Why Are Men So Insecure?

[JonathonWally]

Serious question. Why are men so insecure? Especially in all things concerning "masculinity" and "being manly"

Why is stereotypical "manly behavior" so closely related to "being an asshole" Such examples would be; being all tough and mighty and threatening physical violence. Being rude and having shitty manners(cursing, yelling, farting, burping)

Liking sports and often drinking to excess when watching them and eating sloppily.

It's the whole, having to be a "mountain man, having a big beard, chopping wood and wearing a flannel shirt thing."


And half the time anything less gets labeled "gay" or "metrosexual"

Seriously, what the fuck does "metrosexual" mean, honestly it sounds like a group of people being "PC" while still calling a man a "faggot" or "gay" while not actually saying those words in an attempt to be more "politically correct" and not using those terms as "attack words in a derogatory manner"

Following me?

I like to dress nice, I match my clothing (as best I can as a colorblind person) I keep my nails trim and presentable, I get my eyebrows taken care of, I go to the gym and lift "manly weights" I keep my hair cut and stick with styles that suit me best. I have a wide collection of shoes that I'm proud of. Hell I even go tanning on a regular basis (though more for health reasons that vanity) but I also hate looking pale bordering on unhealthy looking. I even wear earrings (yes 2, one in each ear, because just 1 on the left ear looks unbalanced to me)

And while doing all of this, I love to watch football (American Football), baseball, drag racing, work on cars. I'm sensative, I listen, I enjoy flirting (a lot )

I'm a man. I'm proud of who I am. I'm not insecure in the definition of "manliness"

I feel no need to look like the Brawny Paper Towel/Lumberjack guy to feel like a man.

So, my question is, what's wrong with a lot of "men"?

 

[roliver]

I'm a man. I'm proud of who I am. I'm not insecure in the definition of "manliness"?

Then why are you posting on the subject? Be secure in your definition and let others do the same.

 

[Emher]

I'm insecure in general because a lot of people spent a lot of time during my early teens trying to tell me I was nothing, and part of me believed it. I'm still trying to let that go.

Ironically I'm very secure in my masculinity. Also I am by my own admission bi so the whole "gay" thing doesn't bother me.

 

[LaxScrutiny]

The term "metrosexual" was coined and used by people who appreciated and enjoyed the style, so it wasn't perjorative initially.

A lot of men are insecure and hide behind stereotypes, so do a lot of women. You think all women who spend an hour on makeup in the morning and go to the office in high heels and a tight skirt are secure?

Insecurity is a human experience. Men have a particular set of constructs to hide behind. The "metrosexual" construct is just as much a place to hide as the lumberjack.

That doesn't mean everyone is hiding. There really are guys who cut down trees for a living, and the way they dress is practical for them. Some guys really enjoy a nice pair of shoes.<cough Holdfast cough> Another stereotype, my dad was a construction worker. He dressed the way he did for a reason. On his day off he wore clean work clothes and puttered around the house, did repairs, worked on his truck engine, etc, because that's what he knew and doing it was what he enjoyed.

I know guys who work in suits and live in fancy houses and act like assholes on the weekend. They're compensating for something when they act out, sure. Because they don't really like their lives and wish they were more like their dads and working with their hands and getting dirty, but they're trapped by a mortgage and their family's expectations and they can't just get out. My brother-in-law has that written all over him, he wishes he could be living a different life, but when he was younger he ended up filling his parent's expectations and then starting a family and making the whole thing look like a suburban dream. It's not what he wants, but he's stuck with it.

I respect him because he has a duty now, he can't just say to his wife and kids, OK we're selling the house and moving and I'm going to dig ditches for a living. He's gone too far down a path, and he doesn't know a way off. But he doesn't like it, and yeah, he compensates by overdoing the "boys" thing on the weekends. His friends have it written all over them too.

 

[jamestyler]

I'm a man. I'm proud of who I am. I'm not insecure in the definition of "manliness"?

Then why are you posting on the subject? Be secure in your definition and let others do the same.

While I'm not saying this applies to JW, I am beginning to wonder why some people are getting quite offended at jokes on stereotypes when it seems to me (or maybe because I put myself in this group) that those making the jokes aren't taking it seriously and are comfortable doing it because they're not in the typical male/female label.

A lot of men are insecure and hide behind stereotypes, so do a lot of women. You think all women who spend an hour on makeup in the morning and go to the office in high heels and a tight skirt are secure?

I had a recent argument about that - a woman calling me and my colleagues insecure because we're 'performing for attention', yet this was someone who I know to spend hours in front of the mirror in the morning and wont leave the house without makeup.

But I'm sure by saying that at least one person will take offense and then say I'm bashing women... it's not a competition or mud slinging - it's just that everyone I've met, male or female, has insecurities of some kind because of upbringing, bad experiences or whatever reason. Some things are more common in women (the makeup thing, there was some almost decent trash TV on the subject last year) and some are more common in men (which can result in Alpha male syndrome).

I can only really talk about my experiences... but I grew up in a homophobic environment where the 'mans man' image was thrown upon any male. I remember my dad commenting on me being a wrestling fan by saying "thats all for gays", which was a comment that oddly enough triggered me to break my TNZ silence when it was pretty much repeated

With who I am, what I do and my interests... I don't live up to the sterotype - but I can see how others would, especially in the enviroment I was raised in.

 

[QCzar]

As Lax pointed out, insecurity is a behavior built into both sexes in what I would say are equal measures. The exact form such insecurities take (girly girl, man's man, etc.) is irrelevant. We are social animals and it has always been my belief that most humans simply lack the ability to make the kinds of intuitive leaps that allow them to defy social norms. What you or I see as weak behavior, they see in an entirely different manner.

Each of us is given two things during childhood: a personality of our own and a set of social rules to follow so as to fit in. Depending on which is more dominant in an individual, one or the other of those things will form the basis of their behavior in adulthood. People who lack a strong sense of self often fall on rituals and externally defined societal constructs to feel more secure. When not doing so, such people tend to feel isolated and become antisocial.

That then is the difference between the various insecure types. There are those, like the faux Manly Men you point out, whose character allows them to be entirely externally defined, afraid to embrace any eccentricities of their own self for fear of being "outed" as different. Then there are those who, not unlike the typical lonely loser/geek stereotype, are too self-conscious and overly self-critical to embrace these mores, and so are entirely internally defined.

Neither is truly healthy.

As social animals, we do need the embrace of our fellow humans to feel complete, but we can't lose our "self" in the process. It's not just Oprah show, feel good nonsense. It's been scientifically proven that humans who isolate themselves are less healthy than those with active social lives. Alternatively, it's also been shown that the high pressure of living the typical insecure, socially defined lifestyle leads to unhealthy amounts of stress, which can lower life expectancy (and cause other health problems).

But, despite all of that, both are normal behaviors for both men and women, regardless of race/ethnicity and nationality. Remember, Jonathan, humans are still a work in progress, with every generation leading to very slight improvements over the preceding one. With the internet and digital communication I fear we'll slip back a step, until such technology becomes more intuitive and human.

As someone else said, it isn't necessary for you to concern yourself with such people. There's nothing wrong with them that needs fixing. Be the best man you can be and welcome those into your life that are well adjusted. Natural selection will take of the rest.

 

[archeryguy1701]

It's the whole, having to be a "mountain man, having a big beard, chopping wood and wearing a flannel shirt thing."

Because, as we all know, there is nothing- nothing- more manly than being a lumber jack.

 

[Tharsis]

Please don't include watching sports as something that categorizes an insecure man. Both men and women enjoy sports (of various kinds) and its actually mentally engaging. Just look at all the folks on Star Trek who enjoy both intellectual pursuits and physical activity. And you shouldn't include someone's sloppy eating while sitting on the couch as an indication of insecurity, ha ha. I drop stuff on my t-shirt while watching Star Trek/Football (sometimes all at once) all the time.

 

[Plecostomus]

Ok this thread will end well.

 

[SPOCKED]

Men are insecure because it isn't 1974 anymore.

 

[thumbtack]

Men are insecure because it isn't 1974 anymore.

How true. I often wonder what it must have been like in the good old days, when a woman knew her place.

 

[FrontLine]

Serious question. Why are men so insecure? Especially in all things concerning "masculinity" and "being manly"

Because their mothers wanted their little boys to be the next Alan Alda

 

[MeanJoePhaser]

It's all political, if I'm criminal then how the hell can I raise a little girl?

 

[sidious618]

I'll make a longer post about this later but for now let me just say that the stereotypical man model is incredibly dumb and somewhat psychologically harmful (specifically that men should show no emotion). I have issues with myself but my "manliness" is not one of them. I'm not worried about whether people view me as a "man" or not. Whenever someone makes a comment I just say, "I'm very manly. I have physical proof. Would you like to see it?"

At the end of the day men and women are mentally and emotionally very similar. The fact that men and women are supposed to act in certain ways is utterly bizarre. Then agian, I'm a bit of a radical.

 

[Ethros]

Two words- small penis

 

[Pingfah]

^ Very brave of you to admit it.

 

[Ethros]

ho ho


Well I'm not an insecure male. But a lot are. I think it mostly boils down to that, or at least the worry that they *think* its small/could be bigger, so they have to make up for it

 

[jamestyler]

Well I'm not an insecure male. But a lot are. I think it mostly boils down to that, or at least the worry that they *think* its small/could be bigger, so they have to make up for it

I like the Kevin Smith route of having some penis related self loathing. Personally, I'd say it sounds less arrogant.

A friend of mine is terrible for the penis fear and is extremely paranoid getting changed at the gym. He even showers in his underwear.

 

[MeanJoePhaser]

I agree that men should repress their emotions. Women don't like overly emotional men who are hot and then cold, yes and then no, in and your out, up and your down.

And women say to metrosexuals "you're so gay!"

Because, you know, snotty pop stars have all the answers.

 

[Pingfah]

Well I'm not an insecure male. But a lot are. I think it mostly boils down to that, or at least the worry that they *think* its small/could be bigger, so they have to make up for it

I like the Kevin Smith route of having some penis related self loathing. Personally, I'd say it sounds less arrogant.

A friend of mine is terrible for the penis fear and is extremely paranoid getting changed at the gym. He even showers in his underwear.

Is he a virgin?

I think small penis fear is the realm of teenagers mostly, anyone who has had sex more than once should be over that. Unless they are really crap in bed.