Changing last name after marriage: Who takes whose?

[Kestra]

A name is not more important than family, friends, possessions, property, lifestyle, and most everything else that should be secondary in marriage. If one is not willing to give up one's name why would they be willing to give up those other things that most people would think much more important?

Because presumably if they are in a situation where they need to give up possessions or lifestyle or anything significant, it's for a very important reason. It's a situation where not doing so would adversely affect their spouse in a major way.

Keeping one's name should not (and does not) have that type of extreme adverse effect on a spouse. They're totally different situations and compromises with different levels of significance.

 

[Neeka Keet]

A longterm commitment between a couple is about actions within the relationship not name changes. Considering the divorce rate and how I'm sure the majority of these couples took one name as their own it would make your argument invalid.

In general naming traditions are outdated and sexist but I believe the individual should decide what he/she wants to do. If they both want to keep their names, if they choose one of their names, mix them, hyphenate, choose Skeletor, whatever. In the end that's personal and shouldn't reflect negatively on the individuals in the relationship or the couple as a whole. Relationships are hard enough as it is.

 

[Michael Chris]

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

 

[nevermore]

A name is not more important than family, friends, possessions, property, lifestyle, and most everything else that should be secondary in marriage. If one is not willing to give up one's name why would they be willing to give up those other things that most people would think much more important?

God, you have a horrifying concept of marriage. All of those things, including ones identity, remain important within the context of marriage or any relationship. How could you respect someone who is willing to give up everything that matters to them just because they marry you? What's the point of being with someone if who they are ceases to matter?

 

[Neeka Keet]

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

It's hard when one's arguments are rendered moot, eh?

 

[Michael Chris]

^Say whatever you want I'm just tired of arguing about something very important to me.

flamingliberal, of course they're important, but they're totally and completely secondary.

 

[nevermore]

^No, they're not. Who someone is is not secondary to who they're married to.

 

[Michael Chris]

^No, they're not. Who someone is is not secondary to who they're married to.

But one is not defined by those things. I would say that anyone not willing to give up everything for one they love should not be married.

 

[nevermore]

^No, they're not. Who someone is is not secondary to who they're married to.

But one is not defined by those things. I would say that anyone not willing to give up everything for one they love should not be married.

And I can't understand why anyone would want to marry a doormat.

 

[Michael Chris]

Who said anything about a doormat?

 

[Goji]

Every time I think marriage couldn't possibly sound any creepier...

 

[Neeka Keet]

^Right, shit like this makes me realize that feeling like a slacker for not being married with kids like a lot of my high school classmates is the wrong feeling to experience.

 

[mrcoaster]

I don't care if the wife takes my name or not. Just as long as she skips doing that whole hyphenated name thing. I hate that. Keep your name or take mine. If everybody hyphenated, we'd have some really unwieldy names in a couple of generations.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Who said anything about a doormat?

You are implying it.

There's always a bit of give-and-take in a relationship. A husband and wife might each give up certain things about themselves, in order to reach a common ground. But nobody gives up *everything*. It just doesn't work that way. Both partners have lives and rights of their own, which don't simply vanish once they put the rings on.

 

[SeerSGB]

^What does giving up your name have to do with the other things you mentioned? It makes no sense to me. A marriage is a mutual commitment. What does the man give up? Why would I as a woman be the one that makes all the sacrifices? How would my commitment be in question if I choose to keep the name that I've had since birth?

Well, I was talking about both man and woman. A man can change his name, a woman can change her name, they both can change their names, they can keep their names, but I think if either is unwilling to change then that's not a good sign. A name is not more important than family, friends, possessions, property, lifestyle, and most everything else that should be secondary in marriage. If one is not willing to give up one's name why would they be willing to give up those other things that most people would think much more important?

I think we're getting into apples and oranges and territory there. There are any number of reasons that people wouldn't want to change their names, but that doesn't make them any less willing to sacrifice when it really counts.

 

[Michael Chris]

Who said anything about a doormat?

You are implying it.

Not at all. If someone doesn't respect the other person and who they are then they definitely should not be married in the first place. They should ever even come close to any decision about the name.

 

[Alidar Jarok]

A name is not more important than family, friends, possessions, property, lifestyle, and most everything else that should be secondary in marriage. If one is not willing to give up one's name why would they be willing to give up those other things that most people would think much more important?

God, you have a horrifying concept of marriage. All of those things, including ones identity, remain important within the context of marriage or any relationship. How could you respect someone who is willing to give up everything that matters to them just because they marry you? What's the point of being with someone if who they are ceases to matter?

I went to a Lutheran wedding recently. The guy kept preaching on and on to the bridge (my friend) about how she needed to basically give up everything and obey him absolutely. Then, to try and not make it sound sexist, he said to the groom about how his job was to do everything for her. To provide for her and take a bullet for her. Those words might have been nice if it wasn't for the fact that he's in the navy, so the whole taking a bullet thing probably isn't as comforting to my friend.

EDIT: Holy shit, a coaster sighting

 

[Kestra]

... choose Skeletor, whatever.

I'm starting to regret not choosing that!

Well, there's always the possibility if we have children ...

 

[Neeka Keet]

... choose Skeletor, whatever.

I'm starting to regret not choosing that!

Well, there's always the possibility if we have children ...

Skeletor just sounds awesome. I would go for Solo of course and name one of my kids Henry just so he'd be Hank Solo.

 

[Tim]

I would not take my wife's last name, nor would I expect her to take mine. In the final analysis, a permutation of letters is not important.