I have a problem

[Kirk's_Tights]

It's not hard to sit someone down and tell them exactly what is on your mind. If she gets offended, who gives a shit, that is her problem to deal with.


If you can't do that, grow a damn backbone and ignore her. It's your own fault she still bugs you because you keep responding to her, giving her hope that there is going to be something between you two.

Not trying to be a bitch but I don't have sympathy for people who give the time of day to a person and then complain that the person wont leave them alone.

 

[O'Dib]

Do you honestly even wanna be friends though? I'm surprised you haven't already figured out the "sign in as invisible first in case she's there" and put her in a group of people you're never online for on facebook, to minimize contact. About being direct: sometimes doing nothing becomes so uncomfortable, even for the most complacent among us, that you're forced into action. Once you get over that first hump, it becomes easier.

I was in a similar situation. I went out once with an old elementary school friend to catch up, and she thought it was a date. Since then I agreed to hang out only when other mates were present. Her affections were obvious to everyone else as well, and my drunk buddies made fun. So, asking to see me alone again in a text message, she wrote that she wasn't trying to seduce me, she just loved the whole crew. To which I replied "fuck it, I know what you mean. I love drugs". That calmed her unwelcome advances for a good long while.

 

[Lord Garth]

Just acquaintances. That's what I want. "Friends" and "acquaintances" seems to have become interchangeable these days though. How else can people on Facebook have 588 friends?

I've done the "go offline" thing on Facebook and I've done the invisible on ICQ which is connected through Facebook. Problem is, with the "go offline" on Facebook, I can't see who else is online in case I want to talk to anyone else. With ICQ, it immediately loads whenever I turn on the computer and it goes directly to Facebook. If I don't "go offline" on ICQ or switch to invisible immediately, then... And I'm not going into hiding. That's lame.

Anyway, she's not online at the moment. She's more likely to be on at night and overnight.

 

[O'Dib]

Just acquaintances. That's what I want. "Friends" and "acquaintances" seems to have become interchangeable these days though. How else can people on Facebook have 588 friends?

lol, I once tried explaining to my ex, via e-mail, how we can still be "friends" even though we live in different countries and I refused to unblock and re-add her on facebook, share my new phone number, and so on. She didn't buy it.

I've done the "go offline" thing on Facebook and I've done the invisible on ICQ which is connected through Facebook. Problem is, with the "go offline" on Facebook, I can't see who else is online in case I want to talk to anyone else. With ICQ, it immediately loads whenever I turn on the computer and it goes directly to Facebook. If I don't "go offline" on ICQ or switch to invisible immediately, then... And I'm not going into hiding. That's lame.

Anyway, she's not online at the moment. She's more likely to be on at night and overnight.

You can create contact groups on facebook. Lately, I only go online for my closest friends.

 

[Holdfast]

Worst of all, I'm not the type who's going to just ignore someone if they send me a message. And I'm not the type where I want to hurt anyone.

But I have to confront this problem. And I have to do it with tact. I'm just quite not sure how to do this. There's no way to say things without saying them.

Yeah, well, it's time to learn, isn't it?

Why do I always get the clingy people?

Because you let them cling, I'd guess. How long has this been going on for?

No, but seriously, I'm going to say "I just want to be friends"

Recipe for serious hassle, IMO. Simpler and cleaner for the both of you to just cut her out.

Or, if you're feeling really evil, hook her up with your worst enemy...

 

[Lord Garth]

How long has this been going on for?

In its current, more serious incarnation: two months.

This was a (much milder) problem four years ago too but it faded away quickly, after I said in general terms that I wasn't interested in someone with baggage, then expressed an interest in someone else. It was a minor annoyance back then, but nothing more, and I forgot about it, it was off my mind after that. This time is completely different and her separation brought everything back to life.

EDIT

It started exactly after a would-be girlfriend and I mutually decided we had no chemistry. That's when it started. She must have seen seen we were both "available" and presto. That's how it started.

 

[Holdfast]

OK, how many alarm bells are ringing in your head right now? Because if it was me, I'd have tinnitus.

OK, two choices...

- if you're feeling sociopathic, screw her, dump her, and pray she doesn't come after you with a carving knife in the middle of the night.
- if you're feeling humane, tell her nothing is ever ever going to happen between the two of you, and never talk to her again. If she's a professional colleague, keep things to a bare minimum of interaction with no personal conversation at all.

My gut instinct tells me any middle ground between the two options and you will be hassled until the cows come home.

*shrug*

Just the vibes I'm getting from the story...

 

[Lord Garth]

Thanks for all of your input, everyone. I've appreciated it.

 

[JiNX-01]

She's had a difficult life. A very difficult life. A mutual friend of ours who has known her since fifth grade to attest to that.

She's not crazy but she is needy. She's lonely and, yeah, she does feel freedom. I think she wants to see how far she can go now that she's getting out of her marriage. And acting on feelings she couldn't act on in the past.

But, yeah, before I still had hope that she'd get the hint. I let this go on too long.

Sounds like she has difficulty coping without having someone in the picture. Unfortunately the someone she has picked is you.

You can encourage her to get counseling with an aim toward building a sense of self-worth (without having to derive it from having someone special in her life), which is what she is looking for in you.

 

[T'Grinch]

I've done the "go offline" thing on Facebook and I've done the invisible on ICQ which is connected through Facebook. Problem is, with the "go offline" on Facebook, I can't see who else is online in case I want to talk to anyone else. With ICQ, it immediately loads whenever I turn on the computer and it goes directly to Facebook. If I don't "go offline" on ICQ or switch to invisible immediately, then... And I'm not going into hiding. That's lame.

There's a way around that. I have someone with whom I definitely don't want to chat (relative) and she would get pissed if I didn't respond.

You can set up a separate group just for her ("Create a list") and then move her into that group as the sole inhabitant. Then, click it off, permanently. End of FB problem.

You can't be friends with her. Tell her you're not interested, politely, and start cutting the ties. If you do the "just be friends" bit, she won't lay off. She'll take it as a challenge.

 

[MANT!]

Napalm....

failing that Nuclear Missiles..

or tell her you're only attracted to other vegi-sexuals...

 

[SicOne]

There's no way to say things without saying them.

Then say them. It sounds to me like you already know what you have to do, you just need that little push to go through with it. I think you need to flat-out tell her that you don't share her feelings, and that she's being pushy and you want her to stop the behaviors that are bothering you. She'll probably be hurt and generate more drama, but from your description of her, she's going to act that way whether you do this or not. If she's not getting the hint in more subtle ways, sometimes the best route is direct.

Yes she is clinging onto you.
It looks as though she has got her self out of a shaky marrage which is good.
She seems lonely for abit of rebound love.
If it was me going through this l would sit her down and tell her that you want to be freinds and nothing else.
You can still be a freind but there is a limit if she keeps up what she is doing
So offer her your freindship but if she wants more say no.

Sometimes it is better to be upfront than have this going on for a couple of monthes knowing you dont want this
She might be upset about it but it is better to do it now not later.

Best advice I've seen. She will be upset at first, maybe even threatening-suicide-upset...but eventually she will direct her attentions towards someone else, maybe even someone who would like having a lady like her wrap her tentacles around their life.

Be upfront and firm. I am reminded of Pee-Wee Herman's line from "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure", when Dottie was pestering him in the bike shop. "Dottie, I like you. Like. I LIKE you!" You would enjoy being her friend...but you don't wanna be her everything. She will find that from someone else at some point, and you will probably be left in the dust.

Which sounds like a win-win for all parties involved, at this point.

 

[SicOne]

She's had a difficult life. A very difficult life. A mutual friend of ours who has known her since fifth grade to attest to that.

She's not crazy but she is needy. She's lonely and, yeah, she does feel freedom. I think she wants to see how far she can go now that she's getting out of her marriage. And acting on feelings she couldn't act on in the past.

But, yeah, before I still had hope that she'd get the hint. I let this go on too long.

Sounds like she has difficulty coping without having someone in the picture. Unfortunately the someone she has picked is you.

You can encourage her to get counseling with an aim toward building a sense of self-worth (without having to derive it from having someone special in her life), which is what she is looking for in you.

By giving her attention, she gets the validation she feels she needs in life, which clearly she did not get in her marriage, which only whets her appetite for more. You're being a nice guy, listening to her and being polite and patient with her, because you ARE a nice guy and you don't see the neccessity to be a dick. Yet. And the more nice you are, the more she's going to need.

You are trying, to your great credit, to humanely get her to cease this activity without coming across as a dick because she's been hurt enough, as you say. That's a great intention. But you do need to lay down some boundaries. It's going to hurt her feelings...but it's better for her in the long run that you have that conversation before you get to the point where you lose it and begin screaming at her, or do something similar which will put you right into the "Fatal Attraction" position, and you'll have to kill her to get rid of her.

Tell her you care, you like her as a friend and as a friend only, and if she values the friendship then she will have to accept those limitations. She may not even be aware that her activities are having these effects upon you, and other people. If she would really have you as a friend, she will accept that conversation.

Let us know how it goes. If you are able to pull it off, or tell us what went wrong when you tried, it would clearly help others on this board, whether they need to do it themselves...or help them cope when others have had to do that to them.

 

[Mr Awe]

But I have to confront this problem. And I have to do it with tact. I'm just quite not sure how to do this. There's no way to say things without saying them.

It sounds like it's time, past time, for a very frank talk. And, why do you have do it with tact at this point? If what you've written is true (no reason to doubt you), she's crossed many boundaries. You don't have to be unnecessarily rude, but you've got to make the point even if you do it without tact.

I suspect that you already know this and just really needed some confirmation.

One more thing, I suspect that this problem has grown overtime due to a failure to deal with it earlier. It sounds like you've known for years, taken some indirect measures to counter it, but never really directly spoken to her about it. In her mind, you've never said "no" directly to her, which is basically an invititation to keep trying.

Mr Awe

 

[Vendikarr]

How long has this been going on for?

In its current, more serious incarnation: two months.

This was a (much milder) problem four years ago too but it faded away quickly, after I said in general terms that I wasn't interested in someone with baggage, then expressed an interest in someone else. It was a minor annoyance back then, but nothing more, and I forgot about it, it was off my mind after that. This time is completely different and her separation brought everything back to life.

EDIT

It started exactly after a would-be girlfriend and I mutually decided we had no chemistry. That's when it started. She must have seen seen we were both "available" and presto. That's how it started.

You should say "Remember when we talked about baggage? Well just because you're separated, it doesn't mean your baggage is gone."

Let her know you like her as a friend (not with benefits) and if that isn't enough for her, this friendship is at an end.

Sometimes you just have to spell it out for people, feelings be damned.

 

[JonathonWally]

Sleep with her, call out other girls' names. Problem solved.

 

[TheBrew]

Find someone you don't like and mention to her how he is single and a big fan of commitment.

 

[Lord Garth]

I just sent her a message, as in just now.

Let us know how it goes. If you are able to pull it off, or tell us what went wrong when you tried, it would clearly help others on this board, whether they need to do it themselves...or help them cope when others have had to do that to them.

All I'm going to say is that I did tell her I didn't share her feelings. There's no reason to go into anything else here. It's not appropriate.

 

[Deckerd]

Sleep with her, call out other girls' names. Problem solved.

As ever, the Wally is wise beyond his tender years.

 

[iguana_tonante]

There is nothing tender about JW. Everything is hard and stiff.