You can't get blood from a stone

[Elmo Dukat]

As many here know, SPOCKED and I have been in a months-long (since late April) custody battle with his ex, whom we'll just call R.

R is an alcoholic, and psychologically, verbally, and physically abused the kids. Since then the child she physically abused is no longer a minor, and out of the picture. She divorced her then-husband, blamed it all on him, and threatened/cajoled the kids back (she threatened to 'tell on' Alex if he continued to go to his school while with us, which is out of the district and doesn't have school choice, and she cajoled Tori with promises of kicking out her then-husband --- which she did --- and endless fun and parties with her friends from middle school.

So now they're all back there. We've been reamed --- we're paying out of our noses for two kids, considering our salaries. And we haven't seen any of the kids in the two weeks since the court date, though we've made multiple efforts to get them to the house on the weekends.

And here's the last, final straw --- I'm so angry, my blood is boiling as I type this --- she calls SPOCKED today, claiming that he is behind on his child support and she's going to inform her lawyer.

Exsqueeze me??? We have the RECORDS in our BOA account that show her damned signature on the back of the checks of every single CS payment since we've started paying her again.

This is just HARASSMENT. She's got the power and the control again, and she's having fun squeezing us a little, laughing as she watches us squirm. But you can't get blood from a stone --- we don't owe her a damned dime.

I"m losing my mind over this. It's this fucking woman which brought on my PTSD symptoms with roaring force. Sure, they'd have eventually begun to surface, but this whole ordeal has turned me into a scared shell of the person I used to be, and I absolutely hate myself and everything that is going on.

How in the hell are we supposed to protect ourselves? We're the GOOD guys. But there's a limit to how much we can afford to pay lawyers, and her lawyer funds seem positively bottomless. Can she just harass us until we can't afford to protect ourselves anymore? Where's justice? Where is fucking JUSTICE?

 

[DanCPA]

Where is fucking JUSTICE?

Sadly, most of us don't get justice in the world
You might want to find out where she is getting her "bottomless" lawyer fund

My best wishes to you and SPOCKED on this.
How old are the kids? When my parents divorced, they asked my then 14 year old sister where she wanted to go and it was agreed that she would have the choice
If things are that bad at her house, maybe the kids can stand up for you and SPOCKED.

Good Luck!

 

[John Clark]

Sorry to hear about this I hope things work out for you and SPOCKED (and the children)

 

[Plecostomus]

She's probably blowing the child-support money on the lawyer. If you can afford it hire a PI to check into that.

Sadly you can't win by being the good guy here, you're going to have to get your hands dirty. I'm no stranger to using the legal system, to date I've sued two employers for discrimination and one for back wages. Not bragging, not proud, but if I don't stand up for myself I'll be left behind.

I suspect you'll have to really get nasty with R before it's all said and done. Trip this person up on a trespassing charge or set up a video camera and catch R making threats. *shrug* I got a bunch of tricks, PM me if you want to step into the mud.

 

[JAG]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you guys. No words of wisdom to offer, but u can lend you some good thoughts.

 

[hellsgate]

My condolences to You & Spocked. My prayers are with you both & the kids. Peace be with you.

 

[Elmo Dukat]

Thanks everyone. I'm dizzy and I'm in shock, and I just want to get in my car and start driving far, far, far away.

 

[Crusher Disciple]

God, I hope the court smacks down that lying piece of garbage.

 

[An Officer]

Don't let her see she's getting your goat.

 

[Amaris]

Just hold in there, Elmo. You and SPOCKED are good people.
You have my thoughts and prayers.


J.

 

[All Seeing Eye]

Start recording all her phone calls to you and claim to the police you're being harassed and tell them if they check her phone bill it will confirm all the times and dates she phoned demanding money and if you also have all the records in our BOA account signed and dated it should all show up nice and clear that's she's harassing you for money when you owe none.

As for the custody battle I don't think anyone understand exactly how things are working, I mean are you and SPOCKED entitled to see them or does she have full custody? or has she joint custody?

 

[Elmo Dukat]

Start recording all her phone calls to you and claim to the police you're being harassed and tell them if they check her phone bill it will confirm all the times and dates she phoned demanding money and if you also have all the records in our BOA account signed and dated it should all show up nice and clear that's she's harassing you for money when you owe none.

As for the custody battle I don't think anyone understand exactly how things are working, I mean are you and SPOCKED entitled to see them or does she have full custody? or has she joint custody?

Sorry, we have joint custody, but the terms are "open visitation upon agreement by both parents and the children." Which means we call them to come over, and if they don't want to, they don't have to. So if they want to party every weekend, there isn't a damned thing we can do about it. She effectively has full parenting rights, and we have none. Though this is "joint" custody. It's utter bullshit.

 

[An Officer]

^ No court review dates to ensure their dad is getting proper access?

If you jot all of the missed opportunities for contact and why that occured, a judge could make up his/her mind whether the children were being manipulated by their mother to obstruct contact with their father.

 

[Elmo Dukat]

According to our lawyer, that sort of thing means very little to judges once kids are in high school*. They essentially cut off access to the non-custodial parent at 14 these days. Fun!

*The idea being that teenagers can't be forced to see their parents if they don't want to, and they've got "mind enough" to make a decision about who they do/do not want to see. At each modification we tried to make visitations more clear-cut, but the CPS officer wouldn't have any of it, and he's the one that really calls the shots, not the judge.

 

[Trippy]

I'm so sorry you both have to go through this. It just saddens me that some people want to take out their issues (of controlling the ex-spouse) on their kids. It'll hurt those kids in the long run

My ex and I have joint custody, but I am the custodial parent (he lives with me, written in the custody agreement) and even though the order says every other weekend, my ex sees my son every Sunday, and more if they both want it. We may not see eye to eye all the time, but he's still my son's father! How does it help the child to be kept away from a loving (albiet in my case clueless) parent?

I feel for you guys, I really do

 

[Mr Awe]

I just wanted to add my good wishes to the others. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice other than two things for dealing with it.

First, don't let the ex know she's getting to you. That would keep her motivated. Second, try to keep her compartmentalized in your life. Don't let the stress she causes bleed over to other parts of your life that are connected to her. That's easier said then done, I know. But, it's a good thing to aim for.

Mr Awe

 

[Mr Awe]

Start recording all her phone calls to you and claim to the police you're being harassed and tell them if they check her phone bill it will confirm all the times and dates she phoned demanding money and if you also have all the records in our BOA account signed and dated it should all show up nice and clear that's she's harassing you for money when you owe none.

As for the custody battle I don't think anyone understand exactly how things are working, I mean are you and SPOCKED entitled to see them or does she have full custody? or has she joint custody?

Sorry, we have joint custody, but the terms are "open visitation upon agreement by both parents and the children." Which means we call them to come over, and if they don't want to, they don't have to. So if they want to party every weekend, there isn't a damned thing we can do about it. She effectively has full parenting rights, and we have none. Though this is "joint" custody. It's utter bullshit.

I just want to make sure I'm understanding the situation correctly. Basically, the ex has manipulated the kids into staying with her somehow. And because they're choosing this supposedly of their own free will, there's nothing you two can do about it? Is that it?

If so, that's bogus! I feel bad for Spocked for missing out on time with his kids and for the stress this is causing you.

Mr Awe

 

[All Seeing Eye]

If the situation is that she's manipulating the kids into not wanting to visit you guys then really there's nothing that can be done.
Is there any way you could write some kind of letter to them and have it given to them by the CPS officer? Maybe you could write telling them you really would like to see them and try to get the kids to want to see you guys. If they want to see you yet she doesn't allow it maybe something can be done then.

 

[Holdfast]

You can't get blood from a stone...

... unless you throw it at someone really, really hard.

Not that I'm suggesting anything, of course!

 

[Elmo Dukat]

I'm so sorry you both have to go through this. It just saddens me that some people want to take out their issues (of controlling the ex-spouse) on their kids. It'll hurt those kids in the long run

My ex and I have joint custody, but I am the custodial parent (he lives with me, written in the custody agreement) and even though the order says every other weekend, my ex sees my son every Sunday, and more if they both want it. We may not see eye to eye all the time, but he's still my son's father! How does it help the child to be kept away from a loving (albiet in my case clueless) parent?

I feel for you guys, I really do

Thanks, Trippy. My parents, who divorced when I was 4 and my brother 6, had a similarly friendly arrangement with my brother and myself. We'd see my dad Fri-Sun every other weekend, and then Sun on the off weekends. It worked out really well for us. My brother and I never felt like we were being torn between two homes.

Start recording all her phone calls to you and claim to the police you're being harassed and tell them if they check her phone bill it will confirm all the times and dates she phoned demanding money and if you also have all the records in our BOA account signed and dated it should all show up nice and clear that's she's harassing you for money when you owe none.

As for the custody battle I don't think anyone understand exactly how things are working, I mean are you and SPOCKED entitled to see them or does she have full custody? or has she joint custody?

Sorry, we have joint custody, but the terms are "open visitation upon agreement by both parents and the children." Which means we call them to come over, and if they don't want to, they don't have to. So if they want to party every weekend, there isn't a damned thing we can do about it. She effectively has full parenting rights, and we have none. Though this is "joint" custody. It's utter bullshit.

I just want to make sure I'm understanding the situation correctly. Basically, the ex has manipulated the kids into staying with her somehow. And because they're choosing this supposedly of their own free will, there's nothing you two can do about it? Is that it?

If so, that's bogus! I feel bad for Spocked for missing out on time with his kids and for the stress this is causing you.

Mr Awe

That's absolutely, precisely it, Mr Awe. You've hit the nail on the head. We miss time with the kids (the last time I saw Alex, he was noticeably taller than the time we'd seem him before that), and we subsidize her manipulations.

Tori has always had a very close relationship with her father, but since she left, she's texted her Dad once, and he's called her a few times himself but was only able to get through to her once. It's been two weeks. They used to talk every day.

And there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. We tried to get joint physical custody, but they wouldn't have anything to do with it. (Joint physical means we'd split the physical time between parents, instead of visitations)