Ending a friendship

[TheBrew]

I think that you are going a bit overboard with this. There are a good many of my friends who I don't talk to that much just because I moved across the country, but every once in a while we talk and catch up. We don't talk much because there isn't much to talk about if we aren't making plans (which is hard since we live so far apart). Still, I remember the good times. Unless she did something terrible, I don't think that you should 'end' it. Just respond, shoot the shit some, and maybe you will find yourselves in the same city again and rekindle a physical friendship.

Heck, I barely talked to my best friend for two years simply because he was out of country. Once he came back, we saw each other a bit and now that we are in the same city we hang out all of the time. We didn't stop becoming friends just because we fell out of communication for a bit.

 

[SeerSGB]

Meh, if she annoys you that much online just do a "Block User" thing on Facebook and move on. Or just tell her the truth.

 

[Australis]

Maybe by sending funny little randoms, she's just testing the water? Seeing how you react?

I dunno. World's way full of harsh people without adding to it. But hey, it's your life. Just be polite but firm.

 

[JarodRussell]

I want to tell her, but I don't want to be rude. She hasn't really done anything wrong...hell, it's been years since she's done anything at all (that was the problem). She's still one of the nicest people I've ever known; I just have no interest in her being in my life any more.

Oh this is so going to give me another infraction, but so be it.

You don't want to be rude, you don't want to come off as an asshole? Well, face the simple truth: you are rude, and you are the asshole in this situation. So either man up and face that fact and tell her "I don't care about you, and you annoy me." or rethink your life (and I'd suggest the latter).

She's one of the nicest persons you've ever known and you want to throw that away? Are you crazy? I guess you have so many friends that you can actually treat them like items?

YOU think you don't need her anymore? Well, the irony is that nobody would want to be around you if they actually knew how you really think.

 

[SeerSGB]

Maybe by sending funny little randoms, she's just testing the water? Seeing how you react?

I dunno. World's way full of harsh people without adding to it. But hey, it's your life. Just be polite but firm.

Firm is the key word. Don't be mean, unless she doesn't get the hint, just explain that you've grown apart as friends, she was out of touch for too long and you've moved on with your life, and you don't see a reason or feel a need to continue the friendship, and you wish her all the best but you'd prefer that she not contact you again.

 

[RoJoHen]

I want to tell her, but I don't want to be rude. She hasn't really done anything wrong...hell, it's been years since she's done anything at all (that was the problem). She's still one of the nicest people I've ever known; I just have no interest in her being in my life any more.

Oh this is so going to give me another infraction, but so be it.

You don't want to be rude, you don't want to come off as an asshole? Well, face the simple truth: you are rude, and you are the asshole in this situation. So either man up and face that fact and tell her "I don't care about you, and you annoy me." or rethink your life (and I'd suggest the latter).

She's one of the nicest persons you've ever known and you want to throw that away? Are you crazy? I guess you have so many friends that you can actually treat them like items?

YOU think you don't need her anymore? Well, the irony is that nobody would want to be around you if they actually knew how you really think.

I have a hard time ever taking you seriously. I know a ton of really nice people; doesn't mean I have any interest in their friendship. The point is: she's not my friend anymore. We've grown apart, and I don't care about having her in my life anymore. I'm entitled to that.

Maybe by sending funny little randoms, she's just testing the water? Seeing how you react?

I dunno. World's way full of harsh people without adding to it. But hey, it's your life. Just be polite but firm.

Firm is the key word. Don't be mean, unless she doesn't get the hint, just explain that you've grown apart as friends, she was out of touch for too long and you've moved on with your life, and you don't see a reason or feel a need to continue the friendship, and you wish her all the best but you'd prefer that she not contact you again.

Thanks. I'm hoping she just kind of figures it out on her own. I would never want to be mean to her, because she really doesn't deserve that. I just have no feelings towards her whatsoever anymore, and I guess I had just gotten used to the idea that she was gone. As such, I don't really want her back.

 

[Scout101]

Don't really get the problem. She drifted out of your life. It's gonna happen with MOST people you consider friends at some point. Real friends in life you can probably count on one hand, the rest are there due to circumstance, location, phase of life you're in, and are just passing through.

If she was important to you at one phase in your life, where's the harm in shooting the shit on facebook every now and then? No longer have the same things in common (circumstance, location), so the friendship isn't as strong, but no harm in keeping in touch, unless they've actively harmed you.

Plenty of 'friends' on facebook are people I used to know and be close with. High school friends, college buddies, old work friends, etc. Graduated, moved away, changed jobs, whatever was bringing us close just isn't there anymore, or not nearly as strong. No harm in seeing a status update go by on occasion, or drop a line and say hi. It's not going to be the same as it was, but don't have to go all drama queen and 'dump' friends that aren't harming you. Seems to be something that comes up here a lot, don't get how that works. Just let friends you've outgrown fade away. If they remain important, you'll keep in touch. Otherwise, they'll not talk to you as often, then you realize it's been years. If you end up in the same area again (reunion, for example), maybe you can grab a beer and catch up. It'll be fun for a couple hours, then you'll realize you've both changed, and go back to occasional updates. Sorta how thing work. She's not asking you to be super-best-friends with her again, or go back to the old patterns, just saying "hey, how've you been?" on facebook. Don't over-react to this.

Unless you make a big deal over it, and 'dump' a friend you haven't talked to in years anyway. that just stirs up shit for no particular reason. Unless there's a max number of people you're allowed to talk to on facebook, why do this? Means at that same reunion, everyone's back in old habits, chatting up old friends, and you're being ignored in the corner because you were randomly a jerk to those people for no reason, years after you had any contact with them...

 

[RoJoHen]

It's be an epic plot twist if Kestra turned out to be the friend and she just secured her own demise.

And you wonder why I didn't want to answer the "Is she hot?" question.

 

[JarodRussell]

I know a ton of really nice people; doesn't mean I have any interest in their friendship.

This is where I see your problem.

The point is: she's not my friend anymore.

Well, that's your side of the story. What about her?

We've grown apart, and I don't care about having her in my life anymore. I'm entitled to that.

Well, yeah, of course you are "entitled" to that. But to say "I don't want to be rude" when your entire behavior and attitude towards her is rude to begin with, that's hypocritical.


I mean would you like to be treated like that?

 

[RoJoHen]

I know a ton of really nice people; doesn't mean I have any interest in their friendship.

This is where I see your problem.

The point is: she's not my friend anymore.

Well, that's your side of the story. What about her?

We've grown apart, and I don't care about having her in my life anymore. I'm entitled to that.

Well, yeah, of course you are "entitled" to that. But to say "I don't want to be rude" when your entire behavior and attitude towards her is rude to begin with, that's hypocritical.


I mean would you like to be treated like that?

I think you missed the part where she ignored me for two years. I didn't want to be treated like that, but I was, and now I don't consider her my friend anymore.

And right now I'm not treating her like anything. She posts random shit; I don't reply. If she asks me a specific question, I give her an answer.

 

[JarodRussell]

I think you missed the part where she ignored me for two years. I didn't want to be treated like that, but I was, and now I don't consider her my friend anymore.

Ok, then tell her exactly that.

 

[RoJoHen]

But it's so much easier to be passive-aggressive!

 

[Kirby]

Sometimes the shoe just doesn't fit anymore. Time apart and different experiences do that. Nobody is at fault here, and you don't need to confront her or make her feel bad or guilty about about it, just respond to her when you feel like responding and
don't when you don't feel like it. Unless she's psycho then she'll probably get the point that you have other stuff going on and she'll back off.

I had a friend that I met in pre-school and we stayed friends and occasional roommates through college and beyond. Eventually he moved to Portland for a while after a bad marriage and then came back to town last summer. He's tried to contact me a few times, but we've drifted apart over the past few years. He's not a bad guy, things just change and my priorities are different than hanging out with this guy again.

 

[Lindley]

I think you missed the part where she ignored me for two years.

Actively ignored, as in, you tried to talk to her and she didn't answer? Or was there simply no attempt at communication?

The former I could see being upset about. The latter is just circumstances causing you to drift apart. It happens. She seems to be trying to rectify that now; I don't see the problem.

 

[RoJoHen]

It was the former...and then the latter. I eventually stopped trying.

 

[JarodRussell]

The latter is just circumstances getting in the way---something she seems to be trying to rectify.

That's the way I see it. So at least when he "breaks up", he should give that reason, so she has a chance to explain herself.

 

[Lumi]

I can sort of relate. My best friend from about age 10 (to 18) moved away when we were 13, but I spent every summer with her (the entire summer) until we were about 18. I haven't seen her in person since 2008. She keeps telling me she's coming to visit, but always cancels. I mean always. Many times a year for several years. It's not for any good reason... when she cancels with me, I will see an update pop up about her going to visit someone else. For a long time this hurt me, but I've been ditched so many times by her that I simply don't care now. I find myself trying really hard to act like I do care, don't want to seem cold... I don't know how she doesn't see through it. It's weird, because this particular friend... well, I would be in tears for days every time she went back home, when I was a kid/teen. Now it doesn't even phase me that I'll probably never see her again. Weird.

 

[doubleohfive]

Ironically, this happened to me...and has happened to a number of friends of mine over the past year or so.

In my case, she had been someone I'd known my entire life, who impulsively got married and then moved across the country (ironically, to the very city I've been living in for five years) but has made absolutely no effort to get in touch with me. Being that for most of the last year and a half she has been pulling this same schtick, I've come to terms with the fact that this friendship is over.

With my other friends, its simply been because personalities have stopped clicking or someone has 'outgrown' the rest of our group. It sucks, but what can you do?

I'd say there's no real need to spell it out for your friend. She may well keep messaging you though, and it will simply be a matter of not engaging her too much. If she gets a clue and brings it up, asking why things are the way they are, then I'd say you have plenty of leeway to be upfront about it.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Just to clarify... The only way you are in contact with her is seeing (status) messages on Facebook? And that's why you are making such a fuss over it?

I'm tempted to unfriend/block a whole bunch of them or delete my FB account altogether, but no, I'm just completely being polite about it .

Why would you do that? Are the status messages annyoing you?

I do find some status updates quite annoying. We live in a culture of TMI, and a lot of nonsense populates my Newsfeeds. I have unsubscribed from or blocked a number of users.

Do you also remove telephone numbers from your address book just because you haven't heard of them for a longer time?

First, I don't have an address book. Second, I still keep in touch with the people I like with or without Facebook. I have two very close friends: one uses FB sparingly and the other just isn't that interested in online social networking, and we still very much get together and enjoy each other's company as we go out for lunches and dinners from time to time.

I would like to reiterate that FB or other networking sites shouldn't be a substitute for real human interactions. There's nothing wrong with sharing pictures of loved ones, pets, and celebrations with family and friends. What I have an issue with is those "old friends" who don't make any attempt to communicate with me or stay in touch. Maybe they're busy in real life? I am, too, so why even get connected in the first place?

 

[RoJoHen]

Do you also remove telephone numbers from your address book just because you haven't heard of them for a longer time?

First, I don't have an address book.

I forgot to respond to this, but yes, I do delete contacts when I haven't heard from them in a while. I purge my address book and Facebook page quite regularly.