TNG Caption This! #409: Klingons!

[LeadHead]

Hello, everyone! New Contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Crucial Reports" Award, going to:

Picard: "Report."

Worf: "On what? Technically he's not an officer and technically I don't have a job except for looking angry at things."

Picard: "Well, report on that, then!"

Next, we have the "Law & Order" Award, going to:

WESLEY: What's in the hypospray sir?
PICARD: I'm sorry Wesley, we can't violate Edo law.

Next, we have the "A Place of Work" Award, going to:

Wesley: Shit, Data's gonna beat my score
Picard: Shit, Worf is gonna beat my score

Next, we have the "Mother of the Year" Award, going to:

Beverly, over conn comm: Did you remember your bag lunch?

Wesley: Yes.

Beverly, over conn comm: And your hemorrhoid pillow?

[Crew snickers]

Wesley: YES!!

Next, we have the "Important Questions" Award, going to:

Wesley: Is this what puberty feels like?

The Tag-Team Award, goes to:

One more word, Wesley, and I paralyse your vocal chords...

Wes: "What?"

Security Chief's Personal Log: It's been a week since Q turned me into a woman.

Still no one has noticed.

PICARD: The repellent isn't working, Number One!

RIKER: I don't think it works on children, sir.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And with that, we've had a good run through the TNG regular characters! Thanks to everyone for making it fun!

And now, lets spend some time with one of Trek's most recognizable and occasionally unrecognizable species, The Klingons!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Gowron: It's Him! The gypsy woman said he would kill me on a Cardassian space station!

Wesley: Are you guys sure that no one will recognize me in this disguise?

O'Brien: Captain, the transporter is set to "accidentally" beam those Klingons you wanted disposed of into space. When do they get here?

Picard: Crap.

Picard: And with this, Gowron wins the Klingon Beauty Pageant!

Bringing Klingon Insult Comics to do shows on the bridge didn't go over well.

 

[Rat Boy]

Gowron: "Him! I have a bad feeling about him, like he's going to be the death of me!"

Duras: "And me!"

Guard: "Me too!"

Troi: "Aren't you a little short for a Klingon?"

Data: "Ooookay, let us try the next one, then."

O'Brien: "...and that's how I think the saboteur did it...wait, what's that noise?"

Picard: "You put our guests to sleep."

K'Tal: "You've not experience James Brown until you've heard him in the original Klingon."

Kargan: "Destro? Zartan? What's going on here?"

Picard: "I think the portable transporter still has some bugs that need working out."

 

[T'Girl]

O'Brien:
" ... then one of the technicians accidentally drop a heavy box on the Klingon's right foot, and he collapsed in pain."

Klingon in back:
"Not all species have their genitals in the same place."

 

[2takesfrakes]

DATA: "You may speak with complete frankness, sir. Our holodeck women cater to every taste ..."

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for teh win!

Gowron: Pull my finger, Worf! Pull it!

Data: The Mirror of Erised shows us the "deepest, most desperate desire of our heart." Why it is showing you being pulled on stage at a Justin Bieber concert is, I am afraid, something you will have to come to terms with.

Picard: Since you are all being unreasonable, I have no choice but to beam all of your mothers over to have a word with you.

Gowron: Klingon Chancellor's Log--I make this look good

Klingon: Why are you all surprised, my name, Bruce of the House J'nner should have given it away!
http://www.trekbbs.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/

 

[Ithekro]

O'Reilly: That man is improperly lit. I demand a retake with him in proper lighting so I might emote towards him correctly.

Stewart: Make it so.

Data: Curious. I did not know you had a "Alternatives to Will Riker" file on the Holodeck. Nor that is was this large. This is entry 267?

Trio: 268, Data. I'm feeling like Klingon tonight. Care to join me?

Date: Fascinating.

Picard: Where is Mr. LaForge?

O'Brian: I though we had him made up as a Klingon today, sir.

Picard: You must be this tall to be Chancellor of the HIGH council.

Gowron: Frell!

I...am here for the position of first officer. You appear to have a vacancy. I have a long list of battles to my name and command experiance.

 

[Ithekro]

Wesley: Are you guys sure that no one will recognize me in this disguise?

Klingon: No Wesley. I think they will be too interested in your cleavage to recognize you.

 

[Nerys Myk]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentle men....Are you ready for Soul Brother Number One, Mr. Sex Machine, Mr. Dynamite, The Hardest Working Man in Show Business, The King of Funk, Minister of The New New Super Heavy Funk, Mr. Please Please Please Please Her, The Boss and the Godfather of Soul. Gowron!!!!!!

O'BRIEN: Permission to use the air filters to cleanse the room of the Klingon stench.....they're still here aren't they?

DATA: There is no mistake, Counselor. I entered the parameters exactly as you said. This is your perfect match.

TROI: Impossible,I would never date a Klingon.

PICARD: Pants! We require pants!!!!

 

[Triskelion]

Gumball: He has no place here, Pitard!
Derps: I will not sit at the same table with that!
Pitard: It is my prerogative to investigate anything that may be relevant to the Rite of Succession. Lieutenant Whiff is my Chief Security Officer. His presence is completely to keep the Department of Labor off my back, believe me.

Data: ...a Klingon male.
Troi: A friend for Worf.
Data: It's an android, not a douchebag.

O'Brien: Sorry sir. Their biofilters purged your Chateau Picard.
Picard: One of these days I must tell Robert to stop fermenting it with Horta semen.

Captain's log, supplemental: It's been a month now and I'm beginning to regret my decision to follow my lifelong dream of becoming a display designer for the Qo'noS Galleria Sears and Rachtbucks.

Picard: And you are...?
Kargan: Kargan, Klingon Defense Force officer and commander of the Klingon Cruiser IKS Pagh.
Picard: Gagh?
Kargan: The Pagh.
Picard: Q'Pla'?
Kargan: The Pagh! The Klingon Cruiser IKS Pagh.
Picard: Q'Pla'!
Kargan: Q'Pla'!
Worf: Q'Pla'!
Picard: The IKS Q'Pla'!
Kargan: No, just now I thought you were signaling understanding my ship's name, the Pagh, by saying "Q'Pla'".
Picard: Q'Pla'!
Worf: Q'Pla'!
Kargan: The Pagh!
Picard: "Smile when you eat the Pagh!'
Kargan: NO, that's 'the Gagh'!
Picard: Q'Pla'!
Worf: Q'Pla'!
Kargan: Not Q'Pla', you smegma-sacked nobpeddler! Gagh! Smile when you eat the gagh!
Picard: Q'Pla'!
Worf: Q'Pla'!
Kargan: STOW IT WITH THE Q'PLA's ALREADY!
Picard: Merde, I'm usually known for my métier with weird names. One more time sir?
Kargan: KARGAN!!! KLINGON DEFENSE FORCE OFFICER AND COMMANDER OF THE KLINGON CRUISER IKS PAGH, YOU PETAQ!!! THE PAGH! THE PAGH!
Picard: Well, welcome aboard, Commander PetaQ of the Kargan Crusher IBS Gagh. Q'Pla'!
Worf: Q'Pla'!
Mendon: This is a very silly billet.

 

[Finn]

Captain's Log. I can't shake off something Q said to me last night in the sonic shower, about how those two should be worried about Worf.

 

[Nerys Myk]

GOWRON: He started it

WORF: Did not!

GOWRON: Did too!

PICARD (sigh): A career in archaeology looks better every day.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

GOWRON: What is that dishonorable P'TACH doing here?!
WORF: I just came back from the future and found out that I kill you both, so I came in here to feel good about myself.

DATA: A Klingon male.
TROI: Awesome. We totally should have a creature with super strength and no understanding of social boundaries walking around the ship trying to behave like a Klingon. Nothing could go wrong with that combination.

O'BRIEN: I'm just glad I'm going to DS9, where I'll never have to deal with Klingons again.

PICARD: I hereby pronounce thee, slightly less awful than all other candidates.
GOWRON: High praise for a Klingon politician.

KARGAN: Thank you for transporting me over. Even I was starting to feel silly behaving that way!

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: You see, Mister Worf? That's how a Klingon makes an entrance! Bravo, sir!
Bridge Crew: <polite applause>
Worf: @#$%....

 

[Triskelion]

Gowron: What is that PetaQ doing here?
Picard: PetaQ? I thought it was Baktag.
Crewman: "Rᴇᴅᴇᴍᴘᴛɪᴏɴ".
Duras: The word is Pathk, only a Pathk would pronounce it "PetaQ," like some kind of galactic douchebag.
Crewman: "Tʜᴇ Dᴇғᴇᴄᴛᴏʀ".
Picard: I'll straighten this out. Computer, how do you spell PETAQ, PATHK, or whatever it is?
Computer: Patahk. P-A-T-A-H-K, Patahk.
Picard: Is it just me or did the computer just call me -
Crewman: "Sɪɴs ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Fᴀᴛʜᴇʀ".
Gowron: You dare let this Pah-tak address this delegation like it was in his job description?? I don't see any donuts that need eating in here, Pah-tak.
Crewman: "Tʜᴇ Cʜᴀsᴇ".
Worf: A security officer's duty always includes calling a Pahtk a Pahtk when the situation calls for it.
Crewman: "Rɪɢʜᴛғᴜʟ Hᴇɪʀ".
Duras: Silence your PetaQ dog, Captain!
Crewman: "Rɪɢʜᴛғᴜʟ Hᴇɪʀ, ʟᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀᴛ sᴀᴍᴇ sᴛᴀʀᴅᴀᴛᴇ".
Worf: Better men than you have said that! And they were Romulan! P'tak!
Crewman: "Aǫᴜɪᴇʟ".
Picard: Now now, gentlemen, clearly canon has established that there is more than one correct way to say Pahtak.
Crewman: "Hᴏᴜsᴇ ᴏғ Qᴜᴀʀᴋ".
Picard: But then - what does it mean?

...

Gowron: Perhaps it's a...small apricot-type fruit?
Duras: That's a Zilm'kach, you...you...
Worf: DO NOT SAY IT!
Duras: Veruul!

...

Crewman: "Tʜᴇ Dᴇғᴇᴄᴛᴏʀ".

 

[dauntless]

GOWRON: You dishonour me with your left cheek sneak, son of Mogh!

 

[inflatabledalek]

Thanks for the win LH!

Gowron: You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.

Worf: Not everyone in this room will be staying alive.

Troi: We totally punk Worf with this. We'll have to change her name from Lal to LOL.

O'Brien: I've carried out a full scan Sir, and can not find any Klingon's aboard.

Robert: Do I have to keep squating?

Patrick: No one is taller than the Captain on this show!

Picard: You're so stupid you could be a Pakled.

 

[A Chimpanzee & 2 Trainees]

Picard: Peek-a-boo! I see you!

Which of you will be the first to buy one of these fine Rolex watches?

 

[Vanyel]

Picard: Here you go Gowron, you look a bit chilly. Now, what do I need to do to make Duras' son Leader of the Klingon High Council?

 

[Smellincoffee]

O'Brien: I'm defecting, sir. Klingons have better uniforms, and they don't make a man stand in one spot for four hours on the off chance that his transporter room will be used on the rare ocassion that warrants an away team.
Picard: What about Keiko?
O'Brien: Klingon men don't have to leave the toilet seat down every bloody time, either.

Gowron: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of -- how LOUD that cloak is. Does it make that rustling every time you MOVE? First order of business, new wardrobe.

Klingon: Fee fi fo fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!
Picard: Shit. I mean, "Merde". Merde!