Need to vent, long read so don't click if you don't feel like it

[Danoz]

You're a sweet girl with a zest for life and happiness.
You deserve better. Much better. He'll drag you down if you continue.

J.

Seconded.

 

[SmoothieX]

I have no idea where that other thread went where I previously vented about this relationship of mine (someone else made that thread) but anyways, here we go again.

First off, in that other thread, I said 80% of the time, my common law moron and I were happy. I lied. I just didn't feel like admitting that this could possibly be a failure because I don't enjoy the thought of failing.


So today, he wakes up at 3PM, yet another waste of a day. He sits on the couch with me and starts to joke around with me, all things are dandy. Then, he lifts my shirt (not all the way, just enough to show my midriff) and I tell him not to do it in a friendly tone (it's just plain irritating to have someone acting like a 5 year old and lifting up your shirt when you're trying to sit on the couch and read some news). Apparently not understanding english, he lifts it again. I tell him again, don't do it. He gets all upset and starts blah blah blahing about how he hates living here, etc. and I say what the heck, I just told you not to lift my shirt, no need to get upset, so he starts calling me a 'stupid fucking slut' (which is ironic because he's the only man I have ever been with and he's the stupid asshole who decided last year to hop on to Craig's List and send two emails to two girls, one even had my name, but failed because I found his emails).

He then throws the usual hissy fit of calling me every name he can think of and generally talking down to me, and then goes and takes a shower.

Note that we had planned to go to the Canadian National Exhibition today.

Anyways, after he gets out of the shower, he gets dressed and starts getting his shoes on. I walk over and say 'so are we gonna go today or what?' and like a shy little baby, he mumbles 'no, I am going somewhere else'. I can barely hear him so I said what and he says 'no, I am going somewhere else' so I ask where he is going and he says 'I am going to my dad's, I will bring him to the CNE' and I tell him he is childish and I go sit back down on the couch and let him leave because I don't care (btw, I also have the pre-purchased tickets that aren't being sold anymore so if he ever did go, enjoy wasting like 2 hours of your time in line while I go and just walk right in).


I don't really understand how him going with his dad (I know him well enough to know he isn't really doing this, it's just the little game he plays) is suppose to hurt my feelings. It's grey and on and off rainy outside so walking outdoors isn't exactly the most pleasant thing right now.

Last night, a similar thing happened. We were sitting on the couch, both on our laptops, and I noticed from the corner of my eye that he kept looking over at me so I asked him why he keeps looking at me, yet again in a friendly tone, and he gets all pissed off while I stare in shock that he got upset over me simply asking why he keeps glancing over. I just got up, brushed my teeth and went to bed.


I don't understand why people have to act like such total assholes. I do the dishes, I do his laundry, I fold his laundry and clean out his drawers by re-folding everything so it's nice and neat for him, I clean around the apartment, I take care of all 4 of our pets, I feed myself, I go grocery shopping, I pay the rent BY MYSELF.....he cooks on occasion and walks around at work with a phone in his hand and sits at a desk practically all day chatting with his friends yet he always acts as if he's the hardest worker in the world.

He's also big at judging. Pink hair? OMG YOU'RE A PUNK. Gee, so sorry I am unique and enjoy throwing some 'not so normal' colours in my hair, which he knew I did before we even started dating. He also has this dumb thing where if it's from Wal-Mart, don't tell anyone its's from Wal-Mart. K, thanks, but while you pay $85 for jeans that have a stupid Tommy flag on it, I'll pay $20 for jeans that will outlast your $85 ones and tell everyone about it. He even gets mad if some random guy looks at me. It's always WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GUY STARING AT???


There's more but whatever, I think I've taken enough of your time. I just can't believe how rotten and ungrateful a person is. Without getting TOO personal, his needs get met yet he still acts like an asshole when he should be shaping the hell up because he's no fucking champ.


If anyone else needs to vent about a relationship or whatever else, feel free to share with us. Makes you feel way better after.

OK, let's see...

1. He wakes up at 3 in the afternoon,
2. Doesn't get what 'no' means,
3. Even if not actively cheating, is still up to something fishy on the side,
4. Plays mental games
5. Doesn't pull his weight around the house,
6. And is insecure around other guys, which to me is one part inferiority complex, one part lack of trust in you.

It's tough to get rid of someone you've been with for that long, but it sounds like you need to boot his ass to the curb.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

I haven't had time to read everything, I am just popping in for a minute but I will get to reading all of it and I do appreciate everyone's input.

I guess I have some SHOCKING news.


Now, I'd like to start by saying that I was very angry when I typed this up. None of it was a lie but a few of those things are from when we first started dating. He doesn't care about the whole brand name thing anymore and he rarely complains about other guys looking. Just wanted to throw that out there because I know people are thinking he is a piece of shit after reading what I typed but, in actuality, it really comes down to both of us.

For one, I am certainly not perfect so I don't want anyone to think I don't make mistakes. I also get angered a bit easily at times myself. Most recently, I've been in a crappy mood because my 2009 has been flat out bad. I lost my job, I lost my cat, nothing seemed to go right at all. I am certainly guilty of getting angry with him for no reason other than just wanting to yell at someone because of my bad luck.


In all honesty, we do happen to get along more than we don't get along. I sometimes get stressed because he is on afternoon shift and I just long for a 'normal' life where I can eat dinner with him like a couple should but I am instead home alone until he is finished work so that can get to me at times. It really sucks sitting here by myself, which is why I am so thankful for my pets, because the 4 of them keep me in good company.

He is actually a very kind and sweet person who cares a lot (I know this is hard to believe but trust me on this one).

Now, for the 'shocking' news.

I have no idea what popped into his head when he went for his drive that day but he came home, came into the room where I was, and decided to talk about things, which he NEVER does. I told him everything that I didn't like about the relationship and he apologised for being an asshole and explained to me that he has been stressed out because he hasn't gotten any sleep (which is true, he hasn't had many good sleep nights for literally weeks) and we just got deep into conversation and let everything out.

We don't argue every single day. Once a week.....maybe, but it's actually a lot less than that. The things I mentioned in my opening post was basically a summary of random things that have happened over 6 years. I guess I failed to explain that so people probably think he's that much of a bastard all the time.


Anyways, I also didn't call him that day, like I usually do when he goes off for his drive, so I think that may have gotten him to finally realise that I've had enough of that garbage.


The past two days have been AMAZING. We went to the CNE on Sunday and had a fantastic time. He drove me to the mall today before work so I could go shopping.

Hopefully, this can keep up.

I am not saying this just because I am in a good mood but I really hope that people wouldn't think too badly about him. He's an ass at times, I can be as well, I just know that the shitty things he does (name calling) is just his way of letting his anger out and he doesn't mean it. I just really needed to vent because I was pissed beyond belief.

Thanks everyone, I hope I don't ever have to vent again.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

I haven't had time to read everything, I am just popping in for a minute but I will get to reading all of it and I do appreciate everyone's input.

I guess I have some SHOCKING news.


Now, I'd like to start by saying that I was very angry when I typed this up. None of it was a lie but a few of those things are from when we first started dating. He doesn't care about the whole brand name thing anymore and he rarely complains about other guys looking. Just wanted to throw that out there because I know people are thinking he is a piece of shit after reading what I typed but, in actuality, it really comes down to both of us.

For one, I am certainly not perfect so I don't want anyone to think I don't make mistakes. I also get angered a bit easily at times myself. Most recently, I've been in a crappy mood because my 2009 has been flat out bad. I lost my job, I lost my cat, nothing seemed to go right at all. I am certainly guilty of getting angry with him for no reason other than just wanting to yell at someone because of my bad luck.


In all honesty, we do happen to get along more than we don't get along. I sometimes get stressed because he is on afternoon shift and I just long for a 'normal' life where I can eat dinner with him like a couple should but I am instead home alone until he is finished work so that can get to me at times. It really sucks sitting here by myself, which is why I am so thankful for my pets, because the 4 of them keep me in good company.

He is actually a very kind and sweet person who cares a lot (I know this is hard to believe but trust me on this one).

Now, for the 'shocking' news.

I have no idea what popped into his head when he went for his drive that day but he came home, came into the room where I was, and decided to talk about things, which he NEVER does. I told him everything that I didn't like about the relationship and he apologised for being an asshole and explained to me that he has been stressed out because he hasn't gotten any sleep (which is true, he hasn't had many good sleep nights for literally weeks) and we just got deep into conversation and let everything out.

We don't argue every single day. Once a week.....maybe, but it's actually a lot less than that. The things I mentioned in my opening post was basically a summary of random things that have happened over 6 years. I guess I failed to explain that so people probably think he's that much of a bastard all the time.


Anyways, I also didn't call him that day, like I usually do when he goes off for his drive, so I think that may have gotten him to finally realise that I've had enough of that garbage.


The past two days have been AMAZING. We went to the CNE on Sunday and had a fantastic time. He drove me to the mall today before work so I could go shopping.

Hopefully, this can keep up.

I am not saying this just because I am in a good mood but I really hope that people wouldn't think too badly about him. He's an ass at times, I can be as well, I just know that the shitty things he does (name calling) is just his way of letting his anger out and he doesn't mean it. I just really needed to vent because I was pissed beyond belief.

Thanks everyone, I hope I don't ever have to vent again.

Errr, you may want to skip everyone's posts except mine and Drones. At least you do have a lot of loyal support on the board.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

I'll have to keep that in mind when I start to read everything, lol.


Just noticed a lot of people make it out to be a lot worse than it is....which really isn't fair because I did just explain a few occasions and didn't explain the other side of the story, which is the part I just explained about me having my own moments of asshole-ish behaviour (though name calling isn't really my thing to do, I just yell) and how it happens far less than people seem to think. It's just been lately (well, mostly this year because of all the BS that has happened) that was shaping up to be an all out year of arguments but with stress on both sides, it's not hard to argue.

The rent thing is a weird one....since we are common law, he looks at the money we both have as 'our money'.....which I don't mind too much because he does give me money for the only two bills I have, which are the Rogers bill (cable/internet/phone) and my Visa, plus he goes to the bank and withdraws money for me to go shopping once in a while so I will have the cash in my bank to pay for rent (which isn't hard anyways because I made awesome money when I was working and have money from the payout they gave me so I am not hurting for money and are ahead)....it's just strange to me that we don't have a joint account and a little money for rent, whether I need it or not, would be nice......but as long as I get shopping money, I guess I can't complain <_<


Also, I'm not 'stupid'. I stand my ground and take no shit from anyone. I don't cry when he calls me names or walks out for his drive. I just tell him to fuck off, basically. The problem is that people are thinking this is an everyday occurance. It's not. I just don't like venting on facebook where most of the people I have on my list are mutual friends from work because it's none of their business what happens and since people here are basically strangers who wont go gossiping at work about us, I felt better just bitching about it.


Besides those two girls, he has never emailed anyone else and told me he wouldn't have done anything with them, he just emailed them because he was mad at me at the time (can't remember why...) but he seriously does feel like a piece of shit for doing it.

I am not saying the things he has done is acceptable in any way possible. I am saying that people don't personally know him (which I am not blaming anyone because you guys are just reading my venting and drawing conclusions from there so no worries ) but he is a lot more caring than he is being pictured.


I do have a lot of things in common with his friends but I think it's because his friends are a little more....immature, I guess, lol. We all like retro cartoons and wrestling and video games.....stuff like that. He likes some things I like as well, he just doesn't want to gab about it as much as I do.


Thank you again to everyone who helped out here. I am hoping this time around, he 'gets it', which he seems to be so far. You are all a wonderful help and I will know where to turn if I ever need some advice.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Well, I did mention that it was possible we didn't have the whole story, and it looks like I was right!

I'm glad things aren't that way all the time and that you were, erm, bending the truth a bit. It does make things sound less terrible than they first appeared.

I think most of us here just want you to be happy, but we only know what you tell us of your life. So, of course, if you only tell us bad things about him, we aren't going to think much of him. Sounds like he's not really that way and you were just blowing up because you were pissed.

Either way, I hope you're both happy together and work through any problems you may have.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

Thank you

When a person is angry, it's easy to just point out the other person's flaws and not your own so I wanted everyone to know I am not some sort of princess. I am almost always a bubbly, happy, outgoing person who loves to have a lot of fun but I also have my dad's temper....and it isn't pretty :/ but nothing I said was made up (about the things he says and does), it's all 100% true, it's just not true that it happens all the time, which I never said it did anyways, it just gets a bit out of hand with the name calling. It's so....high school. But I think this time he did realise that I don't try to stop him from leaving and the not calling was a clue that I stopped caring if he drives away anymore. I wonder what it feels like to suddenly realise that the person you care about has stopped caring if you drive off anymore. It obviously made a lightbulb go off in his head.

I am actually a bit surprised at how much people here care, though. Never been to a messageboard before where even people who don't really know me show that they care about my feelings.

I did get a bit of a laugh from the arguing that broke out here, haha.

 

[Australis]

I kinda expected a post like this.

We all do and say stupid things in our relationships. As long as, at the end of the day, you're happy, it's all shiny. As can be seen in this thread, we've all had our share of bad relationships... and full of advice about them.

Mind you, I still think the Temple of K'Tights is a good idea.

 

[Kestra]

I am actually a bit surprised at how much people here care, though. Never been to a messageboard before where even people who don't really know me show that they care about my feelings.

People here can be quite sweet.

Just ... be careful. And remember that just because you're not an angel, doesn't give him the right to disrespect you.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Thank you

When a person is angry, it's easy to just point out the other person's flaws and not your own so I wanted everyone to know I am not some sort of princess. I am almost always a bubbly, happy, outgoing person who loves to have a lot of fun but I also have my dad's temper....and it isn't pretty :/ but nothing I said was made up (about the things he says and does), it's all 100% true, it's just not true that it happens all the time, which I never said it did anyways, it just gets a bit out of hand with the name calling. It's so....high school. But I think this time he did realise that I don't try to stop him from leaving and the not calling was a clue that I stopped caring if he drives away anymore. I wonder what it feels like to suddenly realise that the person you care about has stopped caring if you drive off anymore. It obviously made a lightbulb go off in his head.

I've been with my wife for a long time. I know what you're talking about here. Have you ever talked to him about the name-calling and so forth? Different people handle anger differently. He might not be bothered by name-calling but doesn't realize what it's like to you. Usually, you can each point out something the other does that you find hurtful, and commit to making an effort to improve that. The key is that it's not one-sided. No doubt there are things you do that he really hates, too.

At some point you do have to let him run off and throw his fits, so it's good you don't stop him. Sometimes people just need time away. And since you let him go, if he's trying to play a game, he'll realize it doesn't work on you anymore.

I am actually a bit surprised at how much people here care, though. Never been to a messageboard before where even people who don't really know me show that they care about my feelings.

I did get a bit of a laugh from the arguing that broke out here, haha.

There are good people here. I think, being Trek fans, a lot of us are pretty sensitive about relationship issues and helping each other in general. A lot of us dealt with a lot of alienation growing up and I can see how that would translate into being a lot more empathetic.

I don't know you very well or anything, but as someone who's also still with his first love, I know it can be very trying as you both grow and change. It's not easy to figure out what keeps you together as time goes on. But the key is to not be afraid to step back and examine that and realize you can still have a relationship even if it's not exactly like the one you had years ago.

 

[Captain Ice]

KT, I for one am glad that things really are not as your first post made them appear. From your subsequent posts, he does sound like a decent guy and I do hope that he really did get the message.

 

[freak]

I think, and this is me personally, that this guy is verbally abusing you because he has some issues with himself that he hasn't been dealing with. Does he think that attacking you and acting like a big baby when you do EVERYTHING for him is gonna get him what he wants from you??! I think not! I'm not really sure what I would do if I were in your situation, but I will tell you this: get the hell away from this guy as quick as you can! I believe that it's wrong of you to pay his rent when he is working and making his own money. If he's living with you, yall should split the cost of the rent and utilities. I know this guy is your first love, but calling you a "slut" is asking for trouble. I think this guy has his own insecurities that he's just not dealing with at the moment and calling you names and belittling you makes him feel better(however sick that may sound). I agree with everyone being assholes nowadays. In my state, people are jerks every single day, but when I was in Texas a few nights ago, everyone there was willing to go out of their way to help you and were really very nice and friendly. I wouldn't have minded living in Frisco, Texas(that's where we went btw). If I ever find a man and get married, I may move there.
Sorry to hear of your troubles with this guy. You seem like a really nice person and are well liked by everyone here @ TBBS from what I have gathered. You shouldn't have to deal with this at all and it's a shame that this guy is treating you this way. Just hang in there. Maybe he'll apologize to you and make things better.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Well, I'm very glad and relieved to hear from you, KT, and that you're doing fine. This is what I've been saying all along, and everyone keeps telling me to shush up.

But hey, it's okay, folks, I forgive you (y'all know who you are) for your harshness and not knowing any better. When you think about it, the grain of salt advice goes both ways.

"I told you soooooo, yeah, I told you sooooo ..."

 

[sidious618]

This is what I've been saying all along, and everyone keeps telling me to shush up.

No, it wasn't and you know it.

 

[StarTrek1701]

******AHEM!!******

You see, KT is the kind of woman who'd stay with this man for years and years and complain till her mouth falls off, but in the end she'll still stay with him. Any advice you guys are giving her will be falling on deaf ears, as by the looks of it she doesn't seem to be considering leaving him. *shrug* I have seen women (and many whiny men) do this for years and years till something truly horrible happens. Calling her a stupid slut is by no means a small thing. It wasn't said in jest nor was it said in the throes of passion, and even then it'd be 'sexy slut' or 'fucking slut'. Anyways, him being able to say that to her means that he has absolutely no respect for her. Just saying that he's her first love is no excuse. She should leave immediately before more harm comes upon her.

 

[Captain Ice]

And if everyone else would drop this little side discussion and get back to addressing KT's posts, that would be appreciated.

But hey, it's okay, folks, I forgive you (y'all know who you are) for your harshness and not knowing any better. When you think about it, the grain of salt advice goes both ways.

"I told you soooooo, yeah, I told you sooooo ..."

This is what I've been saying all along, and everyone keeps telling me to shush up.

No, it wasn't and you know it.

*AHEM* I do believe you two were told to stop derailing this thread with your petty argument. Just in case it isn't absolutely clear to both of you, I'll say it again. Drop it. NOW.

 

[Gryffindorian]

This is what I've been saying all along, and everyone keeps telling me to shush up.

No, it wasn't and you know it.

Edited per Moderator message.

 

[Daneel]

I'm glad to hear things are better now, KT, and that he apologized for his behaviour. I'm also glad to hear that this sort of thing isn't a regular occurrence for you (it's certainly not uncommon for a venting person to focus entirely on the negatives when they're fresh from a particularly nasty fight).

That said, even if he isn't always a jerk, I still have some concerns, if you don't mind my saying. Some of the stuff you described in your OP is completely unacceptable IMO (like calling you slut, for one thing), and I hope this new dialogue between the two of you helps him to realize this. I know you're not perfect (no one is) and that there will probably be more arguments in the future, but he needs to make sure that he still treats you with respect, even during the worst of times. You deserve nothing less.

And as for how much the people around here care, well, yeah... we're a pretty tight-knit bunch, aren't we?

Best wishes in your relationship, Kirk's_Tights -- I hope everything works out well for you!

 

[sidious618]

*AHEM* I do believe you two were told to stop derailing this thread with your petty argument. Just in case it isn't absolutely clear to both of you, I'll say it again. Drop it. NOW.

I see. My irritation gets the better of me at times and I forgot about LoB's post.

 

[pookha]

I am actually a bit surprised at how much people here care, though. Never been to a messageboard before where even people who don't really know me show that they care about my feelings.

People here can be quite sweet.

Just ... be careful. And remember that just because you're not an angel, doesn't give him the right to disrespect you.

i agree with this..

though perhaps next time throw in a time line.