Marriage and changing one's surname.

[TorontoTrekker]

Unmarried gay man here, and it doesn't really matter all that much to me.

Back when I was married, I did consider changing my name or hyphenating to include his. It's probably just as well that I didn't, as it would have been a pain to have to change it back.

My boyfriend has a pretty good surname, though, so if we ever decide that we're going to get married, who knows? I might change my name then. (I've always liked "Mc" names. )

And yes, the subject of marriage has been discussed, though there have been no proposals. Though on the weekend, when I introduced a friend of mine to my boyfriend over the webcam, even he asked what we were going to do if we got to that point in our relationship.

Despite the fact that my surname only has six letters in it and isn't spelled all that strangely (it's English and derives from a Latin root), and is pronounced exactly as it's spelled, people seem to have a lot of problems with it. I automatically spell it whenever anyone asks me what it is, and I've heard about ten different pronunciations just in the last month or so. (Mind you, this has been primarily from Indian or Russian people at the hospital or the various labs and clinics I've had to go to over the past few weeks. Maybe the letters that make up my name are pronounced differently in their native languages.)

 

[SiorX]

Indeed, I've always thought so. I think it would be a fine idea to do away with "Miss" and "Mrs." altogether. We men only get "Mr." --there's no other title to serve as a distinction between married men and unmarried men-- so why should women need more? "Ms." works fine and covers all the bases. Really, the continued use of the other two is simply, IMO, another reminder of how women have historically been treated differently -- and less than equally.

Prezactly.

Unfortunately, where I live anyway there's still a tendency for forms and things to offer Miss/Ms/Mrs (delete as applicable). Sometimes one gets the impression they think that Miss means unmarried, Mrs means married, and Ms means ornery.

 

[Daneel]

Despite the fact that my surname only has six letters in it and isn't spelled all that strangely (it's English and derives from a Latin root), and is pronounced exactly as it's spelled, people seem to have a lot of problems with it. I automatically spell it whenever anyone asks me what it is, and I've heard about ten different pronunciations just in the last month or so.

Wow... I have pretty much the exact same problem -- six letters, English name, everything! To me, it seems so simple to pronounce, but others always appear to have difficulty with it. My sister has had similar problems with the name, I think (plus she doesn't really like the sound of it, phonetically) -- she's even mentioned the possibility of taking her wife's name, if she ever got married (unless her wife had an even worse name -- then I guess she'd be stuck with the lesser of two evils, heh, heh.)

Thanks for the contributions, TorontoTrekker. I was hoping to get some perspectives on the issue from some people in same-sex relationships or marriages, to see if the idea of a shared surname for "family unity" (an idea that some have expressed in this thread), or some other purpose, was common in homosexual unions, or if it was mostly limited to heterosexual ones.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I have a surname that I thought most people would know how to spell especially as it is the name of a very famous character in literature....but people still manage to spell it wrong.

 

[Rii]

Actually, the thing which I'd be more militant about than the sirname is that people would use 'Ms' as my honorific. The Miss/Mrs distinction does my nut, because there's no practical excuse for keeping that one going. 'Ms' works perfectly well as an equivalent to 'Mr' in all contexts.

Indeed, I've always thought so. I think it would be a fine idea to do away with "Miss" and "Mrs." altogether. We men only get "Mr." --there's no other title to serve as a distinction between married men and unmarried men-- so why should women need more? "Ms." works fine and covers all the bases. Really, the continued use of the other two is simply, IMO, another reminder of how women have historically been treated differently -- and less than equally.

Ambrose Bierce suggests "Mush" for the unmarried man.

 

[Count Zero]

Been married for 10 years now, and Mrs. Alpinemaps does not have my last name.

But Alpinemaps is such a cool name...

I do wonder what happens with a child's surname when neither spouse changes surname. Do the parents just pick one of the surnames? Do the surnames become combined and hyphenated? What if this were to continue over multiple generations? I can imagine someone having a surname like Metzger-Dodsworth-Okragly-Roberts-Krause-Hoffman-Buckley-Dickens.

Well, we have regulations about this kind of thing (we're into this whole rules and regulations business over here), and the children can't have hyphenated names. The spouses can either keep their names, change it to their spouse's or hyphenate it, but the children can only have one surname. Germany is still very traditional in this regard, so it's still rare for women to fully keep their name or for men to take their wife's name. As for me, I rather like my terribly complicated surname (unpronounceable in most languages), so I would keep it were I to get married. Ideally, I'd like to have my potential children to have it, too.

 

[trampledamage]

Actually, the thing which I'd be more militant about than the sirname is that people would use 'Ms' as my honorific. The Miss/Mrs distinction does my nut, because there's no practical excuse for keeping that one going. 'Ms' works perfectly well as an equivalent to 'Mr' in all contexts.

Indeed, I've always thought so. I think it would be a fine idea to do away with "Miss" and "Mrs." altogether. We men only get "Mr." --there's no other title to serve as a distinction between married men and unmarried men-- so why should women need more? "Ms." works fine and covers all the bases. Really, the continued use of the other two is simply, IMO, another reminder of how women have historically been treated differently -- and less than equally.

I would be fine with this if the pronuncation of Ms followed the example of Mr as well. So since Mr is pronounced Mister, Ms should be pronounced Mistress. I just hate trying to say "Muzz", i don't know if it sounds right or just sounds like I'm making fun of it.

 

[Daneel]

^^^^^
I can see where you're coming from. I don't particularly like the pronunciation of "Ms." myself.

Now, if we could find a way for women to only use "Ms." but have it pronounced as "Miss" (which I like the sound of), then we'd be all set.

 

[trampledamage]

Yep I could definitely go for that.

(love your avatar, btw - RIP Andy )

 

[Crusher Disciple]

I want to marry a Douglas. They have the most awesome tartan.

 

[trampledamage]

I want to marry a Douglas. They have the most awesome tartan.

My family (ie, my father's line) are part of the Bucannan clan, we have a very funky tartan

 

[Neeka Keet]

I am an unmarried woman and I would NOT take my husband's last name.

I am proud of my surname. I have researched my family tree and the name has become to mean a lot to me.

As someone else who has done a lot of family tree research I've got to point out that had your decision to not take your husbands last name been made by one or more of your ancestors then the last name that means so much to you wouldn't be associated with you at all...

That's not a hindrance to genealogical research in these here parts and I can count on one hand the women I know who have taken their husbands name. In fact the way people carry both their parents surnames makes it easier to do research because it's a lot more specific, specially when it comes to people with common names.


What I don't get is that I come from one of the most male chauvinist cultures on Earth and we have such a non uber patriarchal naming tradition. The father's surname still goes first but at least we give props to the mom's side as well.

 

[c0rnedfr0g]

Call me old fashioned, but i'm all for the woman taking the man's name. Where's the harm in that?

I guess it also depends on who's name is cooler, and how famous you are.

 

[Michael Chris]

Actually, the thing which I'd be more militant about than the sirname is that people would use 'Ms' as my honorific. The Miss/Mrs distinction does my nut, because there's no practical excuse for keeping that one going. 'Ms' works perfectly well as an equivalent to 'Mr' in all contexts.

Indeed, I've always thought so. I think it would be a fine idea to do away with "Miss" and "Mrs." altogether. We men only get "Mr." --there's no other title to serve as a distinction between married men and unmarried men-- so why should women need more? "Ms." works fine and covers all the bases. Really, the continued use of the other two is simply, IMO, another reminder of how women have historically been treated differently -- and less than equally.

See, I'd love to have something like that. To be addressed differently because of my commitment to another would be awesome.

 

[MANT!]

My wife did what Brazilians usually do..she added my last name to hers (she didn't give up her maiden name)so now she has 5 names she uses.That played havoc with the DMV,the USCIS, the SSA and the IRS.. but it works..when she got her new name put on the Brazilian passport, here was no issue..
but my last name really doesn't match any of her other names...being that her other names are Portuguse and Italian..my very English surname sounds a bit silly tacked on to the end...but hey, it's tradition..

 

[WillsBabe]

I should start off by saying that I've realised relatively lately that I have something of a hang up with names. I think that this has something to do with being adopted and having name changes and so forth. Anyway, when I got married I was 37 years old. I'd had my "maiden name" for a long, long time and I associated with it, also, there's noone else in my adopted family still alive to carry on my maiden family name, so I wanted to keep it. I didn't want to change it, so I double barrelled it with my husband's name. If I'm doing somethig offical - a medical appointment, going on holiday, applying for a passport, hiring a car, all that kind of stuff - I use both names; if I'm just bumbling about in my life, ordering a table for dinner, booking a hairdresser's appointment, taking the car to the garage to be serviced, if I'm at work for a meeting, or casually asked my name - that kind of thing, I'll use my maiden name. My mother in law sends me birthday cards addressed to Mrs Husband's Surname, which makes me smile, because she's the only person on the planet who calls me that.

 

[Deckerd]

I want to marry a Douglas. They have the most awesome tartan.

My family (ie, my father's line) are part of the Bucannan clan, we have a very funky tartan

Buchanan.

 

[Deckerd]

Me I'm so militant I took my great-grandmother's maiden name.

Hyphenation isn't used in this country either, except for upper class twits with delusions of grandeur. Scots surnames are generally sufficiently anodyne that nobody can take objection to them. Most women still take their husband's name. I didn't, since his name isn't Scottish (it's Irish).

 

[Miss Chicken]

Me I'm so militant I took my great-grandmother's maiden name.

Hyphenation isn't used in this country either, except for upper class twits with delusions of grandeur. Scots surnames are generally sufficiently anodyne that nobody can take objection to them. Most women still take their husband's name. I didn't, since his name isn't Scottish (it's Irish).

This has nothing really to so with surnames but

researching the Scottish branches of my family tree hasn't been all that easy because of the traditional way of giving Christian names which was as following

BOYS

First son takes paternal grandfather's name
Second son take maternal grandfather's name
Third son takes father's name
Fourth son takes name of father's eldest brother
Five son takes name of father's next eldest brother etc

GIRLS

Eldest girl take name of maternal grandmother
Second girl takes name of paternal grandmother
Third girl takes mother's name
Fourth girl takes name of mother's eldest sister etc

This means that many cousins etc have the same name and it is often hard to sort them out.

 

[Deckerd]

There's a lot to be said for the Jewish system where you don't name your kids after anyone still alive!