Funniest Trek Quotes

[PianoWizzy]

Post the most hilarious [odd, or strange] quotes you've heard in Star Trek! Any movie, any show. As many as you like, too.

I'll start:

Picard: "Number one, will you set a course for Starbase 227? I'll join you on the bridge shortly."
Riker: "Wait a minute. You've been declared dead. You can't give orders around here."
Data: "If we are to adhere to the exact letter of Starfleet regulations, then technically, sir, you have been declared a renegade. In fact, I believe you are facing 12 counts of court martial offenses. You cannot give orders either, sir."
Picard: "That's quite right. And as I am supposed to be dead, I'll go and get some sleep, and Mr. Data, I suggest that you escort Commander Riker to the brig."
Data: "Aye, sir... this way, sir." (Data grabs Riker and leads him to the brig.)

- TNG: Gambit part II, 7.05

 

[Smellincoffee]

"Captain, this ship will NOT survive the forming of the Cosmos!" - Torres, Voyager.

"Heading, sir?"
"Out there. --- thataway!" (Kirk, The Motion Picture)

 

[shawn12]

"Everybody remember where we parked."
-James Kirk, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, after landing the cloaked Klingon bird of prey in Golden Gate park The bureaucratic mentality is the only constant in the universe.
-Dr. McCoy, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home Quark: It’s good to want things.
Odo: Even things you can’t have?
Quark: Especially things you can’t have.
-Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “The Passenger” Picard: Come back! Make a difference!
Kirk: I take it the odds are against us and the situation’s grim.
Picard: You could say that.
Kirk: If Spock were here, he’d say that I was an irrational, illlogical human being for going on a mission like this... Sounds like fun!
-Star Trek: Generations We have them just where they want us.
-Captain Kirk

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: I need you, Bones. Badly!

 

[Alienesse]

Here's a few I collected from TNG:

“Shut off that damned noise! Go to Yellow Alert!” (Picard, Encounter at Farpoint)

“Would you object to your Captain ordering a clearly illegal kidnapping?” (Picard, Encounter at Farpoint)

“What the hell is happening in Engineering?” (Picard, The Naked Now)

“If you prick me, do I not leak?” (Data, The Naked Now)

“Merde. Shields up!” (Picard, The Last Outpost)

“Data: Apologies, Captain. I seem to have reached an odd functional impasse. I am stuck.
Picard: Then get unstuck and continue with the briefing.
Data: Yes, sir. That is what I am trying to do, sir, but the solution eludes me.” (The Last Outpost)

“Pygmy cretins!” (Worf on the Ferengi, The Last Outpost)

“Who else would they send to greet me but the Captain? You may carry my luggage.” (Lwaxana, Haven)

“Considering the rate at which you imbibe, sir, is your lineage at all mixed with human?” (Data to Homm, Haven)

“Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.” (Data, Haven)

“Wesley: What are you doing?
Data: Sneezing.
Wesley: Have you got a cold?
Data: A cold what?”
(Datalore)

“Get rid of that damned twitch and put on the correct uniform.” (Picard to Data, Datalore)

“We should be seeing stars by now.” (Picard, Where Silence Has Lease)

“Data: Captain, sensors show nothing out there. Absolutely nothing.
La Forge: Sure is a damned ugly nothing.”
(Where Silence Has Lease)

 

[The Inquisitor]

Seven: "And the massage you got from Lieutenant Jaryn?"
The Doctor: "Entirely therapeutic!"
Seven: "You became sexually aroused in my body!"

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Not exactly funny, but certainly badass, is Spock's final line to the Vulcan Science Council in ST XI. The way Spock says "Live long and prosper" is just so snarky and passive-aggressive and "Go to hell!"

 

[captcalhoun]

...Spock, what are the odds?
I have never computed them.

-Kirk's explaining Fizzbin to Spock's bemusement.

 

[Alienesse]

Classic Spock:

Scotty: “What a mess.”
Spock: “Picturesque descriptions will not mend broken circuits, Mister Scott.”
(The Galileo Seven)

 

[The Wormhole]

Quark: "If we get boarded, I intend to defend my bar, with this." (Holds up box)
Odo: "A box?"
Quark: "No, what's inside the box."
Quark opens box, revealing a piece of paper. Odo picks it up and reads.
Odo: "Dear Quark, I had to borrow parts from your disruptor to fix the replicator. I will return it as soon as I can. Your brother, Rom."
Quark: "What? That idiot! I'll kill him!"
Odo: "With what?"
-DS9's The Way of the Warrior

 

[TheSeeker]

Troi: "It's a primitive culture. I'm just trying to blend in."

Riker: "You're blended alright."

-Star Trek: First Contact

 

[kirsten187]

"My dear girl, I am a doctor. When I peek, it's in the line of duty." Dr McCoy, Shore Leave

"What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor? If I jumped everytime a light came on around here, I'd end up talking to myself." Dr McCoy, The Corbomite Maneuver

"Deanna, I love you but you do make everything sound like an epitaph." Lwaxana Troi, Cost of Living

 

[Gary7]

McCoy: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Spock: I welcome it.
McCoy: Do you? OK, then. Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Are you making a logical choice, sending Kirk away? Probably. But, the right one? You know, back home we have a saying: "If you wanna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don't leave your prized stallion in the stable."
Spock: A curious metaphor, doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential.
McCoy: My God, man, you could at least *act* like it was a hard decision...
Spock: I intend to assist in the effort to reestablish communication with Starfleet. However, if crew morale is better served by my roaming the halls weeping, I will gladly defer to your medical expertise. Excuse me.
McCoy: [as Spock leaves] Green-blooded hobgoblin...

(from ST2009, but I think it did a good job of capturing the McCoy/Spock friction of the original series)

 

[Gary7]

Lt. Bailey: Raising my voice back there doesn't mean I was scared or couldn't do my job. It means I have a human thing called an adrenaline gland.
Mr. Spock: It sounds most inconvenient. Have you considered having it removed?

McCoy: Well, Scotty, now you've done it.
Scotty: Aye, the haggis is in the fire, for sure.

Spock: I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.


Spock: [The Horta] found humanoid appearance revolting, but she felt she could get used to it.
McCoy: Oh, she did, did she? Now tell me, did she happen to make any comment about those ears?
Spock: Not specifically, but I did get the distinct impression she found them the most attractive human characteristic of all. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that only I have—
Kirk: She really liked those ears?
Spock: Captain, the Horta is a remarkably intelligent and sensitive creature with impeccable taste.
Kirk: Because she approved of you.
Spock: Really, Captain, my modesty—
Kirk: ...Does not bear close examination, Mr. Spock. I suspect you're becoming more and more human all the time.
Spock: Captain, I see no reason to stand here and be insulted.


Kirk: My friend is obviously Chinese. I see you've noticed the ears. They're actually easy to explain.
Spock: Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child.
Kirk: ...The unfortunate accident he had as a child. He caught his head in a mechanical... rice picker.


McCoy: "Jim, I think I liked him with a beard better. Gave him character. Of course almost any change would be a distinct improvement."
Kirk: "What worries me is the easy way his counterpart fit into that other universe. I always thought Spock was a bit of a pirate at heart."
Spock: "Indeed gentlemen. May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts here quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous -- in every way splendid examples of homo-sapiens, the very flower of humanity. I found them quite refreshing."
Kirk: "I'm not sure, but I think we've been insulted."
McCoy: "I'm sure."


Chekov: (to Lt. Landon) "I've been waiting to get you into a place like this for a long time."
Kirk: "Mr. Chekov, I know you and Miss Landon find each other fascinating, but we’re not here to conduct a field experiment in human biology."


Spock: Logic is a little tweeting bird, chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell bad.

 

[Gary7]

Scotty: "When are y'gonna get off that milk diet, lad?"
Chekov: "This is vodka!"
Scott: "Where I come from, that's soda pop. Now, this is a drink for a man."
Chekov: "Scotch?"
Scott: "Aye."
Chekov: "It was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad!"


McCoy: "Well, Mr. Spock, if you’re going into the lion’s den, you’ll need a medical officer."
Spock: "Daniel, as I recall, had only his faith, but I welcome your company, Doctor."


Kirk: "Very good, Spock. We'll make a human out of you yet."
Spock: "I hope not!"


Adam: "Gonna crack my knuckles and jump for joy, I got a clean bill of health from Dr. McCoy!"


Scotty: "I've seen the captain feverish, sick, drunk, delirious, terrified, overjoyed, boiling mad. But up to now, I have never seen him red-faced with hysteria."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

"Double dumbass on you!"

 

[Mr Leslie]

Uhura "What happened?"
Spock "The occipital area of my head seems to have impacted with the chair."
Uhura "No, Mister Spock. I meant what happened to us?"

- Uhura and Spock, after the Enterprise is hurled away from the planet

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ Which episode was that from?

 

[kes7]

Spock: [The Horta] found humanoid appearance revolting, but she felt she could get used to it.
McCoy: Oh, she did, did she? Now tell me, did she happen to make any comment about those ears?
Spock: Not specifically, but I did get the distinct impression she found them the most attractive human characteristic of all. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that only I have—
Kirk: She really liked those ears?
Spock: Captain, the Horta is a remarkably intelligent and sensitive creature with impeccable taste.
Kirk: Because she approved of you.
Spock: Really, Captain, my modesty—
Kirk: ...Does not bear close examination, Mr. Spock. I suspect you're becoming more and more human all the time.
Spock: Captain, I see no reason to stand here and be insulted.

I love this.

Also, Data, regarding Spot (the cat) after Spot has destroyed Geordi's quarters: "Spot does not respond to verbal commands. "

A short time later: "DATA: Geordi, I have taken your suggestion regarding Spot. I have begun training her.
LAFORGE: Really?
DATA: Yes. I am studying several new techniques. I began with simple conditioned response exercises and followed with environmental enhancement. Next I plan to explore bioconditioning devices.
LAFORGE: Devices?
DATA: Such as sensor nets for behaviour modification or biofeedback motivators. Unfortunately, I have been less than successful.
LAFORGE: I've got an idea. How about a phaser? A low stun setting at just the right moment might do the trick.
DATA: Geordi. I cannot stun my cat. "

 

[Mr Leslie]

Uhura "What happened?"
Spock "The occipital area of my head seems to have impacted with the chair."
Uhura "No, Mister Spock. I meant what happened to us?"

- Uhura and Spock, after the Enterprise is hurled away from the planet

That Which Survives