I think we should all back off Flux *and* his GF here. Stop trying to drive a wedge. He needs our support, not needling. And he knows this other guy isn't a threat, so I'd say he's got it all covered.
Sorry,
Flux's behavior is totally fair game here.
My behavior? What have I done exactly besides recounted the events in this situation. The most action I have taken is the 2-3 text messages I sent using her phone. I don't see how my behavior is in any way out of line here.
Flux, she is going to have to learn to deal with these things herself, sooner or later. You are not going to be with her 24/7 to pull her ass out of the fire when things happen. You should offer advice--which you have--but you shouldn't always offer to step in and handle the situation for her. If she knows you'll always be there to solve her problems, she'll have no motivation to work on that aspect of her personality.
And I agree. I have not nor will I ever offer to take care of this for her. I never said I offered any such thing. At the beginning, yeah I wanted to do
something but I didn't know what. Thus why I started the thread. And I've taken the advice given, and that's partially why I have yet to become involved in the situation.
I can understand her being introverted, having low self-esteem, but that's hardly to going to get better if she's dating someone who acts possessive and jealous.
Where have I indicated any possessive behavior? I'm quite certain I have reacted equal to if no better than many other guys would in this same situation. I could have taken all of this far worse, taken off in the guy's direction the moment I was told of the events and beaten him into a bloody pulp. So I fail to see how I'm being posessive.
I don't know, maybe you subconsciously (or even consciously) like the fact that she's weak in these situations, because it gives you a purpose, and license to "rescue" her.
Nope. I in no way enjoyed anything about this situation. I do wish she could be more assertive, and hope that if I help her at all, its to help her become more sure of herself. "You can teach a man to fish...etc"
I'm not saying your relationship is doomed, just that it's unlikely to survive in its current dynamic. She has to get assertive to the point of standing up to anyone--even you--or she's going to be walked on for the rest of her life. Sooner or later, you're going to get sick of fighting her battles for her, too, or she'll get tired of you being overbearing and just leave, rather than fight about it (since she hates confrontation.)
Again, I haven't offered to fight her battles for her, and I don't plan to. All I plan on doing is urging her to take care of things herself, and helping her prove to herself that she can do it. If that's me "rescuing" her then so be it.
Why on Earth this has been dragged out so long, I can't fathom. She doesn't have to talk to him at all outside of work. If he's "no threat," why bother with him at all? It does make me wonder if, like others have said, she likes the attention. And I get the impression you participate in the text messaging because for you it's all about staking out your territory.
This isn't high school. His behavior is inappropriate. She should reject it forcefully and not deal with him outside of work if he can't act right. And while at work, she shouldn't hesitate to report him for inappropriate behavior. Once again, this situation has fuck all to do with your relationship, as much as you seem to want to put yourself in the middle of it.
I agree if doesn't have anything to do with our relationship, as is shown by the fact that it hasn't had any effect on us whatsoever. The guy is merely a nuisance at this point, like a fly buzzing around the room. And I never wanted to put myself in the middle of it, I was simply wondering if I should or not. Believe it or not, a lot of the advice here kept me from doing so.
So this guy is a scumbag loser for working at a Radio Shack and hitting on this chick... Were you working with her at a Radio Shack when you got together?
He is a 30 year old man working at RadioShack at the very lowest level on the pay scale making barely over minimum wage, with apparently no higher education past high school. He tried running a computer repair business and failed.
I, on the other hand, went to RadioShack after my previous employer went out of business, and I was hired on as a Manager-in-Training. (Granted, it doesn't take much to be a manager at RadioShack) but I was hired on straight to the management level, while also going to college full time and was and still am in my early 20's. I worked that job strictly because retail gave me a flexible schedule that worked with my school schedule, and I knew the business. Now hat I've graduated with my Bachelor's degree, I've moved on.
Also, you guys sound young enough to where the fact that this guy has a shitty job doesn't necessarily mean anything. Do you make good money in "freelance graphic design"? That sounds like it could be a euphemism for unemployed. Is he... good looking? That's probably the most important criterion for evaluating a guy as a threat at your age.
Like I said, he's quite a few years older than us, past the age I consider it to be okay to be working a job like that. For instance I have about 100 times more respect for a guy that age working in a grocery store meat department than a guy working as a sales associate at RadioShack. I was 22 when I started there and even then I felt I was getting too old for such a shit job.
Speaking of jobs, no, I am not unemployed. After leaving RadioShack I got a job at a FedEx Office hub location, now training to be a project coordinator. No, still not the most glamorous job and not fully utilizing my degree, but it pays far, far better than RadioShack could have dreamed of paying me, and it has a hell of a lot more to do with said degree than selling capacitors and speaker wire ever did. I'm also on contract with several companies, supplying my services and have occasional freelance clients here and there. But enough about me...
*shrug*, just seems like if your girl got smacked around by her old boyfriend that some part of her likes the idea of a man's man who goes around smashing things.
She has made it quite clear, actually, that she got very sick of the macho bullshit that guy exhibited on a daily basis. I may be many things but I'm not exactly "macho"
It seems like you're doing a lot of whining to her about this guy, but not a lot of action! Push the guy around, give your woman an ultimatum to report this guy for harassment... whatever! But having this shit drag on for weeks and weeks does nobody any good. Not her, not you, not the other guy, and sure is shit not this board! They're turning on you man! Finish this already!
And now this is just contradictory to what everyone else has said. Push him around? Give her an ultimatum? None of that sounds either productive or healthy for the situation.
That is, if there even *is* a situation anymore. After the last few times he's texted her and has been ignored, he's stopped. Discussion at work has dropped to a minimum and what talk there is is typically work related. I'm hoping the "end" to all this winds up with it just fizzling out into nothing, with the guy moving on and finding someone else to creep the fuck out.
Sorry but, whether the relationship was a different story or not, she was still in a relationship, regardless of it being an abusive one, and you still somewhat intruded by letting her know 'hey, this guy is a piece of garbage, so you can have me whenever you are ready'. It doesn't matter if she was unhappy or not, she was still involved with someone. It's the same situation here. She is in a relationship and some guy is telling her 'hey, I like you', which is what you did to her before, letting her know your feelings, the same thing this guy is doing. Doesn't matter if she is happy or not, that is beside the point. The point is, both times, she was involved with a person, she wasn't single.
You can't have your cake and eat it, too. You can't tell someone in a relationship you have feelings for them and get mad when it happens to you. Forget the 'she was in an abusive relationship' excuse because it really isn't an excuse. It was still a girl in love with a guy, no matter how much of a dick he was, and you still walked in and let her know that you wanted to be her next choice.
I like you and think you're a cool dude but you want to have it both ways and you can't. You did it and now this guy is doing it. The relationship 'happy/not happy' factor is no excuse for anyone to try to 'steal' someone away. I know you said that you didn't make a move until after she was single but that isn't entirely true because you said that you told her your feelings when you found out she was being abused and was miserable (but was still in the relationship). That is still making a move, whether physical or not.
Well, I have to disagree. To say that my act of simply informing her I was interested while she had a boyfriend is equal to kissing her while she has a boyfriend is like saying that a car company airing a TV commercial is exactly the same as a man from that car company physically forcing you to get behind the wheel and test drive their car.
Besides, my informing I was interested was purely secondary to my pleading that she get away from her ex. I was very clear that even if she had no interest in being with me, I would be happy if she at least got out of that terrible relationship. Of course her choosing to be with me in the end was preferable, but had she decided to stay single after dumping the guy, for whatever reason, I would have respected that choice and moved on.
This guy, however, has no such respect. He doesn't even wait to find out if she's interested and goes straight in for the proverbial kill. If anything, it is *because* the situations are somewhat similar that I am so upset by it...because I did wait until the appropriate time to finally become physical (i.e. when she was single, and I knew she was interested) This guy disregarded both of those key elements.
