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All things RED Dwarf

I tell you one thing, I’ve been to a parallel universe, I’ve seen time running backwards, I’ve played pool with planets and I’ve given birth to twins; but, I never thought in my entire life I’d taste an edible Pot Noodle.
 
Owwww.. Hey! What’s that? Oh it’s my shadow. Let’s see how I’m lookin’.
(Pulls out mirror)
I’m lookin’ nice. I’m lookin’ nice, my shadow is lookin’ nice. Time to eat something.
This way (points). No. This way
 
Cat: I'm walking through the cargo deck, right? Minding my own damn business. When all of a sudden, you know that big tank on G deck?
Lister: He means the water tank.
Cat: Suddenly there is a disturbance on the surface of the tank and this massive testicle shoots out of the water and grabs me by the throat.
Lister: He means tentacle.
Rimmer: I hope so.
 
HOLLISTER : The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear. No pets.
Am I right? Am I right!?

RIMMER, LISTER : Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER: Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?

RIMMER, LISTER: No, sir.

HOLLISTER: It has eaten our entire supply – two and a half tons – of mint-choc ice cream. I *love* mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last bit.

RIMMER: We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir.

HOLLISTER: It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all the Coca-Cola. Guess what?

RIMMER: You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir?

HOLLISTER: I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola.

LISTER: Sir, if you could just let us –

HOLLISTER: And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens?

LISTER: It burps?

HOLLISTER: Oh, it burps. And do you know what happened to the poor brave men who had the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?

RIMMER: They went ‘phwoooarrr!’?

HOLLISTER: It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo bay wall.

RIMMER: Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won’t tarnish an otherwise flawless service record, sir.

HOLLISTER: Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink, *after* it’s burped?

RIMMER: It feels sick?

HOLLISTER: Oh no! It doesn’t *feel* sick, Rimmer – it *is* sick! Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.

LISTER: We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.

HOLLISTER: Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by –

LISTER: Oh god, it didn’t?

HOLLISTER: It didn’t what, Lister?

LISTER: It didn’t get a diarrhea attack, did it?

HOLLISTER: One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happened to the battalion that was sneaking up on the beast – from behind – of which I was a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happened?

RIMMER: Got a fair idea, sir.

LISTER: Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.

HOLLISTER: A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. I’ve had twelve baths, and three showers.
Now, do you have *anything* to say?

RIMMER: Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.

[HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk]

HOLLISTER: No one knows how to work this thing.It is sedated in the cargo bay – turn it back into a sparrow!

LISTER: Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?

HOLLISTER: Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being oiled.
Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you’re dead.

RIMMER, LISTER: Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER: And, if I ever, ever, *ever*, see you in this office again, you are finished. See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER: See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER: See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER: See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER: See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER: See ya in ten minutes?
 
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Can anyone convince me to watch Red Dwarf because my mum has been trying to get me to watch it for ages but i’ve never got around to it
 
Not sure if I can convince you. But you should watch two or three episodes just to get an idea of what it is all about and then decide for yourself if you like it. If you like British humor you probably will.
 
Can anyone convince me to watch Red Dwarf because my mum has been trying to get me to watch it for ages but i’ve never got around to it
I wouldn't say you need to watch it from the beginning. Maybe jump in around series 3-6 as those seasons are more standalone episodes. If you like it and get curious about the overall story and how they got where they are then you can deep dive from series 1.
 
Lister: They're all just lining up in some kind of firing squad. Whoah, whoah, hang on, someone's being brought out. They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh.

Cat: What?

Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I swear.

Lister: He's refusing the blindfold.

Cat : They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake?

[gunfire]

Lister : ....That's something no-one should ever have to see.
 
Kryten: Once the nanos rebuilt the ship, I thought things were going to get back to normal.

Kochanski: We don't know where we are, what to do, and have no clue what's happening. Things *are* back to normal!
 
Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh. This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cos it's only coming once: We surrender, totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. Oh, additional: sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
 
Lister: Rimmer, you’ve got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diarrhetic camels

still my favourite rd insult
 
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