(Shrug) Different strokes for different folks. Terms like "Jewels of Sound" just sounded overwrought -- real drugs are called names like Crack and Ecstasy, no prepositions necessary -- and a ship full of pirates (Arggghh, matey!) called the Condor seemed too much like Lost in Space, though "Mirror, Mirror" would essentially co-opt the idea. I wish I could remember actual lines; I just recall thinking some were too wordy or didactic. I think I might have that book he put out a few years ago somewhere, so I'll see if I can find it.^^^Ellison's dialogs are not clunky. In fact, they're far more naturalistic sounding than Star trek usually got. There are some lines that aren't in the character's voices per se, but that's not uncommon for a first draft.
And let's remember, the script we get to read is a first draft...and for a first draft, it's brilliant.
I wasn't too troubled by the drug-dealing guy, who was in some ways cut out of the same cloth as the bigoted Stiles, loony Dr. Adams, and the Exeter's egomaniacle Captain Tracy, but I wondered what his motivation was if money had no real value. Trooper as a concept could have wandered into homespun hokiness, especially with that name, but with the right director and actor could have been quite sympathetic. Still, I was left thinking that what we got was better than what Ellison had conceived. In particular, having the hero of the show standing around while the action sorts itself out would have been like watching young Skywalker watch Wedge shoot the torpedo into the Death Star, poignant or not.