I'm coming up on my 35th anniversary next month, so NO I don't have any advice....
Wedding in 7 Days -- Got Marriage Advice?
- Thread starter FalTorPan
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Well... I've been married nearly all of my adult life, and the best advice I can give is the following:
The funny thing about weddings is that the part where you feed the other the first piece of cake is quite telling about how both parties feel about the union. So I advise against the smashing of the cake into each others faces. This is really sort of like the trust test (the falling blindly backwards trusting that the other person will catch you). People who smashed the cake (that I've known) generally don't seem to trust each other that well.
Oh... and Congratulations!
- Honesty is the best policy That is, make sure that you guys have good communication on everything. Finding out about something (for either party) after the fact is nearly always bad.
- Team work While everyone has their own individual goals, as a family you both have to temper them by looking at life from the perspective of "we" rather than "I". Being different is actually the best part of marriage (for me) because it means that we can pass off some tasks to the one who is better at them. Additionally, when reaching for a goal, it is always easier when you know you have someone behind you to back you up (even if it is just for moral support). From my experience, the hardest tasks become easier when you know you are not alone in facing them.
- United front As far as the rest of the world is concerned, the two of you should be unconditionally supportive of each other. Concerns, nagging doubts, disagreements... all that should generally be kept behind closed doors. When you finally have to face the world, you do it together. Even if either of you disagree with the course of action you end up taking, the rest of the world should see you guys as one mind on the subject. United we stand, divided we fall is the best way to deal with any external issues you guys will face in the future as a family.
I generally take this one step further in that if I enter into a situation where I don't have complete information, my wife's position is adopted as my own (until we have a chance to discuss the situation together in private).
The funny thing about weddings is that the part where you feed the other the first piece of cake is quite telling about how both parties feel about the union. So I advise against the smashing of the cake into each others faces. This is really sort of like the trust test (the falling blindly backwards trusting that the other person will catch you). People who smashed the cake (that I've known) generally don't seem to trust each other that well.
Oh... and Congratulations!
Plecostomus
Commodore
I'm getting married in seven days! It'll be my first marriage as well as hers. I'm 33, and she's of similar age. Got any marriage advice?
Abandon all hope ye who enter hear.
Also: The key to keeping the chemistry alive is to keep the "happily" in "happily married couple." Other than that, be prepared to compromise
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I concur. And usually people are so anxious that day they really don't much enjoy it.
I can't repeat enough times just how true this is.
Enjoy your wedding day. It's the one day of your life that is completely and truly yours.
You'd better hurry up and tell her you're a Star Trek fan. Gettin' down to the wire there...
There's so much good advice here that coming up with somethign not mentioned isn't very easy.
Tell your spouse every day (or at least tell yourself) that you love her. I've seen people forget that--they just forget that there was a good reason they married their spouse. Life gets in the way of remembering that.
Problems with your family--YOU handle it. Your spouse comes first; your marriage comes before the hurt feelings of anybody else. Problems with your spouse's family--s/he handles it. Again, your marriage must come first. You must have each others' back through everything.
It's so easy to get into, well, it's not a game or a play, but I guess a pattern. You're made or tired, you snap; your spouse snaps back; back and forth escalating. And, if you give yourself a moment of clarity, you realize that you're not really all that mad. You're just used to escalating because that's the pattern the two of you have set.
Seek that moment of clarity--especially in the middle of a fight/argument/disagreement. It's not easy, but if you can't prevent things from escalating, the fight ends pretty fast because you're able to focus on what's really causing the problem. (I had that moment in the middle of an argument, told Hubby to "wait a minute" and then said "I don't think I'm actually mad at you." Threw us both for a loop.)
Strive for rationality--if you're wrong and acknowledge it, you were ignorant. Now you konw, and things can move forward. If you wrong but continue to insist you're right (just to be "right" or whatever)--you're a fool. [I caught my Dad on that one, and told him I was disappointed in him that he would--on occasion--insist he was right when he knew he wasn't.]
Look at your spouse honestly. See that they aren't the most handsome/beautiful in the world. See the extra weight, the lines, etc. And then look again and see that this person IS the most handsome/beautiful person in the world--to you.
Make the little things matter--the smile that only you get to see; the laugh that only you get to hear; the touch that only you get to feel. You are his/hers; s/he is yours. All yours. Only yours. Forever.
Tell your spouse every day (or at least tell yourself) that you love her. I've seen people forget that--they just forget that there was a good reason they married their spouse. Life gets in the way of remembering that.
Problems with your family--YOU handle it. Your spouse comes first; your marriage comes before the hurt feelings of anybody else. Problems with your spouse's family--s/he handles it. Again, your marriage must come first. You must have each others' back through everything.
It's so easy to get into, well, it's not a game or a play, but I guess a pattern. You're made or tired, you snap; your spouse snaps back; back and forth escalating. And, if you give yourself a moment of clarity, you realize that you're not really all that mad. You're just used to escalating because that's the pattern the two of you have set.
Seek that moment of clarity--especially in the middle of a fight/argument/disagreement. It's not easy, but if you can't prevent things from escalating, the fight ends pretty fast because you're able to focus on what's really causing the problem. (I had that moment in the middle of an argument, told Hubby to "wait a minute" and then said "I don't think I'm actually mad at you." Threw us both for a loop.)
Strive for rationality--if you're wrong and acknowledge it, you were ignorant. Now you konw, and things can move forward. If you wrong but continue to insist you're right (just to be "right" or whatever)--you're a fool. [I caught my Dad on that one, and told him I was disappointed in him that he would--on occasion--insist he was right when he knew he wasn't.]
Look at your spouse honestly. See that they aren't the most handsome/beautiful in the world. See the extra weight, the lines, etc. And then look again and see that this person IS the most handsome/beautiful person in the world--to you.
Make the little things matter--the smile that only you get to see; the laugh that only you get to hear; the touch that only you get to feel. You are his/hers; s/he is yours. All yours. Only yours. Forever.
Remember when the concept of legal marriage was invented it was by a 16 year old who had a life expectancy of 35 - 40 year of age. So at 33 if you don't do it - its ok.
You don't need her love for you to love you. If you love you and she don't - its ok.
Jesus never married so if you don't do it - its ok.
If you do it - it too is ok
You don't need her love for you to love you. If you love you and she don't - its ok.
Jesus never married so if you don't do it - its ok.
If you do it - it too is ok
???
Yeah rramarr, I'm not getting any of that either.
FaltorPan! Congratulations! My wife and I just celebrated our first anniversary this month. I tell you what, marriage is tough, and there are lots of trials and tribulations! Since I have never met you or your blushing bride I obviously can't give you the sort of well tailored council I would give to one of my RL buddies, but I do believe there is plenty of good general advice that applies to everyone. I agree with most of the above posts. My wife and I have maintained separate finances so far and I think we've managed to avoid a number of problems that way, but I'm sure that as things progress and our soon-to-be-born son grows up we'll eventually merge that into a single quantity.
The best relationship advice I could give would be what my father-in-law told me: A good marriage is made of two selfless givers.
If you are focused on generously giving all to her: your time, your attention, your affections, your support, even deferring to her about such things as 'what to have for dinner?' or 'what show should we watch?' you will go a long way to keep your household running smoothly. If you are going to let her read these little advices you're getting on this thread than Future-Mrs.-FalTorPan, this goes for you too, Give Absolutely Everything To Each Other! (That's not to say you should compromise your principles, but hopefully you know each other well enough already to have some idea of what core-values each of you hold dear.) If one of you does this and the other doesn't, it will lead to resentment. But it's still good advice as it is always easier to love and respect someone who is generous to you than not. This is something my wife and I didn't really get at first and it's taken most of this last year to really sink in but now that we're both trying to keep this concept in mind, things are running very smoothly. I won't lie to you, this much more easily said than done, but if you both do it, I guarantee gold.
And along with this, try to ditch your preconceptions. If you or she has lofty ideas of what this is going to be about, then try to put that out of your mind. If you are able to give generously to you spouse without worrying about your own expectations of what you think you ought to be getting in return you'll be able to not get too worked up when things do start to go south. Squabbles are inevitable, but they don't need to get too serious.
Dang, there's so much advice to give you I think no one could possibly grant it all to you in one post (or thread for that matter)!
SELFLESS GENEROSITY!
Congratulations again!
--Alex
FaltorPan! Congratulations! My wife and I just celebrated our first anniversary this month. I tell you what, marriage is tough, and there are lots of trials and tribulations! Since I have never met you or your blushing bride I obviously can't give you the sort of well tailored council I would give to one of my RL buddies, but I do believe there is plenty of good general advice that applies to everyone. I agree with most of the above posts. My wife and I have maintained separate finances so far and I think we've managed to avoid a number of problems that way, but I'm sure that as things progress and our soon-to-be-born son grows up we'll eventually merge that into a single quantity.
The best relationship advice I could give would be what my father-in-law told me: A good marriage is made of two selfless givers.
If you are focused on generously giving all to her: your time, your attention, your affections, your support, even deferring to her about such things as 'what to have for dinner?' or 'what show should we watch?' you will go a long way to keep your household running smoothly. If you are going to let her read these little advices you're getting on this thread than Future-Mrs.-FalTorPan, this goes for you too, Give Absolutely Everything To Each Other! (That's not to say you should compromise your principles, but hopefully you know each other well enough already to have some idea of what core-values each of you hold dear.) If one of you does this and the other doesn't, it will lead to resentment. But it's still good advice as it is always easier to love and respect someone who is generous to you than not. This is something my wife and I didn't really get at first and it's taken most of this last year to really sink in but now that we're both trying to keep this concept in mind, things are running very smoothly. I won't lie to you, this much more easily said than done, but if you both do it, I guarantee gold.
And along with this, try to ditch your preconceptions. If you or she has lofty ideas of what this is going to be about, then try to put that out of your mind. If you are able to give generously to you spouse without worrying about your own expectations of what you think you ought to be getting in return you'll be able to not get too worked up when things do start to go south. Squabbles are inevitable, but they don't need to get too serious.
Dang, there's so much advice to give you I think no one could possibly grant it all to you in one post (or thread for that matter)!
SELFLESS GENEROSITY!
Congratulations again!
--Alex
Budha - not married
Jesus - not married
The Pope - not married
Research the earliest form of marriage and see the life expectancy rate at the time -
It was a way for men to claim chattel unfortunate but true. This woman belongs to me!
They did not intend to give their entire days of their life over to marriage
People especially women are stuck in the matrix of being fed that life is about marriage otherwise incomplete. At best its like a 30 year mortgage you raise the kids and sale the house. Either way is cool but don't be forced fed that you have to do it.
Jesus - not married
The Pope - not married
Research the earliest form of marriage and see the life expectancy rate at the time -
It was a way for men to claim chattel unfortunate but true. This woman belongs to me!
They did not intend to give their entire days of their life over to marriage
People especially women are stuck in the matrix of being fed that life is about marriage otherwise incomplete. At best its like a 30 year mortgage you raise the kids and sale the house. Either way is cool but don't be forced fed that you have to do it.
Advice: Don't refer to your wife as "the old lady" or "the ol' ball 'n chain."
I hear ladies like foot rubs, but anything else with feet is a grey zone
There is some really great advice here, so I'll just add a few things:
1. This one is mostly useful for brides (who tend to get caught up in the wedding more than grooms, although there are exceptions), but remember that no matter what anybody says, your wedding day is not the most important day of your life. You will in fact have many, many days far more important than your wedding day. The marriage is infinitely more important than the wedding. So if stuff goes wrong, remember that it's just one day. On the other hand, if stuff goes wrong and your wife gets upset...I wouldn't mention this to her right away!
2. Possibly the most difficult thing to do is learn to figure out which battles you need to win, which ones you need to lose, and which ones don't matter either way. You shouldn't expect to win them all, but you shouldn't lose them all, either.
3. Never compare your spouse to another person, unless you can honestly rate her higher or unless it's something she doesn't care about or unless it's something of vital importance to you - and even there, I'd recommend finding another way to say it rather than a comparison. So saying, "My mother kept a cleaner house than you do" is probably not a good idea, for a lot of reasons. On the other hand, teasing somebody about what a lousy cook she is might be OK if she doesn't give a damn. But if she's in there trying and nonetheless failing...ooh, just don't do it.
4. Always discuss major purchases ahead of time, and that includes determining what constitutes a "major" purchase.
5. If at all possible, avoid saying negative things about your spouse's family. This might not always be possible, of course, but as in #2 above, choose your battles carefully. Very, very carefully. Trying to avoid contact with a hateful in-law is one thing; trying to avoid contact just because that in-law isn't your cup of tea is another. There are exceptions, but I'd say that generally speaking, it isn't spouse A's place to start a feud with spouse B's family, particularly if it involves something that doesn't affect spouse A directly.
Oh, and congratulations! I've been married more than 21 years, and it was really one of the best things I've ever done.
1. This one is mostly useful for brides (who tend to get caught up in the wedding more than grooms, although there are exceptions), but remember that no matter what anybody says, your wedding day is not the most important day of your life. You will in fact have many, many days far more important than your wedding day. The marriage is infinitely more important than the wedding. So if stuff goes wrong, remember that it's just one day. On the other hand, if stuff goes wrong and your wife gets upset...I wouldn't mention this to her right away!
2. Possibly the most difficult thing to do is learn to figure out which battles you need to win, which ones you need to lose, and which ones don't matter either way. You shouldn't expect to win them all, but you shouldn't lose them all, either.
3. Never compare your spouse to another person, unless you can honestly rate her higher or unless it's something she doesn't care about or unless it's something of vital importance to you - and even there, I'd recommend finding another way to say it rather than a comparison. So saying, "My mother kept a cleaner house than you do" is probably not a good idea, for a lot of reasons. On the other hand, teasing somebody about what a lousy cook she is might be OK if she doesn't give a damn. But if she's in there trying and nonetheless failing...ooh, just don't do it.
4. Always discuss major purchases ahead of time, and that includes determining what constitutes a "major" purchase.
5. If at all possible, avoid saying negative things about your spouse's family. This might not always be possible, of course, but as in #2 above, choose your battles carefully. Very, very carefully. Trying to avoid contact with a hateful in-law is one thing; trying to avoid contact just because that in-law isn't your cup of tea is another. There are exceptions, but I'd say that generally speaking, it isn't spouse A's place to start a feud with spouse B's family, particularly if it involves something that doesn't affect spouse A directly.
Oh, and congratulations! I've been married more than 21 years, and it was really one of the best things I've ever done.
The best advice is: make sure you have a comfortable couch.
Something I was told on my wedding day, I remember clearly even now (17 years later):
Marriage is two people on opposite sides of a chasm, building a bridge to each other every day.
I really like that.
Best of luck!
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