When subtlety runs into density very little makes it through
(ETA: that's not a dig at your date story, just a general musing on the tenor of this thread.)
What's the point...
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When subtlety runs into density very little makes it through
(ETA: that's not a dig at your date story, just a general musing on the tenor of this thread.)
Trekker, I've said this before and I'll say it again. You need to make changes in your life. Find hobbies. Meet new people and make friends. Try something new. Determine what changes you need to make, and make them! The change has to start in you.
It does seem like you haven't tried any of these things, hence you're still in the same exact position. Inaction is a decision to stay stuck in a rut.
I wish you well, truly, but it gets very frustrating watching someone who is miserable yet refuses to fix things/make changes. Do you think things will resolve themselves? Do you think someone is going to provide the magical answer that solves everything? Neither is going to happen!
Mr Awe
It does seem like you haven't tried any of these things, hence you're still in the same exact position. Inaction is a decision to stay stuck in a rut.
I wish you well, truly, but it gets very frustrating watching someone who is miserable yet refuses to fix things/make changes. Do you think things will resolve themselves? Do you think someone is going to provide the magical answer that solves everything? Neither is going to happen!
Mr Awe
Trekker, you do need to express these emotions but doing so on a BBS will not help. If you don't have a close personal confidant, I'd highly recommend finding a therapist who you can talk it over with. You are recognizing the need to discuss these things but yet you aren't talking to someone who can actually help you sort it out.
Mr Awe
Trekker, OK, I get that you don't do subtle signals. But, you know, it's really easy just to point fingers, and blame others. A righteous, "how was I supposed to know?!"
Well, ask yourself, how was SHE suppposed to know too. Did you make any attempt? I'm sure you didn't.
I'm not trying to come down on you. But, you need to see that it's not a one-sided case where the world is against you. There are things that you can do to change things. The crush situation is just one example.
You could do what you ended up doing, getting pissed after the fact. Or, you could've just tried talking to her at the time!
I didn't realize that you were seeing a psychiatrist, that is great. Keep at it!
Mr Awe
I used to be suicidal, but then I took an arrow to the knee.
Internet message boards are always reliable to go wrong.
So, the core problem here is that you find nothing worth living for unless someone loves you. Problem is, no one's going to love you until you love yourself first. It's a cliche but it's true. I've seen how relationships go where one or both parties have major issues with self-confidence and self-esteem and so forth. It doesn't end well. Even if you did get into a relationship now, it probably wouldn't last long no matter how well-intentioned and patient your partner was. No one can fix you--you have to do the heavy lifting of fixing yourself.
If the drugs aren't helping, seek out something else. If the therapy is helping, stick with it--if not, find another therapist or a different outlet. Complacency is the enemy.
Have you ever tried to take an honest assessment of yourself to write out the things that are good about you? For fuck's sake, even I see that you have some good qualities. You seem to be good at your job--diligent and conscientious. It sounds like you treat your customers well. You've gone through some shit and you're still alive. You're intelligent and even funny. And hey, you have decent taste in TV shows (sometimes.)
But I'm serious about making a list of good things about yourself. Be honest and don't leave anything out. Remind yourself what those good qualities are when you start to think there's nothing to like about you. That may sound silly, but self-talk is a good way to build up your confidence and convince yourself that you're a worthwhile person. Seriously, you are hardly the worst person I've ever encountered, and much worse people than you get dates. Your poor luck in that department isn't because you're a bad person or a worthless person, it's more that you don't give people a reason to be interested in you.
I've noticed the way you participate in discussions around here is to all but ignore what everyone else says, say your own piece, and then not really discuss it. Someone posts about having relationship problems, and you'll come in with, "I wish I could even have a relationship," and then ramble on about how horrible you are. If you do this in real life it's no wonder women are repulsed. You don't have to be Rico fucking Suave, just pay attention to what people are saying and don't dump all your shit on them. You can acknowledge your faults without making them the only thing people ever know about you.
Also, this!
And this!
Oh my God, learn to multiquote!
GemHaters
Captain
Ugh, I know exactly how you feel. I've been hovering between severe depression and suicide for a good four years now. As much as Religion comes into play in my decision not to kill myself, I'd honestly say the biggest reason I haven't is because I never give up on anything, least of all life. If you feel like things couldn't get any worse, remember a few things...You can only go so far down before you have to start rising again, there are plenty of people out there that know exactly how you feel you just have to find them, and nothing is worth ending your life for. It would be selfish to put those around you in as much pain as you are feeling yourself. But, I really do know how you feel...You just have to hang in there.
ed629
Rear Admiral
Why dwell on what could of been? Work on the what could be. And take a chance, take several chances. If you meet a girl you like, just ask her. The worst she could do is say no.... or laugh, or pepper spray you. But at least you got an answer. If she's not interested then meet someone else.
This. Absolutely. To be honest, up until last year, looking back was literally killing me. I had to stop and face forward. Those missed chances? They're gone and NEVER coming back. So I'm not looking back to them either.
Trekker, you mentioned you're already seeing a psychiatrist and taking meds for your depression. I, too, have been on an anti-depressant medicine for years (mostly for my anxiety). But sometimes I still can't help feeling stressed out, anxious, or just overwhelmed by everyday things.
When it gets to that point, I've found that meditation really helps me focus and find a balance. When I first went through depression several years ago, my former boss was a very thoughtful and supportive person who recommended meditation to me. You find a quiet place to sit down and focus on your breathing and clearing your mind. There are different variations, Qi Gong being one of them. She and my other lady friend were also very much into Eastern philosophy. Although I'm a Christian by faith, there's much wisdom you can find from reading books by the Dalai Lama. I believe there's one called the Art of Happiness. You can do tai chi and yoga as well, which are both beneficial to the mind and body.
I would echo what someone else suggested about finding a hobby, something you are or would be interested in. It would help you focus your mind and energy on keeping busy and being creative at the same time, e.g., arts and crafts, taking pictures, collecting coins or other items, etc.
You mentioned you've given up on relationships. I can sort of relate to this, but then again, my situation is a bit different. I was a "late bloomer" to begin with, and when I started dating, I was in my early 20s and haven't been in a relationship since then. I'm totally OK with it. Perhaps what you need to do is not actively seek out a romantic relationship. Just try to focus on meeting people for now--going to social events, volunteering, networking. Two of my best friends in the whole world are happy living by themselves. I've mentioned this before--one's a bachelor in his 70s and the other is a divorced woman in her mid-60s, all happy with family life and being independent.
Life can be beautiful, too, if you focus your energy and attention outwards instead of focusing on your needs. I'm diabetic, I've got a host of health conditions, and just yesterday was diagnosed with Posner-Schlossman. But I'm trying to stay positive. We only have one life, and it's too short. Better make the most out of it while you can.
When it gets to that point, I've found that meditation really helps me focus and find a balance. When I first went through depression several years ago, my former boss was a very thoughtful and supportive person who recommended meditation to me. You find a quiet place to sit down and focus on your breathing and clearing your mind. There are different variations, Qi Gong being one of them. She and my other lady friend were also very much into Eastern philosophy. Although I'm a Christian by faith, there's much wisdom you can find from reading books by the Dalai Lama. I believe there's one called the Art of Happiness. You can do tai chi and yoga as well, which are both beneficial to the mind and body.
I would echo what someone else suggested about finding a hobby, something you are or would be interested in. It would help you focus your mind and energy on keeping busy and being creative at the same time, e.g., arts and crafts, taking pictures, collecting coins or other items, etc.
You mentioned you've given up on relationships. I can sort of relate to this, but then again, my situation is a bit different. I was a "late bloomer" to begin with, and when I started dating, I was in my early 20s and haven't been in a relationship since then. I'm totally OK with it. Perhaps what you need to do is not actively seek out a romantic relationship. Just try to focus on meeting people for now--going to social events, volunteering, networking. Two of my best friends in the whole world are happy living by themselves. I've mentioned this before--one's a bachelor in his 70s and the other is a divorced woman in her mid-60s, all happy with family life and being independent.
Life can be beautiful, too, if you focus your energy and attention outwards instead of focusing on your needs. I'm diabetic, I've got a host of health conditions, and just yesterday was diagnosed with Posner-Schlossman. But I'm trying to stay positive. We only have one life, and it's too short. Better make the most out of it while you can.
I'm fully aware that I'm wasting my time when I type this, but, God damn, this shit coming from you pisses me off.
Life doesn't just happen to you. You make life happen.
You're defining your entire existence by the lack of being in a relationship. "Because I don't have X, life sucks." All that guarantees is an endlessly repeating cycle of self-defeatism.
You think that if you found the right woman, everything else would fall into place for you. But it doesn't work that way. If you can't be happy without a woman in your life, then you're never going to be happy. You need to actually deal with the shit you don't like in your life and mind your own backyard before you even think about being involved in someone else's, because otherwise all you'll wind up doing is causing pain to another human being when you inevitably melt down because you haven't actually worked to address your own issues. To refuse to do so and instead focus on having a woman in your life isn't just foolish, it's arrogant.
Antidepressants aren't a magical cure-all -- even therapy isn't a magical cure-all. Life doesn't improve on its own, it improves because you make your situation better. But the most infuriating part of this is that you steadfastly refuse to even attempt to improve yourself. You say, "No, clubs don't work for me, this doesn't work for me, that doesn't work for me, so it's not worth trying anymore." And so you sit there, acting as though you're some special flower for whom nothing in the world works. And yet you think you're going to be some prized catch for a woman when you have no will to actually do anything with your life?
Volunteer at the Humane Society. Help out Habitat for Humanity. Join a service organization like the Jaycees or Rotary. Try a rec league. Take up gardening. For the love of God, do something instead of going to work, watching TV and DVDs, and then posting about it on a message board. Your rut is one of your own creation, and you'll be stuck in it until you actually do something proactive and address it.
Pick any post in this thread, they all said the same thing. Hell, pick any of the last dozen of these threads from Trekker, you'll get to the same place.
In fact, I propose that next time, instead of repeating ourselves, we respond with links from previous threads!
Will admit that it's a bit disappointing that even though some of us still bother to turn out for yet another pity party, Trekker barely participates in the threads himself anymore. Even though we know the advice will be ignored, it's frustrating to feel that they're actually being IGNORED, instead of not acted upon. Should be a rule that if you want to make a thread all about yourself, you'd damned well better particpate in it!
In fact, I propose that next time, instead of repeating ourselves, we respond with links from previous threads!
Will admit that it's a bit disappointing that even though some of us still bother to turn out for yet another pity party, Trekker barely participates in the threads himself anymore. Even though we know the advice will be ignored, it's frustrating to feel that they're actually being IGNORED, instead of not acted upon. Should be a rule that if you want to make a thread all about yourself, you'd damned well better particpate in it!
Okay, but his avatar really creeps me out.
List of suggested hobbies (that may have some therapeutic effect)
1. Painting - oil, water color, finger painting
2. Drawing/Sketching
3. Sculpting/Pottery
4. Writing/Journaling/Blogging
5. Photography
6. Building model cars
7. Puzzles - 3D, etc.
8. Knitting, Crocheting
9. Baking/Cake Decorating
I imagine it doesn't take a lot of money to buy art supplies at Michael's or other craft stores, and such activities can be rewarding. Sometimes these stores offer how-to classes and seminars. Or go to a community college, learn a foreign language, challenge yourself, and broaden your horizons while meeting new people. If you have a job, you can at least afford to pay for some of these things.
1. Painting - oil, water color, finger painting
2. Drawing/Sketching
3. Sculpting/Pottery
4. Writing/Journaling/Blogging
5. Photography
6. Building model cars
7. Puzzles - 3D, etc.
8. Knitting, Crocheting
9. Baking/Cake Decorating
I imagine it doesn't take a lot of money to buy art supplies at Michael's or other craft stores, and such activities can be rewarding. Sometimes these stores offer how-to classes and seminars. Or go to a community college, learn a foreign language, challenge yourself, and broaden your horizons while meeting new people. If you have a job, you can at least afford to pay for some of these things.
I've my emotional problems and sometimes they just need to be expressed in a way that's hard to do with friends, family and even my therapist. It's more of an "airing of the grievances" than it is any seek for help. All I mostly require are sympathetic ears (eyes) and not much else, advice is naturally welcome but as mentioned it's nothing I've not seen before, I've heard and realize all of it and... well, for me, I don't see it as that easy to "just change." It's not like changing pants.
ed629
Rear Admiral
This is one I really think he should try... this week one of my profs asked to apply for a program at the school I'm going to. They have one of the people who is involved in the program looking for someone who is interested in the same field I want to achieve a PhD in. If I'm accepted, and I have several factors in my favor, I would not only have my tuition paid for, but I would also receive a $2500 stipend per month, and an additional smaller stipend of around $300 per month, for 2 years, then if I choose to do so another one for 4 years that is $3000 per month.
I almost didn't go back to school.. and now currently my school is paid for, and I'm also being paid to go to school as well.
Most people on this board see, hear, and know what you're going through, Trekker. Realize that when you vent, people will give you their two cents whether you like it or not, but don't take things personally when they do.
Years ago, some people got on my ass when I said, "Take it with a grain of salt" one too many times. Now I understand why. Because it gets annoying and repetitive.
Grain of salt, grain of salt!
I'd recommend another therapist.
My understanding is that therapy isn't magic and doesn't work in a short amount of time. The therapist I have not I really like, she's just opening a lot of flood gates.
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