Are everyone "supposed" to have children?

[JesterFace]

What do you think, is the society around us expecting everyone to have children?

I've been wondering this because I don't want to have children. I don't think I have ever had the dream of having children of my own and over the recent years even less after being diagnosed with MS, I just couldn't handle it. I'm 37 years old, might be too "late" anyway.... Biologically it might be possible but I don't think I want to start up a family at this age nor later. When I was in my early 20s I remember thinking that the only reason to get into a relationship was sex. It's still true today.

I do have about 2 and a half year old goddaughter and I think she's enough for me. After spending time with her with this disease I don't think I could handle all that goes into taking care of a child.

I started to think about this after reading something from the web, a Finnish 33 year old woman didn't want to have kids and some people apparently had asked her "what's wrong with you?"

 

[Kai "the spy"]

There are certain parts of society, especially those with conservative views, who do think so. But I've also come across this within my own family, which is socially liberal, when my mother just assumed I wanted a wife and children, though she accepted it when I said I didn't. I'm also friends with a married couple in their fifties who never wanted children.

Truth is, there is a growing number of people who don't want children. On a sociological level, economic insecurity has a lot to do with it, but really, it's pretty much about just role models in the sense of what's possible. For decades, the "nuclear family" was the model that society strove towards, but once people learned that you could be a married couple without kids, that you could be an unmarried couple without kids, that you could be single without kids, and still have a happy life, a lot of people started to consider it for the first time.

As for "should everyone have children", the answer is no. Aside from personal happyness, there's also the fact that some people are simply not cut out to be parents, and also the fact that the world is overpopulated as is.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

I think it's one of the primal human drives to reproduce. I'd like to. But, who's the boss of you, your prefrontal cortex or your primal drives?

 

[Alexander Corrino]

I’m definitely not cut out to be a father, and I don’t want to be one. But yeah, society tends to expect things. But then, I already fail its expectations on many levels anyway, so I’m used to the feeling.

 

[TrickyDickie]

A big part of society is based on religion. Interwoven, the two form quite an ugly and repulsive tapestry.

When it comes to social programs, officialdom does not like to recognize a couple as a "family" unless they have kids. So then we get plenty of the lazy type of people who keep churning out more kids, as their source of income. And it has become generational.

My wife and I do not wish to have kids. It's only been about 3 years that we've been living our own lives. Prior to that, we took care of our elderly parents full-time for many years. That was hellish a lot of the time, because of the mental abuse we took because of their declining mental states. But, we were not going to see them be put in nursing homes.

Today, we look around and see all of the chemicals in the food, in the water, in the air, etc. Then there is all of the ADDH, autism, and everything else. We know that we don't have the patience left any more for everything to do with raising children.

Back in college, I wrote a 9-page thesis (the assignment was 3-5) arguing that Gulliver had a full-fledged love affair with one of the married women in Lilliput. I received an A for my effort, but the prof completely disagreed with me. "Their size difference made sex impossible!"

Well, Prof Peter C. Schwartz....wherever you are....keep on thinking that way, smart guy. A love affair need not involve sex....at all.

 

[Imaus]

'Supposed to', I guess.
Will one? Hells no. I have no want to rear children, deal with kids, or see a kid raised in the overpopulated, over-religious 21st century.

 

[Pondwater]

Nope.

 

[Timewalker]

What do you think, is the society around us expecting everyone to have children?

I've been wondering this because I don't want to have children. I don't think I have ever had the dream of having children of my own and over the recent years even less after being diagnosed with MS, I just couldn't handle it. I'm 37 years old, might be too "late" anyway.... Biologically it might be possible but I don't think I want to start up a family at this age nor later. When I was in my early 20s I remember thinking that the only reason to get into a relationship was sex. It's still true today.

I do have about 2 and a half year old goddaughter and I think she's enough for me. After spending time with her with this disease I don't think I could handle all that goes into taking care of a child.

I started to think about this after reading something from the web, a Finnish 33 year old woman didn't want to have kids and some people apparently had asked her "what's wrong with you?"

My sympathies. I'm 20 years older than you, and I know all too well what it's like to be asked that question: "What's wrong with you?" when I told my old high school or junior high classmates that I didn't have kids, and had never wanted them. My generation, even more than yours, was simply expected to marry and have kids. It was taken for granted, and some of my female classmates got married right out of high school.

I know I don't have the temperament for young children. I can tolerate older kids in numbers of maybe one or two at a time, which is why it's a very good thing I didn't carry on with plans to become an elementary school teacher (thankfully realizing this about myself during my first year rather than later). Even as a teenage babysitter, I concluded that I didn't like babies and decided that any kids I babysat would be "housebroken and able to communicate clearly" - I'd had too many instances of not knowing wtf the kid wanted and they were too young to tell me. So... about age 4. No younger.

Like you, I have a medical situation that makes having children unwise, even if it were possible. I remember when I was just a little older than you (late 30s, coming up on 40), having an argument with my mother. She was determined to be a grandmother, she kept saying, and wouldn't listen to my explanations that I wasn't in a relationship at the time, was certainly not thinking of marriage, and she asked, "What about that boy you were seeing in high school, you're still friends..."... Honestly, any guy off the street would have been okay by her, and marriage was optional. All she wanted was a grandchild.

So I picked up one of the cats I had at the time, one who had been adopted at such a young age that he imprinted on me and really did consider me the next best thing to a real cat mother. I held him up, and told her, "This is your grandcat. He is the only grandchild you will ever have."

I guess she finally got it. The following spring, when May rolled around, she wished me Happy Mother's Day.

So if you have any pets, just say those are your kids (by adoption). Adoption is a valid thing, and if anyone mocks you for what species they are, that says more about them (the human) than about you. Some people have told me I'd have made a good mother, I thank them for the compliment, but I know the truth. I'm a very good cat guardian (have had cats for nearly 44 years, all ages from birth to death, several have considered me "mom"), but human children aren't in the picture, I don't consider that to be something I owe the world (either children or an explanation), and all you owe people is what you yourself decide to say... which could be anything or nothing. The choice is yours, and whatever you decide is right for you is right.

So if anyone berates you for not having reproduced (someone on a gaming forum was irritated that I'd "deprived the world" of any offspring), the fact is that it's your business, and not theirs. Your body, your life, your choice.

 

[Miss Chicken]

One of my best friends (now aged in her mid 50s) has never had children and never wanted them. She was the youngest of 9 children and she was expected to babysit quite often all though her teenage years and early 20s. That was enough to turn her off having children. I don’t think she was ever pressured to have children by her family or her friends

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

Society definitely pressures people! Misery loves company.

I always thought I’d have kids and then the more time I spent with them I realized I didn’t like them. I was 21 years old at a former friend’s baby shower and I was bored out of my mind! That’s when I decided I didn’t want that life.

Having children is a huge responsibility that I don’t think many people (parents) take into consideration. They just think “oh cute babies!” You’re basically giving up every ounce of your being to raise another human being for 18 years. No thank you! I think it’s selfish to HAVE kids. You’re creating another life to entertain yourself.

I also have Tokophobia (fear of pregnancy and birth) I legit can’t watch a birth scene without getting extremely uncomfortable. Plus pregnancy is disgusting and women are crazy for putting themselves through that. It effects the body in such a negative way. I’d sooner die than put myself through all that.

And what if you have a kid and they turn out to be not how you pictured? A serial killer, rapist, pedophile? Then you have to deal with the fact that you brought a horrible human being into the world.

Having kids does not guarantee you will have someone to look after you in old age either. They could move far away from you, die before you, or just not care.

In general I just don’t like kids and avoid them as much as possible. I love being able to do whatever I want whenever I want.

Luckily I’ve never felt pressured by family to have them.

Sorry for the rant. I have a lot of feelings about this topic.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

No, absolutely not. You do what feels right for you and don't let anyone pressure you to do otherwise. Having children can be a wonderful and fulfilling thing, but so can many other things. Doing something just because it's expected of you by family or peer pressure (and the pressure to have kids certainly does exist) is a surefire way of ending up being resentful, neglectful or worse as the children get older. There are many people who decided to have kids they didn't want or couldn't handle and then took their regrets out on those kids. You do you.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Don't worry about what other people want you to do, it's your life.

But, I think our biology is designed to have the impulse to procreate. In that sense we are kind of 'supposed' to, our every base instinct pushes us in that direction. Only because we have complex enough brains and widely varying formative experiences that we can choose to overrule the base instincts.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I've never had even the slightest desire to have kids, nor have I ever been pressured to do so (my dad knows how I feel about this and is OK with it).

I know in my heart that I would SUCK at being a dad. I am a terribly impatient person and that's not a good thing when you're a parent. I could never handle the responsibility.

Being an uncle, OTOH, is a lot of fun! I like being able to do things for my nieces and nephews. Like last year when I was in San Francisco I took two of my nephews to a Giants game and we had a lot of fun.

 

[JesterFace]

Sorry for the rant. I have a lot of feelings about this topic.

No problem, this is what this thread is about.

Being an uncle, OTOH, is a lot of fun! I like being able to do things for my nieces and nephews. Like last year when I was in San Francisco I took two of my nephews to a Giants game and we had a lot of fun.

I have thought the same thing about my goddaughter. She is about 2 and a half years old and absolutely wonderful. I love spending time with her. At the same time I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle taking care of her 24/7. If I absolutely had to then maybe but with my current health situation it's better I visit her and her father. Fortunately my friend picked me for this role.

 

[scotpens]

I know in my heart that I would SUCK at being a dad. I am a terribly impatient person and that's not a good thing when you're a parent. I could never handle the responsibility.

Same here. I could never handle having children. Hell, I'm barely responsible enough to take care of a cat. Besides, I'm pedophobic.

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

I can’t even keep a plant alive!

I’m not really a pet person either though I baby animals!

 

[Mrs. Silvercrest]

It was a hard choice. I have fibro and it would be super hard for me to have a kid and be able to take good care of him or her and do all the things a parent would want to. Plus I don't want to pass on the fibro or other things in my family. There are other reasons, but they are way too personal to put on here. What I can say is we don't have kids and we are okay. We have been lucky enough to have friends that wanted us to be godparents to their kids. And we have been able to be apart of the kids lives and watch them grow. And we go to the sports they do, singing, band, and so on. We even got to go to LegoLand with them for a trip. They are all in high school and middle school now. But it helps to have friends and or family that have kids and are willing to let you share in that. Nothing like watching a child grow. Nothing...Oh and we have a cat. So that is like a 2 year old that never grows up. Not the same, but pets are great... Hope this helps...

 

[LastCaress1972]

I had my son with my ex girlfriend, with whom I argued constantly and at a time when I didn't want children under any circumstances (of course if I was that vehement on the subject perhaps I could've taken better preventative care, eh?), but it didn't stop me falling in love with him utterly once he arrived. I had my daughter fifteen years later with my next girlfriend, who became my wife, and we were actively trying for a child, and I love her utterly too.

That said, I don't think that having children is for everyone, and I don't think it should be for everyone. Until we find ourselves in some sort of Handmaid's Tale-style population crisis where we're literally dying out as a species then, imho, having children - or not - should be a free and personal choice for all, without judgement either way.

 

[1001001]

You childless bastards sicken me, what with your free time and disposable income...



Seriously this may be one of the worst ways we kind of shoot ourselves in the collective foot. People who don't want children should definitely not have them, and putting any kind of pressure on people to do so is incredibly counter-productive.

 

[fireproof78]

No.

 

[M'Sharak]

Are everyone "supposed" to have children?

No one is under any obligation to have children if they don't want to, or if they do not (for whatever reason) feel they could or should. That decision is each person's to make for themselves; no one else has any right or authority to make it for them.