How many people here feels lonely alot!

[freak]

I'd go in there every week in a reasonably good mood...and come out an hour later so depressed and upset that it would take me the next 2 days to climb out of the hole 'talking about it' put me into.

That would be okay if these guys had given me any ideas whatever about how I could fix my 'issues' (which mostly had to do with my mother) or move past them....

But I'd give anything to be 'fixed'...if that's even possible.

Talking generally, using your post merely as a jumping-off point for general discussion, rather than specifically discussing your case...

... I suspect many therapists would view a desire to be "fixed" and to "be given ideas... about to fix issues" as something that needs exploration through the sessions rather than questions to be answered by the therapist. In fact, therapists would likely go to great lengths to avoid directly replying to those queries with a brief answer and would instead ask what you meant.

Also, feeling worse after a session isn't unusual and in fact can be a positive, showing that one has started to encounter and break down potentially unhelpful defence mechanisms. It can often take months or longer to really get behind defence mechanisms and then begin the real work of therapy.

Of course, such work is not for everyone. At some level, the client must want to do this sort of work, and not all clients are ready/wanting to do it, or even needing it doing at a particular point in their life. If that's the case, a different psychotherapeutic model would be indicated, otherwise the process becomes empty. But sometimes, despite best efforts at initial assessment, one can only find out for sure by "sucking & seeing".

I personally found psychodynamic work to be far deeper, more rewarding and meaningful than CBT. CBT is more superficial, goal-oriented and, to be honest, duller to do. But it can certainly give clients a bigger toolbox to work with, it helps lots of people and it's cheaper to deliver. And it can also be a jumping off point for CAT or eventually other deeper work.

But all that may say more about my worldview than the therapies themselves. The efficacy of a psychotherapeutic modality is most correlated with the quality of the therapeutic alliance between client and therapist (although one can deliver elements of CBT through computer interfaces), so it's not surprising that therapists will naturally gravitate to modalities they personally enjoy delivering. I enjoyed the challenge of doing psychodynamic work much more than CBT; you get to explore some interesting concepts and you constantly have to think about what's going on in the room, helicoptering up and down in a way you don't have to with CBT.

*shrug* I don't use either therapy extensively, mind you, since I practice psychiatry rather than psychotherapy. But one inevitably uses elements of them in psychiatric practice, otherwise one would risk becoming horribly dependent on narrow pharmacological interventions without regard for a bigger, and more important, picture.

Well, I can understand and appreciate why you guys would think CAT (whatever that is - I assume the 'talking about it' approach) would be more interesting for you. But with all due respect, I'm not paying for the therapist to have an 'interesting' time. I'm paying for someone to tell me what the hell is wrong with me, and help me on the road to fixing it so that I can, before I frakkin' DIE, have a few years of happiness in this life.

I know that sounds harsh...and forgive me for sounding so as it is not your fault. But looking at this from my perspective, at this point, I feel like I've been depressed and alone my entire life, and despite spending some serious money (as well as time and emotional energy) to TRY and get myself sorted, it hasn't paid off.

And frankly, time is running out.

We only have one life...and already I've spent more than half a lifetime being miserable. I don't want to spend what time I have left being miserable, and so I want someone to just stop the bullshit noise and chatter and tell me what the hell I can DO.

Because I have no frakkin' clue.

I get it. My mother is a narcissistic personality type who doesn't have the ability to care about anyone or anything, except in terms of how it effects HER. I get it, and I have internalized it. She is not gonna give me what I need from a mother, and never will - she doesn't have the bits and pieces within her that would allow her to love...or even show a minimal amount of support in any way for anyone other than herself.

Fine. But I'm over it. Past it. What's done is done.

And it sure as hell does not explain to me the fact that I have been unsuccessful in finding ANY love at all in this life.

What is easy for everyone else - to just fine a LITTLE love in this life, has been an impossible task for me. I'm smart, I'm a hard worker, I'm a good conversationalist, I have a good sense of humor, I am not a financial burden on anyone. I am in good health, I practice good hygiene, I'm not deformed, I don't have any bizarre personality ticks, I am pretty easy to live with, and am capable of holding down a job. I'm well-read, well-traveled, and fairly cultured. I'm no beauty, mind you...but I don't think I'm outright ugly either. And besides, I've seen plenty of pretty doggone homely people find someone.

And yet....I can honestly say that I have NEVER in this entire life felt like ANYONE has ever loved me. Used me? Yes. Oh MY, how they have used me!!! Man, do I have some stories to tell there!

But loved me? NEVER.

And I want to know what the fuck is up with that....and how I can fix it. Because it's gotta be me - not all of them.

Maybe it's just the accountant in me or something...but I want to believe that every problem has a solution...and that if you invest enough in something - money, time, emotional energy - whatever...that one day it will pay off.

But so far, I've sunk a hell of alot of all of those resources into this issue, and I am in no better position than when I started. Except for the fact that I no longer try to please my mother and attempt to get her to love me.

$30,000 later (at least, over the past 30 years)....and all I have to show is the fact that I no longer give a shit what my 84-year old mother wants or thinks. Whoopee!

If it wasn't so depressing to think about, it would be comical.

Man...I really didn't mean to go into this in this thread. But wow - now I am really angry. Not at you, Holdfast - not at you. But at this whole situation.

Wow..I read this post and was flabbergasted! I'm really sorry to read about your mother and her issues..and the fact that you don't feel loved. I don't know what I would ever do if Mom had a condition like that and she never felt like she could "love me". And I know what it feels like to be "used" like a little gopher most of the time without compensation. It really sucks, but for me, that's life right now. I kinda feel the same way you do-like no man is ever gonna love me..I have certain issues, like trusting people for instance and body issues I need to sort out. I'm always thinking I'm fat or too unattractive for a man..then I see some HUGE woman and there is a man right beside her, holding her hand in a Wal-Mart. I think to myself "will I ever be that lucky in life to find someone like that or am I just kidding myself?" I feel like my time is running out as well..I'm not getting any younger..seriously thinking about going on online sites to find someone but don't wanna spend the extra money to do it. I'm always afraid about those types of sites too..like some 60 year old pervert or something is gonna be on there to stalk me and kill me in my sleep. I'm paranoid about stuff like that! So I know how you feel..life's a bitch, then you die I guess. But just think..100 years from now we won't remember any of this and hopefully the groundhog will start bringing in our mail!(our former mechanic made that comment just the other day to me and it has definitely stuck with me) So all I can say is hang in there and you have a friend if you wanna pm me and talk. I'll listen..I can be your little punching bag if you like.

 

[RandyS]

What's with everyone feeling lonely most of the time? Is it that hard?

I guess so. Being lonely can become a strong habit just like smoking on something like that. It's something you've always done, so you continue to do it.

Tell me about it. The most ironic thing about finally getting a girlfriend was that my alone time wasn't mine anymore. And after almost twenty years of it, it became like an old friend. One that I looked forward to spending time with. Still, I wouldn't go back to my old way of life for anything.

 

[ThankQ]

What's with everyone feeling lonely most of the time? Is it that hard?

Yes, it is. Finding a date is not easy. Not for me, anyway. I guess I just don't have the gift, not like that guy from the Dos Equis commercial.

TIP: Dab a smidge of Vick's Vapor Rub behind your left ear. ts'like magic!

 

[Amaris]

Last night, I dreamed that I had a girlfriend, and that she loved me. It felt like we had known each other for a long time, and that she was more than a girlfriend, she was someone I aspired to be with.

She told me once, when I was afraid to be with her because of my ever present family 'obligations', "why do you do this? Why do you hide your feelings from them? Don't you have a right to be happy too? Don't you have a right to make your life what you want it to be? Independent of what your family thinks? Who is my boyfriend? You or your family?"

There was more to that dream, quite a bit more, and I have awakened from that dream, but the words stick with me. I feel different, like maybe I have reached a point where things can change. I don't know. It's such an odd feeling. The dream felt real, so very real, and for a while I just laid there in the bed, with my eyes open, and thought about it. I felt a sense of "she's out there" when awaking from that dream, and now I feel hopeful, although I can't really explain why.

J.

 

[An Officer]

It's great to hear that you feel a sense of hope. I have always felt though, that you should never pin happiness or a sense of completion on another person. It's not fair on them, and it's not fair to you.

 

[Traveller]

Last night, I dreamed that I had a girlfriend, and that she loved me. It felt like we had known each other for a long time, and that she was more than a girlfriend, she was someone I aspired to be with.

She told me once, when I was afraid to be with her because of my ever present family 'obligations', "why do you do this? Why do you hide your feelings from them? Don't you have a right to be happy too? Don't you have a right to make your life what you want it to be? Independent of what your family thinks? Who is my boyfriend? You or your family?"

There was more to that dream, quite a bit more, and I have awakened from that dream, but the words stick with me. I feel different, like maybe I have reached a point where things can change. I don't know. It's such an odd feeling. The dream felt real, so very real, and for a while I just laid there in the bed, with my eyes open, and thought about it. I felt a sense of "she's out there" when awaking from that dream, and now I feel hopeful, although I can't really explain why.

J.

I think that was your soul giving you a pep-talk.

 

[Capn Flukie]

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Look at all the lonely people!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!

Look at all the lonely people!!!!!!!

()

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ They shouldn't give up until they drink from a silver cup, or ride that highway in the sky.

 

[Capn Flukie]

I we nt thru the desert on a horse withi no name.... alonee. :sad:

damn I usaully can type durnk dam

 

[RJDiogenes]

Eh, just set your sights on Monday and get yourself undressed.

 

[Capn Flukie]

but hte heat was hot and the humans feel now love!!

 

[RJDiogenes]

You're a crazy man and you're playing your crazy games.

 

[Capn Flukie]

oraz zen agve nothing to the tim man that he already didn't have.

 

[Zulu Romeo]

I think Flukie should be drunkl more often.

 

[RJDiogenes]

The nights are stronger than moonshine.

 

[Capn Flukie]

ad least i"m not depressedd! could bae if I wanna be, but I don't

 

[Capn Flukie]

I aheve blacberry bandy and drr pepaer mmmm!!!!

 

[RoJoHen]

I aheve blacberry bandy and drr pepaer mmmm!!!!

What a bizarre combination!

 

[RJDiogenes]

I'm glad you're happy. Not so glad about the Dr Pepper, but, hey, how you live your life is your own business.

 

[Capn Flukie]

it's delicious c'mon! blackerrys and prunes, whats not to like!

eta:: I may be posting from th john tomorrow lol