TAS Caption Contest #23: Fantastic Voyages

[Rat Boy]

Quit making balloon ships, because it's time for another caption contest. First, let's surround and hiss at...

Bad enough that he's captain of a freighter, but our first winner adds insult to injury for the skipper of the S.S./U.S.S. Huron...

Woman: "*psst* Should I say something to him?"
Man: "I'm just going to keep looking into this viewer until he goes away."

And don't you just hate it when someone's blocking your view of the screen? Our second winner must hate that, too...

Romulan Commander: "Aha! A Federation starship!" (twists around in seat trying to look behind him) "Helm, Navigator, can you guys see this? Oh, alright, let me describe it for you. And, incidentally, who the hell designed this bridge!"

And I can only assume that the voice in this next winner's caption was portrayed by James Doohan...

Top Left Lizard: "What-the-hell?! You guys get spears and I get Fred Flintstone's wife-beating hammer?!

And finally, our cost cutting Photoshop winner...

Romulan commander: You've got to be shitting me! The animators just scribbled an Enterprise looking thing on a piece of notebook paper? I knew this was a cheaply made cartoon but come on!

Congrats to the winners. This week, we profile some of the more extreme animated voyages of the starship Enterprise. First, we have what could be the best shore leave ever. Second, the rec room malfunctions during a holographic recreation of Arthur Miller's The Crucible. And finally, we discover why Sulu really takes offense to being called "Tiny." Also, I'll be leaving this one up for three weeks, so make the most of it. Have fun:

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Ladies, please! The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised!"

Magistrate: "You are charged with heresy, torture, and crimes against humanity."

Kirk: "For what?"

Magistrate: "For 'The Way to Eden.'"

Arex: "I wasn't even in that episode!"

Sulu: "Could you point it a little lower, preferably at my crotch?"

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Three part:

Kirk: "Okay, we can't all be here. Someone has to be free to save us. Okay, let's see. Me, Spock, Arex, Uhura, Lucifer...hang on. Lucifer? Oh, I get it. This is a dream. Well I don't like this dream. What was that lucid dreaming technique Bones taught me? Let's see....

"Ah. Success. Much better".

"Wait, what?

Damn.

That'll teach me to dream with my crotch".

 

[Deranged Nasat]

"Damn. I've got the Spock-droid set in "romantic dance" mode. He keeps trying to waltz off!"

"You think you've got problems? The Kirk-droid is set on "Shatnerian emote"".

Spock: "I am, of course, mentally compiling our latest status report to Starfleet Command"

Kirk: "Oh boy. Admiral Nogura's going to have a field day with this one".

"It was nice of Trelane to give us these jobs in his Chocolate Factory wasn't it? That eccentric old toff isn't so bad".

 

[SeerSGB]

Trekkie #1: what the hell, all I said was Meyer ripped off Anne Rice

Trekkie #2: You think you fucked up, they found out I was on team Jacob.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Spock: "Oh this is good... 'I wonder what's happening on the Space Adventure Cobra set' he says. We won't be able to wipe that silly grin off his face for months."
Kirk: "Gaahhh!"

Disguised voice: "LET THE BUGGERING COMMENCE!"

McCoy: "Dammit Sulu, cut that out!"

Spock sigh: "Let's try it again Captain, that Sulu is small... Those Sulus are far away!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

MCCOY: Jim, I'm not sure this is the sort of video e-harmony likes.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Where's the old cracker? I thought the three of them always beamed down together! I'm not gonna just sit here and watch!

 

[Maurice]

SULU: Give it to me straight, Doc.
BONES: It's "Ken-Doll Crotch", dammit. And, Jim...there's no cure!

KIRK: Analysis, Spock?
SPOCK: The odds of a Rabbi Gornstein appearance are now one million, seven hundred seventy one thousand, five hundred sixty one.

 

[Gepard]

"No, Mr. Sulu, I expect you to die."

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: Indeed Captain, the Spanish Inquisition was most unexpected.

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Uhura: I ain't wearing no scarlet letter on my chest. Chapel here's the one who kept putting the moves on Spock while her man was being turned into an android on some frigid wasteland.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Scotty: "Well, they convicted me for having a funny accent. What did they get you for, Uhura?"
Uhura: "Showing too much leg."
Rand: "Me too! What about you, Dr. McCoy?"
McCoy: "Practicing witchcraft without a license. Jim?"
Kirk: "Just for being an all-around smart-ass. Spock?"
Spock: "Scaring small children."

"Beginning to relax a little, gentlemen? Getting a little turned on? Good...because now it's time for you to learn the horrible secret of Planet Gaga!"

Kirk: "Wait! Wait! Wait! I just found a computer file on an old twentieth-century vasectomy procedure that appears to be much less invasive!"

Spock: "Based on our seating accommodations, I surmise that whatever we are about to witness is going to be extraordinarily boring."

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Sulu: Hey, doc, just snip the tip.

 

[Isis]

Spacelady 1: "I haven't had this much fun since I taught Buzz Aldrin how to dance."

Spacelady 2: "Well, based on his 'Dancing With the Stars' performance, I can see you did a 'great' job."

 

[Admiral Shran]

Kirk and McCoy: "Oompa Loompa Doompadee Doo. / I've got another puzzle for you. / Oompa Loompa Doompadah Dee. / If you are wise you'll listen to me."
McCoy: "What do you get from a glut of TV?"
Kirk: "A pain in the neck and an IQ of three."
McCoy: "Why don't you try simply reading a book?"
Kirk: "Or could you just not bear to look?"
Kirk and McCoy: "You'll get no / You'll get no / You'll get no / You'll get no / You'll get no commercials. / Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah. / If you're not greedy you will go far. / You will live in happiness too, / Like the Oompa / Oompa Loompa Doompadee Do."
Sulu: "You know, I'm really getting tired of this. Now change me back!"

 

[Admiral Shran]

Queen: Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance!

 

[Rat Boy]

Queen: "We can't dunk the basketball, but we have good fundamentals. It's more interesting that way."

Kirk: "If by interesting you mean boring...*ACK*!"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Spock: I find it hard to agree with Doctor McCoy, but he was correct in ascertaining that "one day your crotch was going to get us into trouble."
Kirk: Shut up, Spock.

 

[Rat Boy]

Magistrate: "First, you will be flogged!"

Kirk: "That's not so bad."

Magistrate: "Then you will be caned!"

McCoy: "I've had worst."

Magistrate: "Then you will be whipped!"

Scotty: "I'm already drunk, so what do I care?"

Magistrate: "Then you will be sodomized!"

Sulu: "This is the best planet ever!"