Advice. Suggestions. Support. Guidance?

[Trekker4747]

Or she works certain hours? Has family commitments for certain parts of the week, has no home connection? All valid possibilities.

True, but there's not been many long breaks and now that I've started breaking out and sharing it just suits "my life"too much for this to disdisappear/fall apart now.

I do have to ask rather bluntly, is this girl really the only available option to hinge your emotional well being on? From what you describe you sound like someone needing stability rather than unknowns.

I just like, at the very least, the attention, the feelings. Feeling like I matter and someone wants me and cares about me. Beyond parents and friends I don't have that and I don't feel like I ever will. So just having the attention, feeling wanted, brings me joy and happiness. But there's also part of me who knows I'm not that fucking lucky andthis woman is way out of my league. I think all women are at this point.

Something just smells so damn fishy about all this. Be VERY careful, Trekker.

It strikes me fishy too, it did from the beginning, but in other cases where I've seemingly "met" someone it's usually pretty quick when my alarms go off and the person/says does something to make it clear. 6+ weeks seems like a long con particularly when shes never once mentioned needing/wanting money. Fuck, if all she wants is an American man to latch onto for a green card I'll do it so long as I get some emotional benefit from it.

But if she sets off any major alarms I'll know to pull the plug and drop out and just deal with God/fate/life/whatever kicking me in the balls againg and telling me to not even DARE expect to be happy. Because anytime something potentially positive is in my grasp (any aspect of life) it gets snatched away ftom me and fate says to me, "Really?!"

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I just like, at the very least, the attention, the feelings. Feeling like I matter and someone wants me and cares about me.

That makes you a very tempting target for scam artists. Don't take this the wrong way, but...they can sense people like you coming a mile away. That's how they hook you - they take advantage of lonely people who just want companionship.

 

[Trekker4747]

It means nothing if they get no money out of me and I'm not going to just dole it out, I'm too smart to fall for that.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

I would call her not having her own computer a red flag. If she can't afford a pc or smart phone then she won't be paying for her own airline ticket.

From what I've heard, in Russia, not having your own computer is not a red flag. Internet access is not nearly as widespread as in the US (and Western Europe?).

 

[Trekker4747]

Sort of my thought, important to remember Russia is Second World.

 

[sojourner]

A fool and his money.....

You should read up on how these scams work. More than likely she has numerous "fish" on the line that she is working concurrently. There most likely is no teaching job. She does this full time.

 

[Trekker4747]

Again: I know better than to send money to people, I barely lend it to friends, let alone someone on the other side of the planet.


Need I say it again? I'm not an idiot I know better than to send money to people I do not personally know, especially when I hardly have it to spare.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

It means nothing if they get no money out of me and I'm not going to just dole it out, I'm too smart to fall for that.

That's what these people count on. Victims who think they're "too smart to fall for that".

This is looking more and more like a honeytrap every damn minute. Of course you like "the attention, the feelings" - who wouldn't? But that's what they're counting on. These are experts, in every sense of the word. They capitalize on lonely people like you. They take advantage of people who just want attention, and so they give it - just enough to hook you. Your heart strings are being played like a guitar and you don't even realize it.

Don't believe it? Fine. Google "internet romance scams" and peruse the results. Go ahead, we'll wait.

And don't think we're trying to ruin your personal life or anything like that. We don't want you to be lonely any more than you do. It's just that...well, you wanted advice? Suggestions? So here it is, man! Who do you think knows you better - some stranger you've never even met, or your friends who've known you for years on end?

 

[Trekker4747]

I'm fully aware that such scams exist and they can happen and I could very well be falling for one. But the scam does no one any good if they get nothing out of it. Because a-fucking-gain I have zero intention, ability, or fluid enough cash to send money to someone I don't know. Who knows better? Me. Because I know me, and I don't lend money to people I've known for years. Why would I lend/give it to someone on the other side of the planet?

I really don't know how else to say it, even if I'm being scammed the only thing I'm going to lose is more of my emotions, self-worth and feelings. But not a dime, because I don't lend out significant sums of money. I just don't. Never have, never will.

A scam is meaningless if nothing is gained from it. I've already ran into a couple of scams through on-line interactions and the moment money is brought into play I pull the brake cord and cut-off communication.

Anyway, I got a mail back from her this evening, which would've been like early Monday morning her time, but whatever who knows what the situation is over there. Some assurances and more of the general talk/catch-up/"how your day went" stuff we've been doing all along. Again, could be a scam but seems like a long play of one.

But when I see the pictures of her.... I am not that lucky of a person.

But... maybe? I don't know, but again it's at the very least nice conversation and interaction, just to at least to get some attention. But I still just can't help but to be filled with doubts.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

But the scam does no one any good if they get nothing out of it. Because a-fucking-gain I have zero intention, ability, or fluid enough cash to send money to someone I don't know.

You can say that now, of course. You may even believe it. But once she gets her hooks so far into you that you can't let go, what then? The future is always in question.

Again, could be a scam but seems like a long play of one.

You'd be surprised as to how far ahead these scammers can think. They're in it for the long haul.

 

[Trekker4747]

You can say that now, of course. You may even believe it. But once she gets her hooks so far into you that you can't let go, what then? The future is always in question.

*sigh*

I've my best friend, I've known him since 8th-grade so over 25-years. About a couple years or so ago he came to me wanting to know if he could borrow some money to help make a car-payment, $250, or so as he was between jobs. I know it was hard for him to do, I could tell in how nervous he was and that it didn't come easy for him to ask, and I had to turn him down. I probably could have swung it but it would have been tight for me and I know he was good to repay me if/when he had the chance. But I didn't lend it to him because I just don't part with money that easily.

So go ahead, keep repeating and repeating to me that I "could fall and don't know" and send a significant sum of money to a woman on the other side of the planet whom I've never met when I wouldn't even lend by best friend a couple hundred in cash.

(FWIW, he understood and I understood he had to ask/try. He just wasn't sure he was going to be able to make the payment, he ended up being able to do it, though tight, and soon after got new employment. We're still best friends, see each other regularly, and the "money issue" never resurfaced.)

I do not lend money out easily, at all. I've only done it once in my whole life to another friend whose balls were to the wall and he was close to being evicted, it was a couple hundred dollars which at the time I had to spare, and he repaid me a couple years later when he was more financially stable. That's the only time I've lent on a meaningful sum of money.

So, to repeat, I DO NOT LEND OUT MONEY EASILY! I just don't simple as that. I don't have it to spare and being fully aware of scams out there being asked through through on-line channels by someone I've known for only a few months is a huge alarm bell. I have interneted before. Like, a lot.

So, do I need to repeat myself again or will the "scam issue" be continued to beaten into me even though I've repeated, repeated, repeated and repeated that I know scams exist, am fully aware of them, know the alarm bells and signs of it, am already on alert for them and that I don't lend money out to people.

Do I need to say that again? Let me:

I know scams exist, am fully aware of them, know the alarm bells and signs of it, am already on alert for them and that I don't lend money out to people.

Have I made myself clear or do you wish to continue?

 

[Spot261]

I just like, at the very least, the attention, the feelings. Feeling like I matter and someone wants me and cares about me.

So just having the attention, feeling wanted, brings me joy and happiness.

We all feel that way dude, that's why such scenarios as the one you suspect can take place so readily. Im not saying thats whats happening here, but it is what leaves people so vulnerable.

This girl probably is genuine, but is the stress and doubt really all that good for you?

But there's also part of me who knows I'm not that fucking lucky andthis woman is way out of my league. I think all women are at this point.

Thats never the case, no one is so worthless as you believe yourself to be and therein lies the problem. You could find someone closer I have no doubt, but you don't believe you can, so you are making do with getting those feelings vicariously.

At the end of the day it is your call, and I'm not going to patronise you by reiterating the obvious dangers. The issue for me is not whether you'll be drawn into a scam, rather why you feel this person is the best (or only possible) choice for you.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

It doesn't matter that trekker will never send anyone any money. He's fucked already if it's a scam because he has feelings for her and being strung along by a scammer emotionally is the real core of the pain, not losing the money (unless of course you mortgaged your house or something.) So if she's a scammer, plays her hand, trekker valiantly /quits her then he's still fucked.

So, trekker, you need MORE information as soon as possible. You haven't answered the suggestions about skype/facebook etc.. free video calls but I'll reiterate what others said and I would say this if she was one state over and you were having feelings. Arrange some kind of phone call, video chat, something. Bring it up and you know.. if there are a lot of excuses and you get the impression this will NEVER happen then you kind of have an answer. If she's worried about her english just tell her you want to see her and you can both just wave at each other, that is kind of cute. Suggest this, see what happens.

 

[Trekker4747]

At the end of the day it is your call, and I'm not going to patronise you by reiterating the obvious dangers. The issue for me is not whether you'll be drawn into a scam, rather why you feel this person is the best (or only possible) choice for you.

It's the attention, I don't ever get it in the real world and when I do get some I often mis-read it. (I.E. Someone being friendly, and not being flirtatious/wanting to start a romantic relationship.) But by and large no one gives me the attention and I just don't have what it takes or the "guts" to ask someone out or introduce myself to complete strangers out there. I do not have many options, and even on these on-line dating services when I've communicated with women who're nearby I don't get any responses. I know women on these services are inundated with messages so they don't get a chance to respond to every one and pick and choose the ones they respond to, but I've sent out dozens of "hello" messages usually consisting of a paragraph or more talking about myself or whatever and I don't get responses. The messages get read and then deleted.

So, I don't know. I'm at the end of the road and I'm just looking for anything and grasping at straws. There's a very strong likelihood this is a scam, parts of it are "too perfect" or just so abnormal to me for this to be genuine. I am not this:

Fucking lucky.

But could I be? Things like this do happen, people do meet people through other channels and vast distances and end up dying of old age together.

But if I am "meant to be alone" I'm not going down without a fight.

So, trekker, you need MORE information as soon as possible. You haven't answered the suggestions about skype/facebook etc.. free video calls but I'll reiterate what others said and I would say this if she was one state over and you were having feelings. Arrange some kind of phone call, video chat, something. Bring it up and you know.. if there are a lot of excuses and you get the impression this will NEVER happen then you kind of have an answer. If she's worried about her english just tell her you want to see her and you can both just wave at each other, that is kind of cute. Suggest this, see what happens.

Do computers in internet cafes have cameras/usage of Skype? I can bring it up to see if any kind of real-time communication will be possible, never even brought up Facebook or other social media site.

 

[Sgt_G]

A co-worker of mine met a girl (woman, actually, given both their ages) from eastern Europe. He flew over to met her, and everything turned out to be on the up & up, and made a few more trips since. Ergo, proof that not all such meetings are scams.

Another former co-worker met his wife in a sci-fi chat board. Fifteen years and three kids later, it's still working for them.

Someone else I knew met a girl on-line (in the USA) who always used a café computer. Turned out, she wasn't using the home computer because she was trying to leave her live-in boyfriend and didn't want him to find out. So, again, not really a scam but could have been something you might not want to get in the middle of.

So, advice?? I don't know. No risk / no reward. But stupid risks are just plain stupid. If you proceed, be smart about it.

Was that at all helpful??

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I know a (Russian) woman who was essentially sold by her mother to marry a man in Australia. The mother did the online matchmaking and wrote all the letters and shipped her off with, as I recall, a dodgy birth certificate as she was not yet 18. She ran away from the man when he wanted to have sex with her and slept on the streets until an eastern european church took her in and helped her with refuge, immigration etc.. That was about 20 years ago and she's got a good life now, degree, etc.. but my god what a story.

 

[Spot261]

It's the attention, I don't ever get it in the real world and when I do get some I often mis-read it. (I.E. Someone being friendly, and not being flirtatious/wanting to start a romantic relationship.) But by and large no one gives me the attention and I just don't have what it takes or the "guts" to ask someone out or introduce myself to complete strangers out there. I do not have many options, and even on these on-line dating services when I've communicated with women who're nearby I don't get any responses. I know women on these services are inundated with messages so they don't get a chance to respond to every one and pick and choose the ones they respond to, but I've sent out dozens of "hello" messages usually consisting of a paragraph or more talking about myself or whatever and I don't get responses. The messages get read and then deleted.

So, I don't know. I'm at the end of the road and I'm just looking for anything and grasping at straws. There's a very strong likelihood this is a scam, parts of it are "too perfect" or just so abnormal to me for this to be genuine. I am not this:

Fucking lucky.

But could I be? Things like this do happen, people do meet people through other channels and vast distances and end up dying of old age together.

But if I am "meant to be alone" I'm not going down without a fight.




Do computers in internet cafes have cameras/usage of Skype? I can bring it up to see if any kind of real-time communication will be possible, never even brought up Facebook or other social media site.

Two scenarios:

a) this is a scam, all that indicates is what we already know, there are disgusting people out there who will cash in on any weakness they perceive in others, including a lack of self esteem. This has happened thousands of times around the world and in no way is it a reflection on you, not unless you subscribe to victim blame as being valid, which I don't and you shouldn't.

b) this is not a scam, this is a genuine person who has developed some level of feelings towards you. Even if it doesn't work out the take home message would seem to be that you must have some positive traits that you aren't seeing in yourself even though others do.

In either case nothing about this reflects negatively on you unless you choose to see it that way.

Onto practical matters, does this lady use any other form of social media? Does she have a facebook account which you can access? A Twitter account? Anything which could give some sense of her identity being more than a fiction? Does said FB account link to a reasonable number of friends, contain pictures of her with other people and not suspiciously in isolation? Have you ran a google image search on any images she has sent you or posted on the dating site?

I do rather hope this is genuine but even if not, it's hard to believe anyone is truly without hope in finding love. Judging purely from your posts it's hard to latch onto any obvious issue with you as a person which might put people off other than a lack of self esteem.

 

[Trekker4747]

All signs now pointing to "yes this is a scam" now. Not sure what the endgame of it as but the rhetoric in how broken-hearted she feels after learning today she cannot afford a visit here it just seemed much given the level of communication we've had. I responded to her saying that we can find a way to work through it, communicate via other means and meet when we can or she needs to come clean for me. I just want to know.

I should know better than this and to not believe it when I think something is real, I always end up hurt. So, fine, God, fate, Karma, whatever got me again and ripped the rug out from under me. Seriously fuck my life.

 

[Scout101]

Are cell phones also not prevalent in her neck of the woods? Just seems dodgy that it's such a limited stream of information, and pretty controlled on her end. I'd think there are other ways to communicate if everything's legit and she wants to.

Also, maybe don't put all your self-esteem and self-worth in this one basket? Keep messaging more local girls. No reason that couldn't work out, even if it takes a lot of tries to get a bite. Dating apps, tinder, whatever. You're not exactly exclusive with this Russian girl you've never met, throw a few other lines in the water. Don't have to cut her off, but don't have to make her the center of your world yet, either. If things are legit and work out, great. If not, not everything was pinned on her working out.

And randomly: yes, know different cultures do things differently, etc. but is that a wedding ring on her left hand in that pic? Gold ring, left ring finger, not a great sign. Maybe nothing, maybe she's left handed and it's just decoration, maybe it's different in Russia, but just noticing...

 

[2takesfrakes]

She's Geographically Unqualified & Unsound - too much gas for the ass. And, besides ... words are not enough to make a Man feel like he's in Love. You're not going to find anyone good, online. Go to a block party, attend a festival, take acting classes, hell ... anything beats spinning your wheels by fantasising via The Internet.