Ending a friendship

[Bisz]

I think I'm with the majority here, unless things actually went sour between you two, there is no reason to get bent out of shape if a friend drifted out of your life for a while and is now trying to reconnect in some small way.

I'll be honest, by what you have said so far it seems to me like something bad did happen, or at least that you perceive something bad as happening between you two. If thats the case and you aren't sharing it here that is of course none of our business, but I think that if you look at people's responses in this thread you will see that from what you have told us, most people don't get your POV.

From my personal experience I can tell you that I am very glad my friends didn't react to me the way you are reacting to this person. I had a bunch of high school buddies I lost touch with because I was very busy at work. We were out of touch for I would say five to six years. Finally earlier this year I decided to focus a lot less on work and a lot more on my personal life and I am very glad we were able to pick up our friendships exactly where we left off. I went to their wedding, we've gone out golfing and drinking, we had a Christmas party, we got together for New Years, etc.

 

[smiki]

I forgot to respond to this, but yes, I do delete contacts when I haven't heard from them in a while. I purge my address book and Facebook page quite regularly.

Hmm... why haven't you purged her then?
I mean, maybe you still care, just don't wanna admit it?

Just trying to help.

I mean, I understand you if you're unsure if you still wanna have any contact with her, but be honest with yourself first.

(If I understand it correctly, you haven't just recently readded her as a facebook friend.)

 

[JiNX-01]

This friendship doesn't exist. We haven't spoken in nearly 2 years, and I very much doubt I'm going to see her again (outside maybe our high school reunion). I just don't care about her anymore.

Just out of curiosity... do you know anything about the fiance? My best friend (since first grade) moved to California with a guy and I and another friend didn't hear from her for weeks. It very was unlike her.

Turns out the guy was a controlling abusive a**hole.

You might want to ask if there's a problem before you break it off.

 

[RoJoHen]

I went out with him once before they got engaged. He's a total douche.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

I went out with him once before they got engaged. He's a total douche.

Haha that reminds me of my friend's husband. He's normally a cool guy, but really, he's a racist homophobe. Dinner with the group of us was awwwwkwaaaard.

 

[Warp Coil]

I went through a situation a while back with a friend. She was a girl and we were in a close, but completely platonic, friendship. She was possibly my best friend at the time. We hung out all the time. We were like this throughout most of high school and the first two years of college. Then she started dating this guy who just kinda showed up out of nowhere one day. She stopped paying much attention to me, or any of our other friends. Her behavior changed. On the rare occasion that we saw her, the boyfriend was always around. I grew irritated that she was neglecting her friends (myself included) to be with this guy that she'd literally just met. Over time, she stopped talking to everyone. No one knew where she was or what was going on with her life.

Years later, she tries to reach out to me via email and re-establish our friendship. I'm like, WTF? I'd moved on. I was still a little angry at the way she'd abandoned everyone. None of her other friends really wanted to re-establish a friendship with her, either. I reluctantly start talking to her again, and over time, I began to learn about the life she led while we were apart. Turns out that guy she abandoned all of her friends for was a physically and emotionally abusive bastard. She lived in fear. He wouldn't let her do anything. He didn't want her to have friends. He pretty much destroyed her life for several years. And, worst of all, they had kids together and he abused them, too.

So while I was initially not interested in re-connecting with this friend, I have since let go of any bitterness or angst over what happened and now I feel kinda bad for the drama that she suffered through silently for many years. You shouldn't feel obligated to re-establish a friendship with someone if you don't want to. However, there could be reasons that explain the change in your friend's behavior, why you lost touch in the first place, and why they suddenly are trying to re-connect now.

 

[JiNX-01]

I went through a situation a while back with a friend. She was a girl and we were in a close, but completely platonic, friendship. She was possibly my best friend at the time. We hung out all the time. We were like this throughout most of high school and the first two years of college. Then she started dating this guy who just kinda showed up out of nowhere one day. She stopped paying much attention to me, or any of our other friends. Her behavior changed. On the rare occasion that we saw her, the boyfriend was always around. I grew irritated that she was neglecting her friends (myself included) to be with this guy that she'd literally just met. Over time, she stopped talking to everyone. No one knew where she was or what was going on with her life.

Years later, she tries to reach out to me via email and re-establish our friendship. I'm like, WTF? I'd moved on. I was still a little angry at the way she'd abandoned everyone. None of her other friends really wanted to re-establish a friendship with her, either. I reluctantly start talking to her again, and over time, I began to learn about the life she led while we were apart. Turns out that guy she abandoned all of her friends for was a physically and emotionally abusive bastard. She lived in fear. He wouldn't let her do anything. He didn't want her to have friends. He pretty much destroyed her life for several years. And, worst of all, they had kids together and he abused them, too.

So while I was initially not interested in re-connecting with this friend, I have since let go of any bitterness or angst over what happened and now I feel kinda bad for the drama that she suffered through silently for many years. You shouldn't feel obligated to re-establish a friendship with someone if you don't want to. However, there could be reasons that explain the change in your friend's behavior, why you lost touch in the first place, and why they suddenly are trying to re-connect now.

The guy could have jealousy issues.
There was actually a point when my friend wasn't allowed to use the phone except to talk to her family. She wasn't even allowed to answer the phone. She had to give the school a neighbor's phone number in case of an emergency.

 

[DonIago]

Meh. Tell her you're not interested in being friends and would like it if she'd stop sending worthless comments your way. Let her know that if she's really interested in trying to recreate a -genuine- friendship that you're not entirely closed to the possibility but that she shouldn't get her hopes up, and that her current approach is failing miserably.

And if you really are entirely closed to the possibility? Unfriend her and get it over with, with or without an accompanying "I really have no interest in speaking with you ever again," statement.

If personal experience is any indication-

90% of people will then call you an ass but your problem with unwanted contact will be solved.

5% of people will apologize for bothering you (with or without a parting attempt at a guilt-trip) and your problem with unwanted contact will be solved.

3% of people will claim that they want a genuine friendship, but won't live up to it.

2% of people will claim that they want a genuine friendship and will actually do something about it (phonecalls, for instance).

 

[JarodRussell]

If personal experience is any indication-

90% of people will then call you an ass but your problem with unwanted contact will be solved.

5% of people will apologize for bothering you (with or without a parting attempt at a guilt-trip) and your problem with unwanted contact will be solved.

3% of people will claim that they want a genuine friendship, but won't live up to it.

2% of people will claim that they want a genuine friendship and will actually do something about it (phonecalls, for instance).

You have a habit of destroying friendships?

 

[DonIago]

Hey, I've gotta keep busy when TrekBBS is having a dry spell.

 

[Australis]

^

This has started me thinking about a friendship I had. Really liked her. It was always going to be platonic (I liked girls, and so did she), but she trusted me and we talked about many deep and personal issues, mixed with a mutual love of Trek and Who. Even when I left the job where we both worked, the emails continued, on that same level. It was a good relationship.

Then she moved to England, which was good for her. Then she dumped her long term patner who'd moved with her, which I didn't like, but I kept my thoughts on the matter low key. Then she was with someone else, and I figured out she'd been seeing this person while still with her old partner. Not cool, but not my biznay. Then she started sending short emails saying, "I'm writing a long one, I'll send it soon". Then one day they all stopped. That was 2007. After a year, I sent one: "Look, seems our paths have diverged, you haven't been very fair to me, but let's just leave it at that. I might see you further along the road."

I was hurt, but I've moved on. There's always the thought, did I say something wrong? What happened? But I've moved on.

What if she came back? I've given that some thought, especially in light of this thread. I'd be polite, and shoot the breeze, but it wouldn't be a priority, because I feel she's damaged my trust in her pretty badly. And she may only come back because she's looking for something, to a certain extent I do feel used, I was a sounding board, confidante, someone to lean on, but when I needed to lean back, she was gone. And if it comes up, I'll tell her exactly that. But I don't think I'll hear from her ever again, just a feeling.

 

[DonIago]

I'm more surprised when people think they can disappear for months/years at a time and then just waltz back into a friendship as though they were never gone. I mean yes, there are times where it can/does happen, but to -expect- it? Wow.

 

[RoJoHen]

I'm more surprised when people think they can disappear for months/years at a time and then just waltz back into a friendship as though they were never gone. I mean yes, there are times where it can/does happen, but to -expect- it? Wow.

I appreciate this. I mean, yes, sometimes people get busy or tied down with other things, but years are long periods of time to go missing. Even if you're busy for years at a time, if someone is important to you, you would make an effort to keep in touch, even if it's very minimal.

 

[Finn]

^but you haven't given us a good reason why you two shouldn't be friends anymore. Being incommunicado for several years isn't a good reason. It's an issue yes, but there are friendships that survived much worse and through more than a decade of not talking with each other.

For you two, it hasn't been that long.

 

[Kestra]

^^^ He doesn't have to prove anything to anyone in this thread. He's the best person to judge how he feels about the situation. He's asked for input, but that doesn't mean he has to agree with what other people say.

I'm terrible at keeping in touch and my best friends are the ones who understand that. We can go for long stretches of time with no communication and then when one of us contacts the other, it's like no time has passed. I realize that not everyone can deal with that, but it does affect who I remain close to.

 

[Finn]

Yes, he doesnt have to. I was responding to his last sentence. I have many good friends who I don't keep in touch, well over ten years.

Yeah

 

[DonIago]

For me a good friend is someone who I know I can count on if/when I hit some sort of personal crisis...or at least can call or otherwise talk to about the serious stuff on my mind.

Someone who disappears for months or so at a time isn't going to meet that criteria. They can come back and become a good friend again with time and effort, but on the face of it it's very hard for me to trust someone who disappears that way, especially if I feel like I -never- would have done that to them.

 

[JarodRussell]

For me a good friend is someone who I know I can count on if/when I hit some sort of personal crisis...or at least can call or otherwise talk to about the serious stuff on my mind.

Someone who disappears for months or so at a time isn't going to meet that criteria.

Why? The one thing doesn't exclude the other. Someone can be gone for months but when you tell them you're in trouble, they are suddenly there for you.

 

[sidious618]

I think you should try and find out why she vanished for two years, if only because I'm rather curious now.

 

[Kestra]

For me a good friend is someone who I know I can count on if/when I hit some sort of personal crisis...or at least can call or otherwise talk to about the serious stuff on my mind.

Someone who disappears for months or so at a time isn't going to meet that criteria.

Why? The one thing doesn't exclude the other. Someone can be gone for months but when you tell them you're in trouble, they are suddenly there for you.

Yeah, I'd actually say this is the type of friend I am. I might not be good about staying in touch but my friends know that they can call me any time, about anything. And they do! But I'm always there to help if I can.