I've had people live with me all my life. I lived alone for 1½ monhts a few years back when my sis moved and my cousin moved in for a about a year. It was okay the first two weeks, then I started going increasingly nuts. The remaining weeks I was barely at home except, running over to friends and family all the time because I couldn't stand the silence.
I was like you... always lived with masses of people, all the time (about a dozen relatives for a few years). Never for a moment alone, even to sleep, I used to share with 3 others. Always someone around, always someone to talk to, and do things with, babies to play with, grandmas to mentor you... A constant worldwind of activity. When I did finally get my own place, the silence was shocking, and it felt wrong, and sad, and I didn't know how to function for a while. I felt like a puppy that had been taken out of it's warm snuggly little cocoon. It was like being stranded on another planet. Yes, it was weird and quite traumatic.
Here's the thing, that was only the first few weeks. I did completely immerse myself in solo living - never sought to alleviate it, I wanted to experience it fully, and see what happened. By the second month, I shocked myself to fing I was reveling in it - never knew it could be so good. Everything always just as I'd left it, not a thing out of place. I could make as much noise, or be as quiet as I wanted, without an explanation. I could go to bed at 8pm, and not be disturbed by a single word of chatter. I could indulge myself in little luxury items, without having to share it with at least 4 other people, or feel guilty if I didn't. Never again having to tidy after others or have others grumble about tidying after me. It was so liberating. Like a completely unfamiliar but lovely breath of fresh air. Within a half year, I didn't
ever want to go back to living en mass. In fact, I never will again if I can help it.
The only problem I can see here,
Emher, is that you never gave yourself a chance, the
time to adapt. You can adapt to anything, and actually thrive, though you were afraid of it. Don't be so frightened. Believe in your own strength. There is a lot down there you may have not tapped into yet. Sometimes, great things can come out of something you feared. Test yourself a little, and see what you've got.
