Bridesmaid issues

[Hunter X]

Wow.

Well, I'm totally on that girl's side. You and your fiance have both gone a bit batty.

Ditto. She's only a couple hours away and you're telling the lady her man needs to lose a days wages so she can attend a wedding rehearsal and a "hair appointment?" How complicated can your ceremony possibly be?

Well, again, it's not so much that we're worried she'll miss a step in the ceremony or that her hair will be out of place. It's:
1. The manner that her plans were communicated. It was with very little warning and very callous in tone, with no regard to either of our feelings. There was no attempt to reach a compromise or discuss things, which we would have been more than willing to try. Even if it ended up that she couldn't come down, at least we would've tried our best to make it work.
2. She said when she was willing to help us in any way when we asked her to be a bridesmaid. We've asked two things of her: to buy her own dress (pretty standard for bridesmaids, we double checked that before asking) and to come to the rehearsal. If she absolutely can't, okay, but see point 1. And the bigger question: why doesn't she seem to want to celebrate with her friend before the wedding? My fiancee thought she meant more to her friend than that. The people that show up and celebrate with us the day of are the guests, and we're very excited to share our party with them. The bridal party have a bit of a bigger role: they also help out, or at least, try their best to help out where they can.

I can see that I wasn't clear about this in my initial post, where I focused more on the dilemma of missing the rehearsal and less on the attitude of the Bridesmaid, so people are thinking that we're upset about something that I agree is a thing we can work around and completely not worth sacrificing a friendship over.

 

[Colonel Green]

^ Having facilitated HUNDREDS of weddings, permit me to assure you that someone will miss a step no matter how great your preparations. Please be further assured that, with the possible exception of the officiant, nobody will notice.

She could show up with her hair in a ponytail after a 2 min blow-dry, and still, nobody would notice. Bridesmaids and groomsmen routinely miss the rehearsal. I've actually conducted wedding rehearsals in the absence of the official and helped organize hundreds more. Attendance of the entire wedding party is generally the exception rather than the rule.

This is the most important day of your life, not hers. Her inability to attend one of the myriad of wedding related functions is not a reflection of her commitment to her friendship with your fiance.

TLDR: Bride/groom-zilla. You are coming off as extremely self-absorbed.

 

[Hunter X]

Hence this part:

Well, again, it's not so much that we're worried she'll miss a step in the ceremony or that her hair will be out of place.

 

[Colonel Green]

Your entire complaint reeks of self-absorption. Again: this is the most important day of YOUR life, not hers. To expect a friend to put their entire life on hold for no better reason than your own peace of mind is ridiculous.

GROOMZILLA SMASH

I think that her sharp responses to your objections better reflect their inappropriateness than her temperament. Your demands are inflexible and unreasonable and she has every right to be irritated.

 

[Robert D. Robot]

I get what you're saying, Hunter... and don't stress out too much- your wedding ceremony will be great (actually, a little unexpected surprise or two would only add a little additional flavor to the day), so do not worry about that. Others are correct in that guests would not even notice (if it happens) a little divergence from what you had planned.

I feel that the issue for you is more about some hurt feelings and disappointment at the thought of not getting what you had expected from a friend.

Maybe it is because I am a bit older and I have developed some very good long term friendships that have stood the test of time that I have come to be able to expect both small and major things from my friends and they of me.

For my wedding, I know they would not consider making the effort to spend a day or two with friends to be putting their lives on hold. They would make adjustments in order to participate. They would view it as gaining and sharing something, not giving something up- even if it means that somebody's spouse has to catch up with everybody at a point later in the weekend.

It is not a peace treaty negotiation with the Sheliak where a misstep might lead to war. But it is a Wedding, and people involved tend to takes steps so that it turns out well as possible. HAVE FUN!

 

[sidious618]

This is why when Scarlett Johansson and I marry we will have a private ceremony.

 

[Hunter X]

This is why when Scarlett Johansson and I marry we will have a private ceremony.

Yeah. My parents did a reception with immediate family and their two best friends, who were also married (erm, not at the same ceremony, a couple years earlier). Sixteen people at a fancy restaurant, that was it.

Oh, the foolishness of the younger generation.

 

[SeerSGB]

Elope: saves the hassle.

 

[JiNX-01]

P.S. This is why when my GF and I get married it will be on a beach in Hawaii with 20 seagulls and a JP with a lei on in attendance.

Um, you don't expect the JP to wear more than a lei? For your sakes, I hope he has a good body.

ETA: OK, having read through everyone's comments, I would have to agree that the bridesmaid should have recognized the importance of reciprocation. Your fiancee was present and fulfilled her duties as maid of honor without fail or balking, and Bridesmaid should be willing to do the same. It is really little enough to participate in the pre-wedding preparations.
And if it is really too much ask, she should have declined the honor.

 

[propita]

Your entire complaint reeks of self-absorption. Again: this is the most important day of YOUR life, not hers. To expect a friend to put their entire life on hold for no better reason than your own peace of mind is ridiculous.

GROOMZILLA SMASH

I think that her sharp responses to your objections better reflect their inappropriateness than her temperament. Your demands are inflexible and unreasonable and she has every right to be irritated.

People have different definitions of "friendship." Not saying one is better than another, but different in what is expected as give and take with this person or that person.

Which is what I'm saying about Fiancee and Friend. They've grown up and grown apart (so typical after high school), each has re-defined "friendship," and the two definitions don't mesh--or the definitions are not that far apart but one person no longer fits in the category of "friend" for the other. After all, Friend went through all this for her own wedding, she should recognize the anxiety for what it is.

Hubby and I have a friend, hadn't talked to him in a while, but his 18yo stepson's car broke down about 60 miles away from us on his way home from college--could I go out there? I wasn't working at the time but, hell, 60 miles on a crappy one-lane each direction road following a map because who-the-hell-knows-where-Kettleman-City-is sucks. Did I go out there? Of course, my friend needed help. I got there, got a hold of AAA for the boy, and within a half hour of getting there was driving back the 60 miles.

I'm sure that you do similar for your friends, Colonel Green, and that your friends would not hesitate to help you, too. There are those whom you go out of your way for simply because they're your friends.

I just don't think Friend includes Fiancee among her friends. For that reason, Fiancee needn't include Friend as a friend in the future. Especially since they've already begun drifting apart prior to this.

 

[Mr. B]

Elope: saves the hassle.

My parents have been dropping that advice throughout my life.

 

[Canadave]

I think you're really overreacting, myself. It's just a wedding. And yes, it is important to you, but don't fool yourselves: you're not the centre of the universe. Her husband can't afford to take a day off work and she doesn't feel comfortable driving down alone? That seems like a totally valid reason for coming down the next day to me. Really, you should have just said something like it being unfortunate, but you can understand her reasoning.

And after all, if they're leaving at 5 AM instead, that strikes me as showing a certain level of commitment right there. Who in their right mind would prefer to get up before sunrise on a Saturday morning instead of taking a day off work and coming down the previous afternoon?

In short, you need to chill, and probably apologize. Get some perspective, because a year from now this isn't even going to matter.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Looking at it just practically, I agree w/ those who say it isn't a big deal. No matter what the bridesmaid ends up doing (or not doing), you're going to have a wonderful wedding.

On the other hand, I understand the disappointment and hurt feelings and the need to vent.

There has been history of her treating other people this way, but she's never treated my fiancee like this.

I learned the hard way, too: friends who treat others badly WILL eventually treat you the same way.

 

[Hunter X]

^Thanks.

To those saying I'll need to apologize to her afterwards, we haven't actually said much to her yet. My fiancee made it clear we wanted her there (and just that, none of the other guilting stuff I've mentioned throughout the thread. We didn't want to go in firing all cannons) she replied that she wasn't coming anyways, and my fiancee expressed at how the lack of reciprocation and the rude responses were pretty hurtful. There's been nothing else said since, though that was just yesterday.

I came here because I needed to vent somewhere, in a forum where no one knew any of us and especially not her. I didn't go onto Facebook, Twitter, contact her myself or bash her to her friends. I know I sounded worked up here, but that's because I could be. Unloading anything I was feeling and the stuff in my mind to my fiancee would've just caused a vicious circle of angry reactions, which wouldn't have gone anywhere productive. Venting here let me get some stuff out that didn't have anywhere else to go, so I've probably sounded a lot harsher and more worked up than how I've actually acted. And receiving the posts that told me to settle down helped to. While I don't think all of them really understood the actual issue at hand, it was good for me to deal with perspectives different from my own.

I've talked with my fiancee about where to go from here. I think that the best option really is to be pleasant to her, allow her to come on her terms and not make the wedding all about this drama. At the very least, a gaping hole in the wedding party will just be noticeable for everyone invited. If she comes, my fiancee may still be a little annoyed with her, but it can just be kept between us and we'll deal.

My fiancee proposed offering to pay for their hotel room if they came down the night before. She does want her friend there for at least one pre-wedding party so they can celebrate in a relaxed atmosphere, and we're willing to do what we can to help them out. If they say no--one night in a hotel does not match a day's missed work wages, and she may not be comfortable accepting money that way--then I think we'll just have to accept that and get hitched. I think that allowing the Bridesmaid to say no to my fiancee once again could just start the whole thing over again for them emotionally, but she is my fiancee's friend and it's up to her judgment in the end on how to deal with that relationship.

Girl friendships weird me out.

Groomzilla, out!

 

[Colonel Green]

Hubby and I have a friend, hadn't talked to him in a while, but his 18yo stepson's car broke down about 60 miles away from us on his way home from college--could I go out there? I wasn't working at the time but, hell, 60 miles on a crappy one-lane each direction road following a map because who-the-hell-knows-where-Kettleman-City-is sucks. Did I go out there? Of course, my friend needed help. I got there, got a hold of AAA for the boy, and within a half hour of getting there was driving back the 60 miles.

I'm sure that you do similar for your friends, Colonel Green, and that your friends would not hesitate to help you, too. There are those whom you go out of your way for simply because they're your friends.

The difference being that in your case, your friend's stepson needed help.

This case isn't about needs, it's about wants.

At the very least, a gaping hole in the wedding party will just be noticeable for everyone invited.

It'll only be noticeable to you two and the people you choose to point it out to. Basically, it'll be as noticeable as you want it to be, so I'm thinking: Very

 

[Robert D. Robot]

I find it pretty amusing that the bulk of the posts coming in on a subject relating to wedding "protocol"
seem to be coming in from young and/or single men stating that this issue is no big deal (I had expected
to see more opinions from more women....).

I feel that if you don't appreciate that a wedding ceremony and the bride at the center of that ceremony actually
ARE the center of the universe (for at least that one day or two!), it seems to me that you have never actually
been around a bride (and I do not mean some spoiled caricature as portrayed on TV-- I mean a woman that you
know, and that you actually care about.... and might even love).

As I said before, I do think some weddings do get way out of control and some women can become Bridezillas....

I do not believe that this is the case here, though.

 

[Colonel Green]

I for one am a happily married man who has participated in literally hundreds of weddings in a professional capacity. Forgive me if I have little sympathy for unnecessary drama resulting from self-absorption on the part of the couple to be.

 

[Robert D. Robot]

It was my impression that a Bridezilla is someone who keeps switching the font and paper stock on the order for the wedding invitations--driving the printer crazy... constantly calling the caterer with concerns about the menu that the caterer keeps assuring her that has been resolved.... continually bugging the reception hall folks about adding options that the manager has told her several times can not be done at the facility... a person with an unpleasant, demanding attitude that is making all friends and family suffer around her. Too many tantrums.

.... This here ain't that case!

The main thing here seems to be we've got two high school friends that are dealing with the pain of realizing they have drifted apart, made worse by the fact that one woman is suddenly not willing to honor the two simple requests asked of her as a condition of her participation (from day one). The groom wanted to vent a little and perhaps get some perspective on strained relationships and a little encouragement from the forum.

I don't feel that this couple is self-absorbed any more than the average couple planning for a wedding.

They simply expect an individual to live up to the commitments that were made, and I do not think that this is unreasonable.
What was initially a "want" on the couple's part become a "need" for them once a third party agreed to fulfill a commitment and they assumed they could depend on her.

 

[Robert D. Robot]

I think Colonel Green has been around too many extremely demanding, self-absorbed couples at many of those weddings, so he may have an understandably low threshold for anything relating to wedding day drama.

On the other hand, I guess I have been in too many situations where someone made a commitment to do something and then dropped the ball or backed out because they changed their mind or they never really took their obligation seriously. This has happened in situations where there actually were consequences for other people. So this is undoubtedly why I have a strong, but different, point of view on the situation.

Good Luck, Hunter!

 

[Koinek]

Another voice of support for Hunter here. I hate when people try to weasel out of obligations or slack off on them. When you make a commitment, take it seriously and live up to it. Also, don't make a strong commitment like this one unless you understand exactly what it entails. Planning a wedding is stressful work and it's easy to upset the apple cart. This girl should have known that considering she was recently married herself.

The right thing to do in this situation for the friend would have been to either accept the bride's wishes or back out of the bridesmaid gig respectfully and far enough in advance so that a suitable replacement could be found. Instead she's basically tried to mold the day around her needs despite the bride's disapproval and done so at a time that is impractically late.

Sorry you gotta go through this man. I hope it works out.