Funniest quotes

[Captain Ryan]

What are your favorite funny TV Star Trek quotes?
Mine are:
"Your uniform is very... informative." -- The Doctor, to Seven of Nine
"There's coffee in that nebula!" -- Janeway

"You're in love with a computer subroutine." -- Tuvok

• [awkwardly] "That's the problem." -- Kim
• [long pause] "Interesting." -- Tuvok

"Vulcans. Deep down your all just a bunch of hypercondriacs." -- Paris
"Ever since my first day on the job as a Starfleet Captian, I swore I'd never let myself get caught in one of these Godforsaken paradoxes. The past is the future, the future is the past, it all gives me a headache." -- Janeway

"Doctor, I forgot all about you!" -- Janeway

• "How flattering" -- The Doctor

 

[JiNX-01]

Singularity:
Archer: It's a good thing you're a decent engineer because you don't know anything about writing!
Trip: I'm not the only one!

Soval: I lived on Earth for more than thirty years, Commander. In that time I developed an affinity for your world and its people.
Trip: You did a pretty good job of hidin' it.
Soval (deadpans): Thank you.

 

[Ziz]

Picard: "Mr. Data, I would be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know."

Nomad (regarding its scan of Uhura): "That unit is defective. Its thinking is chaotic."
Spock: "That unit is a woman."
Nomad: "A mass of conflicting impulses."

The Doctor (to Seven): "I also took the liberty of re-stimulating your hair follicles...a vicarious experience for me, as you might imagine."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Majel had some great lines as the computer:

"Last chance to be a hero, Doctor!"

"Computed and recorded...dear"

 

[Timewalker]

From The Trouble With Tribbles (slightly paraphrased as I'm doing this from memory):

(Kirk is trying to find out who/what caused the fight between his crew and the Klingons on the space station; finally, after getting no answers from anybody else he dismisses everybody except Scotty)

Kirk: Mr. Scott, you were supposed to prevent trouble.

Scotty: They insulted us, sir.

Kirk: It must have been some insult.

Scotty: Aye, it was. They called you a tin-plated, overbearing, swaggering dictator with delusions of godhood.

Kirk: Is that all?

Scotty: No, they also compared you to a Denebian Slime Devil. And then --

Kirk: I get the picture. And that's when you hit the Klingon.

Scotty: Oh, no, sir.

Kirk: No?

Scotty: Well, I figure we're big enough to take a few insults.

Kirk: So what made you hit the Klingon?

Scotty: They called the Enterprise a GARBAGE SCOW! ... Sir.

Kirk: You hit the Klingon because he... not because he...

Scotty: Well, sir -- this was a matter of pride!

 

[captcalhoun]

"I'm a Doctor, not a commando"

"Stop breathing down my neck."
"My breathing is a simulation."
"So is my neck, stop doing it anyway."

 

[MarianLH]

The Doctor: "For such an intellectually enlightened race, Vulcans have a remarkably Victorian attitude about sex."
Tuvok: "That is a very human judgment, doctor."
The Doctor: "Then here's a Vulcan one. I fail to see the logic in perpetuating ignorance about a basic biological function."


Marian

 

[brayman1701]

The entire lifeforms sketch from generations

 

[CaptainHawk1]

Bare with me as I'm posting via my Blackberry and it pushes everything together.

Quark: Who knows more about women than me?
Bashir: (without taking a breath) Everyone.

McCoy: Jim, I'm beginning to think I can cure a rainy day!

7 of 9: It is offensive (her deadpan response in Year of Hell to Neelix's Leola root/ration pack elxir).

B'etor: He must be the only engineer in Starfleet that doesn't go to Engineering.

Archer: Will you tell him to shut up?!
Sato: SHUT UP!

This exchange is just funny because of how unintentional it was:

Sulu: Course heading, Sir?
(Spock looks to Kirk)
Kirk: Captain's discretion.
Spock: Mr. Sulu, you may... INDULGE yourself.
Sulu: AYE, sir!

I've always thought to myself, "Spock, really... ON THE BRIDGE???"

(EDITED FROM HOME)

 

[Ethros]

I like the Trek universe's views on women-

TOS-
Kirk- "Spock, the women on your planet are logical. No other plant in the galaxy can make that claim"

TNG-
Picard- "I'd be delighted to offer any advice I have on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know"

DS9-
Quark- "You humans, you never learn. You let your women go out in public. Hold jobs. Wear clothing! And you wonder why your marriages fall apart"

 

[Carpe Occasio]

William Shatner on Saturday Night Live doing a Star Trek convention skit -

Get a life, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show!

 

[drasche]

From The Trouble With Tribbles (slightly paraphrased as I'm doing this from memory):

(Kirk is trying to find out who/what caused the fight between his crew and the Klingons on the space station; finally, after getting no answers from anybody else he dismisses everybody except Scotty)

Kirk: Mr. Scott, you were supposed to prevent trouble.

Scotty: They insulted us, sir.

Kirk: It must have been some insult.

Scotty: Aye, it was. They called you a tin-plated, overbearing, swaggering dictator with delusions of godhood.

Kirk: Is that all?

Scotty: No, they also compared you to a Denebian Slime Devil. And then --

Kirk: I get the picture. And that's when you hit the Klingon.

Scotty: Oh, no, sir.

Kirk: No?

Scotty: Well, I figure we're big enough to take a few insults.

Kirk: So what made you hit the Klingon?

Scotty: They called the Enterprise a GARBAGE SCOW! ... Sir.

Kirk: You hit the Klingon because he... not because he...

Scotty: Well, sir -- this was a matter of pride!

I think that is my all-time favorite from Trek

I'll add this one:
I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question. (Spock)

 

[Ziz]

Another favorite I just remembered.

VOY, Year of Hell (I think). Harry and B'Elanna are trapped in some part of the ship. They're quizzing each other on Federation/Starfleet history to stay awake until someone makes it through to them. One of them asks the other what the name was of Cochrane's warp ship. Seven makes it through to them. As they make their way out of their predicament...

Seven: "The Phoenix."
Harry: "What?"
Seven: "Zephram Cochrane's warp ship. It was called 'The Phoenix'."
B'Elanna: "How did you know that?"
Seven: "The Borg were present during that period in Earth's history."
Harry: "Really? How?"
Seven: "It is a complicated story. Perhaps another time."

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

The all time Trek king of the quotes is Worf. A sample of my favorites.


"Nice legs. For a human."
"A warrior's drink."

"No. Let her see the fire in your eyes"

"I have been tutoring him"

"I think I will be off the station that week"

"There is screaming. And throwing things. The man reads love poetry."

"Then go to her door. Beg. Like a human."

"As it should be"

"It is Worf madam."

"I must protest. I am not a merry man!"
"Sorry"
"You have reach full dilation. You may now give birth."
"If you were not an ambassador, I would disembowel you right here and now"
"It was....excruciating"

 

[Kryton]

Nothing beats "Sir...there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder."

 

[Flying Spaghetti Monster]

"I tore my pants!" (O'brien)

"How about: "It Came from Outer Space."?"
"Smashing title. Wish I thought of it."
K.C. and Jules

"Spock, it's two hours, are you ready?" (Kirk)

"I don't like to lose. (Kirk)

 

[Newspaper Taxi]

(From Memory)
The Scene from The Voyage Home in which Scotty tries to use a 20th Century Computer.

Scotty: Computer! Computer!
(Chekov and bussnismen stand in silence.)
(Chekov hands the mouse to Scotty.)
Scotty: (Speaking into Mouse) Computer! Computer? (Pause.) If you don't mind, I'll just use the keyboard.

 

[number6]

NOT NOW, MADELINE!!

 

[captcalhoun]

(From Memory)
The Scene from The Voyage Home in which Scotty tries to use a 20th Century Computer.

Scotty: Computer! Computer!
(Chekov and bussnismen stand in silence.)
(Chekov hands the mouse to Scotty.)
Scotty: (Speaking into Mouse) Computer! Computer? (Pause.) If you don't mind, I'll just use the keyboard.

it's McCoy not Chekov...

and the manager gave Scotty the mouse and then tells him to use the keyboard. to which he says

"How quaint."

 

[Nathan_Heller]

McCoy: " Shut up, Spock! We're rescuing you!"

pause.....

Spock: "Why thank you, CAPTAIN McCoy."

.........from The Immunity Syndrome