Alright, here we go! (WARNING, SPOILERS!)
Best Line:The Doctor, doctor, fun.
Runner-Up: They tell legends of Mars, long ago, a fine and noble race who built empires out of snow: The Ice Warriors.
I want to stop right here and talk about these two lines. To me, they represent what makes Doctor Who, in particular the new series, excellent. The first line celebrates the doctor, but keeps it simple and clever: his name is his rank, and his purpose is fun. My runner-up line is beautiful, softly spoken and intelligent, it embraces a goofy concept from two decades ago and strips away the camp, bringing it full force into the high quality 21st century. The name, Ice Warriors, and the idea of scaly green martians are both from another era (and some say another show entirely), and this episode could have easily ignored them and just done whatever the hell it wanted. Instead, it decided to to make the idea work. The way the Doctor poetically describes the ancient Martian race allows for the Ice Warriors to sound mythic instead of camp. It stops there too, not embracing fanwank, but moving along. Nothing more to say.
How would I rate this episode? This may surprise you, but I'd say uneventful. I know that the Timelord Victorious has really excited and made an impression upon a lot of people, but I consider this episode empty. It is too involved in itself; it reminds me of a thirteen-year-old obsessing over themselves in the mirror. Was the whole point this gripping psychological moment in the Doctor? Consider me ungripped. Where is the story? The adventure? Half of this episode is slow motion of the Doctor walking away while cardboard characters scream unconvincingly over his intercom. Why is this supposed to be so hard for the Doctor? There only half a dozen people on the base, and by the time he is heading for the TARDIS, half of them are already dead! I'd be more enthralled if Doctor Who had chosen a historical event that involved more people, and had bigger stakes for humanity: Hiroshima, the Holocaust, Slavery, Apartheid, Pompeii. Pompeii? Who said Pompeii? That brings us to...
Ridiculous Rehash: The Fires of Pompeii. The Doctor accidently arrives at an fixed point in history and tries desperately to escape, only to be delayed long enough to begin to care about the people he is leaving behind to die. We've done this already! Quite frankly, we've done it better!
Doctor, Whose Laws?: The best thing about Doctor Who in the new era is that it never bothered to explain the rules of time travel. "Trust me, I'm a Timelord. If I explained it, you wouldn't understand!" That was the generic answer from the Doctor whenever companions asked things like, "Why can't we just go back in the TARDIS to before all this happened?" I'll accept that. I prefer hearing "Magic door" to some long techno-babble nonsense. A lack of solid rules means you don't ever have to worry about contradicting yourself. Star Trek always got into trouble with this; they'd have all the rules layed out, and then constantly contradict themselves. Now apparently the Doctor can change some things but not others, only other things he discovers he can change, only not really. Huh!?!?
Look, don't tell me certain points are fixed and HAVE TO STAND, because the events of Waters of Mars would not have stood if bad guys had won in any number of prior episodes. Carrier Knights taking over Elizabethan England would have meant no Mars Base disaster. The Doctor claims the even the Darleks while attempting to destroy all of creation would stop and allow this person to live because her future is written in stone. No way. That just makes no sense.
The Worst: The robot. Fuck the robot. Fuck whoever thinks kids would like the robot. Fuck whoever thinks they should consider kids first while writing a Doctor Who. Why did we need the robot? Did the person who created the robot love Jar-Jar Binks? It looked like it was about to fall apart. The special effects team thought it would look cool to constantly be sparking, not that this makes any sense. The flames exploding out its backside as it reaches speeds of 15 miles per hour is ridiculous, and Wesley Crusher at the controls screaming and chewing the scenery as it does so was the worst part of the episode. I'm sorry, but if I am playing a video game, and the game goes haywire, my joystick does not start moving around freely. Watching Wesley-Wannabe scream wildly as he waggled his fingertips was simply painful to watch. Trail of flames? Get fucking real.
Short Attention Span Editing: The 700 flashes to the crew member date of deaths. This episode really had to beat home that everyone on the Mars Base dies, didn't it? Person after person after person, music echoing the shocking reveal that everyone already knew. I wonder why they didn't just make the word DEAD glow red and draw bright yellow circles around it. Talk about overkill! You know what? If they had never had those stupid cutaways to the crew bios, and just had the doctor stare silently at them, it would have been more powerful. We'd all have figured it out on our own, even children (yes, they do have brains) and when the Doctor finally tells whatshername that she dies on Mars, then it would have carried more weight.
Just what were those computer screen supposed to be, anyway? Wikipedia on the TARDIS?
Scoring the Score: 10% new music! Is it that hard to compose a new song? I really was sick of hearing the same scores from previous episodes. A debate arose on the boards recently about whether or not it was a good thing that a new composer was coming tot he show. Trust me, it is a VERY good thing.
360 Out of Right Field: Oh, alright, I get it. He's eeeeeevvvvviiiiiillllll! That sure happened fast. He walks away slowly, hearing their screams, and then returns in beam of light to save the day by doing absolutely nothing. Now he is a god, no God Himself! /cackles!
Where did this mood shift come from? Why did we need it? And why does the Doctor suddenly think his ten minutes of arrogance means he is going to die? Where is the connection?
Final Thoughts: The only real cringe worthy moment was when the Doctor hot-wired the robot and trails of flame shot out from its backside while Wes Crusher chewed the scenery. All in all, not that long. But the lack of cringe does not a good episode make. I really wish someone would explain to these folks that children loved this show when it was made for a more mature audience. They were scared by things that were intended to scare everyone. Now the show seems to aspire to the same level as Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. It is Walt Disney Presents: Doctor Who (for kids!). The show is marketed, mass-produced, and fantastic plastic. Five new episodes over the coarse of two years didn't help any, nor did learning Doc 10s replacement before even the first special aired.
I love David Tennant, and at first I did not ever want him to leave, but if means a fresh show-runner and (hopefully) renewed perspective on what this show is then so be it.
GRADE: C, flat.