I Want to Get Married

[JoeZhang]

leaving the woman to contact the man is extremely dicey.

Oh I don't know, I used to do it all the time. I'd arrange to meet someone for lunch and I'd openly tell that that we'll keep it to a couple of hours, so if they don't enjoy my company, they have don't to make an excuse to leave and also it means they can still get out in the evening with theirs friends. If they contacted me, they contacted me, if they didn't they didn't.

 

[BolianAuthor]

Meh, it happens.

Yeah, all this O NOES TEH DRAMA is getting ridiculous.

So I can't help but feel like crap, because I can't figure out what is so ugly about me, that nobody seems to want me.

Maybe it's because you whine and wallow in self-pity? Or maybe because you think you deserve to be loved, and you deserve it more than others because you are superficially more attractive? Sorry to be harsh, but that's what the vibe your posts are sending.

I do NOT feel like I'm more attractive than others... in fact, I admit most guys looks way better than me. I posted a photo in the picture post thread... I'm not sure I'm that attractive.

 

[Gaith]

I share your discomfort. My suggesting that he give her his number was a compromise between the setting and his enthusiasm. And, of course, I was unaware of your Prime Directive of Dating Females. I would never knowingly recommend that someone violate the Prime Directive!

By the way, I had a guy give me his number once w/o asking for mine. I think he was quite shocked that I actually called.

Ha, nice. Under what circumstances did he give it to you?

 

[Tora Ziyal]

^We happened to sit next to each other on a train for several hours. Talked and did a crossword puzzle together the whole way. He invited me to meet him in NYC for a few hours on my way home a few days later, go to a museum or someplace else touristy together. He was visiting from... South Africa maybe.

When I actually took him up on the offer, we had a quick cup of coffee/tea in some dump near Penn Station (this is before Starbucks took over the world), he spent the whole time looking at his watch, and I got the message and got back on the next train.



Great international romance story, eh?

 

[Listener4]

I strongly relate to your comment about the 800 man getting married. I made the comment before that seeing young teens have relationships with little difficulty, while I at 28 have never been on a date is not exactly kind to my self esteem.

But the reality is that this is something I've done to myself. Quite simply, I hate myself, and I have for a long time. A number of girls have tried to get to know me, but they never had a chance.

I don't know how similar your thought process is to mine and I hope you have an overall positive outlook. But if you don't believe it can happen, it probably isn't going to happen. If you don't believe in yourself, most people won't either.

 

[BolianAuthor]

^

Well, I agree, a lot of it is self-hate, to a degree, but then again, unlike you, I've never had women try to get to know me... I've always had to initiate it first.

The thing with me is, I'm actually usually a real upbeat, happy, and confident guy. BUT... when I get hit emotionally, it hits me very hard, and when I'm down, it takes me a long time to get back up, because when you're down, you're down, and you just simply "don't feel like" putting on a happy face... that takes time.

But yeah, sooner or later, you have to get up, and try again.

IDK if this sounds really stupid, but I'm wondering if even though I'm only 33, if I'm having some form of midlife crisis... because I'm realizing that I'm not that far away from 40, and I have little to show for it, and that really angers and bothers me, so I want to try and fix all that as soon as possible.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I think you've just revealed the problem right there. You don't think your life is complete without someone loving you. This is not a good attitude. One thing that will make you attractive to women is that you are a complete, happy person without having a wife. It means you are self-sufficient and not desperate.

If you have nothing to show for being 33, there is a lot more to the situation than just not having a wife. What do you do for a living? Have you accomplished nothing in 33 years? Have you done nothing worthwhile?

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

When people are depressed they usually think they have nothing to show for their life. I've heard people say this when they have a house, a spouse, kids, a job.. it's just those incredibly dark pessimism glasses that you have on when you're depressed that make everything look empty.

BA you keep mentioning being or not being attractive. If this worries you I'd like to suggest that you find someone to ask about it, as in "what do you think I could do to improve my looks". Often males pick a certain style and just remain there.. for a few decades.. and are oblivious to how it comes across. You have to make sure you can take constructive advice and not feel put down by it though.

I'm thinking of a few men I've known who could do with sprucing up.. things like, wearing outdated clothes, scraggy ponytail while going bald, glasses from another era. It doesn't take much tweaking to present a positive rather than resigned look and if you know anyone whose advice you would take I would suggest you just ask.

And yeah you are probably having a bit of a midlife crisis which can be very productive! It's good you're having this now and not in ten years.

 

[Gaith]

^We happened to sit next to each other on a train for several hours. Talked and did a crossword puzzle together the whole way. He invited me to meet him in NYC for a few hours on my way home a few days later, go to a museum or someplace else touristy together. He was visiting from... South Africa maybe.

When I actually took him up on the offer, we had a quick cup of coffee/tea in some dump near Penn Station (this is before Starbucks took over the world), he spent the whole time looking at his watch, and I got the message and got back on the next train.



Great international romance story, eh?

Not really! A bummer, indeed; what douchey behavior.

And, gentlemen, take note: coffee dates, as the Guide mentions, are lame.

 

[Kestra]

Whatever, I'd love a coffee date if I was single.

 

[Jenee]

If you don't like who you are, envision what kind of person you would like to be, and take steps to become that person. Then, you can think about relationships. Until then, if someone marries you and you change, you've lied to them.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Whatever, I'd love a coffee date if I was single.

Me too! You can always extend it once you finish your coffee by ordering food. Or you can just leave because you "have to be somewhere" and your coffee is finished.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

^We happened to sit next to each other on a train for several hours. Talked and did a crossword puzzle together the whole way. He invited me to meet him in NYC for a few hours on my way home a few days later, go to a museum or someplace else touristy together. He was visiting from... South Africa maybe.

When I actually took him up on the offer, we had a quick cup of coffee/tea in some dump near Penn Station (this is before Starbucks took over the world), he spent the whole time looking at his watch, and I got the message and got back on the next train.



Great international romance story, eh?

Not really! A bummer, indeed; what douchey behavior.

And, gentlemen, take note: coffee dates, as the Guide mentions, are lame.

No, they're not. They're a low-keyed, safe, inexpensive way to spend time w/ someone you don't know well. When that's where you've agreed to go. And when they're Starbucks quality or better (the coffee and especially the ambiance).

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Whatever, I'd love a coffee date if I was single.

Me too! You can always extend it once you finish your coffee by ordering food. Or you can just leave because you "have to be somewhere" and your coffee is finished.

Yeah, an open-ended coffee date is the way to go, in my opinion. Last "coffee date" I went on wound up lasting until midnight.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

If you don't like who you are, envision what kind of person you would like to be, and take steps to become that person. Then, you can think about relationships. Until then, if someone marries you and you change, you've lied to them.

Everyone changes. This is one reason why people get divorced which is not always a horrible tragedy. If you marry young you can pretty much guarantee you will have changed a great deal in the next 15 years as will your spouse. Sometimes you adapt to each others changes, sometimes it's just not going to work. It's not a lie, it's life.

 

[Jenee]

Not exactly what I was talking about. Of course everyone changes.

But, do marry someone, the set out specifically to 'become someone you like' is dishonest.

 

[Gaith]

And, gentlemen, take note: coffee dates, as the Guide mentions, are lame.

No, they're not. They're a low-keyed, safe, inexpensive way to spend time w/ someone you don't know well. When that's where you've agreed to go. And when they're Starbucks quality or better (the coffee and especially the ambiance).[/QUOTE]Maybe I just can't grok such a suggestion because I don't drink coffee, so what would I do? But, seriously, if you don't know them well, why not go bowling if the weather's bad, or take a walk in a park if it isn't?

 

[BolianAuthor]

Well, let me ask the females here, then... this is how I look now:

The only thing different is that I have a mustache now, because I had to shave it for a job interview, but I cannot stand the way I look without it... IMO, it makes me look much, much, younger than I am, and also a lot more passive.

But I'd like to know what YOU think... because it is said that one's own mirror is biased... so I want an impartial review... how do I look, and what could I do to look better?

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Gaith, I don't drink coffee either. But most coffee places also serve tea or herbal tea or something.

Bowling is fine if it's something you both enjoy. A walk in the park is great once you know someone well enough to feel safe w/ them, but I probably wouldn't do it as a first date.

 

[Kestra]

Gaith, I don't drink coffee either. But most coffee places also serve tea or herbal tea or something.

Bowling is fine if it's something you both enjoy. A walk in the park is great once you know someone well enough to feel safe w/ them, but I probably wouldn't do it as a first date.

Yeah, I don't drink coffee either but those places offer other beverages. And honestly, I don't like much of anything besides water but I can find something. It's just a good meeting place.

I would hate bowling because I'm terrible at it and I think it's more fun in a group. A walk could be nice if you have a nice area to go, but it's kind of an awkward thing to pick for a first date. Personally it would be terrible for me because of my allergies, but I wouldn't think that would be an issue for most people.