DS9 Caption Contest #43: Miles O'Brien, Torture Episode King!

[LeadHead]

Happy Saturday everyone!

First up to the plate, we have the "It's all in the name" Award, going to:

Odo: "I think we can make this business successful. But I suggest we choose a name other than Sisko Disco."

Next up, we have the "Everyone's friendly, until the bill arrives" Award, going to:

Bashir: "Odo, you left us at Quarks and forgot to chip in on the bill for all the drinks. Here's what you owe us."
Odo: "But.. I don't drink! Why should I have to pay anything?"
Bashir: "Hey, we all chip in equally when out as a group. Next time, order some flavored gelatin."

Third in the batting order, we have the "Criminal Mischief" Award, going to:

Worf: Thanks for arresting him,Odo.. it was a matter of honor..He laughed when he saw my gorch

Batting Cleanup, we have the "Biff Tannen ButtHead" Award going to:

Quark: "Ohhh, I am so drunk! Odo, please, tell me, am I holding my head or my ass?"

Lets bring it home with the "Dang it, Koyaanisqatsi IS the Dull Version of Koyaanisqatsi!" Award, going to:

Odo: (thinking) This is like watching a dull version of Koyaanisqatsi, where's Godfrey Reggio when you need him?

Our Photoshop award goes to:

GARIBALDI: Things have been pretty quiet over here, too.

Odo: "Of course to properly experience the new 3-D Comm System you'll need to wear special glasses."
Sisko: "So that's why you're looking so two dimensional."
Odo: "What? No! Sir, I'm standing right here."
Sisko: "Yes, yes. It's a nice effect. Now where are my glasses?"
Odo: "Dammit, Captain. It's not an effect! I'm on the bridge. We rode the turbolift together."
Sisko: "Chief, clear up the static on this thing and find me my glasses!"
Odo: "We haven't even bought the 3-D Comm yet!"

Many thanks to all who participated and congratulations to our winners!

Continuing forward in our Character Caption Contests, I decided to be slightly less predictable with this one, rather than going by rank or some criteria like that. So lets get some O'Brien Captions going!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Sisko, Worf & Odo: We have nothing to say to you O'Brien. You know why.

O'Brien: Oh, for the love of...

Cop: You're under arrest for being the most normal person on the show.

O'Brien and Bashir's strategy planning for winning on HALO's Blood Gulch map got a little out of hand.

Bashir: Now, this will give me great readings on the condition of your eyes, or it will blind you permanently. Lets see what happens!

Worf: The Dart of Kahless...

 

[Deranged Nasat]

O'Brien: "If I remember correctly, the Wadi Ambassador said this was the easy level. Kira and the Captain are in the Reserve Pile, Martok's still on the left wall. I think that's Brunt -- no, Quark!"

Quark: "I was just going to move him slightly".

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Cop: "The viewers were asked which character should get a beating. They chose you. That's all there is to it".

O'Brien: "The other candidates were an elderly nun, a six-year-old girl and a puppy with its leg in a splint!"

Cop: "Your point?"

 

[Gary7]

Thanks for the win, Leadhead.

Sisko: "Chief, we've been having problems with all of our computers. It looks like it might be a virus of some kind. Don't we have any anti-virus software installed?"
O'Brien: "See this computer here, with the big Apple logo on it? I told you we should switch to Windows 47 where more robust anti-virus software is available. But no... on the Mac, the anti-virus software is weak because supposedly there are fewer attacks. Well, the Dominion sure got wind of that one quickly."

It's early Saturday morning, outside a Bajoran police station. And you see that man? That's Chief O'Brien, after his usual Friday night run of getting drunk, starting a brawl, and getting arrested.

Bashir: "Another run of drink, brawl, and arrest again, eh Miles?"

Quark: "I still say you guys would have much more fun doing a life-size simulation in the holosuite. This... well, you might as well be a couple of 5 year olds."

Worf: "Wait! I've seen that dart somewhere before. In a dark room, with clicking noises and muffled voices."
O'Brien: "You've been hanging out around the dabo table too much, Worf."

 

[Ln X]

Thanks LeadHead for the win!

Sisko: Explain yourself chief how exactly did you lose your you-know-what?
O'Brien: Well sir you would never believe it but my tackle simply dropped off and became invisible. I'm holding it in my hands right now!
Odo: (thinking) Just as well I can grow one whenever I like!

Security: Sir, we found this drunken Irish lout brawling in the pub!
O'Brien: Seriously, I was only celebrating! How was I supposed to know ya didn't celebrate St Patrick's Day?

O'Brien: I'm telling you Quark, toys beat holosuites any day.
Quark: And can you get pleasure from toys? A holosuite fantasy with three volumptuous, beautiful and scantily clad Risian women does it for me.
Bashir: (thinking) Me to! Oooh my! Dang! (angrily) Why did I have to do it here?

Bashir: Do you see the light?
O'Brien: (thinking) What light?

Worf: You dishonour yourself with such a trivial game, a real warrior does not play silly games like these.
O'Brien: Oh yeah? (sticks the dart right in Worf's eye)

Worf howls in pain.

O'Brien: And a real warrior doesn't cry like a baby either.

 

[Gary7]

O'Brien: "And this one... this is my finest dart of all. Made of a special duranium alloy. Super light, and super precise. You seldom lose with one of these babies."
Worf: "Miles, I have to ask... are you really happy having left the Federation to start your own dart business?"
O'Brien: "Well, I have to admit, I didn't think it through entirely. There's only 1 real bar on the station and the Bajorans have an uncanny fear of needles."
Worf: "But what of their earrings? Certainly they have to endure the piercing."
O'Brien. "Nope... clip-ons, the whole lot of 'em."

 

[Rush Limborg]

Ah. A chance to revel in my Irish heritage....

O'Brien: Come on...loan it, Captain? Just for today?

Sisko: No.

Odo: Captain...as you are aware, Quark's holosuite is under repairs. In order to fulfill our agreements to a game...we must use real supplies.

Worf: We are conducting the game in Cargo Bay 7.

Sisko: So? Replicate a baseball.

Worf: I told you, Chief--

O'Brien: It's...for good luck, sir.

Officer: We drank, we fought--and he made his ancestors proud.

O'Brien: Right, right--now, get these things off me, will you?

Officer: And let the world fall prey to your might, ol' boy? (Pats on back)

O'Brien: Guess not....

Bashir: (solemnly) And so, Travis wrote: "I am besieged by a thousand or more of the Mexicans under Santa Anna. I have sustained a continual bombardment and cannonade for 24 hours, and have not lost a man...."

O'Brien: Bloody--24 hours, and not one man? Must've had no red-shirts.

Bashir: (continuing) "The enemy has demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise the garrison are to be put to the sword, if taken."

Quark: Savage, if you ask me. I'd take the deal.

Bashir: (continuing) "I have answered the demand with a cannon shot, and our flag still waves proudly from the walls. I shall never surrender or retreat!"

Quark: Why am I not surprised? Hew-mons...too eager to just--

O'Brien and Bashir: Not NOW, Quark!

Bashir: Now, the idea is...you stare directly ahead--not at the light.

O'Brien: How do you expect me to do that when you're shining it right in me iris?

Bashir: Chief! Most people do it just fine!

O'Brien: "Most people". Do I look like "most people"?

O'Brien: You want "epic warriors", Worf? I'll have you know somethin'. Why do you think God invented drink?

Worf: A...reward for victory?

O'Brien: No--a check on the Irish might, to keep blessed Dublin from conquering the world!

Worf: I see. It never occurred to your warriors to save the drink for after the battle?

O'Brien: You kidding? You ever took a whiff of the fumes from a keg of Irish Cream?

Worf: No comment.

 

[Rush Limborg]

Security: Sir, we found this drunken Irish lout brawling in the pub!

O'Brien: (muttering) Racist limey flatfoot!

 

[AdmiralGarak]

Sisko: "The Kai just arrived. Please tell me that you found missing Orb."
Odo: "I'm sorry, sir, but the Orb is..."
O'Brien: "Right here in my hands! It's... err..."
Worf: "..Cloaked?"
O'Brien: "Yes, yes. That's it. The Prophets cloaked it... for some reason."
Sisko: "Sigh. Cloaked. Could I hold it, then?"
O'Brien: "Umm... well..."
Odo: "It's phase cloaked, sir. You can't hold it. It would fall through your hands."
Sisko: "Mm-hm. How are you holding it, Chief?"
O'Brien: "..."
Sisko: "Anyone?"
Odo & Worf: "..."
O'Brien: "I'm going to go with tachyons, sir."
Sisko: "Sigh."

Officer: "We arrested him for breaking into the home of one Ira Behr, a television writer."
O'Brien: "I swear! That guy has it in for me!"

O'Brien: "Julian, are you sure that this is where General Patton stationed his chariots?"
Bashir: "I'm a doctor, not a historian."

Bashir: "Unfortuantely, as a non-commisioned officer this is the only prosthetic nose I can give you, Chief."

Quark: "OWWW!"
O'Brien: "I'm counting that as a bullseye."
Worf: "Agreed."

 

[LeadHead]

Quark: "OWWW!"
O'Brien: "I'm counting that as a bullseye."
Worf: "Agreed."

Odo: Best Birthday Ever.

 

[Admiral_Sisko]

"Captain, the three of us have discussed this at length, and we've decided that your son contributes absolutely nothing to Deep Space 9. Frankly, he's even more intolerable than that Crusher boy I used to work with on the Enterprise."

"Chief O'Brien was asked by Seven of Nine if he would mind helping her 'explore her humanity,' or something to that effect. Needless to say, he resisted."

"Julian, I'm not sure what's more complicated- planning a defense strategy for the Alamo, or doing the same for the Indianapolis Colts. Either way, we're gonna' have a slaughter on our hands."

"Julian, when I said I wanted to watch high-definition TV, this isn't what I had in mind."

"So, what you're telling me, Worf, is that Jadzia thought she could use to this to..."

"Yes, Chief."

"Well, I'm sorry I missed it."

 

[Gary7]

Julian: "Miles, you're sure you want this Borg implant?"
Miles: "If this is what it takes to get in with Seven, then yeah--definitely."

 

[Tosk]

"...And so he turns to him and he says, 'Madness? This is Sparta!!' and then kicks him into the hole."

"Ah, so that's what that meme was all about."

 

[Ayelbourne]

O'Brien: Well, Quark, it looks like party hour won't be happening tonight. You've got an infestation of Triklexianixian Termites.

 

[Finn]

Miles: Speak, boy!
Worf: Woof!
Miles: Good Klingon!
Worf: *munches*

 

[Ln X]

I thank Lonely Island's Like a Boss for this one!

O'Brien: So sir we were wondering what exactly is a standard day for you?
Sisko: Well the first thing I do is...

(musical)Talk to admirals ... Like a Boss... Approve policies ... Like a Boss... Command a station ... Like a Boss... Go to parties ... Like a Boss... Check on reports ... Like a Boss... Micromanage ... Like a Boss... Promote Starfleet ... Like a Boss... Hit on Kira ... Like a Boss... Get rejected ... Like a Boss... Shallow sadness ... Like a Boss... Ask the Prophets ... Like a Boss... For their advice ... Like a Boss... Admit defeat ... Like a Boss... Corruption charges ... Like a Boss... No Promotion ... Like a Boss... Drink myself stupid ... Like a Boss... Smash up Kira's console ... Like a Boss... Get a phaser ... Like a Boss... In my mouth ... Like a Boss...

Oh by the Prophets I can't do it, dang!

Pussy out ... Like a Boss... Date Keiko ... Like a Boss... Again rejected ... Like a Boss... Steal the Defiant ... Like a Boss... Kill some Cardies ... Like a Boss... Crash the ship ... Like a Boss... Go crazy ... Like a Boss... Seek atonement ... Like a Boss... Turn into a god ... Like a Boss... Destroy the Borg ... Like a Boss... Fly into a vortex ... Like a Boss... Tempt fate ... Like a Boss... Now I'm dead ... Like a Boss...

<stunned silence>

O'Brien: So sir you become a god and then you die?
Sisko: Hell yeah!
O'Brien: And I'm pretty sure you said something about dating my wife?
Sisko: Nope that wasn't me!
O'Brien: No I'm pretty sure you said that.
Sisko: I'm the boss
O'Brien: I know you told us that about 34 times already.
Sisko: I'm the boss
O'Brien: Alright we know!
Sisko: I'm the boss...

 

[Gary7]

Sisko: "Gentlemen, didn't you see the 'do not disturb' sign? I'm busy."
O'Brien: "Watching 'Spenser For Hire' reruns again?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

QUARK: You two having fun playing with your dolls?

OBRIEN and BASHIR: They're action figures!!!!!!!

 

[Gary7]

O'Brien: "Yep, that's the one. Click on it."
Sisko: "OK, clicked... and... what the? I can't believe it. I've been Rick Rolled."