Bridesmaid issues

[MANT!]

Have taken care of a similar issue for the daughter, a Bridesmaid (Sister of the Groom..very pretty) informed us she was coming from Brazil..dress sized (based on measurements sent to us) and ordered with all that that entails.. ticket bought etc.. as of last week, she informed us that she wasn't going because."I really don't feel like it,now!"..we've canceled the ticket (at a net loss of $100.00) and dear daughter has picked a new Bridesmaid..and the dress will have to be altered slightly at additional cost..

Daughter was freaking out, I told her to remember what happened..forgive but don't forget, and get a favor from her later...

 

[Miss Chicken]

Out of interest (from someone who had a very small wedding - no bridesmaids) - what is the average amount of bridesmaids for a wedding nowadays?

 

[iguana_tonante]

What I object to is literally the conversation being:

"But [bridesmaid], I'm afraid I'm going to be annoyed at you if you don't come down the night before after all of this."

"That's your problem."

Well, that sounds as a bit rude, but it's actually true: if the bride is gonna be annoyed, it's her problem.

Looks like the bridesmaid is not gonna bulge on this issue: she will come with her husband instead of complying with your request. The ball is in your court now. Pouting is not gonna solve anything.

 

[Scout101]

Out of interest (from someone who had a very small wedding - no bridesmaids) - what is the average amount of bridesmaids for a wedding nowadays?

Can't speak for everyone, but getting married in October, and the fiance has 4, counting the Maid of Honor. 3-4 sounds about right.

Was at my cousin's wedding last summer, she had 12, it was retarded. They had to stack them 2 deep at the altar, wasn't room for everyone...

 

[TheBrew]

I think that are both right and wrong. Yes, she should have been more conscious of your fiancee. If she phrased it as "That's your problem", that is a bit of a bitch remark. So I get how that would frustrate someone who is already entering the final stage of a high-stress production.

On the other hand, as long as she shows up on time (or is a little bit late), I don't see the big deal. She could probably just show up and copy the other bridesmaids and be fine. You could let this brew into a big thing, but I am sure you would rather worry about the big picture and not to sweat the small stuff.

 

[Hunter X]

If the bridesmaid couldn't fulfill the duties, she should have declined the honor and just came as a guest.

Yeah, this is exactly what I'm trying to say. But I suppose "should haves" aren't exactly going to help right now.

I think that are both right and wrong. Yes, she should have been more conscious of your fiancee. If she phrased it as "That's your problem", that is a bit of a bitch remark. So I get how that would frustrate someone who is already entering the final stage of a high-stress production.

On the other hand, as long as she shows up on time (or is a little bit late), I don't see the big deal. She could probably just show up and copy the other bridesmaids and be fine. You could let this brew into a big thing, but I am sure you would rather worry about the big picture and not to sweat the small stuff.

Yeah. I think what's putting me out the most is the rudeness, as I've said. I think what's putting my fiancee out is that this is coming at the end of a long history of the bridesmaid doing crappy things to her own family and friends. The reason we didn't really think it would happen here is because she's hasn't really treated my fiancee like this, she's just been let in on some pretty nasty family drama and the like.

Here's a contrast too. We have a friend of the fiancee's who volunteered herself to play harp for us during the ceremony. She's a dear friend to my fiancee and we thought it could be different, and I'm up for anything other than a CD (well...or bagpipes) playing during the ceremony. The musician also works in Israel at random points throughout the year. My fiancee has e-mailed her a couple of times, just to see if the musicians boyfriend is coming too, small stuff like that, and hasn't heard back. Then my fiancee hears from her mom that the musician may not even be back from Israel in time for the wedding.

Our reaction has been completely different. Sure it's inconvenient that we have to find a new musician so late in the game, and sure it would be nice if the first musician told us directly. But she's in Israel, we know other musicians, it'll work out.

My fiancee asked me why she felt so frustrated with her bridesmaid friend but not her musician, when the situation is largely the same. I think it's because there's a different history with the friend than with the musician.

 

[Kestra]

Out of interest (from someone who had a very small wedding - no bridesmaids) - what is the average amount of bridesmaids for a wedding nowadays?

I would estimate something around six based on my own work at a bridal store and then as a planner, but that's not taking into account people who have very small weddings or don't order typical bridesmaids dresses.

 

[Finn]

Do you guys have a back up, in case she's late and you aren't comfortable with two bridemaids and three groomsmen??

 

[Robert D. Robot]

I hope this will eventually all work out well for you and your bride and the bridesmaid,
Hunter X. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I have to say I agree with your
point of view completely and sympathize with your frustration.

With the weddings I have been involved with, I have seen it as a time when family
and -in particular- friends get together and spend some time together to celebrate
what is a very important moment in a couple's life together. It is not just the ceremony,
but the reunion that takes place centered around the couple. If someone can't take
one Friday evening out of one week in their life to spend celebrating with friends, I
have my doubts about how much this bridesmaid values the relationship that she
has with the bride and with the other people in the circle of friends.

I too, do believe that way too much emphasis is often put on wedding day ceremonies,
but -for me- this usually involves huge, overblown weddings where too much money
is thrown away (in my opinion) on a one-day party... money that could better go towards
things a couple needs for a home and life together. Sometimes some people- usually
women (sorry!)- put too much emphasis on every little thing being perfect, which is only
setting a person up for stress beforehand and disappointment afterwards. Form what you
have said, I do not feel that this is the situation with your wedding ceremony.

I have been involved over the years with conference planning, theater productions, and
friends on sports teams- not to mention plays at summer camp. A person shouldn't take
a position where they are not willing to accept the responsibility and obligation of the role
they have either volunteered for or been asked to accept. You want to be able to depend
on all involved so that everything goes well and goes smoothly... minimize stress!

A wedding is a production, a performance, of sorts, and anyone who cares about all the
people involved should take things seriously and step up to the plate. Just "winging it"
by watching what the other bridesmaids are doing during the ceremony is a pretty
disrespectful attitude to have. If you aren't going to be respectful and considerate,
don't accept the role.

I have been at weddings where I showed up early and crashed on someone's floor in
a sleeping bag the night before the ceremony, just to be with my friends on their big day.
On this day, the bridesmaid's relationship with the bride should be the most important
relationship. If this was going on in my circle of friends, this woman should either get herself
into town a day early (or somebody drive over and pick her up!) so she is there to hang out,
rehearse, and ease the bride's concerns. Bridesmaid's hubby can work and sleep on Friday
night alone and then make the 3 hour drive to meet up with her the morning of the ceremony,
if he wants to attend. I hope that he is not a needy, possessive type, causing all the heartburn here.

This should be an honor for the bridesmaid. She seems to be treating it like just another task that
she has to attend to. Her attitude perplexes me, but I guess I am lucky to have quite a great group
of considerate friends.

It is only one night, after all!

 

[Hunter X]

^Again, someone who says things better than I did. Thanks.

Do you guys have a back up, in case she's late and you aren't comfortable with two bridemaids and three groomsmen??

We could, though I don't think we would, just because getting the dress from the bridesmaid, getting it to someone else and having it fitted would be tricky, not to mention awkward.

I woke up this morning in a better mood about the whole thing, and I hope it doesn't come to replacing her. It's just too much drama to explain to everyone, and I don't want it to seem that we cut someone because she was ruining our perfect wedding. It's really not about that for either of us, but since some people here are getting that impression, it's something I'd rather avoid. It may be better to just grit our teeth through her attitude, and then let the friendship end in the natural, "we haven't been in touch for a while" fashion rather than all this high drama.

 

[propita]

Got to agree with Hunter. "Friend" is rude and more is expected of old friends--although Fiancee did have some warning of Friend's behavior. Yeah, she could come down the night before (or someone could go get her the day before--someone must have the 6 hrs available; inconvenient, but gives Friend no excuse) and have her husband come down for the wedding itself. Or Friend and husband could come down the day before and crash on a couch--or they could be put up at a hotel.

Yes, brides worry about everything. Yes, something will go wrong. But that doesn't excuse behavior that adds a problem and is utterly avoidable.

I'd get through the wedding and then end the friendship later. Fiancee doesn't matter to Friend. You don't need her in your life.

 

[RoJoHen]

I'd get through the wedding and then end the friendship later. Fiancee doesn't matter to Friend. You don't need her in your life.

Good lord, talk about an overreaction.

 

[Hunter X]

I'd get through the wedding and then end the friendship later. Fiancee doesn't matter to Friend. You don't need her in your life.

Good lord, talk about an overreaction.

Just to be clear, there's no way either of us would go after the bridesmaid after the wedding, in a vengeful "now that we have what we want out of you, you're not our friend!" kind of way. That's just petty.

She's a bridesmaid in the first place because my fiancee was the Maid of Honour at Bridesmaid's wedding and they were good friends in high school. There's already been a natural drifting apart since then, aside from the Maid of Honour thing, and there wouldn't be much reason to try and stop the drifting now. Friendships come and go. This one seems like it's time to let it go its course.

 

[Mr Awe]

This is a difference in world view. Many people, including you and your fiancee would see this as a huge thing. Many others, like the other, girl would see this as a minor detail. She probably wasn't over concerned about this stuff at her own wedding. There's no correct answer.

It would probably be good for you and your fiancee to chill out a bit. It's not worth the stress. If she shows up early enough to perform her duties, all is good. No problem. If she doesn't, well, she's part the audience then. Still no problem. The embarrassment of being late falls totally on her. Odds are, if they were going to be late she'd bail anyway to avoid that embarrassment. If she is late but still shows up, tell her she can be seated in the audience.

Just roll with it either way. After the wedding, you two can reassess the friendship with her.

Don't get so worked up over it. It'll work out fine either way. You'll see. When's the wedding? I'm curious to hear how it turns out.

Also, while I'm suggesting to role with it, I do think it's callous of the other girl to behave this way while knowing that it is stressing your fiancee out. That is uncaring even if she doesn't see it as a big deal herself. That's why you can reasses the friendship later. But, for the wedding, don't stress. You two control what she can do or not do during the wedding.

Mr Awe

 

[T'Bonz]

I think what's putting my fiancee out is that this is coming at the end of a long history of the bridesmaid doing crappy things to her own family and friends. The reason we didn't really think it would happen here is because she's hasn't really treated my fiancee like this, she's just been let in on some pretty nasty family drama and the like.

Human life lesson. If someone is like that to her family and friends and NOT to you, it's only a matter of time until you come under fire.

I had a friend like that, was catty and mean to some others but was a good friend to me or so I thought. She turned on me eventually too. I learned my lesson from that.

 

[Mr. B]

Wow.

Well, I'm totally on that girl's side. You and your fiance have both gone a bit batty.

Ditto. She's only a couple hours away and you're telling the lady her man needs to lose a days wages so she can attend a wedding rehearsal and a "hair appointment?" How complicated can your ceremony possibly be?

 

[Robert D. Robot]

If I were you, I would not worry about deciding on any sort of definite course of action after the wedding regarding this long time friendship. It is just a fact of life that over time some old friends drift away as new people come into our lives. It sounds like this bridesmaid is already leading more of a separate life from your fiance. No need to take any action or worry about it. Bridesmaid will either form a tighter bond again, or keep drifting away.

It is very difficult at weddings because there always seems to a feeling of obligation to old friends and some family members who are no longer as close as they might have been.

 

[trampledamage]

This is why I got married with a total of six people in the room, me, mr trampledamage, my sister, his best friend, best friend's girlfriend (with camera), registrar.

Best decision I ever made.

It might seem like an over-reaction to get annoyed at this girl not fitting in with your plans when it's only a matter of her driving down that morning, but that's what weddings are like - the wedding is the whole deal from rehearsal through to ceremony, and you try to arrange everything in advance so the bride and groom have nothing to worry about on the day.

I think both your fiancee and her friend could have handled the conversation better, but there you are. At the very least, I would have expected the bridesmaid to give you more warning that she might not be there the night before. But then, this is why it's traditionally the bride's mother is in charge of organising - it keeps it one step removed from the wedding couple.

 

[Robert D. Robot]

I'd like to add that I do not wish to imply that your wife's friend is an awful person at all. She just seems like a couple of my acquaintances whose philosophy is "Don't sweat the small stuff", which usually translates into everybody else in a group having to do what the acquaintance had been relied upon to do because they chose to drop the ball.

If bridesmaid wants to be real loose and informal for details of her own wedding, that is great. But when she is part of some else's ceremony, she needs to go with how the other ceremony is being planned and run. It's just basic consideration of someone else's "gig".

 

[Colonel Green]

Out of interest (from someone who had a very small wedding - no bridesmaids) - what is the average amount of bridesmaids for a wedding nowadays?

I would estimate something around six based on my own work at a bridal store and then as a planner, but that's not taking into account people who have very small weddings or don't order typical bridesmaids dresses.

I used to work (and still do from time to time) at a national historic site that hosts around 100 weddings a year. I'd say 3 or 4 including the maid of honour.

At my own wedding we only had a best man and maid of honour, it made things much simpler. My wife didn't have to pick and choose from her vast array of friends, and I wasn't forced to enlist homeless people to match her numbers.