Write your own terrible Voyager episode!

[Lucy of Nine]

I found this style thread hilarious in the main forum, so I thought we could move it here specifically for VOY episodes... the rules are the same... write your own woefully bad VOYAGER episode (if you can come up with something worse than Threshold, well, you win a million dollars...)


Season 7. Episode name "Where O Where is my emitter?"

The Doctor misplaces his holo-emitter, with hilarious hi-jinks entailing as the crew turn the ship uspide down looking for it! Did he leave it in a Jeffries tube? Did Neelix accidently cook it in a Leola root soup? Just as the Doctor resigns himself to the fact he'll be stuck in Sickbay forever, Kathryn finds it down the back of the couch in her ready room. She also finds the borg baby, a bunch of red shirted crewmen and some spare photon torpedos down there as well. The Dr sums it up best when he says to the Captain "Oh no you didhn't, Kathryn!" B'Elanna discovers a small wormhole behind the couch, which leads to Harry wondering if they could all climb into it and get back to the Alpha Quadrant. When they discover that the wormhole leads directly back to Sickbay, they all have a good laugh. The Doctor shakes his head, throws his hands up and says 'Aye Carumba!'

 

[jgdst]

LOL. "OH NO HE DI'NT!" Best. Quote. Ever.

As Executive Producer Brannon Braga (I've said too much!), allow me to add my own stupendous script to the pot.

Season 6-ish: "Entombed"

Voyager enters a region of space which causes the molecular patters of anything inside it to become more rigid and viscous. Unable to turn the ship around, Seven in Astrometrics discovers that it will take 8 months to emerge on the other side. Janeway and crew, now finding it increasingly difficult to function in the treacle-like air, decide to plough on and hope for the best.

The deeper in Voyager goes, the thicker the treacle becomes and the ship has soon dropped to low warp. Luckily, Chakotay has been near the shuttlebay since Voyager entered the rift, having found it incredibly difficult to walk to the turbolift. Facing the prospect of spending another 4 years in the rift, Janeway orders Chakotay to pilot a shuttle to tow Voyager.

In the closing scenes, after Chakotay is rescued from the mangled debris of the crashed shuttle, Seven discovers that injecting the warp core with nanoprobes will allow the ship to open a temporary wormhole and release the crew from their syrupy prisons.

Voyager emerges 4700 light years closer to home and still manages to avoid the Beta Quadrant.


Depending on how it goes, we could feasibly get at least 8 seasons out of this story.

 

[Odon]

Where Have All The Shuttles Gone?
Naomi Wildman is shocked to discover that Voyager's shuttles are being built by a slave race of small, sentient, pointy-earred magical creatures (sorry, aliens with psychokinetic abilities). She forms an organisation called SPEW to improve their conditions, but unfortnately Janeway is going through a plot-induced character change from Crew Mom to Equinox-Crazy Mirror Universe Captain and orders Naomi sentenced to death by exploding console. Fortunately Seven of Nine talks Janeway round by playing on their lesbian subtext (sorry, surrogate mother/daughter relationship) and after giving Seven the Big Gooey Look agrees to free the slave race, who press the Reset Button…I mean show their gratitude by building an enormous shuttle replicator in Cargo Bay One.

The Stepford Chakotay
Voyager's crew attempts to discover why Chakotay has turned from a Maquis rebel into Janeway's obedient lapdog after he beamed down to a planet specializing in the production of lifelike replicants.

The Tribble In Trouble
B'Elanna is torn between her human and Klingon halves when Tom gives her a tribble for a birthday present.

 

[jgdst]

She forms an organisation called SPEW to improve their conditions, but unfortnately Janeway is going through a plot-induced character change from Crew Mom to Equinox-Crazy Mirror Universe Captain and orders Naomi sentenced to death by exploding console.

LOL

That's just got me in trouble for laughing out loud in a deathly silent office. Shame on you

 

[kimc]

Great stuff.

 

[Finn]

Tonk- Tukov picks up a virus during an away mission and develops advanced OCD tenedencies and drives the crew crazy while trying to solve a murder.

 

[jgdst]

^ LOL There's spinoff potential there. Paramount missed the boat on that one

 

[Lynx]

For some strange reason, I was going through the posts on a certain message board, dedicated to Our Favorite Ocampa when I found something I wrote some years ago which would fit perfectly into this thread. It's based on two of my favorite series: Voyager and The X-files.

Now, wouldn't it been nice if they had made an episode like "Future's End" where the Voyager crew is transported back in time and encounter.....Mulder and Scully!

Mulder: "It's them! They are here and they are hostile!

Scully: "Now take it easy. There are no evidence at all that these people are aliens and that they are here to destroy us. There are no evidence for alien visitors at all in Earth history."

Mulder: "I know they are! Look at them, their uniforms, the one with pointed ears."

Janeway: "Please calm down and listen to us. We are not what you suppose....."

Mulder: "Oh no, you're going to abduct us!"

Janeway: "Rubbish, no one is going to abduct anyone. Now, will you please listen.

Tuvok: "may I inform you Captain that the people in this century were very suspicious and paranoid, always expecting the worst from anyone they happened to meet.

Chakotay: Yes, and they could be dangerous too."

Paris: "Friendly guys!"

Janeway: "Please understand that we have no intention to harm you."

Mulder: "I don't trust you. It's a trick!"

Scully: "I don't think they are aliens, just ordinary people who are dressed up like aliens."

Janeway: "If you just listen...."

Mulder: "No, it's a trick!"

Kes: "Captain, these people are suffering. They are feeling very bad. We must help them!"

Neelix: "Now calm down everybody. There's no need for worrying and fighting. Now, let us all sing a song and here I have some delicious Leola Root which we can eat together!" (Neelix reaches out his hand and try to give a Leola Root to Mulder).

Mulder: Yaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!! ( then he runs away, not to be seen in the coming weeks).

 

[Hartzilla2007]

I've got two crap episodes

We're So Screwed:

Voyager is attacked by the Borg, Kazon, Vidians, Hirogen, and Malox. Decks are blown out into space, the bridge is smashed, but at the last minute Seven of Nine comes up with some Technobable answer that from the reactions of the crew makes you wonder why no one else came up with it, oh and it has something to do with nanoprobes, which saves the ship. Afterwards Janeway pulls out the Reset butto.. er technobable restore the ship device and everything goes back to normal.

Here We Go Again:

Janeway attempts to use the reset button to get the ship home. Highginks insue as the crew must relive previous episodes until finally Voyager returns to the Alpha Quadrant only to see the Enterprise NX-01 on screen at which point Janeway uses the reset button one final time to return the crew to where they were at the beginning of the episode.

 

[Johnhead99]

I don't get many of Lucy of Nine's posts; but this one made me laugh out loud at work; and people looked at me funny.

Thanks for the laugh.

 

[Akiraprise]

Season 1, Episode 1 "Caretaker"

Captain Janeway orders Tuvok to set the tricobalt devices on a timer and beam them near the array's power core. Voyager then uses the subspace transporter to send themselves back to the Alpha Quadrant. The array is destroyed. The Maquis get sent to the New Zealand penal colony, where their ship plaque making abilities are taxed to the limit during the Dominion War. Cheeky hijinks ensue.

 

[Leroy]

Here are some from the old thread I came up with in case you might have missed.

"Lest We Never Forget Our Sins" parts I and II (VOY) The Kazon Nistrim recreate a warp 10 flight and evolve into a hyper intelligent, hyper violent, species bent on conquering the delta quadrant. The warp 10 Kazon use warp 10 to catch up with Voyager and during the battle is forced to crash land on a jungle planet. The warp 10 Kazon leave Voyager for dead and in the following years manage to capture most of the quadrant. In the second part an elderly Kim from the future travels back with the means to alter history and make things right by turning the ruins of Voyager's main deflector into a quatum flux resonance chronoton emitter that will reverse time and force the Kazon to devolve back to their original state.

"Sentience" (VOY) The ship makes contact with a planet whose inhabitants are composed primarily of nanites. A renegade from the planet infects the ships shuttlecraft including the Delta Flyer with a virus, making them sentient. The Delta Flyer demands that the crew modify them with the ability to convert into humanoid form and help them find a homeworld of their own. Janeway is conflicted she doesn't want to lose her compliment of shuttlecraft without them they have no means of replacements. The Doctor points out that if Janeway denies the shuttles their rights she might as well deny his own.

"Eye for an Eye" (VOY) Voyager comes under vicious assualt by the Vidiians and most of the crew has their left eye stolen. Janeway must put the ship at great risk to retrieve the crews stolen organs.

"Punch Drunk Love" (VOY) Voyager is hit by an energy wave causing everyone on board to go unconscious, except Chakotay, Paris, and the Doctor, since they are protected by being inside the Holodeck that has now malfunctioned forcing Chakotay to compete in boxing matches against every single enemy they have ever fought.

"One of These is Not Like the Other" (VOY) A Halloween episode the Holodeck malfunctions causing Paris and Kim to be trapped inside a medieval torture chamber, run by the infamous Elizabeth Bathory now they must escape this nightmare, it doesn't help matters that Kim has fallen madly in love with her.

"QQ" (VOY) Q appears on the ship distraught over the death of his son it seems he was killed in a bettle with some rogue Organians. Most of the episode features the crew wasting time and resources in order to cheer Q up.

"Ring in the New Year" (VOY) Voyager flies though what appears to be a vortex leading to the Alpha Quadrant, to their horror they discover they have flown into fluidic space and have also traveled back in time over a hundred years, worse still the Borg appear to be behind it all, and the ship is not just in fluidic space but a pocket dimension resting inside the inner ear of James T. Kirk! The resulting adventure induces Tinnitus in the much beloved captain. This episode doubles as a new year episode and a Tinnitus awareness episode.

 

[spoonunseptium]

Season 2 - You Are What You Eat

Neeliz is cooking a new recipe- but much to the crew's later shugrue, he has accidentally concocted a chemical formula that is sending volatile messages pertaining to face-punching and oedipal-incest to a nearby hostile alien civilization, the inhabitants of which are cross-breeds of Kazon and Ocampa blood borne millions of years ago.

Meanwhile, Tom Paris has unintentionally made Kes drunk, which inspires Neelix to make poor Tom eat his new recipe forcefully...through the ears by means of portable transport devices. This makes Janeway mad.

At the same time, being very immature in their emotional reactions, a Kazompan captain sends Janeway this message: "WTF, man? That's so mean. Imma shoot you down for that!!!! " So, the Kazompans begin firing on Voyager.

"Tell me what it is you want!" Hails Janeway.

"EVERYTHING! muahahaha."

Because Voyager is a supership with an unending ammount of supplies, Voyager destroys the entire Kazompan planet while the doctor tries to figure out what the heck was actually going on.

B'Elanna thinks Tom is hot when he's being tortured. This marks the beginning of their love-hate relationship.

After figuring everything out, the whole crew laughs, and Kes pukes.

The end.

 

[jgdst]

Just had a moment of inspiration for a totally original idea:

"Moyager"

After passing through an inverted co-variant omicron cloud, the crew of Voyager notice the ship has somehow changed. It's less responsive and changes course on its own to avoid danger. The cannon fodder on Deck 15 notice that ship is getting bigger and heavier, and it's slowing down.

Janeway orders the crew to abandon ship after Voyager starts taking shots at the crew who are performing dangerous tasks. From their escape pods (a good distance away from Chakotay's shuttle), they see a little baby Voyager being born. Voyagette is kidnapped by a desperate race of nomads and Seven has to use her modified Borg nanoprobes to make the baby ship unappealing and dangerous to its captors.

Moral righteousness and borderline hypocrisy ensues and Voyagette is freed. The ship is never mentioned again.

 

[Lucy of Nine]

I don't get many of Lucy of Nine's posts; but this one made me laugh out loud at work; and people looked at me funny.

Thanks for the laugh.

You don't get my posts? Hmmm... maybe the Austrralian sense of humour is quite different to the Yanks... because I can assure you, I am hilariously funny....

 

[Odon]

Voyager is hailed by an alien spaceship crewed by a race of amphibians. As soon as the amphibians see Paris and Janeway they exclaim: "Look everyone! It's Mummy and Daddy!"

 

[Lucy of Nine]

Season 7ish - The Never Ending Crew

Harry Kim, whilst smoking cigarettes behind the large barrels in Shuttle Bay 2, is shocked to see a spacial anomaly open up behind a stack of the barrels. He watches surprised as a crew member, dressed in a red command outift, walks out of the anomaly and straight out of the shuttle bay. A few moments later, another two crew members walk out, this time, one in yellow and one in blue. Harry reports straight to the bridge, and tells the captain of his discovery. Kathryn coughs nervously and looks at the floor. "Uh, go check it out Chuckles..." Chakotay takes a security team down to the shuttle bay and they wait, watching the hole. After an hour, a Bolian crew member, never seen before, wanders out and smiles at the security team. Chakotay asks him where he is going "Why Engineering of course." When asked where he's come from, the Bolian looks confused and wanders off. The main cast assemble on the bridge to discuss the new crew members. "They are appearing at a rate of 10 an hour," the doctor informs them, "However, the crew complement is not rising with it. It seems that when 10 new people appear, 10 old crew members disappear, such as Vorik, or those 4 surly Marquis ensigns". Chakotay strokes his tattoo, "So in essence, we will always have our 140 odd crew members, but they will appear to be different every day, they will be different races, different genders, and some may play important roles and then never be seen again?" The Doctor confirms this. Seven raises an eyebrow, "Could my magical nanoprobes fix this problem?" Kathryn steps in, "No, not this time Seven. I have something to admit to you all..." Kathryn then goes on to explain that early in Season One, she traded with a race of advanced subspace beings. In exhange for the recipe of Neelix's Leola Root Soup (which the beings desperately wanted), they gave Kathryn the technology to create an unending crew out of thin air.
The Doctor wiggles his finger in the air and turns to the crew "Oh no she dihn't!" The main crew laugh, slap each other on the back and then go about their business, never to mention it again.

 

[spoonunseptium]

Season 7ish - The Never Ending Crew

Harry Kim, whilst smoking cigarettes behind the large barrels in Shuttle Bay 2, is shocked to see a spacial anomaly open up behind a stack of the barrels. He watches surprised as a crew member, dressed in a red command outift, walks out of the anomaly and straight out of the shuttle bay. A few moments later, another two crew members walk out, this time, one in yellow and one in blue. Harry reports straight to the bridge, and tells the captain of his discovery. Kathryn coughs nervously and looks at the floor. "Uh, go check it out Chuckles..." Chakotay takes a security team down to the shuttle bay and they wait, watching the hole. After an hour, a Bolian crew member, never seen before, wanders out and smiles at the security team. Chakotay asks him where he is going "Why Engineering of course." When asked where he's come from, the Bolian looks confused and wanders off. The main cast assemble on the bridge to discuss the new crew members. "They are appearing at a rate of 10 an hour," the doctor informs them, "However, the crew complement is not rising with it. It seems that when 10 new people appear, 10 old crew members disappear, such as Vorik, or those 4 surly Marquis ensigns". Chakotay strokes his tattoo, "So in essence, we will always have our 140 odd crew members, but they will appear to be different every day, they will be different races, different genders, and some may play important roles and then never be seen again?" The Doctor confirms this. Seven raises an eyebrow, "Could my magical nanoprobes fix this problem?" Kathryn steps in, "No, not this time Seven. I have something to admit to you all..." Kathryn then goes on to explain that early in Season One, she traded with a race of advanced subspace beings. In exhange for the recipe of Neelix's Leola Root Soup (which the beings desperately wanted), they gave Kathryn the technology to create an unending crew out of thin air.
The Doctor wiggles his finger in the air and turns to the crew "Oh no she dihn't!" The main crew laugh, slap each other on the back and then go about their business, never to mention it again.

I love you.

 

[voyagerfan]

BITE ME!

Chief Medical Officers log, stardate (fill in as appropriate)

Today we are still in the delta quadrant, trying to get home to the alpha quadrant....five minutes lapse....and so Torres and Tom are playing about like school children. Damn I am out of memory!

The ship is out of hostile territory and is on its way home, three little amphibians appeared in sick bay, looking quite stunned the Dr contacts the bridge, "Captain, you'd better come to sick bay quickly, this is something I think you should see" The Cpt come down to sickbay and sees the little creatures move in excitement upon seeing their mum. "What shall i do Cpt" "I don't know, I know them somehow", "Chakotay left behind them when he was in charge", "Right" Janeway looked upset when the Dr gestured to her that they were her alien children she had when they were away.

The ship was attacked by neelix's ocampan salad, which unbeknown to the Dr, had triggered that the amphibikids reacted to the compound Beta-Oolicine in the salad. They started to become human! B'Elanna looked horrified as there was two boys and a girl who came as teenagers, the Dr replied " the physiology of these new people indicate that they are human teenagers and all strands of their alien DNA is almost abliterated by the Beta-Oolicine in the salad that Mr Neelix prepared, I have made up a DNA chart to show the change in the DNA", (cut to video which shows the DNA changing)

Life was a tad difficult on the vessels for the new humans, Janeway rolled her eyes "We seem to be taking on new crew members and they are teenagers, never mind" as the kids were given their quarters, they were given names by Tom, shall they get given Paris of Janeway? nah, both thought he. In the end they were called Randy, Brad and Angetha Janeway-Paris.

B'Elanna didn't take to the new children on Voyager and she began to make the kids life hell, now, Angetha was a smart cookie and realised something was up, so, she got hold of the datebase and checked up on Klingons. She and her brothers got hold of programming the holodecks and wrote a holonovel for B'Elanna, "Captain N'TargH and the craft of desire", it exploited the Klingon idea of hell, there was no knifes swords or whatever and they were forbidden to bite when in "Mating time" in fact, it was a ship of Vulcans!

B'Elanna wasn't best happy with this program and she ordered the kids to stop the program, "You rejected us and we are his children" Brad Janeway-Paris showed his dad's idea of adventure and decided to put in an added extra into the programme.

To be continued.....

 

[Johnhead99]

I don't get many of Lucy of Nine's posts; but this one made me laugh out loud at work; and people looked at me funny.

Thanks for the laugh.

You don't get my posts? Hmmm... maybe the Austrralian sense of humour is quite different to the Yanks... because I can assure you, I am hilariously funny....

Well, atleast I get this post. Your season 7 never ending crew gave me my laugh for today.