk a pretty thin line as going too overboard one way or the other will spoil things too, but I've had more success over the years (I'm now 46) with this approach as opposed to the 'nice guy' approach.

 

[LaxScrutiny]

You need to be careful with all of this, you have no idea how you come across to other people.

If I put any extra effort into being an asshole I'd probably end up killing too many people. Mind you, violent offenders always seem to have a girlfriend, so there's something to be said for it...

 

[Lindley]

I'm starting to wonder if maybe all those medications I was on when I was younger simply removed my sex drive.

Left the abstract desire for intimacy intact, naturally, but suppressed the instincts which would drive me to take steps towards achieving it.

It would explain a lot.

 

[sidious618]

Women want to screw/reform the 'bad seed'; and it makes them more interested in you physically. They also hate it and actually get MORE attracted if, once you have a fledgeling relationship, you occassionally feign disinterest; or stop paying them attention in certain ways. They start throwing themselves in you face and call you. The problem is, you need to walk a pretty thin line as going too overboard one way or the other will spoil things too, but I've had more success over the years (I'm now 46) with this approach as opposed to the 'nice guy' approach.

Sorry but I'm not going to become an asshole just to get laid by a bimbo. Ain't gonna happen. I guess it all depends on who you make sure you're around. If you're around mature people then generally you don't need to act like a total dick to be in a relationship.

 

[bigdaddy]

Someone did the same kind of thing to me and I say ditch her and just stop talking to her.

 

[Tim]

Women want to screw/reform the 'bad seed'; and it makes them more interested in you physically. They also hate it and actually get MORE attracted if, once you have a fledgeling relationship, you occassionally feign disinterest; or stop paying them attention in certain ways. They start throwing themselves in you face and call you. The problem is, you need to walk a pretty thin line as going too overboard one way or the other will spoil things too, but I've had more success over the years (I'm now 46) with this approach as opposed to the 'nice guy' approach.

Sorry but I'm not going to become an asshole just to get laid by a bimbo. Ain't gonna happen. I guess it all depends on who you make sure you're around. If you're around mature people then generally you don't need to act like a total dick to be in a relationship.

Seriously. My strategy is...*shock horror*...to be myself! Most people can read through pretenses, so I try not to play "let's pretend" when it comes to relationships. As for the whole being "nice" thing, it is possible to be genuinely nice without being a pushover. For example, if my schedule is less restrictive than her's, then I'm perfectly willing to adjust and accommodate within reasonable limits. It's the whole "being considerate" thing. I just don't have the patience for games.

 

[msbae]

Anyway, the last thing you want to do is to appear pushy or desparate. Women can smell desparation. Like dogshit. When they smell that, or otherwise sense it (such as your willingness to immediately adjust your schedule to accomodate changes in theirs), they feel they have the upper hand and since it's no longer a challenge to them, you'll remain alone. It's a far stretch to say there's someone for everyone out there...but there are, to coin a phrase, a lot of fish in the sea, and if you keep on meeting people and having an open mind and establishing friendships with women (never understimate the chubby or homely ones...every woman has her own charm), and ultimately you will find someone who you can enjoy time with. Will that lead to something more? Who knows? But it doesn't happen overnight. It requires time and patience and effort. Saying "Hang in there, buddy" implies it will happen without effort. It is more likely to happen if you're out there circulating yourself, making friends, getting to know people, networking, and establishing friendships with women without the expectations of trying to get into their pants, which women can detect a mile away and generally find off-putting. Oh, and one last thing...women enjoy the company of the bad boy, but end up marrying the reliable grown-up man.

Quoted for being mostly truth. If you don't find homely or chubby girls attractive, don't date them. You'll never be happy with them and they won't be happy with you, either. It's a recipe for disaster. Figure out what kind of woman you want, find out how to get her and then go get her.

Don't try to get into their pants, make an attempt to be their friend.

Urg... but you *do* want to get into their pants, so it's disingenuous to pull that "I'm a nice guy who wants to be your friend" crap.

Oh and *never* say to a woman anything like "I'm a nice guy" or "why do women not go for nice guys" because nice guy is always code for "whiner".

AMEN.

 

[Emher]

Oh, and one last thing...women enjoy the company of the bad boy, but end up marrying the reliable grown-up man.

Yeah can anyone let me in on when the hell that is? Let's say for fun sake that this does happen at about 30-35, what does that matter if women have not payed me any attention before and literally don't know what the hell to do in bed and relationshipwise since I've never lost my viriginity and never had sex? Granted, they probably would not be remotely intrested in marrying in that case any way. Not really sold on the thought myself in any case, but let's just swap "marry" for "get into serious relationship with" then.

And yeah yeah ye olde, act like an ass to get their attention. But the facts I are that I do not have the physical shape to afford to be an ass, and most of all I can NOT stand behaving like an asshole to people that don't deserve it. I was treated like such utter shit troughout my teens that I literally CAN NOT STAND being such a person. So no, I will not act like an asshole.

 

[Venardhi]

Look, it isn't about being an asshole, or acting full of yourself. Those are just various ways people get around the key issue of being confident. So what if you're fat? Tons of chicks date and fuck fat guys. So what if you're nerdy? Tons of nerds get laid every night. The only reason these things are an issue for you is you have bought into the idea that you aren't good enough. Why do you think guys constantly put each other down and give each other shit? It is one of the many ways to establish dominance and who gets first pick of the women. All you have to do is have the bearing of an alpha male and they'll treat you like an alpha male. Take the hottest guy you can find and have him act like a nervous wreck sucking up to women and most probably won't give him a shot.

Most women aren't going to sleep with you, even fewer are going to want to date you. The only way you sort them from the masses is to go for it.

 

[SicOne]

I'm starting to wonder if maybe all those medications I was on when I was younger simply removed my sex drive.

Left the abstract desire for intimacy intact, naturally, but suppressed the instincts which would drive me to take steps towards achieving it.

It would explain a lot.

Nah. Probably on a subconscious level, your body is thinking the "I wonder if all the screwing I'm getting is worth all the screwing I'm getting", and deciding it isn't worth it to play the grand and glorious game. It's sometimes a lot more hassle than its worth, and often the thrill is in the chase, and not the catch.

 

[TremblingBluStar]

And yeah yeah ye olde, act like an ass to get their attention. But the facts I are that I do not have the physical shape to afford to be an ass

Well, if you behave like an ass, women will think you are an ass regardless of your physical shape. If you behave confidentially, and act as if you aren't afraid to joke around with them it won't matter what you look like (as much, anyway).

Trust me. I see plenty of guys around here who look like a cross between Silent Bob and Carrot Top with some hot women. Not all of them are confident (just lucky), but most of them are.