DS9 CapCon 102: Whodunit?

[Smellincoffee]

We're still in the first season this week, and Murder Most Foul has been committed. Everyone is a suspect, even the dead!

But first --

Sisko: Ferengi intruder on the promenade!! *fires phaser*
Kira: Uh, commander? That's Quark, the proprietor of our local bar. He's allowed to be here.
Sisko: Oh. Sorry.
Kira: ...I didn't say stop.

SISKO: I'm having second thoughts about the whole family on starships thing.

Jennifer Prophet: Corporeal mating is most linear.
Sisko: Aw, geez--had to ruin the moment, didn't you....

Sisko: What in the actual ****! Ops is exploding!
Kai Winn: Rejoice, Emissary. It is the will of the prophets!

Simultaneously:
Kira: What's up with your face?
Quark: What's up with your hair?

The Changeling Award

PARAMOUNT PICTURES presents

a BAD ROBOT production

in association with SKYDANCE films

a JJ ABRAMS film

STAR TREK INTO DEEP SPACE NINE
​

Prophet, in Kira's form: Aggressive, Adversarial.
Sisko: Competition. Jake and I play it in the holodeck. It's called laser tag, an Earth game.
Prophet, in Kira's form: Laser tag? What is this?
Sisko: I was afraid you might ask that. We dress up in paramilitary clothing, cover ourselves with sensors, and shoot each other with low power lasers. What's important is it's linear. Every time I shoot Jake-o, he dies. He must stand there for five seconds, during which time I get into a better position, and shoot him again! When we are done, I tease him that he can't beat his old man and he cries all the way home. See: one thing after another. Shoot, die, tease, cry, home. It's linear!
Prophet, in form of Kira: Maybe this one is not the Sisko. Maybe it's the one with the spoon attached to his head.
Sisko: So much more fun than playing Ambo-jitsu.

Annnd now:

 

[Nerys Myk]

BASHIR: Oooooo, that feels great. Keep going.

DAX: It's called Oo-mox. I learned it from Quark.

BASHIR: And I'm out.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Thank you, Emissary, for the win!

Bashir: Still 24 hours left to develop, but this clone already can do a better humanoid face than you, Constable.

Bashir: He drank four Warp Core Breaches, but I believe this man died from being kicked in the bollocks.
Kira: He said, "Hello."

 

[Nebusj]

Dax: ``With my fingertips just so the feeling is a pleasant, relaxed state. Just a tiny bit to the side though and there's instant ... um ... unconsciousness ... er ... oops.''

Bashir: ``This man is dead.''
Ibudan: ``I am not!''
Bashir: ``There wasn't anything we could do.''
Ibudan: ``I was napping!''
Bashir: ``It was a very sudden kill.''
Ibudan: ``Was never!''
[ Bashir swats Ibudan's head with the medikit. ]
Bashir: ``Tragic, really.''

Oh, ick, they're doing Traveller-And-Wesley role-play!

Sisko: ``Why is it growing a beak?''
Dax: ``Why is it growing a beak there?''

Sisko: ``Well, I hope that's the last time we have to deal with someone who's in the opening credits for crying out loud having to deal with a murder accusation.''
Dax: ``Me too!''

 

[JirinPanthosa]

DAX: Julian, not in this lifetime.
JULIAN: Ahh, you're a Trill! That still leaves other lifetimes!
DAX: *Sigh* Fine. In my next lifetime, if you're still under 80 I'll go on a date with you.
JULIAN: I'll hold you to that.

JULIAN: He's dead, Ben.
BEN: Well that's a doy. Any idea who killed him?
JULIAN: I'm a Doctor, not a CSI.

QUARK: So we have an agreement. I do whatever I want for the next seven years, and you give me a slap on the wrist whenever you catch me.
ODO: And I throw you in jail every now and then so I look like I'm doing a really good job.
QUARK: Deal.

ODO: Do you know what this means?
SISKO: Yes. Dax, find me some Jennifer DNA and about ten vats of goo!
ODO: I mean, we've proven I'm innocent.
SISKO: That's awesome too.

SISKO: We need to decide who is really in charge of security. There's one fair way to determine this. I propose a personality contest!
PRIMMIN: I forfeit!

 

[Hutchy01]

Dax: For the last time Julian... I'm not trying to break your neck

Bashir: He died in the shower
Sisko: Hold Norman Bates on the station till we solve this

Odo: Put your pants back on and remove it from my person ... or I'll remove it from yours

SISKO: Look you two for the last time ... NOT ON THE SICKBAY BIOBEDS.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Sisko: Bashir, Dax, Odo--I trust that you are honest and have no skeletons in your closets. Lt. Primmin--you seem to normal, so you will be replaced. My good friend, Michael Eddington, will replace you. I'll know he's on the level.

Quark: No wonder you won't ask out Kira: you're spineless!

 

[Nerys Myk]

BASHIR: Third time this week. We've really got to talk to Quark about using the safety protocols on "Vulcan Love Slave".

 

[Inactive-Shapeshifter]

QUARK: "What is that? They are... Are..."
ODO: "It's called copulating Quark."

 

[Nerys Myk]

ODO: I'm a shapshifter, Quark. Of course I can have eyes in the back of my head.

 

[Inactive-Shapeshifter]

SISKO: "Ok, i know it's hard, but how do you people intent to go through all 7 seasons without the comedy episodes? It's not like the life we're leading, all of this, you and me, all were just a dream! We need cheap episodes to fill in the holes!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

SISKO: Odo, Dax, Bashir. You're all dismissed.

PRIMMIN: What about me, sir?

SISKO: Who the hell are you and how'd you get in here??

PRIMMIIN: *sigh*

 

[Inactive-Shapeshifter]

BASHIR: Captain, this man is dead!
SISKO: Ho great.
ODO: I believe the trash-ejection system still off-line.
KIRA: Well, we can always just shoot him and disintegrate the body.

 

[Inactive-Shapeshifter]

BASHIR: "I'ts a clone."
SISKO: "I'ts a clone?"
DAX: "I'ts a clone."
ODO: I'ts a clue!"

 

[Inactive-Shapeshifter]

BASHIR (thinking): "Kiss me! Kiss me! Dammit! Just kiss me!"

 

[Bad Thoughts]

SISKO: "Ok, i know it's hard, but how do you people intent to go through all 7 seasons without the comedy episodes? It's not like the life we're leading, all of this, you and me, all were just a dream! We need cheap episodes to fill in the holes!"

Dax: I could discover I have a split personality, or maybe a past life I never knew about.
Sisko: That's the stuff. Keep it coming.
Bashir: Maybe I have special intellectual gifts that will allow me do fast calculations and make witty retorts, just like Spock and Data.
Sisko: Comedy gold!
Odo: I was thinking that I might have come from a planet covered entirely with goo. Maybe it's sticky, maybe it's slippery, we'll need to screentest to see what looks better.
Sisko: Slapstick. I like. Lt. Primmin?
Primmin: I want to fight a war.
Sisko: If it comes to that, I'll shave my head.

 

[Nerys Myk]

SISKO: Odo, Three things. One, call Garak and tell him we found his mannequin. Two, tell Quark we found his missing seltzer water.

ODO: And the third thing?

SISKO: Space Nog and Jake. Their pranks have gone too far.

 

[Inactive-Shapeshifter]

SISKO: "Ok, i know it's hard, but how do you people intent to go through all 7 seasons without the comedy episodes? It's not like the life we're leading, all of this, you and me, all were just a dream! We need cheap episodes to fill in the holes!"

Dax: I could discover I have a split personality, or maybe a past life I never knew about.
Sisko: That's the stuff. Keep it coming.
Bashir: Maybe I have special intellectual gifts that will allow me do fast calculations and make witty retorts, just like Spock and Data.
Sisko: Comedy gold!
Odo: I was thinking that I might have come from a planet covered entirely with goo. Maybe it's sticky, maybe it's slippery, we'll need to screentest to see what looks better.
Sisko: Slapstick. I like. Lt. Primmin?
Primmin: I want to fight a war.
Sisko: If it comes to that, I'll shave my head.

Bashir: Or you could grow a beard.
Dax: It would look good on you...
Sisko: Me? Beard? That's the stupidest idea i ever heard.

 

[Finn]

Sisko: Geez…What's happening to O'Brien this time around?

The rest: *shrugs* Just a typical day for him, I guess

 

[Rush Limborg]

Thanks for the win!

Bashir: Tease all you want, Jadzia...but sooner or later, I'm going to get you.

Dax: Over my dead body.

Odo: Diagnosis?

Bashir: Murder.

Odo: You know, Quark...if you'd only followed my recommendation and installed cameras outside the holosuites...solving this murder would've been a lot easier.

Quark: Once again, Constable, customers value their privacy.

Odo: Humph...especially the murderous ones.

Odo: Killing his own clone is still murder.

Dax: Well, seeing as he's kinda killing himself...is suicide legally murder?

Odo: Well, in most suicides it's a moot point as the killer is already dead.

Sisko: Okay, next up: I've been wondering about the best change to my hairstyle, should I ever get tired of this one. It's gotta be something smooth, yet commands respect. Now, I've been thinking of an afro....