I have a problem

[Kestra]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that term. Can you elaborate?

The way I see it (and it may or may not be the same as 005 intended), it's the advertising of good deeds that I consider unhealthy. Sure, people always liked to make a show of their generosity and good deeds but, outside of a few high-profile philanthropists, that rarely went beyond family or maybe the neighbourhood. With the emphasis of our culture on communications and the ease of access to self-advertising, it is becoming a fashion trend. The guy that rescued a cat from a tree has 300,000 fans on facebook. The girl that tackled the mugger is interviewed on national television. Doing good is not enough. People want an audience. Possibly, a global one. A planetary "look at me, I'm gooooood!" cry. I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad thing: in the end, they are still doing good. But I cannot help but feel it is a slippery slope. There is too small a space between "Will this make me look good?" and "Why should I do this since there is nobody around to see it?"

I hope it makes sense also outside of my head.

This is EXACTLY what I was trying to say. Thank you, iguana, for elaborating on it more precisely than I was able to.

Everybody wants an audience these days, but they also want to have it because they think they deserve it. Not because they're making a big sturm and drang over here about some issue, but because they're good, self-sacrificial people.

It happens here on this very BBS all the time. There's a misunderstanding and someone apologizes, not because they're genuinely sorry but because they wish to gain the favor of public opinion here. That's narcissistic altruism and the people who suffer from it drive themselves nuts because they're never able to just be happy.

Interesting. Thanks for the elaboration, both of you. I can see some of what you're saying though I think you're touching on a few different things, and I don't know that I'd necessary use the terms narcissistic or altruism for some of these situations, the last one especially. But perhaps these are thoughts for a different thread!

 

[Angela 0077]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that term. Can you elaborate?

The way I see it (and it may or may not be the same as 005 intended), it's the advertising of good deeds that I consider unhealthy. Sure, people always liked to make a show of their generosity and good deeds but, outside of a few high-profile philanthropists, that rarely went beyond family or maybe the neighbourhood. With the emphasis of our culture on communications and the ease of access to self-advertising, it is becoming a fashion trend. The guy that rescued a cat from a tree has 300,000 fans on facebook. The girl that tackled the mugger is interviewed on national television. Doing good is not enough. People want an audience. Possibly, a global one. A planetary "look at me, I'm gooooood!" cry. I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad thing: in the end, they are still doing good. But I cannot help but feel it is a slippery slope. There is too small a space between "Will this make me look good?" and "Why should I do this since there is nobody around to see it?"

I hope it makes sense also outside of my head.

This is EXACTLY what I was trying to say. Thank you, iguana, for elaborating on it more precisely than I was able to.

Everybody wants an audience these days, but they also want to have it because they think they deserve it. Not because they're making a big sturm and drang over here about some issue, but because they're good, self-sacrificial people.

It happens here on this very BBS all the time. There's a misunderstanding and someone apologizes, not because they're genuinely sorry but because they wish to gain the favor of public opinion here. That's narcissistic altruism and the people who suffer from it drive themselves nuts because they're never able to just be happy.

Yes l have noticed that alot on this site.
Too keep in the good books with everyone here you have to have your say then shutup to a certain point .
Because if you dont you are dragged through the mud.

I am just glad that the person who started this thread was able to sort out his problem and was able to get on with his life.

 

[keekwai]

Two sugestions..

1.Find out what her ex-husband did that pissed her off so much and caused her to divorce him. Then mimic that behavior in her presense. She'll run for the hills. Problem solved.

2. Now this is radical .. Just be honest and tell her how you feel straight up.

 

[Lord Garth]

1.Find out what her ex-husband did that pissed her off so much and caused her to divorce him. Then mimic that behavior in her presense. She'll run for the hills. Problem solved.

Ha. Yeah right.

Not in a 100 million years. Not in a 100 billion years. He's scum. Period. I'd choke to death on my own vomit even making an attempt to be like him. More to the point, I just don't like him at all.

2. Now this is radical .. Just be honest and tell her how you feel straight up.

Too late. I already did. Read the rest of the thread please.

 

[keekwai]

screw her, dump her, and pray she doesn't come after you with a carving knife in the middle of the night.

Honest to God .. I was just about to say the exact same thing. Except for the knife. I was going to say "strangle"

 

[keekwai]

Too late. I already did. Read the rest of the thread please.

Do I HAVE to? Awww... alright.

(keekwai slowly plods off into the fog .. towards page 1 with head hung low)

 

[Holdfast]

3)start talking about that great beastiality site you found last night.

If life was a R-rated movie, that would backfire in the most horrible way possible.

screw her, dump her, and pray she doesn't come after you with a carving knife in the middle of the night.

Honest to God .. I was just about to say the exact same thing. Except for the knife. I was going to say "strangle"

You'll go far.

 

[Lord Garth]

I have someone with whom I definitely don't want to chat (relative) and she would get pissed if I didn't respond.

You can set up a separate group just for her ("Create a list") and then move her into that group as the sole inhabitant. Then, click it off, permanently. End of FB problem.

Done.

Before anyone asks why I don't just delete her, it'll create more attention. This approach is nice and stealthy.

You can't be friends with her. Tell her you're not interested, politely, and start cutting the ties. If you do the "just be friends" bit, she won't lay off. She'll take it as a challenge.

You've turned out to be completely right.

.
.
.

She told me she was "so sorry". She's getting evicted from her apartment too. And supposedly she'll be homeless. Despite a bunch of alternatives that I happened to point out. I'm sure "miraculously" she'll work something out eventually.

I only have so much patience to put up with nonsense.

EDIT

I've blocked off her phone number on my cell. I'm looking into anything I need to block off.

 

[Angela 0077]

Geez this woman is going through alot at this moment.
I do understand why uoi want to cut ties with her too.
If she will not listen to advice from you and you are not hadling the sitation l think it is time to go.
If this man she was with was quite volient l can understand the clinging part and ger hold on you.
She has said sorry to want she has done to you personally
It is a shame yjay uoi could not just befreind her through this sad time.

 

[keekwai]

Get a girlfriend (someone else) ... Or .. handle it like they do on American Sitcoms .. get someone else to pretend they're your GF.

 

[Lord Garth]

She's overstating her case, like she has a ton of times before. She always has these dramas that turn out to be over nothing. Like I said before she's a walking, talking drama. Always something going on. If it's not one thing, it's something else.

I don't know that her husband beat her (if he did she probably would've said), but he smokes pot, does other types of drugs, gets into fights, and does a bunch of stupid stuff.

A little background:

I met our mutual friend (who we'll call "Barbara") when I was in college. We were part of a co-ed club. After we all graduated Barbara would invite us (the former club members) over every week. She also invited "Clingy". Clingy didn't go to college but she was friends with Barbara since fifth grade. Clingy got invited too. This is when I met Clingy. So every week, Barbara, Clingy, myself, and a few other people would hang out. Clingy and I got along and after a year everyone got the feeling that Clingy liked me, even though she was married. Clingy always had some sort of drama but we tolerated it.

Anyway, Barbara's boyfriend moved with her and then we stopped getting together every week. Clingy got upset that Barbara's boyfriend was the reason we weren't getting together anymore. So Clingy called, complained, and then went to Barbara's apartment and kept ringing the doorbell though Barbara wouldn't answer. Eventually, Barbara cut Clingy out of the group and stopped inviting her to things.

Clingy would send me messages every now and then about how she missed me. Then starting a few months ago, Clingy started chatting with me regularly. I decided to give Clingy a second chance... then she started things too far and now it's at this point.

 

[Angela 0077]

Well if she does this type of thing on a regular basis it might be better to let her go.
You can help poeple to a certain point but if they are still drowning in there sorrows it is beter to lay it to rest.
Geez the bloke she was with was abit of a no hoper.
It is when poeple like this get into hard drugs and of cause all there wages is going into looking after the persons habit it would not be a nice place to be.
Getting into fights is bad too.
Gopefully this woman will learn to stand up on her two feet and get her life into gear.
Did she ave any childen to this man

 

[Lord Garth]

^ No. She got pregnant twice and miscarried both times.

 

[David cgc]

Call me old-fashioned but a woman doesn't ask a man to hold them, dance with them, or sleep over their place unless they're interested in them, right?

You'd be surprised. I certainly was.

 

[Angela 0077]

Oh that is so sad.
Sometimes when you have alot of strees on you this can happen.
Also with her former partner being into drugs it wouldnt have been a good eviroment for kids.
So in a way it is good this didnt come with the marrige

Does she have a job

 

[Lord Garth]

^ Nope. She lives off Unemployment. She lives with her brother who's employed though.

 

[keekwai]

Move

 

[Angela 0077]

Call me old-fashioned but a woman doesn't ask a man to hold them, dance with them, or sleep over their place unless they're interested in them, right?

You'd be surprised. I certainly was.

Well sometimes it is nice to be held.
Why is it that men seem to think that women do not want to be held and looked after
I would ask depending if l knew the person and that person was my Freind

But l do like it if a man asked me to dance the sleep over part would be up to the two poeple involved
I know l wouldnt ask to be taken to bed

But it is nice to have a man be abit old fashion in different ways

 

[Angela 0077]

Well she is lucky to have her brother.
It is a wonder that she doesnt go to him for advice.

 

[Lord Garth]

Yeah.

Even though I'm 31, I'm still establishing my own life. I'm not quite where I want to be yet, though I'm working on it. So I have things of my own to deal with.

Her stuff is just too much, and she's said she's seeing a therapist, and, let's face it she is a grown woman. There's only so much somoene can do, friend or not. People have to take responsibility for their own lives and learn from their mistakes. That's what I think.