Voyager Caption Contest #36: Um...what?

[Yeoman Randi]

Hello fellow drones! It's time for a new Voyager Caption Contest!

Thanks to everyone who participated, you all seriously rock!

All righty, here we go with da Winnas!

For the use of fabulous dry humor in knowing how to make a Vulcan happy we have:

Neelix: I made your favorite!

Tuvok: I have no "Favorite."

Janeway: He knows, it's an empty bowl.

For using that age old excuse to avoid a date with a loser we have:

Alien: I can't tonight Harry... I'm... er... washing my hair...

For knowing how to piss off the Doctor in the most peculiar way we have:

The new auto-adjusting holographic vibrator designed by Lieutenant Paris was so effective it made Seska climax just holding it.

(The Doctor was not amused by this frivolous use of the Mobile Emitter.)

For a spectacular crossover meme we have:

NEELIX: Wait a minute, you're not Naomi...you're

BITSY: Picard, Bitsy Picard.

NEELIX: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

For proving humans really do need eyes in the back of their heads we have:

Janeway: "So... how's Earth?"
Barclay: "...Stable..."

A photoshop award goes to this entry for proving that it's never a good idea to surf porn while at work:

Mr Paris was not quick enough switching back to work
Janeway: Computer, run program exploding console-Paris, authorization Janeway-delta-4-7

And last but not least, the special Cawfee Spew Award goes to this entry that literally made me thankful for Depends, we have:

SESKA: yes...Yes!... YES!!!! OH GOD, YES!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE WINNERS!!

This week for your captioning pleasure we have:

and:

Ok then! I'm going to let this run for two weeks (unless we get gobs of entries, in that case i'll end it at one week)... so...have fun, set a course for home and engage!

 

[Yeoman Randi]

It became quite obvious to everyone on the crew that premature ejaculation was a problem Tom Paris seriously needed to address.

Harry: Umm.....I'll be in my bunk.

 

[Admiral Shran]

Alice: You must be the cold-hearted bitch he was talking about last night.
B'Elanna (offscreen): What makes you think that?!
Alice: Well, he said you were the only one on the ship with a washboard on your forehead.

Paris (thinking): Don't look at the women's asses or B'Elanna will kill you.

Chakotay: So, we need a test subject for this new wormhole. Who designed it anyway?
Tuvok: I believe it was Ensign Kim's idea.
Torres: Looks like you just volunteered Harry.
Kim: Sure, why not? It's been almost a week since I last died.

Woman: If you don't like the color, we can always dye the wig for you.
The Doctor: No thanks, I'll think I'll go with this guy's idea. Computer, one hat please.

Janeway: I said coffee, not Guinness.

 

[Saga]

Neelix: Would you like to try my new 'special' coffee Captain?

Janeway: What did you add that makes it 'special'?

Neelix: Vodka

Janeway: ...more please!

Chakotay: ...and this should keep Harry from impregnating the warp core. again.

Harry: I SAID I WAS SORRY!

 

[LeadHead]

Paris: That visit of Engineering was excruciating.

Alice: Yeah, I was giving you a headache the entire time.

Paris: No, not that. Watching B'Elanna and Seven of Nine argue hasn't been interesting since the fourth season.

Paris: If I understood correctly, this world is going to be destroyed sometime tomorrow.

Janeway: Damn, I shouldn't have paid up front for that massage the day after tomorrow.

B'Elanna: We just finished this Device this morning.

Chakotay: So what does this do?

Harry: We don't know yet, but isn't it cool?

Doctor: I am a Doctor, Not a Custodian.

Sandrine: The economy is tough for us all. Now get to work.

Neelix: I hope you enjoy the new coffee blend.

Janeway: What's in this new blend?

Neelix: Coffee beans and motor oil.

 

[SRFX]

Few crew members ever showed up for Harry Kim's Plasma Conduit Safety Awareness seminars.

Janeway: "This coffee is shit!"
Neelix: "Yep!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

JANEWAY: Is that a tentacle?

NEELIX: Per your orders, what I use to make 'coffee' is strictly "Dont ask. Don't tell."

JANEWAY: fill'er up.

 

[Nerys Myk]

ALICE: I cant wait to show the bridge crew the great outfits I made for us!!!!

PARIS (thinking): turbolift failure turbolift failure turbolift failure

 

[DGCatAniSiri]

Janeway: Neelix, you just filled my cup with DECAF. Out the airlock with you!

 

[Kirby]

Paris: So this is the planet where Wesley Crusher does all of his clothes shopping.

Once again the crew is required to watch the Starfleet training program on how to apply a force field condom.

Take my back-up wig and have it washed and styled for tomorrow night.

 

[SPCTRE]

I can't belive I've won - thanks Yeoman Randi <3

Once again the crew is required to watch the Starfleet training program on how to apply a force field condom.

 

[Isis]

Paris: "Damn, I left my condoms in my other Halloween costume."

Paris (to self): "I know Neelix likes practical jokes, but spiking the North Pole's water supply with human growth hormone was a bit too much."

B'Elanna: "Harry, I know Captain Janeway recommended that we all get to know each other better, but I don't think showing a mammogram of my right boob was quite what she meant."

The Doctor (to couple): "That was very caring of you to bring this patient to my attention. I'm sorry, but to my well-trained eye, she looks terminal."

Janeway: "Neelix, don't you dare put that other Polident tablet in my coffee. The first one was bad enough--it took off all my enamel."

Neelix: "Well, you said you wanted all the crud off your teeth."

 

[Alyssa]

Alice: Oh look, there showing Sex in the City 2, let's watch it

The wardrobe on Planet Benatton wasn't nearly as impressive as it's blimp ads.

Janeway: Oh it's okay little fella, no-ones gonna hurt you out here, just get into the cup and you'll be okay. Go on, get in ... Get in......GET THE HELL IN THE CUP YOU CAFFEINATED DEMON. I CRAAAAAVE YOU!!!!!

 

[Mistral]

Paris wasn't sure, but he suspected the local sun was to blame for rendering the entire population color-blind.

 

[Rat Boy]

Alice: "And remember, tonight's Grey's Anatomy night and you owe me for Monday Night Football."

Paris: "Now I remember why I dumped Alice in the first place."

Janeway: "What's wrong?"

Pairs: "Their clothes, they're so hideous. Must look away!"

Chakotay: "Behold: the Plot Device!"

The Doctor: "I'm a doctor, not a custodian!"

Neelix: "Too syrupy?"

 

[LeadHead]

Alice: You will do as I say, I already reprogrammed your TV to only show the Lifetime channel. It'll only get worse if you don't give in.

Paris: You don't mean?

Alice: I'll switch your Captain Proton holoprograms with recreations of The View.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Woman: "That's right, Mr. Big-Spending Spaceman, this is a high-class brothel! And if that's all you're willing to spend, this is what you get: 'the Skinny Girl with the Stringy Hair'!"
Man: "Here's the legs."

 

[Captain Crow]

Janeway loved coffee so much she would get an orgasm just at the sight of it being poured.

Doctor: You can't snooker me into mopping the floor.

 

[milo bloom]

Chakotay: "Behold: the Plot Device!"

Tuvok: It's only a model.

Woman: "That's right, Mr. Big-Spending Spaceman, this is a high-class brothel! And if that's all you're willing to spend, this is what you get: 'the Skinny Girl with the Stringy Hair'!"
Man: "Here's the legs."

Doctor: "Well, at least Lindsay Lohan has finally found some work."

 

[LeadHead]

Ahem to my good friend Rat Boy...

Doctor: I am a Doctor, Not a Custodian.

Sandrine: The economy is tough for us all. Now get to work.

The Doctor: "I'm a doctor, not a custodian!"

Luckily imitation is the highest form of flattery.