Hey, everybody. I need to vent. Apologies. And thanks.

[Quinton O'Connor]

Met a girl on the internet seven years ago. Wonderful lass. Didn't want to do the whole long-distance thing. Kept trying to make things work with someone else at the time, too. For years she watched me from afar. Loved me from afar.

In 2007, after a string of really shitty events, I took off from this state and traveled for a couple of years. I just... traveled. Shoestring budget to say the least. I could fill a whole thread with how I made that happen, but here it's just setup, not body. So nevermind the details.

Along the way, I wound up meeting this girl. I always knew she had feelings for me, but it wasn't until I met her that I fell head over heels for her. We got a place together for a while. I met her parents. They loved me from the start. We moved back down here with the intention of going to college with her parents' blessing; you see, they're kind of rich as hell, and recognized that my poor upbringing prohibited me from much in the way of opportunity, so they offered it all to me in exchange for keeping their daughter happy and in school. (You see, she tried college once at 18 and wasn't ready. But with me, they figured, she would be.)

And they were right. For a while. Everything went well. Circumstances caused us to wait far longer than we had originally planned to start things up, but start things up we did. 2012 was in many ways my best year to-date for some time, because I was finally fulfilling my dream of going to college. If my grandmother (she raised me; she died in 2005) were around, she'd be so happy. So happy. She didn't have much, but she always wanted me to find a way.

I'm sure anyone reading can see where this story is headed. I have a medical condition, I guess. I've never liked to really admit it, but I have serious issues. I bottle myself up. I turn into a shell. And for the first time in my life someone loved me so, so very much and was my partner in all things, and I... blew it. I turned into a shell off and on for over a year, and it just... nuked her feelings for me. Turns out, you say "no" enough times (in multiple situations; I'm sure you can fill in the blanks, I assure you, most logical theories apply) and eventually, the other person says "no" right on back.

We had a cat. We never wanted children, but we had a cat. Beautiful thing. Our daughter in some ways. She cuddled up between us every night without fail. Without fail.

I had stability. Never before did I know what that felt like. And before the end, I fell madly in love with her again. I'll spare you the details on how it all went down, but suffice it to say, she made a mistake, owned up to me about it, promised me she still loved me, and I said one too many hurtful things and those last lingering feelings of hers to me, clinging on in hope that I would straighten up, popped like a balloon.

I don't have the cat anymore. I don't have the home anymore -- it was in her father's name and she feels awkward about sharing a small, cramped space with me right now, and I understand that. We were so close, you see. When I let us be so close. Heh.

I don't have the cat, the home, the stability. School starts Monday morning and I haven't even figured out quite how to get out there yet. I may have to drop a semester; I don't have a place to go. I've been down this road before, ages ago, before her. When I left the state, you see, for I had nothing and I desired... something. I came back with that something, with her. It's gone now and I feel so empty inside. So hollow, so helpless.

Thanks for listening. I don't expect any sagely advice, just... thanks for listening.

 

[RevdKathy]

No sagely advice, just a hug. You don't need someone who's read a few paragraphs pontificating on the whole of your life.

Hang in there. If you can, get help with the Stuff that gets in the way of a proper relationship, if it's just learning how to tell important people what you do before it happens so they're prepared. And don't lose hope.

*hugs*

 

[Australis]

At least you know what the problem is. Time to climb out of the shell. Seek help. There are answers out there, even couples therapy. It sounds like you still have feelings for her - fight to get her back.

 

[JarodRussell]

To put things in perspective, I have to ask how old you are?

 

[gturner]

To put things in perspective, I have to ask how old you are?

He's finally had a girlfriend and a rough patch and posts on a Star Trek board, so I'd guess mid-50's.

*Looks at all the other members*

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

No sagely advice, just a hug. You don't need someone who's read a few paragraphs pontificating on the whole of your life.

Hang in there. If you can, get help with the Stuff that gets in the way of a proper relationship, if it's just learning how to tell important people what you do before it happens so they're prepared. And don't lose hope.

*hugs*

Hey... thanks a bunch. I need all the hugs I can get right now. You're right, and my now-ex told me the same thing the other day. Learn from it.

But damn, I want to show her and only her I learned from it. Time heals, but it's hard to see this one ever fully healing. I guess it won't, really, and I have to accept that.

*hugs*

At least you know what the problem is. Time to climb out of the shell. Seek help. There are answers out there, even couples therapy. It sounds like you still have feelings for her - fight to get her back.

I so desperately want to follow this advice, but I knew what the problem was during those last, tenuous few weeks when she said she couldn't promise me the feelings would return, and I fought so hard, and... nothing. Literally nothing -- she feels horrible for the nothing. She knows as well as I do how great we were in our prime together, and she knows what losing her is doing to me. It hurts her, too.

Ironically, though, right before I came back here to check my thread just now, I sent her a text saying that if she ever has a change of heart, the first things I want to look into are meds and couples therapy. Certainly at least the couples therapy. So I dunno... maybe it's a sign. I hate... saying that, because I don't really believe in "signs" in the sense that many people tend to mean by that. But... whatever, hope is hope.

But I know she is 100% incapable of reciprocating right now, and I know I could damage things further if I try too hard at the moment. I told her I'd do my best to move on, despite the odds being so stacked against me financially, emotionally, right now. And that someday... someday I'll ask her to give me another chance. When she's healed. When I've healed. I will do that. I can't not do that.

To put things in perspective, I have to ask how old you are?

25 as of a few days ago.

To put things in perspective, I have to ask how old you are?

He's finally had a girlfriend and a rough patch and posts on a Star Trek board, so I'd guess mid-50's.

*Looks at all the other members*

Haha.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this, Jeff. I hope you can find a way to fix yourself and get your life back on track soon.

 

[mimic]

My advice would be to join meetup.com and look around for groups that interests you. Check some out and if there's one you really like go regularly. Stay busy, keep your mind off things, and make some friends.

Also I'd recommend cutting off all contact with her for several months. Wait until you're in a place where you feel decent about yourself and your life. Until then you're probably just torturing yourself.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Jeff.

Ironically, though, right before I came back here to check my thread just now, I sent her a text saying that if she ever has a change of heart, the first things I want to look into are meds and couples therapy. Certainly at least the couples therapy.

I suggest that you not wait for her to have a change of heart. Look into individual therapy and maybe meds. Do it for yourself, not just for the relationship.

 

[Gaith]

My advice would be to join meetup.com and look around for groups that interests you. Check some out and if there's one you really like go regularly. Stay busy, keep your mind off things, and make some friends.

Also I'd recommend cutting off all contact with her for several months. Wait until you're in a place where you feel decent about yourself and your life. Until then you're probably just torturing yourself.

This, 100%. As a rule, I've got zero sympathy for guys who mistreat women, but if you've got legitimate mental health issues, that might carve out a solitary exception.

That said, while I can't honestly wish you success in getting her back without knowing both of you/the situation far more than is my business, I absolutely agree that your best chance of doing so and your best path to self-improvement is to put distance between the two of you, and work on yourself in other ways. There's no need to be mysterious about it, either. Tell her what you're doing, and give her a firm date you won't contact her at all beforehand (five months sounds good to me). If you honor that promise, and grow significantly in the intervening time, you just might have a shot.

And, to be honest, she deserves some time off from you, also. Because the fact that you deserve to be free of mental health impediments does not in of itself mean that you deserve to be with her.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this, Jeff. I hope you can find a way to fix yourself and get your life back on track soon.

Thanks, man.

My advice would be to join meetup.com and look around for groups that interests you. Check some out and if there's one you really like go regularly. Stay busy, keep your mind off things, and make some friends.

Also I'd recommend cutting off all contact with her for several months. Wait until you're in a place where you feel decent about yourself and your life. Until then you're probably just torturing yourself.

meetup.com is a great idea. I'll look into it as soon as I feel like I'm ready. I never would have thought of something like that, so thanks.

And... you're probably right. She wants to remain friends, but that might still be for the best. For what you've said and for what Gaith said as well.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Jeff.

Ironically, though, right before I came back here to check my thread just now, I sent her a text saying that if she ever has a change of heart, the first things I want to look into are meds and couples therapy. Certainly at least the couples therapy.

I suggest that you not wait for her to have a change of heart. Look into individual therapy and maybe meds. Do it for yourself, not just for the relationship.

Thank you, Tora. *hugs* Thanks for being there for me, it means a lot. I will do so, I promise.

Whoops, I failed to multiquote Gaith's message. One sec.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

My advice would be to join meetup.com and look around for groups that interests you. Check some out and if there's one you really like go regularly. Stay busy, keep your mind off things, and make some friends.

Also I'd recommend cutting off all contact with her for several months. Wait until you're in a place where you feel decent about yourself and your life. Until then you're probably just torturing yourself.

This, 100%. As a rule, I've got zero sympathy for guys who mistreat women, but if you've got legitimate mental health issues, that might carve out a solitary exception.

That said, while I can't honestly wish you success in getting her back without knowing both of you/the situation far more than is my business, I absolutely agree that your best chance of doing so and your best path to self-improvement is to put distance between the two of you, and work on yourself in other ways. There's no need to be mysterious about it, either. Tell her what you're doing, and give her a firm date you won't contact her at all beforehand (five months sounds good to me). If you honor that promise, and grow significantly in the intervening time, you just might have a shot.

And, to be honest, she deserves some time off from you, also. Because the fact that you deserve to be free of mental health impediments does not in of itself mean that you deserve to be with her.

Thanks, man. She insists I didn't mistreat her, but I did. I very clearly did, in that I wasn't there for her as she needed me to be. As we needed me to be.

She deserves time off from me for sure. I will honor that for her if she so desires. I'm asking her now; we were talking on Skype, anyway.

 

[Bob Karo]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Jeff.

Ironically, though, right before I came back here to check my thread just now, I sent her a text saying that if she ever has a change of heart, the first things I want to look into are meds and couples therapy. Certainly at least the couples therapy.

I suggest that you not wait for her to have a change of heart. Look into individual therapy and maybe meds. Do it for yourself, not just for the relationship.

This.

You can't use your own health as a bargaining chip.

 

[Bob Karo]

repeater

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Jeff.

Ironically, though, right before I came back here to check my thread just now, I sent her a text saying that if she ever has a change of heart, the first things I want to look into are meds and couples therapy. Certainly at least the couples therapy.

I suggest that you not wait for her to have a change of heart. Look into individual therapy and maybe meds. Do it for yourself, not just for the relationship.

This.

You can't use your own health as a bargaining chip.

Okay.

 

[Gary7]

Jeff, it's hard to really offer advice that will help you, because there are several things at work which make it difficult: your age (25) and your psychological condition. Age is a tricky thing. I so clearly remember myself at that age. I remember how I saw the world and how hard it was to understand the sagely advice given to me by people much older. As someone who is now older, I can say that I truly understand and appreciate what that advice was... and had I followed it, I probably would have had more "beneficial" life circumstances as a consequence.

What I lacked, though, was someone who could help communicate to me this nuance of life perspective. How it changes over time. How we have the potential to become so much wiser as we age, as the physiological changes wear off from transitioning to full adulthood (puberty isn't on/off... it stays with you through most of your 20's).

So, if there's anything I can offer to you, it's try try REALLY HARD to keep an open mind and be receptive to the advice presented to you. Don't be afraid to give it full consideration. It sounds to me like you've got some really good smarts in your head, but that you've got some emotional baggage that is hampering your ability to live life to its fullest.

EDUCATION. You have an opportunity to earn a college degree. Despite the fact that many college graduates today are scratching their heads in mystification of not being able to find jobs, this will definitely change as the economy improves (which it will--it is inevitable). Having a degree is an asset, no matter how you look at it. One of the key reasons why: knowledge and wisdom. The more you learn, the more material you have to work with. Even information that doesn't seem to apply to your life at present. Everything is useful in some way. It helps build the mental model that we carry with us through our entire life journey. The more complete that model is, the wiser we are at making decisions and choices, thus opening up more possibilities for living life to the fullest. Also, when you're in the work force and busy with life, it's harder to go back to school. So, the earlier you get your academic credentials, the better.

TIME. It goes by so damned bloody fast. You'll be 30 before you know it. Then 35. Then 40. Then 50. And then you'll think to yourself, where the hell did the time go? So, make the most of your time in your youth. Because that's the time when you have the most stamina and greatest flexibility to take blows and roll with it. When you get older, you tend to run out of steam faster and break instead of bend. You can help belay that by living well (I've been lucky enough to do so), but if you don't that stuff catches up with you quick.


I could say more, but I don't want to start rambling. I just wanted to relay a couple of useful points that I think might help you. I wish you much luck, Jeff.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

Wow... thank you, Gary. I really am listening to your advice. It means so much to me for you to offer it. I've spoken with some friends, and while I'm too far from campus to attend regularly, I'll be switching to mostly online courses. Going to head to school in the next two days to speak with advisors about that. Education... I hope to have it covered despite my status as a wreck right now.

And time... I feel like, at 25, I am already beginning to see that rapidity. I was 20 just yesterday, I swear it. That's a huge, huge factor in my forcing myself to go on, because you're right. I'll be 30... tomorrow.

Thank you so much, Gary.

 

[Shanndee]

I'm really late to this thread...but I think Gary7 gave you some really solid advice and I'm glad to see how open you are to receiving it.

I'll add my voice to all of the others telling you to make sure that you take care of your health and take the steps necessary to help yourself heal.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope things get better for you soon. ((hug))

 

[sidious618]

Gary just gave some of the best advice I've seen on here. Well done.

Feel better, man.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

I'm really late to this thread...but I think Gary7 gave you some really solid advice and I'm glad to see how open you are to receiving it.

I'll add my voice to all of the others telling you to make sure that you take care of your health and take the steps necessary to help yourself heal.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope things get better for you soon. ((hug))

Thanks, Shanndee. I'll do it... yeah, I will. I'll take care of myself first and foremost. I'm not really looking forward to going to campus tomorrow and speaking with an advisor about switching things up so drastically, I mean, I was really looking forward to this semester's courses and all, but... there's always tomorrow. And right now, going to those classes with her wouldn't be all that healthy for either of us. She needs time; I need time.

Gary just gave some of the best advice I've seen on here. Well done.

Feel better, man.

Thank you.

Took Gaith advice, although we decided not to set an arbitrary date. That could change if one of us feels like we should, but she just wants me to reach the point whereby I can approach her as a friend first before anything else transpires. And she assured me, she can't see into the future; perhaps starting again from the very beginning, the building blocks, the simplest of relationships, could one day rekindle her feelings toward me.

So, it's a goal. It's not something I should put front-and-center -- you're all right, my health, my wellbeing needs to be addressed first and foremost. I'm still in that zone where a huge chunk of me wants to connect those statements with being with her, but I have to let go for now.

I know, heh.