Hey, everybody. I need to vent. Apologies. And thanks.

[Gary7]

I'm happy to know that you found what I said to be helpful for you Jeff, and thanks to Shanndee and sidious for being supportive. I'm very glad to hear that she's being a supportive friend and also keeping an open mind. It's so important for her to be aware of the context of things. The true friends we come to know in life are those who won't judge us as the drop of a hat, who can look past obstacles and struggles to see us for who we truly are.

 

[JarodRussell]

And then again, you are just 25. For most 25-year-olds life hasn't even begun yet, and you talk like you're about to end it. That original post makes you seem like you think you're already 50 and like you're bearing all the problems of the entire world on your shoulders. That's, in short, nonsense. I was like that when I was 20, and today I look back and laugh about it because it was ridiculous.

 

[Scout101]

Go to college as much as you can, try not to make excuses for why you can't. It'll be good to get out there and interact with people. Don't be stalker-ish with the ex, give her space in the classes, but GO to the classes.

Seeing you doing alright on your own my help your process with her.

Worst case, it'll seperate your college experience from being 100% dependent on her. it'll either work out, or you'll be in an environment where you can meet other people, and maybe it'll work out with the next girl.

less with the big deep thoughts, and more just live a little and enjoy things. The rest will sort itself out.

But if you can at all help it, don't just sit home and try and do the classes online. Cheapens the experience, you're not getting the social part of college, and you're just gonna sit there alone and obsess about her, which isn't going to help the situation...

 

[JarodRussell]

I recently opened a thread about letting go. And that would be my advice. Let go and forget about her.

Because:

Seeing you doing alright on your own my help your process with her.

is the wrong motivation. Do alright on your own for your own sake. Don't turn her into your only hope for normal life.

 

[marillion]

^^ This is important information... I'm the WORST person to ask about letting it go, but there are elements here that you NEED to listen too..

Ok.. So your ultimate goal is to be well and thereby have a chance with her again... That's cool... But JR is right that you have to be well for YOU...

I have had bottling and anger issues all my life.. Do you know what it's like to be angry all the time and have zero ability to release it? Therapy arrived too late and while it helped with my abilities to deal with stress and anger, the process was already in place that led to me and my wife separating... I was back in the house for financial reasons 6 months later but things are better now, even though it's still an ongoing process..

The point is that you need to be decisive and make some moves now or you will NEVER have a meaningful relationship, with this girl or any.. And if you don't take some steps to get over her now, every single relationship you have in the future will be compared to her.. And no one wants to play second fiddle to a memory...

So, even though you want to ultimately be with her, you need to make sure you can deal with life as a whole, without her.

Good luck, man... It's a tough journey you have ahead, but you don't have to walk it alone... Get some non-medicated help if you can and seek out a cognitive behavioral therapist... I can't reccommend that strongly enough.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

I find it very positive that you separated not in ill spirits but on good terms, rather. Even though you might not find back to a relationship again, you might have layed the foundation for a friendship. That's not to be underrated. In my experience, friendships tend to keep longer and stronger than romantic relationships.

You are both still young and it's perhaps early days to restrict yourself to each other. There are many fish in the sea and it is very likely that one day you'll both find a different partner.

In my opinion you are not the only one to blame for the problems in your relationship. Your ex fell for you when she was only a teenager and first loves/relationships scarcely hold up to the harsh facts of real life. She saw you not the way you are but the way she would have liked you to be. And quite possibly you did the same. That's nothing to be ashamed of as it happens to everyone. It takes years to realize that our lives and our SOs aren't what we want them to be but what they happen to be and that we have to accept that fact and make the best of it. Then we'll also be able to live with our partners' smaller and larger flaws.

What's important is to realize one's own mistakes and not repeat them. And that's exactly what you are doing now. Highly unusual in someone so young

 

[MANT!]

Guns and Hard Liquor or is it Hard Liquor and Guns...

Seriously..
only advice I can provide is for you to know and LOVE yourself before you get into another relationship..

And that can take a while..

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

Thank you, everyone. She's proud of me, too. She made a Mass Effect in-joke while telling me so, which sorta reminded me of the fact that our interests are so similar (I got her into Star Trek, in related news...) that it's currently hard to hold onto a happy thought, because all my interests became our interests.

I've read about people saying that after separating, so I know it's not a me thing. It happens with a lot of people, and I just happen to be one of them now. It will definitely take some time before I can really enjoy many of the things I enjoyed, though. Oh well.

Some of the advice I came back to here tonight is really relevant to this particular moment, in fact, as I just woke up a short while ago from terrible nightmares involving her. In the first one, she tried telling me she wanted me back, but somehow all I had to respond with was a keyboard which notified me of who was trying to contact me and their initial intent (or something). I scrambled to type back, but I couldn't know whether or not she received it, or how she felt. I guess this nightmare is rather self-explanatory; actually, they've all been, lately. Very blatant.

The point is, I guess I need all the reminders I can get right now that I need to carry on for me, not specifically for future attempts at a relationship with her.

 

[marillion]

^^ Bingo... But you also have to realize that all the reminders in the world aren't going to help unless YOU are mentally ready to do so... It's like going on a diet.. You know you need to get into shape and that the crap you're eating is killing you.. But if you're not mentally prepared to make a lifestyle change, you're not going to be able to pass up that bag of chips at the gas station or order a salad instead of a burger...

Get in the right mental focus and carry on!

 

[Gary7]

The other thing is, as others have pointed out about being young, it's very hard to really know what you want at age 25. This is why so few people who get married at that age don't last, these days (in the past, people had far more social impetus to stay together and work things out--this has changed dramatically since the 1970's). I remember being in love with a particular girl in my mid 20's. At that point in time, loss feels so much more severe than it actually is. We idolize our love interests and feel like we'll never find anyone quite like this again. WRONG. The trouble is, when you're immersed in it, it's so very hard to see beyond the scope. But rest assured, trying too hard to keep something only makes it slip away that much easier. Take the butterfly proverb, about letting it go... if it comes back to you, it's yours. Otherwise, move on. You've plenty of potential in life to forge other relationships and the odds are that as you become more of an adult, you'll know what you don't want and make better choices. You've got a great friend in this girl... and an early love interest can become friendship, if both people share the same understanding, of not longing to be romantically entangled and putting the friendship as what matters most.