Write your own terrible Voyager episode!
- Thread starter Lucy of Nine
- Start date
Top work, I had a slightly different slant on it
Come on someone! Its time for new Bad episode!
Okay okay.
Captians log, Stardate (enter here)
We've entered the <whatever> system and come across some sort of spacial disturbance, naturally I ordered the self-destruct sequence before using the scanners. After eventually being sedated we scanned the disturbance and found that they were wholes in time and space.
<Insert ANY peice of crap time filler here>
Voyager ends up home, but over a hundred years in the future. Janeway decides that it's not good enough and heads back through the disturbance.
<Insert ANY peice of crap time filler here>
Captains log - Stardate (same as before).
We've entered the <whatever> section and found nothing of interest, naturally I set the self destruct sequence before being sedated.
Captians log, Stardate (enter here)
We've entered the <whatever> system and come across some sort of spacial disturbance, naturally I ordered the self-destruct sequence before using the scanners. After eventually being sedated we scanned the disturbance and found that they were wholes in time and space.
<Insert ANY peice of crap time filler here>
Voyager ends up home, but over a hundred years in the future. Janeway decides that it's not good enough and heads back through the disturbance.
<Insert ANY peice of crap time filler here>
Captains log - Stardate (same as before).
We've entered the <whatever> section and found nothing of interest, naturally I set the self destruct sequence before being sedated.
My first thought instantly goes to Angel... the Voyager crew are slowly turned, one by one, into puppets.
Tuvok is not amused.
Tuvok is not amused.
An episode which features most, if not all, of the following plot points:
http://www.ex-astris-scientia.org/voy.htm
Alright, this might lead to a Voyager parody, which wouldn't necessarily constitute a terrible episode.
http://www.ex-astris-scientia.org/voy.htm
Alright, this might lead to a Voyager parody, which wouldn't necessarily constitute a terrible episode.
Aliens who attack Voyager are evil by definition. Otherwise they wouldn't attack Voyager.
Episode Title - A Holo Day
Harry Kim, Tom Paris and Kathryn Janeway are playing inside the holodeck program "Fair Haven", when suddenly the program shuts off. Janeway is totally pissed and calls Chakotay and the rest of the senior staff to the bridge. Upon arrival Janeway learns that Voyager has lost all primary systems and fuel reserves are down to 20 percent. She's mystefied because everything seemed totally cool last night. Unfortunately Chakotay couldn't make it to the bridge (Beltran decided he'd call in sick if another Fair Haven script came his way). Wildman (not seen on camera) says they should take the opportunity to turn around to a friendly space station they passed a few weeks ago and give the ship a layover and rebuild some shuttles they destroyed a few months ago. Janeway doesn't like taking advice from people who mysteriously disappear, and decides that if she turned around she'd loose 2 weeks off her journey home... Janeway isn't willing to make that sacrifice; she instead sets course for unknown space where she's hoping to find some fuel on a planet or some coffee in some 'wicked cool anomaly'. Janeway decides to keep the ship moral in tip top shape and re-route power from the replicator in her quarters (she has a no limit reserve on power in her replicator) to the Holodeck and run the Fair Haven program endlessly until they find more power. Ensign Eager diverts power from an anonymously important system to help sustain the Holodeck power generators, and the crew vast in the annoying glow of Fair Haven. They still need more power and decide to shut down the doctors program and divert some of that miracle energy over to the holodeck. Janeway is surprised to find that the Delaney sisters are all over Michael, and Tom Paris thinks there’s to many crew in one holodeck, so they decide to divert more power to another holodeck and run the program simultaneously. Janeway fires the Delaney sisters, and confines them to the brig where she's recently had to divert life support from. Some Irish horses knock over some buckets which tip Janeway over the edge, so she lets her holo-boyfriend use the doctors mobile emitter since he's not using it. She accidentally drops the emitter and another horse falls on it, snapping it into 4 pieces, this tips Janeway way over the edge. She has no idea how she’s going to tell the doctor she busted up his mobile emitter while he was out, so she decides to accidentally delete the doctors program so that she "don't have to tell him." Bill Cosby appears in Fair Haven to tell Janeway that “You see Katheryn, you broke the doctors emitter. Then you deleted his program so thatcha didn’t have to tell him you see!
Harry Kim, Tom Paris and Kathryn Janeway are playing inside the holodeck program "Fair Haven", when suddenly the program shuts off. Janeway is totally pissed and calls Chakotay and the rest of the senior staff to the bridge. Upon arrival Janeway learns that Voyager has lost all primary systems and fuel reserves are down to 20 percent. She's mystefied because everything seemed totally cool last night. Unfortunately Chakotay couldn't make it to the bridge (Beltran decided he'd call in sick if another Fair Haven script came his way). Wildman (not seen on camera) says they should take the opportunity to turn around to a friendly space station they passed a few weeks ago and give the ship a layover and rebuild some shuttles they destroyed a few months ago. Janeway doesn't like taking advice from people who mysteriously disappear, and decides that if she turned around she'd loose 2 weeks off her journey home... Janeway isn't willing to make that sacrifice; she instead sets course for unknown space where she's hoping to find some fuel on a planet or some coffee in some 'wicked cool anomaly'. Janeway decides to keep the ship moral in tip top shape and re-route power from the replicator in her quarters (she has a no limit reserve on power in her replicator) to the Holodeck and run the Fair Haven program endlessly until they find more power. Ensign Eager diverts power from an anonymously important system to help sustain the Holodeck power generators, and the crew vast in the annoying glow of Fair Haven. They still need more power and decide to shut down the doctors program and divert some of that miracle energy over to the holodeck. Janeway is surprised to find that the Delaney sisters are all over Michael, and Tom Paris thinks there’s to many crew in one holodeck, so they decide to divert more power to another holodeck and run the program simultaneously. Janeway fires the Delaney sisters, and confines them to the brig where she's recently had to divert life support from. Some Irish horses knock over some buckets which tip Janeway over the edge, so she lets her holo-boyfriend use the doctors mobile emitter since he's not using it. She accidentally drops the emitter and another horse falls on it, snapping it into 4 pieces, this tips Janeway way over the edge. She has no idea how she’s going to tell the doctor she busted up his mobile emitter while he was out, so she decides to accidentally delete the doctors program so that she "don't have to tell him." Bill Cosby appears in Fair Haven to tell Janeway that “You see Katheryn, you broke the doctors emitter. Then you deleted his program so thatcha didn’t have to tell him you see!
"Once More Unto The Breach"
Voyager's warp core breaches again.
"Aggravations"
Voyager reaches its last drop of coffee. Now, the crew are locked in a desperate struggle for their lives as Captain Janeway becomes increasingly mentally unstable and rigs the ship to explode if it goes under warp 2. Guest starring Dennis Hopper as Kathryn Janeway.
"(Insert Fancy One-Word Title That Gives Away The Whole Episode Here) Pt. 1 & Pt. 2"
Neelix and B'lanna discover that the Borg Queen is their long lost mother and join the collective, sabotaging Voyager's magic stellar cartography sensors as they escape, stealing the Delta Flyer. Meanwhile, the Doctor takes up acting as a hobby and gets into Shakespeare, because Shakespeare plays are the only plays in the future. For some reason, this annoys Seven and Harry, who are trying to repair Cerebro- err, Stellar Cartography. At this point, Harry akwardly tries to start a relationship with Seven. Again. He fails. Again. Janeway demotes him to ensign for violating fraternization regulations, forgetting that he has been and always will be an ensign. Janeway decides to chase after the Borg Queen to get back Neelix and B'lanna, but there is a primitive planet beneath the Borg Queen's pimpmobile and entering orbit would violate the Prime Suggestion.... *cough* err, Prime Directive. So, she has a moral dilemma, but decides to go after the Borg Queen anyways, so she can get this crew home. In a daring rescue, she goes with Tuvok and Harry over to the Borg ship, equipped with some of those mp3 player armband holders with LED blinkies in them, which keeps the Borg from noticing them. They barge into the Borg Queen's lair, upload Jeff Goldblum's laptop from Independence Day and hightail it out of there, rescuing Neelix and B'lanna.
Oh, and Kim dies, but he still has 4 regenerations out of 13 left, so it's all cool.
"The Wrath of Kim"
The normal-universe Kim, assumed dead in "Deadlock" returns, in command of a Krenim warship, and plays a deadly game of cat and mouse with Voyager. Meanwhile, Neelix helps naomi overcome her fear of heights.
"Defecations"
After sucking in a cloud of burritos in hopes to use it as fuel in the warp core, Voyager's bioneral gel packs start shitting themselves. They discover that one of them has become sentient and thus logically, wants to kill them all. Meanwhile, Harry and Tom are stuck on the holodeck due to a maulnfunction, and a warped projection of the Doctor performs a sex change on Harry. Janeway manages to talk the gelpacks into leaving the ship, but not before they kill a traumitized Harry. Janeway ends on a log "I stand in wonderment to see the creation of a new life, even at the expense of what's his face"
"Corrections" (Aired immediatley after "Defecations")
While travelling through a technobabblium nebula, Voyager is sucked into a temporal rift, where they come face to face with the Enterprise-A, commanded by a scraggly Alternate Harry with a goatee and mullet. Janeway discovers that he and his crew were trapped there by a technobabblium inversion, but they can never return to their home universe. With the link to Janeway's own universe fading, she convinces half of the Enterprise crew, including Captain Kim, to come aboard Voyager. But, they're attacked! By pirates! Space pirates! Space pirate Borg! And the Enterprise, led by Alternate Ransom, nobly sacrifices himself to destroy them, asking Janeway "Do a favor for me. Get your crew home." "You already told me that, you bubble-headed alternate booby!". Alternate Kim conveniently accepts a position as Operations officer and a demotion to ensign. Also, Data's cat Spot is now a member of the crew thanks to his heroics and is assigned a commbadge.
"Infinite Crisis"
During Season 2, Joe Carey is struck by COSMIC RAYS, giving him the strength of a 100 men, the ability to fly and so many powers that he makes Superman look reasonable. For 5 long years, he battles his nemesis Apocalyptic Metal Monger Man, until he finally returns to Voyager, exhausted from his fight with his arch nemesis. This episode leads directly into Friendship One, where a deleted scene shows that Carey's powers were being nullified by proximity to Voyager's dilithium crystals.
Voyager's warp core breaches again.
"Aggravations"
Voyager reaches its last drop of coffee. Now, the crew are locked in a desperate struggle for their lives as Captain Janeway becomes increasingly mentally unstable and rigs the ship to explode if it goes under warp 2. Guest starring Dennis Hopper as Kathryn Janeway.
"(Insert Fancy One-Word Title That Gives Away The Whole Episode Here) Pt. 1 & Pt. 2"
Neelix and B'lanna discover that the Borg Queen is their long lost mother and join the collective, sabotaging Voyager's magic stellar cartography sensors as they escape, stealing the Delta Flyer. Meanwhile, the Doctor takes up acting as a hobby and gets into Shakespeare, because Shakespeare plays are the only plays in the future. For some reason, this annoys Seven and Harry, who are trying to repair Cerebro- err, Stellar Cartography. At this point, Harry akwardly tries to start a relationship with Seven. Again. He fails. Again. Janeway demotes him to ensign for violating fraternization regulations, forgetting that he has been and always will be an ensign. Janeway decides to chase after the Borg Queen to get back Neelix and B'lanna, but there is a primitive planet beneath the Borg Queen's pimpmobile and entering orbit would violate the Prime Suggestion.... *cough* err, Prime Directive. So, she has a moral dilemma, but decides to go after the Borg Queen anyways, so she can get this crew home. In a daring rescue, she goes with Tuvok and Harry over to the Borg ship, equipped with some of those mp3 player armband holders with LED blinkies in them, which keeps the Borg from noticing them. They barge into the Borg Queen's lair, upload Jeff Goldblum's laptop from Independence Day and hightail it out of there, rescuing Neelix and B'lanna.
Oh, and Kim dies, but he still has 4 regenerations out of 13 left, so it's all cool.
"The Wrath of Kim"
The normal-universe Kim, assumed dead in "Deadlock" returns, in command of a Krenim warship, and plays a deadly game of cat and mouse with Voyager. Meanwhile, Neelix helps naomi overcome her fear of heights.
"Defecations"
After sucking in a cloud of burritos in hopes to use it as fuel in the warp core, Voyager's bioneral gel packs start shitting themselves. They discover that one of them has become sentient and thus logically, wants to kill them all. Meanwhile, Harry and Tom are stuck on the holodeck due to a maulnfunction, and a warped projection of the Doctor performs a sex change on Harry. Janeway manages to talk the gelpacks into leaving the ship, but not before they kill a traumitized Harry. Janeway ends on a log "I stand in wonderment to see the creation of a new life, even at the expense of what's his face"
"Corrections" (Aired immediatley after "Defecations")
While travelling through a technobabblium nebula, Voyager is sucked into a temporal rift, where they come face to face with the Enterprise-A, commanded by a scraggly Alternate Harry with a goatee and mullet. Janeway discovers that he and his crew were trapped there by a technobabblium inversion, but they can never return to their home universe. With the link to Janeway's own universe fading, she convinces half of the Enterprise crew, including Captain Kim, to come aboard Voyager. But, they're attacked! By pirates! Space pirates! Space pirate Borg! And the Enterprise, led by Alternate Ransom, nobly sacrifices himself to destroy them, asking Janeway "Do a favor for me. Get your crew home." "You already told me that, you bubble-headed alternate booby!". Alternate Kim conveniently accepts a position as Operations officer and a demotion to ensign. Also, Data's cat Spot is now a member of the crew thanks to his heroics and is assigned a commbadge.
"Infinite Crisis"
During Season 2, Joe Carey is struck by COSMIC RAYS, giving him the strength of a 100 men, the ability to fly and so many powers that he makes Superman look reasonable. For 5 long years, he battles his nemesis Apocalyptic Metal Monger Man, until he finally returns to Voyager, exhausted from his fight with his arch nemesis. This episode leads directly into Friendship One, where a deleted scene shows that Carey's powers were being nullified by proximity to Voyager's dilithium crystals.
One of our Shuttlecraft is Missing
Neelix goes batshit crazy and is forced to be shot, much to the rejoicing of fans and crew. Chakotay takes a shuttle on shore leave and arrives at Acting-Lesson VI, a planet for people with struggling careers. Janeway uses the technology left over from the Equinox to convert dead crewmembers into coffee. Everyone on the ship gets promoted except Harry. Seven and the Doctor make humourous comments about being human. B'Elanna and Paris have an XXX-rated scene in the shower, which gets cut after the religious right of America &^%$#@ things up for the rest of us.
Neelix goes batshit crazy and is forced to be shot, much to the rejoicing of fans and crew. Chakotay takes a shuttle on shore leave and arrives at Acting-Lesson VI, a planet for people with struggling careers. Janeway uses the technology left over from the Equinox to convert dead crewmembers into coffee. Everyone on the ship gets promoted except Harry. Seven and the Doctor make humourous comments about being human. B'Elanna and Paris have an XXX-rated scene in the shower, which gets cut after the religious right of America &^%$#@ things up for the rest of us.
Blue Screen of Death
Whilst performing basic maintenance on the ship, Harry accidently hits too many buttons at once on his ops station. He tries desperately to fix the problem by hitting ALT CTRL DELETE a few times, but to his horror he looks up to the viewscreen to see the Windows Blue Screen of death. Kathryn, sitting in the captains chair, shakes her head and sighs. "This is why you've stayed Ensign for so long, Harry". She assigns Torres and Seven to fix the problem. Torres says "This will take 4 hours minimum" to which Janeway of course replies, "You have 1, max".
The senior bridge crew meet together to discuss what could have happened. "Subspace aliens?" Suggests Paris. "Temporal Anamoly?" Tuvok muses. "Borg Baby?" The Doctor asks. "No," replies B'Elanna. "Harry Kim's incompetance. He hit too many buttons and froze the computer."
"Suggestions," barks Janeway. "I need to get this crew home dammit. And no blue screen will stop me. Have you unplugged the modem and turned the computer back on at the wall?"
"Yes, Captain. Nothing worked. Harry screwed it up well this time."
Seven steps forward. "Captain, I have a suggestion. When the borg encounted species 980, we assimilated a new technology, a strong technology, so close to perfection that the Borg converted all their ships to the new system."
"What new system?" Torres asks angrily.
"I believe Species 980 called it Apple. Sometimes known as Mac. I believe if we change the ships computer to this... 'Mac' system, we should be able to restart the computer and possibly download some new songs for $.99."
"Do it," yells Janeway.
The crew waits eagerly as Seven injects some of her magical nanoprobes into the gel packs. The viewscreen flickers back into life, as a giant Apple shaped logo appears on the screen.
Janeway sighs with relief and plugs her iphone into the comm station. She turns to Harry, "You're demoted to Ensign. Oh wait, you never were promoted were you? My bad. Paris, take us home."
Whilst performing basic maintenance on the ship, Harry accidently hits too many buttons at once on his ops station. He tries desperately to fix the problem by hitting ALT CTRL DELETE a few times, but to his horror he looks up to the viewscreen to see the Windows Blue Screen of death. Kathryn, sitting in the captains chair, shakes her head and sighs. "This is why you've stayed Ensign for so long, Harry". She assigns Torres and Seven to fix the problem. Torres says "This will take 4 hours minimum" to which Janeway of course replies, "You have 1, max".
The senior bridge crew meet together to discuss what could have happened. "Subspace aliens?" Suggests Paris. "Temporal Anamoly?" Tuvok muses. "Borg Baby?" The Doctor asks. "No," replies B'Elanna. "Harry Kim's incompetance. He hit too many buttons and froze the computer."
"Suggestions," barks Janeway. "I need to get this crew home dammit. And no blue screen will stop me. Have you unplugged the modem and turned the computer back on at the wall?"
"Yes, Captain. Nothing worked. Harry screwed it up well this time."
Seven steps forward. "Captain, I have a suggestion. When the borg encounted species 980, we assimilated a new technology, a strong technology, so close to perfection that the Borg converted all their ships to the new system."
"What new system?" Torres asks angrily.
"I believe Species 980 called it Apple. Sometimes known as Mac. I believe if we change the ships computer to this... 'Mac' system, we should be able to restart the computer and possibly download some new songs for $.99."
"Do it," yells Janeway.
The crew waits eagerly as Seven injects some of her magical nanoprobes into the gel packs. The viewscreen flickers back into life, as a giant Apple shaped logo appears on the screen.
Janeway sighs with relief and plugs her iphone into the comm station. She turns to Harry, "You're demoted to Ensign. Oh wait, you never were promoted were you? My bad. Paris, take us home."
Protection Error (sequel to the above Blue Screen of Death episode)
After two months of running under Apple, Janeway realises they made a horrible, horrible mistake. A fast rotating beach ball is sitting in front of all turbo lifts, barring anyone from entering. Everytime Tuvok clears his screen he gets an annoying trashcan sound. The crew are starving as everything from the replicators is now so expensive it's not even funny. Even Chakotay's new iShuttle just keeps crashing.
Janeway is able to contact a species known to Neelix as the Linuxians, a colony of very smart penguins. They are able to purge the Mac virus and install a new kernal that solves all their problems. The Linuxians didn't even ask for anything in return.
After two months of running under Apple, Janeway realises they made a horrible, horrible mistake. A fast rotating beach ball is sitting in front of all turbo lifts, barring anyone from entering. Everytime Tuvok clears his screen he gets an annoying trashcan sound. The crew are starving as everything from the replicators is now so expensive it's not even funny. Even Chakotay's new iShuttle just keeps crashing.
Janeway is able to contact a species known to Neelix as the Linuxians, a colony of very smart penguins. They are able to purge the Mac virus and install a new kernal that solves all their problems. The Linuxians didn't even ask for anything in return.
I love you. All of you.
Oh, the joys of being a nerd...
Oh, the joys of being a nerd...
Ezri II
Captain
Q the fart
A member of the Q came onto Voyager and was not known from past contacts. This Q was so different as he love to be the perfect slob. What he enjoyed the most, was farting all the time and I will say it again farting every minute. These farts were not the nice clean farts, no sir, they were the farts you felt sick just to smell them. It all happened before a week before Voyager was to stop at a supply station.
Q the fart just came onto the bridge with Janeway confused with his presence. After a few minutes with Janeway talking to the Q the fart she got the drift this was going to be a stinking hard time to remove the Q. Janeway asked Seven if she understood a way to remove the Q from her past knowledge of the Borg. Seven thought she did and ran to the science station to come up with a plan.
Top Paris said some nasty stuff to Q the fart and he did something to him with his powers. Tom Paris was starting to scratch himself in very unbecoming an officer. The doctor came to treat Tom Paris but was confused what type of treatment he could give him.
Janeway got so upset with the farting that she asked him to leave as it was smelling up the place. Q the fart did not like that and make it so everyone on the ship was farting as hard and as bad as he was.
Five days has past, with the farting of the crew and Tom Paris scratching Janeway told Q the fart to leave or she would blow up the ship. Q the fart said you would not do that and Janeway said I got a lighter with all the gas around the ship would blow up more powerful than a warp core breach. Q the farter said fine I will leave but you do not know what you are missing when I am gone
A member of the Q came onto Voyager and was not known from past contacts. This Q was so different as he love to be the perfect slob. What he enjoyed the most, was farting all the time and I will say it again farting every minute. These farts were not the nice clean farts, no sir, they were the farts you felt sick just to smell them. It all happened before a week before Voyager was to stop at a supply station.
Q the fart just came onto the bridge with Janeway confused with his presence. After a few minutes with Janeway talking to the Q the fart she got the drift this was going to be a stinking hard time to remove the Q. Janeway asked Seven if she understood a way to remove the Q from her past knowledge of the Borg. Seven thought she did and ran to the science station to come up with a plan.
Top Paris said some nasty stuff to Q the fart and he did something to him with his powers. Tom Paris was starting to scratch himself in very unbecoming an officer. The doctor came to treat Tom Paris but was confused what type of treatment he could give him.
Janeway got so upset with the farting that she asked him to leave as it was smelling up the place. Q the fart did not like that and make it so everyone on the ship was farting as hard and as bad as he was.
Five days has past, with the farting of the crew and Tom Paris scratching Janeway told Q the fart to leave or she would blow up the ship. Q the fart said you would not do that and Janeway said I got a lighter with all the gas around the ship would blow up more powerful than a warp core breach. Q the farter said fine I will leave but you do not know what you are missing when I am gone
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