STAR TREK: a series treatment starring APRIL and COLT

[zekkie]

Unless you pitch to an ACTUAL human being working at CBS, working in Dramas, it doesn't matter if its registered or not. Do you have someone that can get you a meeting? Or do you have an opportunity to pitch to someone who works at CBS?

it's covered.

Are YOU pitching? Yes or no.

NOT. TRUE. For example, ME. It's still not clear of the tone... you are wildly all over the place. No Exec will follow... it's like Benson, Parks and Rec, Firefly, Farscape, and Wonderfalls....

a tone all it's own.

at this point, you're being coy.

I don't think coy means what you think it means.

I'm being pretty direct. And a tone all it's own... what does that MEAN. If you're pitching to me and you say, "it's got a tone all it's own, give me two million dollars..."

No, I would like to understand what I am buying.

am i currently scheduled to pitch, no
can i make it happen? pretty certain of it.

you're being coy. i know the definition.
perhaps not the most appropriate word in this case, but i'm using definition 3
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/coy


you're refusing to accept the answer i've presented, and then you mock it like you've got the answer to 'some scheme'.

good day.

 

[Maurice]

[Sylvester Jr.]"Boo hoo hoo. Oh, boo hoo hoo."[/Sylvester Jr.]

 

[Belz...]

Zekkie, take a deep breath. A lot of people are giving you sound advice, here.

then i intend to outdo him, by about 40 Emmy's. (noms, anyway)

Are you serious ? If so, you are going to be dissapointed, man. I think you should be more realistic, here. Listen to the people you present your ideas to.

My 2 cents: Trek works better as drama with _some_ humour in it, not comedy. And second:

like i said, this encompasses the expanded continuity of licensed productions.

...you're further restricting the number of people who, off the bat, would be interested in your idea, by stepping outside of even live-action canon. There aren't 20 million hard-line Trek fans in the world probably.

this series is a vehicle to tell the story of Kirk and Spock, if folks will read beyond a couple paragraphs.

I perused the whole thing. Remember I stopped at "comedy" on my first pass ? My guess is that a studio exec will stop after "Exploring the universe of throwaway lines and exposition .08".

Now, I disagree with some of your critics here that it can't work without Kirk and Spock. TNG proved that it can. But it proved that because it was a kick-ass show back then, with little that the viewer had to know about Trek because it was in a completely different time period. Can you say the same about yours ?

 

[SeerSGB]

1) NCIS, CSI, Reality TV, what ever is more interesing that some boring ass Star Trek show that has nothing to do with the movies

2) ooooh Facebook pages with a high friend count. So what you're a teenage girl? Way to hang your hat on a fading social media structure.

3) No, we don't give much in the way of the benefit of the doubt when you ASK FOR PEOPLE's opinion.

And some of us are are professional enough to 1) take criticism 2) Know not to post a uncontracted work on a public forum 3) Not act butthurt and defensive when people give their opinions. 4) Good job fucking over part of your marketing by getting negative comments and opinions before you've even sold it.

Hell, I have shit regged in the WGA-E. You know why I'm not going to discuss it here: cause I'm actually trying to make money with it. It's called professionalism and marketing. You don't post shit about treatments or concepts online till you've a contract in hand and a check in the bank--NDA not withstanding.

quite a professional response. good day.

Am I here in a professional capacity? Am I trying to market a concept or a treatment? Nope. What I am, however, is a member of this board posting a thread where the OP asked for honest feedback--which I'm giving.

 

[BillJ]

this has been a mob. entirely adversarial, and there is no good reason as to why...

This was my first post...

I stopped at COMEDY as well.

You can have comedy in Star Trek, but I don't think you can have Star Trek as a comedy.

There's nothing adversarial in it. Just my personal opinion on Star Trek as a comedy.

I'll be honest, by posting it here you've pretty much guaranteed that CBS will reject it.

And I'm sorry, I just don't see Star Trek as a work place comedy.

Nothing adversarial here. Just what I've learned about the business over the years by folks who have worked in it and books I've read.

In fairness, I took a few minutes and read it.

Umm...

It's not very good. It has way too many callbacks to other series and I found none of what was proposed particularly funny.

And you misspelled 'Constitution'.

EDIT: Plus, projects like Star Trek are usually developed 'in-house' by the company that owns the rights.

Took time to read it. Plus chime in that CBS usually develops such projects in house.

Because you've published it for everyone to see and to copy and then claim CBS stole their ideas.

Same reason authors don't like for folks to mention story ideas in the Trek Literature forum.

Plus, I would think CBS would like to keep the contents of any new Trek series from the public until they are ready to announce it.

Nothing adversarial here. Just conversing with another poster on why it might not be wise to make a project like this public.

If I scribbled an idea on the back of a napkin and registered it with the WGA, I'd have about as much of a chance of getting on air as this idea does.

Do you know how many people come through here with the same grand plan of producing a Star Trek series for CBS? Do you know how many have actually been successful?

Quoting the odds of this getting made and acknowledging that we've seen these grand plans before from other posters.

Because if I don't care about the concept, I'm not going to care about the characters or stories. I'm really not trying to be mean here, but you really need to go back to the drawing board.

This is just constructive criticism on my part.

There is just nothing that interests me in your proposal. First it's a workplace comedy about April and Colt (who seemed pretty young in The Cage so I'm not sure how that's suppose to work), then it's like a half-dozen other series, then it's a series about the evolution of Kirk and Spock. You're literally all over the place.

You need a "hook" that can sell the series and I simply don't see that "hook" in anything you've presented.

 

[zekkie]

[Sylvester Jr.]"Boo hoo hoo. Oh, boo hoo hoo."[/Sylvester Jr.]

not at all...

 

[SeerSGB]

this has been a mob. entirely adversarial, and there is no good reason as to why...

This was my first post...

I stopped at COMEDY as well.

You can have comedy in Star Trek, but I don't think you can have Star Trek as a comedy.

There's nothing adversarial in it. Just my personal opinion on Star Trek as a comedy.



Nothing adversarial here. Just what I've learned about the business over the years by folks who have worked in it and books I've read.



Took time to read it. Plus chime in that CBS usually develops such projects in house.



Nothing adversarial here. Just conversing with another poster on why it might not be wise to make a project like this public.

If I scribbled an idea on the back of a napkin and registered it with the WGA, I'd have about as much of a chance of getting on air as this idea does.

Do you know how many people come through here with the same grand plan of producing a Star Trek series for CBS? Do you know how many have actually been successful?

Quoting the odds of this getting made and acknowledging that we've seen these grand plans before from other posters.

Because if I don't care about the concept, I'm not going to care about the characters or stories. I'm really not trying to be mean here, but you really need to go back to the drawing board.

This is just constructive criticism on my part.

There is just nothing that interests me in your proposal. First it's a workplace comedy about April and Colt (who seemed pretty young in The Cage so I'm not sure how that's suppose to work), then it's like a half-dozen other series, then it's a series about the evolution of Kirk and Spock. You're literally all over the place.

You need a "hook" that can sell the series and I simply don't see that "hook" in anything you've presented.

What I've always been told (YMMV) is that if you can't sell your pitch in two sentences, you're pretty well fucked. You've got to have the ideal of what it is in your head, and sell them on that; not what it will be but what the core of the ideal is.

This is Asylum's Pitch Guidelines: It should be short and to the point -- only a couple of paragraphs of a few sentences each.

The OP in the thread, to long. And their's is a pretty common "golden rule".

 

[zekkie]

What I've always been told (YMMV) is that if you can't sell your pitch in two sentences, you're pretty well fucked. You've got to have the ideal of what it is in your head, and sell them on that; not what it will be but what the core of the ideal is.

if i ever have another concept, i'll only post the logline next time.

this is fleshed out, as well as parsed down to cover letters, synopses, etc to the appropriate persons.

 

[Professor Zoom]

am i currently scheduled to pitch, no
can i make it happen? pretty certain of it.

You should make it happen. It's the only way. If you can make it happen, that should be in your plan. Without a doubt.

you're being coy. i know the definition.
perhaps not the most appropriate word in this case, but i'm using definition 3
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/coy

Which #3?

3. Annoyingly unwilling to make a commitment.
or
3. evasive, esp in an annoying way
or
3. reluctant to reveal one's plans, make a commitment, or take a stand.

Because I'm pretty sure I'm asking you to make a commitment, and I don't think I'm being evasive and I have no plans to reveal... so...

Yeah, I'm not being coy. I'm certainly being demanding. That's for sure.

you're refusing to accept the answer i've presented, and then you mock it like you've got the answer to 'some scheme'.

I accept it as an answer. But it's not a GOOD answer. It's not an answer you can give to someone and they are going to take it seriously. And I have no idea what you mean that I have some "scheme."

I'm telling you the reality. You cannot go in and pitch Star Trek comedy saying it's like Benson and Parks and Rec--other than being workplace comedies, there is no similarity. It simply will not work. It will confuse rather than inform.

good day.

I'm actually trying to help. I get that you don't see it. But, seriously, put your ego aside for a moment, and sit in the chair of the person listening to your pitch. Pretend you are not a MEGA Star Trek fan, pretend that you get lots and lots of pitches, pretend that you are 30 years old.

 

[Belz...]

not a single question in this thread about my work into this, my characters or my stories.

I just don't think we're there yet.

indeed it's a big concept, but i'm attempting it.

Hey, more power to you, and I hope for you that you succeed. But in order to do so, in my opinion, you'll have quite a bit of, let's say, pragmatizing to do.

like i mentioned, i don't mind productive, warranted criticism. i've received no criticism but character attacks and equivocation.

Now that's a lie, Zekkie. We have pointed out that the format of your series is problematic, that the tone of your treatment gives the strong impression that this will not be directed at the general audience, and that you are over-prepared and over-hyped, but in the wrong way. That's not character attacks.

 

[SeerSGB]

What I've always been told (YMMV) is that if you can't sell your pitch in two sentences, you're pretty well fucked. You've got to have the ideal of what it is in your head, and sell them on that; not what it will be but what the core of the ideal is.

if i ever have another concept, i'll only post the logline next time.

this is fleshed out, as well as parsed down to cover letters, synopses, etc to the appropriate persons.

Don't even post that much. Do it not get it: You post NOTHING till you have a contract or a firm denial. NOTHING. That's the professional way of doing it.

If you haven't, invest in three books: Screenwriter's Bible, Screenplay: The Foundations of Screenwriting, The Complete Book of Scriptwriting Read 'em cover to cover and pay attention to the sections regarding the business side of things.

 

[zekkie]

am i currently scheduled to pitch, no
can i make it happen? pretty certain of it.

You should make it happen. It's the only way. If you can make it happen, that should be in your plan. Without a doubt.

you're being coy. i know the definition.
perhaps not the most appropriate word in this case, but i'm using definition 3
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/coy

Which #3?

3. Annoyingly unwilling to make a commitment.
or
3. evasive, esp in an annoying way
or
3. reluctant to reveal one's plans, make a commitment, or take a stand.

Because I'm pretty sure I'm asking you to make a commitment, and I don't think I'm being evasive and I have no plans to reveal... so...

Yeah, I'm not being coy. I'm certainly being demanding. That's for sure.

you're refusing to accept the answer i've presented, and then you mock it like you've got the answer to 'some scheme'.

I accept it as an answer. But it's not a GOOD answer. It's not an answer you can give to someone and they are going to take it seriously. And I have no idea what you mean that I have some "scheme."

I'm telling you the reality. You cannot go in and pitch Star Trek comedy saying it's like Benson and Parks and Rec--other than being workplace comedies, there is no similarity. It simply will not work. It will confuse rather than inform.

good day.

I'm actually trying to help. I get that you don't see it. But, seriously, put your ego aside for a moment, and sit in the chair of the person listening to your pitch. Pretend you are not a MEGA Star Trek fan, pretend that you get lots and lots of pitches, pretend that you are 30 years old.

i have plenty of pitches, i'm older than 30, and was a fan of the series as a kid and through highschool; took ten years off, came back to the franchise, and thought i'd give a series attempt a try. (as hobby, with the full intention of making it happen)

the only thing that bothers me in this thread, is the mischaracterization of what i presented (as well as me, personally) and belittlement of an effort.

 

[zekkie]

What I've always been told (YMMV) is that if you can't sell your pitch in two sentences, you're pretty well fucked. You've got to have the ideal of what it is in your head, and sell them on that; not what it will be but what the core of the ideal is.

if i ever have another concept, i'll only post the logline next time.

this is fleshed out, as well as parsed down to cover letters, synopses, etc to the appropriate persons.

Don't even post that much. Do it not get it: You post NOTHING till you have a contract or a firm denial. NOTHING. That's the professional way of doing it.

If you haven't invest in three books: Screenwriter's Bible, Screenplay: The Foundations of Screenwriting, The Complete Book of Scriptwriting Read 'em cover to cover and pay attention to the section regarding the business side of things.

i have 2 out of the three books.

and i don't do much 'by the book' outside of teleplay formatting. i understand that position, but it's not the end all of getting a pitch to screen.

 

[BillJ]

(as hobby, with the full intention of making it happen)

Either you're doing it or not.

the only thing that bothers me in this thread, is the mischaracterization of what i presented (as well as me, personally) and belittlement of an effort.

I saw none of this until you started holding your nose high in the air at the merest hint of criticism. You didn't want opinions, you wanted pats on the back.

 

[zekkie]

not a single question in this thread about my work into this, my characters or my stories.

I just don't think we're there yet.

indeed it's a big concept, but i'm attempting it.

Hey, more power to you, and I hope for you that you succeed. But in order to do so, in my opinion, you'll have quite a bit of, let's say, pragmatizing to do.

like i mentioned, i don't mind productive, warranted criticism. i've received no criticism but character attacks and equivocation.

Now that's a lie, Zekkie. We have pointed out that the format of your series is problematic, that the tone of your treatment gives the strong impression that this will not be directed at the general audience, and that you are over-prepared and over-hyped, but in the wrong way. That's not character attacks.

you and Maurice have been the fairest, but what i said still applies to the general atmosphere of the thread.

 

[SeerSGB]

if i ever have another concept, i'll only post the logline next time.

this is fleshed out, as well as parsed down to cover letters, synopses, etc to the appropriate persons.

Don't even post that much. Do it not get it: You post NOTHING till you have a contract or a firm denial. NOTHING. That's the professional way of doing it.

If you haven't invest in three books: Screenwriter's Bible, Screenplay: The Foundations of Screenwriting, The Complete Book of Scriptwriting Read 'em cover to cover and pay attention to the section regarding the business side of things.

i have 2 out of the three books.

and i don't do much 'by the book' outside of teleplay formatting. i understand that position, but it's not the end all of getting a pitch to screen.

1) The format exists for a reason, learn it, love it, use it.

2) You just ignored the part where I said pay attention to the sections about business.


And, here's one I just realized: You post online, some boards and serves can lay claim to your content. Better be real careful where you post it cause some TOS/EUA make it clear you transfer ownership of your posted content to the board/site.

 

[zekkie]

(as hobby, with the full intention of making it happen)

Either you're doing it or not.

the only thing that bothers me in this thread, is the mischaracterization of what i presented (as well as me, personally) and belittlement of an effort.

I saw none of this until you started holding your nose high in the air at the merest hint of criticism. You didn't want opinions, you wanted pats on the back.

no, i wanted constructive and fair criticism.

not snark and insinuation from the get-go.

 

[Professor Zoom]

i have plenty of pitches, i'm older than 30, and was a fan of the series as a kid and through highschool; took ten years off, came back to the franchise, and thought i'd give a series attempt a try. (as hobby, with the full intention of making it happen)

SIGH. I'm asking you to place yourself in role of the person you are pitching TO. Put on your acting cap. They are most likely going to be around 30, unless you know some REAL higher ups, they are most likely NOT going to care about Star Trek, and they are going to have heard a LOT of pitches that day, that week. NOW... how would you pitch to THAT person.

the only thing that bothers me in this thread, is the mischaracterization of what i presented (as well as me, personally) and belittlement of an effort.

Nothing has been mischaracterized. If ALL of us are seeing something that you are not, put your ego aside, and really LOOK and LISTEN to what we are saying.

 

[SeerSGB]

Case it point to my post above: Post your concept on startrek.com and CBS owns it:

6. User Submissions

Some of the Services may allow you to submit or transmit audio, video, text, or other materials (collectively, “User Submissions”) to or through the Services. When you provide User Submissions, you grant to CBS Interactive, its parent, subsidiaries, affiliates, and partners a non-exclusive, worldwide, royalty-free, fully sublicenseable license to use, distribute, edit, display, archive, publish, sublicense, perform, reproduce, make available, transmit, broadcast, sell, translate, and create derivative works of those User Submissions, and your name, voice, likeness and other identifying information where part of a User Submission, in any form, media, software, or technology of any kind now known or developed in the future, including, without limitation, for developing, manufacturing, and marketing products. You hereby waive any moral rights you may have in your User Submissions.

..

We respect your ownership of User Submissions. If you owned a User Submission before providing it to us, you will continue owning it after providing it to us, subject to any rights granted in the Terms and any access granted to others. If you delete a User Submission from the Services, our general license to that User Submission will end after a reasonable period of time required for the deletion to take full effect. However, the User Submission may still exist in our backup copies, which are not publicly available. If your User Submission is shared with third parties, those third parties may have retained copies of your User Submissions. In addition, if we made use of your User Submission before you deleted it, we will continue to have the right to make, duplicate, redistribute, and sublicense those pre-existing uses, even after you delete the User Submission. Terminating your account on a Service will not automatically delete your User Submissions.

You see why the professionals and the people that are serious don't discuss this stuff online?

 

[BillJ]

Anyone remember Star Trek: Cardinal?

http://startrekcardinal.com/Home_Page.html