TOS Caption Contest #287: Diversions

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! New Contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Desilu" Award, going to:

Kirk: You got some 'splainin' to doooo!
Lucille Ball, OS: No. CUT.

Next, we have the "SHOCKING!" Award, going to:

Kirk: Look, Spock, I understand the difficulty you're having with this whole Pon Farr thing, but this search history is shocking even by outer space standards.

Next, we have the "Big Spender" Award, going to:

Chapel: You maxed out your new credit card on Botany eBay, didn't you.
Spock: Khaaaaaaaaaaan!

Next, we have the "Species identification" Award, going to:

Kirk: Seriously, Bones, I can't tell these guys apart from Romulans. Someone should, I don't know, glue something distinctive to the Romulan foreheads or something.

Next, we have the "Translation issues" Award, going to:

Kirk: "Spock! Quickly! How do I say 'manipulative little viper bitch' in Vulcan?"

Another AMAZING lot of photoshops, managed to get the finalists down to just two, but couldn't choose, so they're both winners!!

And...

CHAPEL: You bastard! You said I wasn't your type!

Kirk: Look, Spock, I know you're upset, but the phrase "Blue Screen of Death" isn't meant to be taken literally.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, something different, we've been doing one episode per contest for awhile now, this contest I'm mixing it up!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

McCoy: You're drunk. Again.

Spock: Your mission is to meet with Ambassador Methane and establish diplomatic relations. And remember, no matter what, the Ambassador did NOT dealt it.

Redshirt: No, no! Let me go, I have to warn them about the Hippies episode!

Kirk: That's tricky stuff. Do it, this should be fun to watch!

Kirk: These panels are useless, why do we have them here?!

 

[Nerys Myk]

SHATNER: How about that one?

NICHOLS: Okay, you got me. I lied. I haven't worked out an elaborate correlation between the buttons and what's on the screen. I just randomly push buttons.

MCCOY: This avocado nail polish will go great with your outfit

 

[HarryM]

MCCOY: What did you say the planet surface is like? Are you sure these will work?

SPOCK: 80 degrees celsius, hydrogen cyanide atmosphere, sulphuric acid rain, and yes, they will work.

MCCOY: I don't know, Spock...

SPOCK: What color are you wearing?

MCCOY: Damn you, you're right again, you green-blooded hobgoblin...

SPOCK: However, your beamout must be delayed, we are still waiting on one more for the landing party...

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW LeadHead! Woo hoo!

Bones: Ok, it's only 90% velour.
Kirk: I thought my mojo was 10% off today.

Spock: Although missions to this planet have resulted in a 66.7% mortality rate, I'm sure that you have nothing to worry about, Ensign Lenny and Ensign Squiggy.

Scotty: This Jeffries tube is exit only lads! Exit only!

Mudd: Well, Doctor? You made Kirk's pheremone into "Bottled Velour" cologne, what scent have you made for me?
Bones: "Bottled Gay Pirate."
Mudd: Oh no he di'in't! <diva snap>
Sulu <os>: Mm! Mm? Mm.

Kirk: There! You see that? The "There's something out on the nacelle" light just blinked!
Uhura: I didn't see anything, captain.

 

[HarryM]

KIRK: Do you know what that light means?

UHURU: Of course, Captain. It means that the secondary comm transtator is in diagnostic mode.

KIRK: No. It's the light indicating how awesome I am. The one next to it means it's time for the Captain to get lucky...

UHURU: Mr. Spock!?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Kirk: "It's called tri-viagra, Harry. Lasts for six hours minimum. Just the thing for a planet like this, I'd say."

Kirk: "That light's not blinking! Does that mean something bad?!"
Uhura (thinking): "God, I wish he'd switch back to decaf!"

 

[Finn]

Chief Medical Officer's Log: It was a routine day. Inventories, nurse evaluation…nothing unusual. I'm off to have a drink with Jim.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Uhura: Sir, these lights keep blinking out of sequence.

Kirk: I see...

Uhura: What shall we do about it, sir?

Kirk: Get them to blink IN sequence.

 

[2takesfrakes]

"Alright, Jim. You asked me what device is used for a Colonoscopy, remember? Well ... here it is! It's not fully-extended, of course. It'll do that, once it's inserted. But don't worry, we'll use plenty of lube. So, let's get this over with, then. Drop your pants and bend over ..."

 

[Armored Saint]

BONES: You cheat on your diet, Jim!

KIRK: The SS Krispy Kreme!!! Lieutenant Uhura, hail her!
UHURA: Doctor McCoy said no, sir.

 

[T'Girl]

Uhura: "It's alright as long as it stays orange."
Kirk: "But it's yellow now."
Uhura: "Still orange."
Kirk: "Now it's black."
Uhura: "That's the new orange."

The occasional appearance of a boom mike was going to happen, but the sound guys obsession with recording perfect dialog was getting out of hand.

 

[Maurice]

KIRK: What do you have for a headache?
BONES: Try these. Little. Yellow. Different.

SPOCK: Okay, okay. I'll take a damned shower.

BONES: Bring him back here! If we have to sit through Spock's poetry slam, so does he!

MUDD: Five hundred?!
BONES: Or would you rather I just "put you down" right now?
MUDD: Don't tempt me!

KIRK: You've got our time slot set to Fridays at 10 p.m., Lieutenant!
UHURA: Is that bad?

 

[Nerys Myk]

MCCOY It's getting harder and harder to convince Security to go on landing parties.

 

[Nerys Myk]

MCCOY: "What are you looking at? Don't you look at me, f**k!"

SPOCK: (sigh) Yes doctor, we've all seen Blue Velvet. Can we proceed with the beam down now?

 

[Armored Saint]

BONES: Bring out your dead!
REDSHIRT: I'M NOT DEAD!

 

[Smellincoffee]

Thanks for the win.

Spock: Are these precautions really necessary, doctor?
McCoy: You've never been around this woman's perfume, have you?

Mudd: Get away from me! What is this, some game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?
McCoy: You said it, jackass.

Kirk: Quickly, lieutenant, turn that one clockwise twice and move it over to the right, then straight down!
Chekov, OS: I told her I could help, it is after all a Russian inwention!

 

[Nerys Myk]

MCCOY: Told you an animal tranquilizer would shut him up.

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: That's it!

UHURA: I don't think tracking down an old girlfriend's location is the best use of Starfleet resources.

 

[Mistral]

Bones: "Well, we lost another one. Throw him into Cargo Bay 2 with the rest."